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So in order for me to get to and from work today and tomorrow I have to go wednesday and pawn my Nikon Digi camera RIGHT BEFORE Shy's 1st birthday to give them even more money.......If I could afford regular day care costs I would put shy in day care in a second. But because what it costs for a whole month with this so called friend of mine, is what it would cost for a week in a center I can't.
I can't afford my Meds, so that makes it 10 million times worse and sadly for the first time ever I actually thought about killing myself last nite. I skipped taking a bath because I was afraid I would just put my head under water and never come back up. Then i sat there and thought.....HMMM how could I kill myself at work and get away with it.......I couldn't believe that I was thinking those things. I couldn't believe that my happy go lucky look onto life was truely that screwed up.
Then when I get depressed I write poetry, and one of the things I wrote last nite was about how giving birth to Shy was giving birth to the light of my life and now that it's no longer inside of me I had no reason to live. It's amazing how the mind works. I mean It's a wonderful symbolic way to look at PPD.........the light of my life is no longer inside of me. What reason do I have to live anymore? At least for me that's what it's like.......I delivered my inner light and now I'm left in the darkness.
There we go...maybe if I get Preggo again the light of my life will be back LOL I know that's got to be the stupiest thinking in the world LOL
well, I say we deck her after you get done with her.....how bout that????? Even though I'm new and all, I still have a lot of steam I need to get off my chest as well....especially when I have a DH sitting right here in the living room behind me (as I sit here on the computer) and he acts as if I don't even exsist....maybe when we are done, you guys can come over here and deck him?????? Deal??
Ok I need to clear this up.................As you all know when we are down we say things that can be very hurtful and in our state of minds how we feel. Well, I had been off my meds for a week and alot of stress in my life. I needed to vent and to blame it on someone.......I made the choice on doing that to the one person who has been there for me since Shy's birth. She is my best friend and I love her to death. And my whacked out mind wasn't thinking of the situation she was in as well. So I posted this vent, and she read it last nite. I felt horriable I never wanted to hurt her and I never should have said such things. like i said she has pretty much been the only one who has stood by my side thru this. And I thank her by being a total B to her. After talking last nite we have made our amends. She understands what it is like. But it's no excuse for my actions. And I am very thankful she is still willing to stand beside me and help me thru this crazy life. So no more talking about decking her LOL I'm sure I could come up with a few other people for us to fight to get out steam blown off! Hmmmm gives me an Idea for a new thread......hmmm I'll have to work on that one.
But thank you guys for the support as well, I like knowing that all these PPD momma's got my back LOL