Foster Care

SarahBethsMommy · #1 July 7th, 2011, 07:52 PM

I'm a foster parent of about 4 years now. I've always wanted to foster and to adopt. I have studied the system since I was old enough to know there was a system. Recently a friend and I have been discussing views of foster care and adoption through foster care. I've never really been an "outsider" to the system, so I'm amazed sometimes at what people say to me about it. I'm coming to realize that the majority of folks really don't understand much about it.

So I've been asking my friends IRL and I wanted to ask all of you... What is your view of foster care and adoption through foster care? Like what comes to mind, what do you think it is like, why would you never consider doing it or why would you consider doing it?

I'll be happy to answer questions about it, too, if you want. I'm not trying to debate though, feel free to be honest in your answers.

#2 July 7th, 2011, 08:32 PM

I like the idea of foster to adopt because you can learn so much about the child's background. I also like that there is a support system in place and that most of the time the adoption is free. What I don't like is the idea that I could have a child in my home for years only to have them reunited with their Bio parents....yes that's a good thing but heart breaking for the people wanting to adopt. I also don't like that a lot of the children are older and it seems they come with emotional problems.

DH and I have had many, many talks about this. Right now we want to adopt from Russia through The Lighthouse agency but we don't have the $. The homestudy is $1200 and we will have to travel to Russia twice and on little notice. After all fees we are at around $40k. We just don't have that money right now.

With foster to adopt what is the likelihood of being placed with a child under 18 months? What is the likelihood the child will become free for adoption?

How do you prepare your children for the possibility that he foster child may not stay?

Daffodil · #3 July 7th, 2011, 09:06 PM

I don't know much about it, but I picture kids being put into home after home after home...I think the best outcome obviously is adoption.

shockandawe · #4 July 8th, 2011, 05:55 AM

I've considered it in the past too. I honestly wouldn't mind it, but I know myself, and I know how emotionally attached I would become, and my biggest fear would be getting attached to a foster child and then having to give them back up to the bio parent(s). I'm not sure I could handle that.

In Canada, what I do like about it is that they don't seem to place as many restrictions on the foster parent/child dynamic as straight adoption does. For instance, I would adopt/foster a child of any race, gender or religion. BUT, the adoption agencies here, place a preference on matching the child's race/religion to those of the adoptive parent. I wasn't able to figure out if those practices would affect the process even for those kids who were already placed through the foster care system. Without knowing this, I have been extremely hesitant to engage the system.

Beyond this, I will be honest, that while I love kids of all ages, and could take on a child at any age, I am sensitive to the fact that the older the child, the more abuse or neglect they've suffered, and therefore, the harder the transition would possibly be. I'd be willing to accept this with assistance, but would also be extremely nervous about it. Far more nervous than taking in a baby with immediate medical needs for example. I know this is probably too generalized, and that in many cases, some older kids might be more receptive to a kind and loving home, but knowing the bouncing that often happens, I can't imagine it would be as seamless as bringing in a bitty baby.

I'm glad there are people like you though who have gotten past perhaps some of the same reservations and jumped right in. All these kids deserve the kind of homes and families you are providing them. Who knows, maybe one day we'll be able to do it too.

#5 July 8th, 2011, 06:02 AM

I love it! But I have experience with foster in my family. My wonderful niece and nephew were both foster to adopt

Kiley (her new name) has been in the family since she was 2 and she's 6 now, and Erik (new name) has been in the family since we was born and he will be 4 this month, he is extremely special needs his dx is Williams Syndrome if anyone knows anything about it. He was also born with a cleft palate and had a feeding tube until he had surgery at age one to fix his palate. Those two kids are loved so much by everyone in our family. They were meant to be a part of us. My great friend from school does foster, but no adoption as she always has 5 bio kids and she thinks it would be to much but I truly see her adopting in the future.

Sorry Im not an outsider but I wanted to share. I've considered it before, but right now just isnt the time for us, but we WILL do it one day. Maybe not adopt but we will leave that open to changes

I also want to add (THIS IS NOT TO OFFEND ANYONE) My BIL AND SIL were told that Erik (new name of course) being African american AND special needs his likely hood to be adopted was very very slim, but THEY adopted him. They looked past his race and his special needs. He has Dr's apts all the time, and tests, and procedures, and speech, pt, ocpt and developmental therapy each week.

Jule'sMomInOR · #6 July 8th, 2011, 08:20 AM

I'm definitely an outsider. I picture kids going to stay in a foster home for a while and the parents getting money from the state to pay for their expenses. I picture the kids moving around a lot. IDK why but the picture in my head is of foster parents taking in lots of kids, not just one, although realistically I bet most of them only take in one or two.

SarahBethsMommy · #7 July 8th, 2011, 09:24 AM

Thank you all so much for your input! I really appreciate hearing all of your opinions!

Quote:

Originally Posted by HMC

With foster to adopt what is the likelihood of being placed with a child under 18 months? What is the likelihood the child will become free for adoption?

How do you prepare your children for the possibility that he foster child may not stay?

My son was placed with us at 16 months old. Many children come into care very young. If you are willing to foster a child, you are very likely to get young ones (under 2). You can request the ages that you want. You can request anything, really. If you are a foster to adopt parent the likilihood of them becoming available for adoption is fairly high. They usually move children whom they are fairly sure are going to need a forever home that is not their bio home.

My kids have never known anything different. They realize that some of the kids will move back to their bio family. Some will stay. It isn't always easy to explain to them but it is what is.

I think one of the things I hear the most is about how attached you might get. I can say that is totally true. However, as much as I love them all I know that some are going to leave. I chose to do foster care not really for myself but for the kids. So I try to put their needs first all the time. I'm not perfect at it, but I know that they need a stable home for as long as they need it. I never know how long any of my kids will be with me. I am prepared to hurt so that they don't have to hurt. But it isn't easy, that is for sure.

Also, in the US (I think it is similar in Canada, but not positive) they do require the family to go through training to become foster parents (or even to adopt through the foster system). This answers a lot of those questions you might have before going into it.

Mom-Mom · #8 July 8th, 2011, 03:31 PM

I have a little foster experience. My mil became a foster parent so she could foster to adopt her grandkids bc her daughters can not leave crack alone. She has adopted 4 of her grandkids and fostered 3 until her other daughter was able to get them back. It is a sad situation bc i honestly believe they would have been better off being fostered and adopted by strangers. But the system in Indiana tries to keep children with immediate family members if they can...even if it might be a bad idea. One of my best friends was adopted through foster care, again not a good situation. His parents own/operate a farm and basically adopted older children for farm hands. Their bio children didnt have to work on the farm, just the foster/adopted kids. Most had been in the system a while and were abused in some way by other foster families.

Unfortunately i have not seen a positive side, though i know for some children foster care is the best option and they are taken in by awesome parents. I know foster care does good for the children, but there are instances where it fails.

ElizabethS · #9 July 8th, 2011, 06:32 PM

I probably couldn't do it. I would get be too afraid to get attached and then lose that child. I probably am in the minority but for one could not do it. I admire those who can and do!

preciousgiftsmama · #10 July 8th, 2011, 06:58 PM

No time to say much except I know our state laws as dh and I were all set to start foster adoption of a sibling group

then we ended up pg with Julia and did not proceed. I love the idea and would totally do it!!!!

Oh and I should add, dh would only take a group that had already been given up for adoption. We would get too attached to a child and not want to give it back, so thats why we chose to do only those released to our state care already. Apparently there were a lot to choose from at the time