[Venus]

This is the simplest way I can ask..because I think I have got worst DH ever..we just had a fight in front of kids...which has been hurting/stressing me and I don't know what to do..I cannot talk to my friends or family about these issues. My family is from religious background and they cannot even know that a thought of divorce can cross my mind..so that is not an option.

I will try to tell you briefly what happened..I left my job because my office shifted too far and I did not look for a new job..I want to take a break and be with kids. I like it. Plus, DH has started his own business in Jan which has picked up well (it has left him really really proudy)...so there was a time when I used to earn more and now the situation is different to which DH taunts during arguments saying that I could not sustain in corporate world!!! Which is not true, I can return whenever I want. He says send kids to day care and go to work..which I do not want to do yet, may be next year.

So today DH came back home..asked me how was day and had a chat with kids..then asks for early dinner..after dinner he says I had a stressful day so going to bed early..took his iPad, called DS to watch him play game and took him upstairs..now DS did not had his dinner by then..so I went upstairs to call DS for dinner but he wants to watch daddy play..so I asked DH to come downstairs and let him have his dinner..no one listened to me..consequently DD did not get to eat with brother..or play with daddy..blame it on iPad but who is acting selfish & immature??...nobody listened to me..out of frustration DH asked DS to say ..mummy shut up and go away..then out of frustration I tried snatching ipad and then there was a war ..DD watched us and everyone was snatching ipad..I just gave up and left them with their ipad. I have told DH million times not to involve kids in his gadget mania, it affects their studies, food and concentration at school and he says okay but does that again..I have even done one-to-one adult talk in a cafe or anywhere outside and DH agrees but then again he repeats the same thing...I have been thinking over it from last 3-4 hours while everyone is asleep that from now on I will not try to lose my composure..not at least in front of children..but how??...Something in me wants to take revenge from DH for what he did today..I am thinking no more dinners for him!! Since I cant think about divorce so I really have to deal with him tactfully and be manipulative (in interest of peace & harmony)..I really want to give happy, healthy & normal upbringing to my kids..if any of you have ANY advice on how to deal with immature , gadget freak spouse then please please do share.



Love,
Venus

[stephie1012]

hugs i have no clue what you are going thru and i dont get the religious aspect. if you are married to someone like that and you want a divorce i would get a divorce.If i remember correctly this isnt the 1st time you have complained about him. i dont think i would sink to his levels and be manipulative towards him. Just be as peaceful as you can to him and only talk to him when you have to.

hugs

[mshah]

The only advice I have is probably not something you want to hear....but here goes anyway.

First of all, I'm really sorry your marriage is stressing you to the point of thinking about divorce. Surely, if it's gotten that far you need to begin to think about some serious marital counseling. From the short blip above, it does seem glaringly obvious to me, though that you both are having some trouble communicating. Not just in relating your needs to each other, but understanding them. Counseling might be a good tool to learn how to understand each other a bit better.

Now, on to the advice you may not want to hear. While I absolutely do not think I have the perfect marriage, nor the perfect DH, I have learned to pick my battles. Dh and I are so very different fro each other in every single way that if we each chose to voice our disagreements every time it would just ruin what we have. Over the years we've both learned to just let most things go, as for the most part they really don't cause any harm. If something really really is very important it's brought up, and in most cases we let the other have their way if it means more to them than to us. I honestly, and bluntly, would have let it go had I been in your shoes. Something as simple as (in that moment) having your LO eat downstairs at that exact time vs delaying it for some one-on-one time with their father wasn't worth it to have that kind of fight. You've got to stop and breathe through your anger before you act on it. Think it out rationally first. And, as hard as it is at that time do your best not to do anything at that moment, but instead bring it up to your DH later in private. This keeps your kids from seeing these types of disagreements. As far as your Dh teaching your little one to say "shutup" to you is so amazingly disrespectful and immature. He's teaching them to disregard whatever you tell them to do and not have any authority. That's going to cause worse problems in the long run than holding off on dinner for a few minutes. He really needs to learn some major communication skills....

Anyway, that's just my thoughts based on a snippet of your marriage. However things progress for you, I only wish you the absolute best. Just remember to breathe!

[Jeanie915]

I agree with Miranda. You've got to choose your battles. I do not have the perfect marriage. My dh is always working or he's busy with something and it's exhausting trying to maintain the home on my own. But when he is here, I try to be careful about issues I bring up to him. My main goal is to take care of my child and do what I know is right. I understand the religious thoughts as I believe the same thing. I do not believe in divorce if there is any way to work the situation out. I think counseling sounds like a very good option for you guys. If you want your marriage to work, bring the idea of counseling up to him or tell him that some of the things going on are making your marriage extremely unhappy. Try to just have a sit down one on one and both of you discuss what makes you unhappy/happy and talk about what you can do as individuals to make the marriage better. I really hope it all works out. ((hugs))

[mommydiva]

My brain is fried at the moment so forgive me if it doesn't sound/come out right.

I have to agree with a lot of what Miranda has said.

No my DH is not perfect nor am I. We have been through so much that many people would have been screaming just get a divorce already. But for some reason we still are together. I at the moment am in counseling for myself to deal with my anger/resentment towards DH. So we do have our issues. But the truth is they are no longer his issues as much as they are mine so I need to fix it. We also are going to be doing some marriage counseling after his work slows down. Or at the very least go on a marriage retreat that is offered through the Army.

I would not manipulate at all it does nothing for the relationship but make it worse. I do understand the divorce thing however what I have learned in the last 12 yrs of being with DH I no longer am looking at divorce as a failure. I rather give my kids a happy life and see their parents happy then faking it. Kids do and can tell when one is faking it. I will always fight for my marriage however I will only be willing to do so much to include counseling, talking, reading books and changing myself not expecting him to change. If it is something I am not willing to change on then I won't change it. If that one thing would mean ending my marriage over then so be it.

I do agree in picking battles. My biggest issue I have is I am yeller. DH is not. I react off of my emotions and it causes arguments. DH will then walk away and ignore me because he thinks logically. I am learning to notice when I get to that point and just say okay I am done with this conversation and walk away myself. And tell him when I am ready to discuss this in a calm matter I will then do so. I may or may not talk about it after I think about it.

Another struggle we have is letting go of my need to control the situation when he is dealing with DD. There are times where really its no big deal and I need to remember that and honestly I think its about 98% of the time. As long as it not a health, safety or abusive situation. Then I am learning to lay off and let him do his thing. And accepting that he just does things semi differently.

Like for example DH loves giving her tastes of everything and when I mean everything that is from a sip of pop to hot sauce. I have said my piece on it to him and thats it. I won't say it anymore. He isn't putting pop in her cup by any means so the reality of the sip she is getting is so small and he has done it like 2-3 times. The hot sauce well she likes it..lol

So I guess you really need to reevaluate what really is important to you and what you can let go of. Highly suggest marriage help books like the Love Dare if you can't do counseling but I would do that. Need to talk to him in a none attacking form and separate emotion from logic.

[noworries]

I would definitely look into counseling and if your DH won't go with you, go by yourself. It sounds like your relationship is very unhealthy and that can affect your kids more than a divorce.

[mshah]

Originally Posted by mommydiva

My biggest issue I have is I am yeller. DH is not. I react off of my emotions and it causes arguments. DH will then walk away and ignore me because he thinks logically. I am learning to notice when I get to that point and just say okay I am done with this conversation and walk away myself. And tell him when I am ready to discuss this in a calm matter I will then do so. I may or may not talk about it after I think about it.

Another struggle we have is letting go of my need to control the situation when he is dealing with DD. There are times where really its no big deal and I need to remember that and honestly I think its about 98% of the time. As long as it not a health, safety or abusive situation. Then I am learning to lay off and let him do his thing. And accepting that he just does things semi differently.

Like for example DH loves giving her tastes of everything and when I mean everything that is from a sip of pop to hot sauce. I have said my piece on it to him and thats it. I won't say it anymore. He isn't putting pop in her cup by any means so the reality of the sip she is getting is so small and he has done it like 2-3 times. The hot sauce well she likes it..lol

So I guess you really need to reevaluate what really is important to you and what you can let go of. Highly suggest marriage help books like the Love Dare if you can't do counseling but I would do that. Need to talk to him in a none attacking form and separate emotion from logic.

Um, wow. Are you sure we're not living the same life? holy cow! you described me, my marriage, and my dh and what he does to omair exactly!!! lol!!!