[Venus]

Hi ladies,

Hope everyone is doing good. After taking maximum maternity leave that I could take I am now back to work so have been away from the board. But here I need you again..
..My MIL visited us five year back, that was the first time I lived with her and to cut long story short it did not go very well she used to complain about me behind my back to DH and used to enjoy when he would react to them and fight with me..it created loads of stress, frustration and fighting..we survived that time and later on we had kids and things settled a bit...four years back we moved to London and she wanted to visit us again, which we resisted because of what happened..after five years of the previous episode we thought everyone must have matured a bit and we needed someone to look after baby while I join back work so after a lot of discussions and promises to each other we called her again (I was a bit frightened but did not had any better option). One of her relative (brother’s son) has come to study here and wishes to meet her, in my house we have one toilet and no spare room..I suggested we visit him or he can come for one night and we can manage..but she wanted to invite him for 3-4 days so yesterday DH asked her what’s the plan with him and she said that I have asked her not to invite him due to no extra toilets in the house!!! I said I did not said that..she said you speak diplomatically, I don’t remember exactly what you said but you meant that..then DH started yelling at me in front of her & kids..I was crying (I think I cry more quickly whereas others just be angry) and he was not letting go of it. I also said do what you like but just calm down but he was not listening. Apparently today is her anniversary, but since its weekday she cooked special dinner yesterday which I could not eat after all the fighting plus headache. DH called me for dinner I did not go (as I could not stop crying) so again he started yelling at me that you are spoiling someone’s special day!! Now she is saying she wants to leave!!! She will tell her story to rest of my family and cousins who otherwise get along well. I can’t talk to her anymore..but I must do full time work until month end to be able to get any flexibility like part-time or work from home later on. And next month I had to get two wisdom tooth taken out. I clearly don’t know what to do???? When at home I can’t face her & DH. I will definitely stop giving opinions or lose talk but what else should I do? I feel hurt & very very very sad & really compelled and helpless. Every weekend we take her to places now I don’t want to tag along but DH has said earlier if he went alone she will ask him to buy expensive stuff and he won’t be able to refuse, remembering that I can’t ask them to go. Please help & advice.


Thanks,
Venus

[Trish36]

It's a hard situation. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. HUGS!!! The sad part is that your DH takes her side over yours, so that makes it so much harder. If it was me I would have basically told him it's either me or her and hopefully that would make him open his eyes a bit. But that's just my personality and because I know my DH well.
I don't really know what to tell you.
Maybe just keep quiet and smile and bite your tounge for the month that you need her and then send her on her way?

[Rochelle7]

I agree with trish PLUS what is up with your DH not standing up to his mom and yelling? at you? That is NOT cool. He should speak to you about these things in private! ((Hugs)) That whole situation is unbearable. I hope you find a good solution.

[mommydiva]

You need to sit down with your DH and talk to him about this. He needs to stand up for you and behind you.
In the event that it does not happen then I would not engage in the games that seem to be being played. I would stand up for yourself to both your DH and you MIL. But I also would tell my MIL off and send her on her way and if DH didn't stand behind me I would be the one that would go stay in a hotel till he made a choice.

Its a tough spot to be in. Maybe be nice while you have the help but seriously you need to talk to your DH.

[Venus]

Thanks for the advice..I chatted with close friends and googled and thought a lot about issue at hand but not sure what to do..I have to leave my baby with her so have limit to how much I can answer back..just couple of more weeks then I will definitely send her back (not sure how though) and never ever let her come back again...right now I want to scream, cause she is doing it again..just telling DH that I don't like her cooking...crazy women.

[stephie1012]

hugs, i cant believe your DH isnt standing up for you. He needs to be a man and tell his mom to stop and learn to tell her no. She seems very manipulative. im sorry

[birdblue]

I have no advice but i just wanted to say i am sorry you have such an unpleasant mother in law.

[Venus]

Thanks..I feel DH understands completely but he is also not taking my side as we both have to go to work and leave kids with her..plus she is here only for another month or so ...what can I say to that?

[krislati]

I think him taking her side may give her more fuel. If he talks to her and doesn't argue with you in front of her, she may calm down. I would talk to your dh and tell him not to yell or discuss what is bothering him out in the open, he should do so with you privately.

[krsnow]

I was in a similar situation a few years back - before I met my current DH I had a bad marriage that ended in divorce. (I didn't have any kids though) My ex MIL used to come from Europe every year and would stay with us for 3 months at a time, sometimes alone and sometimes with my ex FIL. To top it off, my ex Brother in law was living with us the entire time of the marriage. My ex MIL created so many problems, she was very intrusive and controlling and my ex DH would always take her side. The question I have for you is, when your MIL is not in the picture, is everything fine between you and your DH? In my case, I used to think so but was in denial, he always put me as 2nd priority to his entire family & friends. I talked to a counselor because I was getting depressed and severe anxiety and I was told that if I were to give him an ultimatum and threaten to leave, I had to be ready to act on it. Unfortunately it took me 2 years before I was ready to do that, and I finally did (after 4 years of marriage). When it was too late, my ex kicked out his brother and tried to "change" but he really couldn't change his ways and I was emotionally done. So I don't know if I have any real advice for you because I can't imagine how hard it is to go through that with a baby, but I am here if you ever want to talk. If you can stick it out for the next month, then try your best, but maybe you could work on a plan to fix things with your DH, maybe go to counseling? Do you have any family that you could stay with if you did decide to leave him? Maybe you can try to ignore her as much as possible, walk away from an argument and pretend like it's not bothering you. It will upset her more if she thinks she can no longer manipulate you and her games arent working.

[Venus]

Originally Posted by krsnow

I was in a similar situation a few years back - before I met my current DH I had a bad marriage that ended in divorce. (I didn't have any kids though) My ex MIL used to come from Europe every year and would stay with us for 3 months at a time, sometimes alone and sometimes with my ex FIL. To top it off, my ex Brother in law was living with us the entire time of the marriage. My ex MIL created so many problems, she was very intrusive and controlling and my ex DH would always take her side. The question I have for you is, when your MIL is not in the picture, is everything fine between you and your DH? In my case, I used to think so but was in denial, he always put me as 2nd priority to his entire family & friends. I talked to a counselor because I was getting depressed and severe anxiety and I was told that if I were to give him an ultimatum and threaten to leave, I had to be ready to act on it. Unfortunately it took me 2 years before I was ready to do that, and I finally did (after 4 years of marriage). When it was too late, my ex kicked out his brother and tried to "change" but he really couldn't change his ways and I was emotionally done. So I don't know if I have any real advice for you because I can't imagine how hard it is to go through that with a baby, but I am here if you ever want to talk. If you can stick it out for the next month, then try your best, but maybe you could work on a plan to fix things with your DH, maybe go to counseling? Do you have any family that you could stay with if you did decide to leave him? Maybe you can try to ignore her as much as possible, walk away from an argument and pretend like it's not bothering you. It will upset her more if she thinks she can no longer manipulate you and her games arent working.

Hi there..I do think of divorce when I go through all the fighting, but then on normal days things are usually better. I cannot imagine living with FIL & BIL..MIL is more than enough. If I were to deal with situation like yours then the end result wouldn't have been any different. But one week after marriage we moved out of country and have been together ever since. This is MIL's second visit in ten years.

DH actually apologized for his behavior and we have agreed to control ourselves and not fight in front of her anymore. I bought her a handbag for her anniversary present so she is happy, plus something has come up and she will be leaving 15 days sooner than planned date.

Pheww,,had a tough time and learnt a lesson yet again (don't invite her again).

Thanks so much .

Venus

[birdblue]

Glad things are getting a bit better!