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Forum: Post Partum Depression

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  #1  
August 10th, 2007, 06:39 PM
Shyflutterby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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so the more I sit and think about my situation I just can't help but get even more depressed. I sitll don't know if what i have would be considered PPD or if it's just regular depression. ever time I look at Shyla I just want to hold her an dkiss her and tell her I'm so sorry from bring her into this mess of a life. I don't think I gave anyone the back story on our situation, atleast not on this board. I met her father shortly after I started dating her uncle. then because of some messedup high school drama he and I stoped seeing each other and I dated aroudn awhile and met one guy that even to this day i swear is my soul mate.....but He on the other hand is wrapped up in alot of bad choice so nhis part and can't seem to break away from it. So He and I wen tour seperate wasys for the sake of my own well being. about a couple weeks after that I started talk in gto Shy's dad. he and I had been aqaintances after his brother and I had our issues. well i have this bad habit of pretending to like someone just because I feel bad for them, and I mistake that as love. Don't ask me I have no clue how or why I do it but I've done it 2 times already. including Shy's dad. after only a month of dating him i got preggers. and because I truely belive that a child needds to have both parents in their life I kept the fact that I couldn't stand looking at him touching or even being around him anymore a secret and made it thru the whole pregancy just fine. then affter Shy was born I have what I call a major wake up call. For the first time in my life I knew what love was. And i coudln't lie to myself or to her dad anymore so I broke up with him. And it's all been down hill form there. I have to work, I can't afford not to. If I did I would lose everything a person needs to survive. So it was set up that his father would watch Shy while he and I worked. from day one there has been nothing but problems first him leaving her in her crib all day long only taking her out to feed her. Even her diapers were being changed in the crib. So I asked her dad who still lives with his parents to talk to him about it and to let him know that she needs to be out of the crin unless she is sleeping. So they got in to a fight about it. after all his dad has raised 3 healthy children. but yet, to add to that little story....His oldest is 40 years old never married, can't keep a girl friend in his life, and is a raging alcoholic, His middle son 38 years old, has never had a job that actually paid him and he's never gotten his drivers Licsense, never married and has never lived anywhere but with his parents(shy's dad), and the youngest refuses to spend more then an hour with his parents a year, and his 2 children aren't allowed over there without his supervision....anyway in my eyes that's not sucessful parenting. So it goes from one extreme to another. she is now on the floor the whole time we are at work. And he's started to force feed the 6 week old baby 10 oz a feeding, and telling me I'm a horriable mom becaue I won't let him put her in a walker to learn how to walk at only 2 months old. First off I'm no dumby I am 6 credit hours away from being a degre that lets me run a day care center. I have not only child development training and education but I have a few child psychology credits as well. hence my desire to have her father in her life. So I know that walkers are not the best thing in the world for a infant who can't even hold up their own head. So Her grandpa and I butt heads over those issues only for her father to sit and do and say nothing to back me up...at least not with his father around. But the second we are out of the house he tells me that I'm right and that he just wished his dad would listen to me and blah blah blah. So I get upset over that. Not only am I turning out to be the bad guy here because I am the only one that will stand up for what's right fo rmy daughter. But for the sake of letting her dad have his time with her I suck it up and don't say anything to them....But yet everyday something new comes up that this man is bluntly going against my wishes, and doing what he sees fit......He lies to me on a regular baises telling me that at 3 months old my daughter was crawling. As if i don't ever watch her on my days of to know that she couldn't even roll over yet. then telling me that he's not feeding her the 10 oz of formula ever 3 hours but yet I'm sending a can oc formula over there almost ever 2 days. Then came the "when do I get her over nite" from her father. She's 3 months old and hasn't even realized she's not attached to me yet. and he wants her over nite? and not just 1 or 2 nites but he wants her for 4 + nites. So I again go against my better judgement and let him take her for 4 nites and 5 days every other week. I come to find out that he's not doing anything with his child because his father has now proclaimed himself DAD!! yup that's right Grandpa seems to think he is the one that got me knocked up. He starts calling him self dad and grandma Mom. I wouldn't have it so yet again..I turn to her father and say something. He in turns tells me that he's tried to tell him to stop but he won't listen. I don't doubt that. But I would give it up after just one mention of it. I personally would fight it out until the old jerk sees that he's not the father and his wife is not the mother of MY child! finally it took his oldest son saying something before he would stop saying it. But he kept acting it. Shy's dad has to this day been complaining that his father will not let him do anything to take care of shyla. No matter what he tells him. With each passing day I can't help but sit here and think....I am screwing up my daughter. I am going to be the reason my daughter goes insane before she's even in kindergarten. because I choose to let her father be involved in her life. I know this is totally true but I can't help but think it because of all the children I have taken care of in my life. the really screwed up ones are the ones where mom anddad share the resposiblity of the child. But I honestly can tel you that I am trying to do what is right for my Daughter. I am trying to make it work.....and because of that I am going insane myself. I don't sleep anymore, I eat everything insight. and I can't help but look at Shy and want to give her to her father because even tho it's horriable over there because I can't remember what it's like to actualy be happy and show a real smile. She deserves to have a happy mom, a mom that's not always fighting with her father's parents over how she should be raised! I have tried numerous times to get her out of grandp's "babysitting" but I can't afford to pay what it costs to get an infant into a daycare center, and all the in home centers don't take infants. Iv'e had friends offer but the either live WAY to far outta the way, are on meds for being bi polar, multipule personalites, and skitsphrenic(sp?) which I had 3 year old step sons in a previous marriage where they both were beaten to a bloody pulp by their uncle who was exactly the same thing. One died and the other couldn't even remember his own name, and is now been adopted out. so ya I don't think I could trust someone with thos disorders. just bad blood. So I'm pretty much left with no choice but to let this old man treat her with the utmost disrespect. Just recently he has questioned weather or not she is even biologically related to him. My response to that was. you pay for the paternity test and Shyla and I will be there waiting for you guys. there is no doubt that she is his son's daughter. Then just this week his son and him got into it over something and of course he brings up shyla into it....and tells him that Shyla is no longer allowed in his house. What does Shy's dad do.....NOTHING he says nothing he does nothing.....it's as if he could care less that his father just disowned his only grand daughter. But yet he calls me to tell me about the argument and doesn't bat an eye. Maybe I am wrong here...but don't you think that a person who cared about his child wouold say something in return to that comment?? I mean come on now! if my parents were to say something like that I would look at them and tell them straight up.....fine she ain't wanted here then I'm not either and leave. Or to atleast say SOMETHING call him an obscene name. But not it didn't bug her dad one bit he was more upset over the fact that I didn't answer his phone call earlier that morning. So I asked him if he planned on saying anything to his father. His response was why should I he won't listen. Which is true but just to let him know how wrong it is of him to even say something like that!! So all this week I've had to try and make alternative day care arrrangements because of the fact that I will make that man eat his words....He will never see is his grandaughter again unless he files for grandparental rights. as for her dad I don't know what to do. He is a good father as long as his dad isn't in the picture. But at the same time he's alot like his dad and only cares about himself. the one thing I try to get across to him that I don't hink he will ever understand is that every beat of my heart and every breath I take is for shyla. the only reason I am alive from the day she was conceived was to be here for her. I am no longer living for me, I am living for her. because she is the only thing that matters anymore in this world. and BY GOD I WILL MAKE SURE SHE GETS EVERYTHING SHE NEEDS. But he doesn't think that way. he is still very much in love with me and will not let me go. He has even told me that one day the 3 of us will be a happy family. even tho I have told him that I have desire to be with him and one time I had to brutally honest to telhim that the only reason I was with him was because I was blinded by my sympathy for his rough life and rejection from dang near everyone around him. and that didn't even phase him. he swears up and down that he and I will be married and have more kids and lalalalala. ya talk about insane. He will call me under the false pretense of it being about Shyla....such as.......my last phone call from him.....Hi how are you. what are you doing tonight? are you gonna watch this? are you gonna do this whatare you having for dinner? oh and the reason I'm calling 30 min sin the phone call......I wanted to see how Shyla was doing. then off to the next topic that's all about me and weather or not I'm gonna go out on the nite he's got shyla. he's even gone as far as to ask me if I was having sex with anyone!! So um ya I think he thinks that Having shyla means that not only do we have to communicate with each other but it's a way of keeping me close to him. we both hang out with a few of the same people, and we al hang out at the same place. and I have actully stopped seeing most of my friends because when I do go out he's there and hanging all over me like we are still together. i have been asked numerous times what was going on between the two of us because he tells um we are back together and what not. So Ya he's not interested in Shyla he's interested in me. he could care less about what happens to his daughter unless I get pissed of about it. I just can't stand it anymore and I am passing up the opertunity to be a SAHM and go to school at nite so he can not care about his daughter one bit.........and I hate that!!! I hate that I'm passing up a future that could do wonders for Shyla and I so she can have a dad that semi cares about her and is only involved in her life to be around me.


So um ya that was my rant on why I think I'm depressed. work is almost over so I gotta start closing up and locking everything up........thanks for letting me rant!
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  #2  
August 11th, 2007, 02:08 PM
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I am not ignoring you I will respond or send a pm later when the boys are talking a nap instead of helping me type.

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  #3  
August 11th, 2007, 02:23 PM
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First thing I would do is WHATEVER is takes to get out of that babysitting arrangement. Leaving an infant in a crib or on the floor for hours on end is not healthy and is neglectful. If you are aware of the situation and letting is go on you are contributing to that neglect.

It is very clear that you love your daughter very much. It sounds like her Dad (not her Grandfather, but her biological father) is not a bad guy if his dad is out of the picture. I would really push for HIM to get his own place so his father doesn't have to be so involved. If he didn't, I would really question his motives.

The grandfather sounds like a real loon. I wouldn't want him to have ANY unsupervised time with my child much less be in a full time caregiver role.

You need to put your feelings (or lack of them) for her father aside and just do what works. I agree that its important for a child to have both the mom and dad in the picture when possible. Try to be friends with him. Let him deal with his emotions for you himself, and just make it clear that you need to remain friends for your daughter. Encourage him to come to your house and spend time with her if he won't get his own place away from his father.

Apply for daycare assistance. Apply for any assistance you can get while you are working and/or going to school.

Is her father paying child support? Do you have a court ordered custody agreement?
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  #4  
August 12th, 2007, 07:31 AM
Shyflutterby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
First thing I would do is WHATEVER is takes to get out of that babysitting arrangement. Leaving an infant in a crib or on the floor for hours on end is not healthy and is neglectful. If you are aware of the situation and letting is go on you are contributing to that neglect.

It is very clear that you love your daughter very much. It sounds like her Dad (not her Grandfather, but her biological father) is not a bad guy if his dad is out of the picture. I would really push for HIM to get his own place so his father doesn't have to be so involved. If he didn't, I would really question his motives.

The grandfather sounds like a real loon. I wouldn't want him to have ANY unsupervised time with my child much less be in a full time caregiver role.

You need to put your feelings (or lack of them) for her father aside and just do what works. I agree that its important for a child to have both the mom and dad in the picture when possible. Try to be friends with him. Let him deal with his emotions for you himself, and just make it clear that you need to remain friends for your daughter. Encourage him to come to your house and spend time with her if he won't get his own place away from his father.

Apply for daycare assistance. Apply for any assistance you can get while you are working and/or going to school.

Is her father paying child support? Do you have a court ordered custody agreement?[/b]
First off I must tell you that you have Isulted me by claiming that I am contributing to the neglect that is happeneing to my Daughter. There for in all honesty what evver else you wrote I don't care to listen to. But because of me being a fair person I will re-read it skipping the insults.

Let me put it this way........I HAVE NO MONEY, I WORK FULL TIME, AND HAVE NO WAY OF AFFORDING ANY OTHER TYPE OF CARE FOR HER. AND IT IS FOR HER FATHER THAT SHE IS WAS GOING OVER THERE. Everytime I told him I was finding a new sitter he would throw one of his fits of his I, Me, and Mine's which consisit of...then I would have to go out of my way to go see her. I would lose my 5 mins a day with her. I wouldn't get to see her as much. Ok so the last one I will give him. But the having to go out of his wway to see her. is what really bothers me. as is sincfe this crap has really hit the fan I have been driving what should take me 30 mins to get to work is n ow taking close to an hour and half just so she is getting cared for.....it's well worth it in my eyes and I will spend the gas money to do so!!

Yees I love my daughter more then words could ever explain. Her father has been brow beaten into thinking he is a stupid person, that could never make it in this world without his father there to do it for him. inteh last year I have gotten this man to get his DL and to finally get a taxable job where he is making more then just a couple hundred a month. and in due time I will boost him up enough to get him out of the house but it took me a year to get him to just get a job and a way to get there aside from his parents. Not to mention he also has to pay his father about $800 in rent every month (he pays more then his brother does because he makes more) he also pays for more then half the utlilies, and buys what ever I need for Shyla....leaving him with maybe $100 a pay check to do what he wants with. Chances of him moving on on his own in the next year are so are slim to none. UNLESS I FORCE HIM TO. I shouldn't have to forcfe a almost 40 year old man to move out of his parents house. I have enough to worry about when it comes to Shyla and I I don't need to worry about wither or not he's gonna grow up! That's my issue with him. I shouldn't have to worry about him as well as Shyla, My grandpa Whom I live with, My job, My finances, My Vehicle, and Myself. and that's just my major worries and issues there.

As for my feelings for her Father.He is/could be a good man....If I force/encourage him to. And I can't do that anymore....it's screwing me up in the head and causing nothing but more stress on me. I can't and won't do it anymore. I have told him that the only way Shyla will be seen is at my house, or our friends house's. That She will not ever be back to her grandfathers house. and if Grandpa wants to see her then he will have to file for Grandparenting rights. Her dad is more then welcome to spend time with her, I will never deny him that......But it has to be on the terms of her not being around Grandpa. Which means that until he gets a place of his own all time spend with her will be at my house, or ours friends houses. He doesn't seem to understand that I am not taking her away from him.

I don't qualify for Day care assistance, I make to much money btu because of a bad marriage in my past I am in debt beyond recovery unless I file Bankrupcy. I live without eating, just so Shyla can have diapers and toys. So turning to the state is no help for me. I don't even qualify for food stamps. I was suprised when WIC could actually help me out.

There is no and never will be unless forced a Custody order. And he doesn't pay child support he just buys what she needs.....even tho I have from day one asked him to write me a check, for support every month, and to keep his reciepts from any purchases for her that he makes. but his father won't let him have his check book, he only gets his debt card. and even then he has to give all reciepts to his father who enters then in his registry and throws them away. And because I know people are doubting that I would know that is what happens...his father and I got into a fight about that as well. We have had many fights that old man I have.....and they all usealy start because he says somthing to insult me, or his son. yup that's right I still stand up for this guy that I am no longer with. Because he deserves the respect as a human being. He's a smart man, who just has been taught by his family that he's just not good enough or smart enough to do anything but sit there and look stupid. I will always be his friend, no matter what......but I can't be the person that has to push him anymore. I have put my foot down, Now I just wait and see what he decideds to do.

I am not his mother, I am Shyla's and She is the one that deserves my support now. he's got to learn to push himself for the sake of his daughter....and not because I tell him to.
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  #5  
August 12th, 2007, 03:28 PM
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I have been thinking about this and rereading everything in the Feb PR about the situtation and I think the best thing for you and Shlya would be to move to Washington with your parents. If they will let you stay for basically free, you can focus on finishing your schooling, which you are obviously passionate about and working in a daycare type enviroment. I firmly believe that df will not get his act together until you leave and that he needs to realize that moving out and following you will be the best for him and his dd.

I know you love CO, but remember this move doesn't have to be forever. But is might be the wake up call df needs. You have expressed fear that you don't love df anymore, but I know that if you really didn't love him you wouldn't put up with that crap his father does.

So my advice is, give your two weeks. Pack your truck, and drive away. He will follow, and if he doesn't, he will NEVER grow up. And no father is better than a father that behaves like a pubescent boy.
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  #6  
August 14th, 2007, 07:41 AM
Shyflutterby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Well I went to the Dr yesterday and guess what......I've got Sever depression! haha imagine that. he gave me a script for Zoloft. Which I will get filled friday after I get paid.

Funkie Mommie, Just an FYI Her father and I haven't been together since she was 2 months old. I broke up with him because I couldn't keep lying to myself that I had feelings for him in the romantic way. We have/are trying to remain friends. But his family(his dad) is making it very hard. He and I had a talk Sunday nite after Shyla went to bed. I as calmly as I could explained to him what he was letting his father to him and because of that I couldn't let things go on like they had been. He was his typical self......yes your right, I will do anything to see my daughter, and his normal routine of saying what the other person wants to hear just to get the fighting/aguring over. He can't stand it when someone is mad at him. Muchless Me, the only person the supports any efffort he makes to grow up. I do care about him, Because anyone who has spent a life time of being told they wil amount to nothing, deserves atleast one person in thier corner telling them they can. Specially if they truely could! I just can't keep puting my lifes wants and dreams aside for him. That's not my job. My job is to do everything I can to make Myself and Shyla taken care of. oh another FYI I wouldn't be going to school to finish my Education in Childcare. I already topped out in the field making 11 an hour. But anyway! He said he is willing to try and get out on his own. and he has once again put me in the postion of being his mommy and finding him a place to live away from his family. And like I told him I will give him the name and address of a few apts he might want to look into but that is as far as I will go. He has to do everything else without me. I'm just tired of having to act like I'm not only raising my Daughter but I'm rasiing her almost 40 year old father as well.

Who knows I might end up in Washington after all. I just don't know as of yet. I'm not going to make any hasty decisions as of yet. because I don't want to give up the job I have now as well as the friends and family that I do have here. As well as putting myself in a place where my deprsiion could get worse. In the mean time I am trying to take it one day at a time. and seeing where each day brings me.
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  #7  
August 28th, 2007, 11:10 AM
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Quote:
I have been thinking about this and rereading everything in the Feb PR about the situtation and I think the best thing for you and Shlya would be to move to Washington with your parents. If they will let you stay for basically free, you can focus on finishing your schooling, which you are obviously passionate about and working in a daycare type enviroment. I firmly believe that df will not get his act together until you leave and that he needs to realize that moving out and following you will be the best for him and his dd.

I know you love CO, but remember this move doesn't have to be forever. But is might be the wake up call df needs. You have expressed fear that you don't love df anymore, but I know that if you really didn't love him you wouldn't put up with that crap his father does.

So my advice is, give your two weeks. Pack your truck, and drive away. He will follow, and if he doesn't, he will NEVER grow up. And no father is better than a father that behaves like a pubescent boy.[/b]
I agree with Funkiemommie. JMO but you'll never be able to move on with your life with all that mess around you and making you depressed. The best thing I ever did was to shed myself of Trevors dad and family mess.

I have a ex (Trevor's dad) that is alot like your ex. He at 43 still lives with his stepdad and pays him rent, he drives his moms car etc etc.
I finally gave up and left him when Trev was 18 months old. I told him if he wanted Trevor he could have him on the weekends but under certain conditions and he had to start payind child support. Personal if I could erase Trevors dad from his life I would. Trevor would be much better off with just Jeremiah around.

Why do you feel so strongly that Shy needs her daddy involved in her life??
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  #8  
August 29th, 2007, 01:45 PM
Shyflutterby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I wish I could answer that Question, But every arguement we get into really makes me wonder.
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