K, I'm gonna post this now, because I have work tomorrow and don't want to forget! I'm working on getting pictures, but most of the pictures from my early life, and into my early 20's are still at my parents' house, so bear with me! As soon as I get some, I'll add
Oh, and please don't judge me. I share some personal stuff, and yeah, I've been stupid, but... this about getting to know one another, right?? So... yeah, just play nice please
MONDAY
I was born on Tuesday, April 2, 1985 at 4:43 PM, in Fort Worth, TX. I could have been an April Fool’s baby, but my mom chose to have a little bit of mercy – I was overdue, so she had scheduled an induction. Obviously, I don’t remember much of anything from that day. What I do know is that my dad bought me an over-sized teddy bear (affectionately dubbed Big Teddy), and I still have him to this day.
My sister, Laura, was born March 30, 1987, just three days before my 2nd birthday. I’m told that I doted on her, and called her “MY baby” and hated when anyone took her from me. We’ve always celebrated our birthdays together:
For the first 14 years of my life, we lived in a two-story, 3-bedroom, 2.5-bathroom house on a quiet cul-de-sac in Euless, TX, and it served us well. It had a decent-sized backyard, where we always had at least one dog to play with.
BELOW: This is a pretty recent photo. The tree on the right was planted when I was born, and the tree to the left was planted when my sister was born. I remember them being so small!
BELOW: I used to climb that big, sprawling tree there with my friends. We had a playhouse too, that my grandfather built, that sat between that tree and the fence. We also had a swing set that was between the two trees.
The cul-de-sac that we grew up on had 15 houses on it. Out of those houses, there were 18 children (including my sister and me), all pretty much – relatively – around the same age. Most of us were 1-2 years apart, then there were a few that were 4-5 years older or younger, but we still all played together all the time. Some of our favorite things to do were play Tag, and all of its different variations, or pretend our bikes were cars and assign each person’s house as a designated facility (gas station, mall, school, church, etc). On rainy days, we would all go to somebody’s house and play games like Murderer In The Dark, or build tents with chairs and tables and sheets. Our best friend in the whole world, Andrea, lived right next door to us. She was a year younger than me and a year older than my sister. We could stay overnight at her house on school nights, and we just thought that was the coolest thing. Her mom was like a second mom to us, albeit a bit kooky at times, but that’s what we loved about her!
My sister and I were very fortunate, in that we pretty much always had family around. My parents are still together, this September will be 35 years. My mom worked full-time for GTE (which became Verizon, then Idearc, and is currently SuperMedia) – she’s actually still there! My dad worked as a firefighter/paramedic since shortly before I was born, and at one point, was an EMT on the CareFlight helicopters. On August 2, 1985, exactly 4 months after I was born, he was one of the first on the scene at DFW Airport when Delta Flight 191 crashed. He later told me, at some point during my teen years, that it was extremely difficult for him – it was the first time he had experienced the stench of burning flesh, and he could hear pops and crackles, which ended up being gasses in the victims as they burned. He was just a rookie at that time, and one of the victims was an infant, about my age, so it really hit home for him. Once I was born, my mom made him change his position at the station, so that he would no longer be entering burning buildings and such – so, that’s how he ended up driving the ambulance, and performing mainly as a paramedic. He currently works as the EMS Clinical Coordinator for the city of Arlington, and it has its share of perks – free field-level access to any event at the Cowboys’ Stadium, for example. He’s actually been in Jerry Jones’ office at their practice facility in Valley Ranch (pictured below).
All of my immediate family lived in the area as I grew up. My dad’s parents lived a mile or two away, literally just across Main Street from us, and his sister and her family lived within 10 minutes of us. Everyone on my mom’s side of the family lived within a 15-mile radius, and I even had both of my great-grandmothers on her side up until high school. In fact, one of my great-grandmothers used to keep my sister and me when we were young on the days my dad was at the station (as a fireman, he worked 24-on/48-off). Below is a picture of just a handful of my family, I was probably around 21 at the time (I’m the one with the PINK dog shirt, with my mom and dad behind me, and my sister is the one off to the left with her hands on her knees):
My sister and I went to one elementary school, one middle school and one high school – all in the same school district. We only moved once, when I was 14, the summer before my freshman year in high school, and even then, it was only a couple miles away from our old house. Before our move, though, I used to walk every day to my grandparents’ house (yes, in the heat of the summer). I wish I could say it was just because I wanted to visit with them, but I did have an ulterior motive – Nick, the “bad boy” in my grade at school, lived right next door to them, and we had started talking one day while I was over there for a visit, and at that time, he was the only hot guy that had shown me any interest, so I quickly developed a huge crush on him. I didn’t think in a million years he’d have any interest in me – he was highly desired by the other girls at school, and with his track record (both with girls, and the law), I didn’t think I stood a chance. Anyways, during one of my visits that summer, he invited me in for some milk (yeah, I know, strange lol) and next thing I knew, he kissed me, and I was just a mess lol I had never been kissed before, and I remember not wanting to disappoint him, but I didn’t know WTH I was doing! He wanted to take it further, but I kind of freaked out and backed off, and needless to say… he didn’t talk to me much after that. I was so upset, and I pined away after him the rest of the summer.
The block we moved onto had more “kids” our age, in fact, one of them had been in my sister’s Kindergarten class years before. We all became fast friends, and fortunately, I took a liking to one of them right off the bat – which took my mind off of Nick. Eddie was another “bad boy” of sorts – his parents were divorcing, and he was acting out, so they had sent him off to military school down in Harlingen. Unfortunately, he had a thing for one of the other girls on the block. I developed a resentment for her, even though she was cool as hell, but didn’t give up on Eddie. At the same time, one of the other guys – Cameron – developed a thing for ME, despite having a girlfriend of 2-3 years. He even broke up with her, but I kept turning him down. Eddie would be gone to military school for a couple months at a time, then come back for a week or two to visit. Over Christmas break, he came back, and actually seemed… I dunno, excited? Excited to see me. We all stayed up late, and he and I were the last two out, laying in a hammock, and… yeah. I finally got that kiss I had been waiting for! But… guys SUCK. He still wanted the other girl, let’s just say he had been away at a school with a bunch of other guys, and he pretty much told me that he knew I would put out for him. Nice, huh?
During all this time, my bestest friend in the world was a girl named Allison. We were inseparable, and she may have been a bad influence on me lol She kind of turned me into a little bit of a pothead in high school. She also got me to try cocaine, which we would do every few months. We hung with the “punk” kids (and I use quotes b/c they just fit the stereotype, looking back, I see they weren’t truly punk lol). You know, the ones that dyed their hair blue, or green, and put them in mohawks, wore studded leather vests and tight plaid pants with boots. Yeah. WE didn’t dress like that. Just hung out with people that did haha Her parents owned a summer house in Breckenridge, CO, and during summer break each year, that’s where they’d go. I went every summer to visit for 2-3 weeks, and during that time, we got crazeh I will have to look for the pix, but there was one instance where she, 2 other girls and I drove up the side of the mountain in her Jeep Grand Cherokee and got PLASTERED off a couple of bottles of Smirnoff Raspberry Vodka. To this day, the smell of raspberry makes me nauseous.
She and I also got into body piercing. Yes, we were only 16, but we found a place that would pierce minors without parental consent, and went out there almost monthly, til we ran out of body parts to get pierced. Let me just say, the good thing about piercings is that they’re reversible! LOL We used to spend our days after school hanging out at the local Waffle House with friends, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, socializing and doing crossword puzzles lol We loved our crossword puzzles. Unfortunately, I have only seen her three times since we graduated high school in 2003. Once was when I went to visit her that summer after graduation, then I went again in the summer of 2004, and she came to TX on her way home from Spring Break in FL in 2007. I miss her! I’m hoping she’ll be able to send me some pix of our crazy adventures to put on here, because I don’t have a clue where mine went!
Al & me during one of our more sane moments lol
Anyways, back to where I was with the guys – I decided I was done going after the bad boy types, and started reconsidering Cameron early into my sophomore year of high school. He was a nice guy, very polite, mature and respectful, literally the “boy next door”. So, I finally agreed to go out with him – a whole year after he first started pursuing me. Little did I know at the time, but he would become my high school sweetheart – we ended up dating for four years, into my sophomore year of college. I got to go to prom twice in high school, once as his date (he was a year older than me), and then again for my own prom. He taught me how to drive a stick shift, but I ended up running over an Allen’s wrench and blowing his tire lol We broke up once, when he went to Mexico on a class trip during his freshman year in college, and came home with a new girlfriend. I made sure that didn’t last long though lol We were back together within the month. Yeah, we had our ups and downs, our ons and offs. But he was my first true love, I seriously thought we would get married one day. But then, when I was 20 years old, I did him wrong… very very wrong, and I still have guilt to this day.
We were at a Blues Festival that a local city holds every year, which just so happened to be in a big field right across from his apartment complex, so I had him buy me a bunch of beer, I got loaded up, and then we headed across the street. While we were there, we met this other couple – Derek and Sarah – who had asked me for a lighter, just in passing. We ended up inviting them back to his apartment for more beer-drinking, and honestly had a great evening. That night, when I got home, Derek called me. I was as naive as they came, you would think that after Nick and Eddie, I would know how guys operated. But no, I thought he just wanted to be cool, hang out, be friends. He invited Cameron and me over to his place the following weekend, and just so happens, Cameron ended up not feeling well and didn’t want to go. But I still did! Derek and I hung out, played video games, drank some beer – then he kissed me. And, stupid me, I kissed him back. Part of me felt trapped by Cameron, because he was the only serious boyfriend I had ever had. I was a sophomore in college, and realized there WAS more out there. But I did love him. Either way, I went with the moment, and just kissed him back. That didn’t mean I wanted to go further than that, but being drunk, and confused, let’s just say I got taken advantage of, even though I do remember telling him to stop. And I’ll be ****** if Sarah didn’t show up as I was leaving, and she backed her car into mine in a blind rage. I felt so guilty, I broke up with Cameron over the phone the next day.
Derek and I decided to give it a go, but right from the start, it was touch and go. Within the first month, he told me he didn’t know if this was what he really wanted, but we still moved forward. About 3 months in, he shoved me for the first time, and I was speechless. All because I accidentally got cigarette ash on the floor. But I still felt so guilty over what I had done to Cameron, that I decided that I HAD to make this relationship work, I didn’t want to have broken his heart for nothing. I knew Derek was cheating on me, not only did he admit to it a couple of times, but I caught him red-handed a few times. Nevertheless, 9 months into our “relationship” we decided to move into together. I had been going to school and working part-time, but I took a full-time job specifically to be able to afford to move in with him. Turns out, taking that job was the best thing I ever did – which I’ll get into more on Tuesday It was exciting to finally live with my boyfriend, but at the same time, I hated the constant knot in my stomach, and the nauseous feeling I got when his phone would ring and he’d leave the room to answer it. He actually convinced me that it was entirely inappropriate to have any male friends, because guys were only after one thing, and if I was friends with them, they would think they had a chance with me. So I cut all my guy friends out of my life. If I talked to a guy, there had to be a good reason behind it, or I’d get the 3rd degree. Our fights went from just throwing words to throwing punches and objects. More often than not, he won – specific instances I recall (because I’ve blocked a lot out): He nailed me with a boot from across the room, only after missing me with the space heater; he shoved me into our kitchen chairs, causing them to fall onto me; he threw me into the side of his car parked on the street, then I fell onto the curb – all in front of a yard-full of his friends at a BBQ, who did absolutely nothing; he wanted to take my car for a drive to cool off because we had been fighting, and I told him no, so he wrestled me to the ground, held my face against the concrete, and forced the keys out of my hand; and he punched me in the back of the head as I walked away from him after spouting off in his face. There was a lot more, but those are the most pronounced instances in my head.
Not only did he physically abuse me, but he verbally, emotionally and sexually abused me too. Of course the cheating caused a lot of emotional pain for me – I know of at least 7 different girls, and at least 20 different instances. I know there is a lot more that I still don’t know about to this day. He constantly wore at me with his words – called me names, played games with my head. He raped me several times over the course of the 2 years we were together, and there were times when I’d wake up in the middle of the night because he’d be… well, you get the idea. The relationship was F***ED UP. And I wanted to leave, and tried to so many times, but he had actually gotten me to believe that no one else wanted me, and I was lucky just to have him even. My self esteem was non-existent.
I know the song was overplayed and everything, and unless you've been at the hands of abuse, the video may not have as much impact, but the music video for "Love The Way You Lie" by Rhianna and Eminem almost makes me sick to my stomach every time I watch it. The way things are portrayed in the video is very very much like what I went through with Derek:
‪Eminem - Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna‬‏ - YouTube
Here's a nice picture of me that Derek took - me, drunk, just hangin' out on the top of his car... yeah, I'm so proud...
Derek was on probation when we met for an assault charge he got before we even met. He was in and out of jail during our relationship for different occurrences – a few DWI’s, etc, etc, etc. He actually totaled my car one night on his way to pick me up from my weekend job at Victoria’s Secret, because he had been drinking whiskey and took a couple of Xanax. Took out a light pole and everything, which my parents ended having to foot the bill for, because the car was in their name. Well, the summer of 2006, almost 2 years after we started dating, he was sentenced to 4 years in prison for the multiple probation violations he had incurred. I was devastated and moved back in at my parents’ house.
He talked me into wanting to get married, while he was in prison, and I went so far as to get the marriage license and arrange for the “ceremony” – and then backed out the day before. Something about it just didn’t feel “right” and I knew that he would be upset, but I felt safe knowing that I could tell him with a pane of glass between us. Of course, that’s never how I pictured myself getting married, and that’s what I told him. If we were going to get married, it was going to be the right way, with a wedding, with my family there, so it would have to be after he got out. What I DIDN’T tell him was that within the first two months of him being in prison, I had gone a little crazy myself – going out to the bars, “meeting” new people… there was one time I went to visit him, and had to make sure my hair was down to cover up the hickeys on my neck lol I know that makes me sound like a huge ****, but I think it was just my way of getting back at him for everything he did to me, and my way of celebrating my new-found freedom. I had also started doing some hardcore drugs – there were a few guys from the bar I had gotten to know, who WANTED to hook up with me, but I just teased them – they invited me over one night and we smoked crystal meth, which… it wasn’t my FIRST time to try it, which again, I’ll get into more tomorrow. But I had never done it with much regularity, and for a good month or so there, I was over there at least every other day. Terrible, I know, but when I say I went crazy, I mean… I went no-holds-barred crazy. I didn’t know what to do with myself. There was one night, I had passed out in my car, in the parking lot of a bar, and woke up to a cop tapping on my window. Why he didn’t haul me off to jail, I don’t know, he called my mom (at 3:00 in the morning) to come pick me up instead. Needless to say, my dad was in my room at 6:00 that morning, dragging me out of bed, screaming in my face over the whole ordeal – he didn’t really seem to care that I was hungover! Anyways, I was on a downward spiral, a very self-destructive path, and on October 24, 2006, something happened that put a sudden halt to the life I had been living… which I will get to on Wednesday.
TUESDAY
Brian and I met in early July of 2005, about a month after Derek and I moved in together. I had taken that full-time job I mentioned, to help pay the bills at our new place. My mom actually hooked me up with the job, at Verizon corporate HQ, as an administrative assistant, so I was working with her essentially, but not in the same department. I started meeting a lot of new people there, and there was this guy, Parrish, who kept trying to get me to go out with him, but I kept turning him down because I was with Derek.
I knew a bunch of people only by the names I saw on the reports I ran every day, but didn't have faces to put to all the names. One day, Parrish and I went outside to the smoking area, and he walked up to this young guy that I had seen out there a few times before, but never spoken to. He said, "Hey Brian, have you met my new girlfriend??" and I quickly shot him down again, and introduced myself. I finally knew who this Brian guy was on the reports! And let's just say, my eyes were not disappointed lol
By the end of the week, he and I were virtually inseparable during breaks and lunchtime. People started wondering if we were dating, but he too was seeing someone else. In August, Derek went to jail for 2 1/2 weeks, and I invited Brian over to hang out, because I was bored and lonely, and genuinely enjoyed his company. He ended up staying the night with me 2 nights in a row, but we never did anything, not even kiss - that's not to say we didn't WANT to, but I kept turning him down, and he actually respected that!
When Derek got out of jail, I made the mistake of telling him about Brian coming over, and he automatically accused me of cheating on him. He never let it go either, every chance he could throw it in my face, he would.
In September, Derek had to take me to the ER one night because I had excruciating pain in my abdomen, and I was there all night. Turned out, I had 2 ovarian cysts, and needless to say, I called in to work the next day. My boss - who little did I know at the time, had a huge crush on Brian herself - used the opportunity as an excuse to fire me. As soon as I was out of the picture, Brian said she started throwing herself at him. I was absolutely livid!
The following month, October, Derek found himself once again headed back to jail for 90 days. I tried to be good at first, and limit my contact with Brian, but I was so drawn to him. By early November, he and I were back to talking regularly, but we hadn't seen each other since I got fired. A couple weeks later, we finally got together again, and we just couldn't hold back anymore. I threw caution to the wind and decided to forget about Derek, for the most part, while he was in jail. He still called me COLLECT every single day, and required me to come visit him weekly - his way of still having control, even from behind bars. But I never told him I was seeing Brian, and he never knew any different.
Pic of us from Fall or Winter 2005 (he added the rose background while he was messing around with Photoshop lol)
Brian and I did a lot of partying together during that time. Drinking, drugs - just a lot of stupid stuff that I'm glad we both left in the past a long time ago. But at that time, that's the level we connected on - just a couple of young kids who didn't give a crap about anything except having a good time together, no matter what the cost or consequence. He asked me to marry him one day - not officially, on one knee with a ring or anything, but we were just sitting there talking, and he asked me. I told him no, and he just smiled at me. We did finally decide we wanted to be together officially, but I was so scared for some reason. As soon as Derek got out of jail - which just so happened to be on Brian's 25th birthday - I went immediately back to him. It's like he had an invisible chain around my neck, and yanked me back at every opportunity.
Needless to say - Brian was crushed. And again, I was racked with guilt. I tried to stay in touch with him, but he refused to speak with me. In fact, the next thing I knew, he was dating my former boss, the one who fired me because she wanted him. That was like a slap in the face to me. I would try to call him or text him all the time, especially when Derek and I were having a knock-down-drag-out fight, but never could get him to talk to me, even if he actually answered. In desperation, I actually started calling my former boss' phone trying to get him - which apparently didn't go over too well with her...
I finally gave up. I was heart-broken, and miserable with Derek, but didn't know what else to do. In July 2006, when Derek went to jail, I decided to focus on my job, and just try to earn enough money to get back out of my parents' house and wait for him to be released 4 years later. Yeah, I actually thought I would wait for him for 4 years, just to get back into a terrible relationship.
On September 9 - a Saturday - I had gone in to work to get caught up on some stuff and work some accounts, and decided to check my MySpace account (yes, before Facebook was the cool thing to do) and just about fainted when I saw a message from Brian on there - "Don't tell Carrie I sent you this, but I need to talk to you. Text me at xxx-xxx-xxxx when you have a minute" So I wasted no time! He called me back almost immediately and told me that he had decided to enlist in the army, and would be leaving for basic training the following week, and that he couldn't leave without seeing me one more time. I told him I was available that very evening, if he was. So I left work, and went and picked him up, and we went to a park and just talked. Once it got dark, we decided we weren't ready to call it a night, but didn't have anywhere else to go, or much money to spend, so we just got a hotel room. He told me that he had been thinking about me for a long time, and it had been really hard for him to ignore me all the times before when I had been trying to get in touch with him, especially because he didn't know if I was ok or not (he knew about everything between Derek and me). He said he finally broke down and decided to contact me when he heard the song "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder come on the radio, which had just come out right about that time, but I had never really listened to it.
Morning came, and I hugged and kissed him goodbye, honestly believing that was the last time I'd see him again. On my drive home, "Lips of an Angel" came on the radio, and I actually listened to it that time, and just started blubbering and bawling. I was a hot mess!
The following week, I got a text from him on the day he was supposed to be leaving. I put off looking at it, because I was at work, and didn't want to start crying again when I saw him telling me goodbye again. So I was totally thrown off when I checked it at lunch and read that he wasn't going to be going anywhere, he had failed the drug test! Yeah... pretty bad, but still... I almost started crying out of relief!
At that point, he said screw it, broke up with Carrie (my former boss), and decided he wanted to give us another chance. But I wasn't in the same boat, still afraid to leave Derek, even though he was just 3 months in to a 4 year prison sentence. I kept going back and forth, emotionally I was torn and confused. We continued seeing each other, and partying almost every night like before (this was the point in time I was really spiraling out of control, but I had stopped seeing other guys and had been dating Brian exclusively since we got back in touch).
On October 21, I randomly froze in the middle of doing something because it suddenly struck me that my last period had started 6 weeks before. And my cycle was like clockwork at that time, I was 10 days late. I seriously thought my body was just out of whack because of all the emotional and physical stress I had been putting myself under, but on a whim, I bought 3 of the cheapo pregnancy tests. And when all 3 of them came up positive, I texted a friend who had already had a baby, asking her if it was possible to have a false positive, and of course, she didn't help calm me down, she said no, not really. On the 23rd, I went to a clinic for a free test, but they just did a urine test too, which I had already done 3 of myself! When that one came back positive, I called my Dr office and they told me to come in the next morning.
So, on October 24, I went to the Dr and had an ultrasound, and that's when I saw my baby boy's heartbeat for the first time. I knew right then and there that I needed to take a major chill pill and not do anything else that could harm my little bean.
Us, shortly after I found out I was pregnant
As crazy at it sounds - I still wasn't sure about who I should be with. Brian, and all of my friends and family, were disgusted with me because I still considered Derek an option. But Brian asked me again if I would marry him, just like he had before. And again I told him no. He asked me every day from that point on, and every day, I told him no. And then one day, between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I literally had a "light-bulb moment" - you always hear about those, but that was the most pronounced one I have ever experienced. I was sitting there talking to Brian on the phone late one night, and thought to myself, "*** are you DOING, Melissa??" And I dropped everything and drove the 40 miles to his sister's apartment where he was staying and told him "YES!" and never looked back.
On New Year's Day, I moved into his sister's apartment with him, and we started looking for a place of our own. We finally found ourselves a nice little townhome in early Spring, and enjoyed what was left of our time together without any kiddos running around lol
Josh was born that June, which I'll tell more about tomorrow, and in late July my mom and I started planning the wedding. I knew it was gonna be small, just family and a few close friends. Also, because I hadn't been working at all, and we had a new baby, we were on a tight budget, so small was all we could afford anyways lol
On September 9, 2007, we finally got married - exactly one year after we had unofficially gotten back together. Our relationship has been a roller coaster, and I finally had to realize that God had been pushing me in this direction the whole time, I had just been pushing back for some reason, and finally had to recognize a sign when I saw one. That whole cliche saying, "If you love someone, let them go, if they come back, it was meant to be" totally applied in our situation - a few times over!
Some wedding pix
More recent pix
WEDNESDAY
So, as I stated in yesterday's storyline, I got my BFP in late October, and needless to say, I was terrified! I was in no position to be a mom, I wasn't even sure whose girlfriend I wanted to be! I remember sitting the in the bathroom, staring at the tests, just trembling and crying. I texted Brian that I needed to talk to him, but he was already asleep for the night. I kept thinking the tests had to be wrong, they were the generic brand kind, I thought maybe they could just be faulty.
The next day, I finally got Brian on the phone and told him. He wasn't thrilled either, mainly because of indecisiveness to be with him. He kept asking me if I was sure, and I kept saying "I took 3 tests, but I don't know how accurate they are, I'm going to the clinic tomorrow for a free test." Yes, we were both in total denial.
When I went to the clinic, they just made me pee in a cup, and I thought to myself "I've already POAS three times!!" I wanted them to do a blood test or ultrasound or something more definitive! Of course it came back positive, and then I had to sit through a mini-counseling session and watch a video about "choices" - abortion, adoption or keep it. When I finally got done, I went down to my car and immediately called my Dr's office and they scheduled me for an ultrasound first thing the next morning. Lol I remember saying to them, "Yeah, so, this clinic just told me I'm pregnant, but I dunno, I think I should come in just to be sure." I honestly still didn't believe it! Brian had to work, and told me to tell him what my Dr said.
So the next morning, I go in, and they take me into the sonogram room and show me "the wand" lol I was scared to death, but knew I needed this to happen in order to make it real to me. And the next thing I knew, I had stopped breathing and my eyes filled up with tears - there it was, a little flicker on the screen. I had a little beating heart in my belly and hadn't even known it!
I called and told Brian on my way home, and he asked me what I planned to do. I told him I was going to have a baby, of course! He told me that I really needed to think about my situation and only make a decision after considering all angles. I didn't need to though, I knew the moment I saw that screen at my Dr's office, I was going to be a mama. I went home and sat and just stared at the printout they had given me. I was scared to death to tell my parents. The next day, I wrote a note to them, telling them I was 6 weeks pregnant, and put the ultrasound picture in with it, and left it on their bed. I got really freaked out when they went to bed for the night, especially when I sat waiting... and waiting... and waiting... and I went and checked the crack under their bedroom door, and it was dark. Wow, talk about anxiety!
They waited a whole day to talk to me about it. The following evening, they called me into their room and asked me all kinds of questions. I was on the defensive, but they had every right to ask the questions they were asking, I was just scared, and a little bit ashamed. I lost it when my dad started to cry, just saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over again.
Life went on, but things were a lot different. Instead of heading out to the bars at 8:00 or 9:00 at night, I was already fast asleep - that 1st trimester wore me out. I started reconnecting with my parents. And I ultimately decided that Brian was the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, which made the most sense too, considering I was having his baby lol
Brian already had 2 boys from a previous relationship, and at one point in the past, shortly after we started falling for each other, he had told me that I'd have his little girl one day. So, he was set on this baby being a girl. We even picked out a girl's name. But deep down, it just didn't feel right, I had that intuition, and knew the baby was a boy. So, when we went for the ultrasound, the day after Brian's birthday, it came as no surprise to me when my Dr told us "I'm 99.99% sure you can break open the blue paint cans!" Brian wasn't AS thrilled, but I knew he was excited too.
Me @ 35 weeks
Baby shower
We fought over names for MONTHS, before I finally gave in and let Brian choose. My pregnancy with Josh was textbook. Every appointment went perfectly, never had any concerns, complications, or anything. My EDD was June 18, 2007, and on June 17, we spent the day at my grandparents for Father's Day, and as it got later into the evening, started feeling a familiar ache in my lower back. That late into my pregnancy, I was constantly uncomfortable and achy. I didn't think anything of it. It was crazy stormy that weekend, and didn't look like it would be letting up into the night. My dad, who was Lieutenant for the Fire Dept in a neighboring city at the time, said tomorrow would be the worst day for me to have the baby, because his boss was going out of town, and he would have to go in early and all... told him I'd be sure to pass along the message.
After we got home, there were torrential downpours of rain, and the electricity kept getting kicked off by the lightning. After eating a spaghetti dinner, Brian and I decided to go to bed for the night. Well, that was the plan!
No sooner had I gotten into a deep sleep, was I awoken by the same pain in my lower back, only it was worse than it had been earlier. I could only assume it was 3:00 or 3:30 in the morning at that point, because the clock hadn't been reset since the power kept going off. I did what I could to get comfortable again, and started drifting off again, but before I could get to sleep, I was awoken once again by the pain in my back. It was odd to me - while I had often been unable to get to sleep in the past, never had I actually been woken up by the pain. Still, I brushed it aside, rolled over again, and tried to get back to sleep. Once again, as I started drifting off, the pain woke me back up. I gave up at that point and decided to get up and watch some TV.
As I passed time flipping through the channels, the ache in my lower back and came and went, came and went, came and went. I figured my muscles were sore for whatever reason (being 40 weeks pregnant, EVERYthing was sore). I couldn't understand, though, why the pain was intensifying as the hour passed by. It didn't occur to me that contractions aren't always felt in the abdomen, and that 1 in 5 women experience back labor. Around 5:00, it was painful enough that I figured something needed to be done, one way or the other. I called my parents, who are typically up around 5:00, and spoke with my mother. She recommended a hot shower, and to call my Doctor's office to see what they felt I should do. Problem was, my Doctor's office didn't open until 8:00, another three hours! I felt that I could tough it out until then, and went to take a hot shower in the meantime.
The shower was wonderful, it relieved the pain (that was now coming about every five minutes or so). But the second I stepped out, the pain was exactly as it was before. I went back downstairs to watch TV again, in an attempt to distract myself from the pain. All over the news was coverage of extensive flooding all over the area due to the rain the previous night. My father, a Fire Lieutenant for a local town, had been called in three hours early because a flood gate had broken in his district. He had predicted several days earlier that I would probably end up having the baby on my due date, just because that would be an inconvenient day for him, because he was scheduled to be at work. I had laughed it off, thinking of how unlikely it would be to actually have him on my due date!
Around 6:00, I could hardly tolerate it anymore. I was twisting myself into all sorts of positions (as best I could) to relieve myself of the pain as it came around. I realized I would not be able to wait another two hours until my Doctor's office opened, so I called the hospital that I was registered to deliver at. After being transferred three or four times, I finally got ahold of a Labor & Delivery nurse. After explaining to her my symptoms and concerns, she recommended that I come in within the next couple of hours to be checked out, because it sounded to her like I was in early labor. Early labor?!? It still hadn't registered in my head that this could actually be labor! I think I was in denial.
I waited another half hour or so, then went upstairs and woke Brian up. I told him I had been having pains, and had called the hospital and they said to come in within the next couple of hours. He rolled back over and said, "We have a couple of hours then," and went back to sleep. Ohhhh, that made me mad! I didn't say anything though. I started packing the last few items into my hospital bags, then took them downstairs and set them by the door.
By 7:00, I was unable to stand or walk through the pains anymore. I waited for one to pass, then made my way back upstairs to our room. I woke Brian up again, and firmly stated, "I can't wait another couple of hours. Get up, get ready, we need to go soon." Amazingly, he got up without any further discussion. I went back downstairs to tough it out until he was ready.
The pain was still primarily in my lower back, and was becoming so intense that I could no longer talk during it. Mr. Know-It-All Brian said at one point, "We can go up there, but they're going to send us right back home. But I'll take you up there." I was in too much pain to argue with him, although despite what he said, he called his parents to inform them of the situation.
Finally, by about 8:00, he was ready to go. I told him to get the car door unlocked and open for me, because I would have to get up and get in between the pains, which were getting closer and closer together. I hadn't been timing them because, like I said, 1) I was in denial, and 2) all of the clocks in the house needed to be reset because of the storms the night before (the time frames I am referencing, I know because I checked the clock on my phone from time to time). We timed the contractions on our way to the hospital. They were coming in three minute intervals, and lasting for about a minute. So I was experiencing roughly a minute and a half to two minutes of relief between each contraction. That was the longest car ride EVER! Having a contraction every minute or two, while sitting in rush hour traffic... NOT FUN! Brian was sweet enough to offer his free hand for me to squeeze... I didn't let go!
Once we got to the hospital, Brian pulled the car up to the entrance and waited for me to get out. I just sat there and looked at him - did he really expect me to get out and stand there waiting for him to go park?? I asked him to please go get me a wheelchair, there was no way I could stand or walk for more than a minute, much less make it up the elevator and into the Labor/Delivery wing. He apparently thought I was over-exaggerating, but nonetheless, went to get a wheelchair for me. He pushed me in and left me sitting next to the elevators while he went to park. I felt quite vulnerable, people walking by as I huffed and puffed my way through contractions, just sitting there waiting... at the time though, do you think I really cared?
We got up to Labor/Delivery and I got checked in. After answering the hundred million questions they ask (some of them more than once), they examined me and determined I was already seven to eight cm dilated. "Send us back home" my butt! Brian made the necessary phone calls - to his work to tell them he wouldn't be in that day; to my parents to confirm that yes, I was in labor; to his parents.
Of all people, my busy father was the first one to the hospital. He and Brian were in the room with me, and I was in the bed still fighting my way through contractions. That seriously is the worst pain I've ever felt! At one point, while I was in the middle of a contraction, Brian had the nerve to comment, "Wow, that one's off the chart!" while looking at the monitor. I yelled back, "SHUT... UP!!" I mean, seriously, do you really think I need you TELLING me how bad it really is, while I'm sitting there EXPERIENCING it??
FINALLY, the anesthesiologist came in to give me my epidural. Sweet relief!! I was in Heaven at that point. They were actually telling me when I was having a contraction because I could no longer feel them! Then again, I could no longer feel anything from my abdomen down either.
My Doctor came in and broke my water, since that had yet to happen. It was then determined that Joshua was "sunny-side up" - he was facing up instead of down, which explained why I had felt my contractions in my back instead of my abdomen. They said that unless we could get him to turn, the pushing stage might be longer. The nurse turned me onto my left side for about 45 minutes in an attempt to encourage Joshua to roll over. If he did, I didn't feel it, but it finally came time to push.
Like I said before, I had to have them tell me when I was having a contraction. I also watched the monitor so I would know when to push. I had Brian and my mother in the delivery room with me. Each time I pushed, I heard them holding their breath, and when I'd release, I'd hear them do the same. After awhile it became humorous to me, and I just started laughing. My sister, who was sitting outside the door listening, couldn't figure out why I'd be laughing in the middle of delivery. Seriously, all I have to say is, epidurals are a gift from God!
I pushed for about an hour and a half total. My Doctor came in and said if I couldn't get him out in the next few pushes, he was going to use the vacuum thingamajig to assist. I nearly popped a vein pushing so hard, but within the next few pushes, I felt Joshua slide out and saw the Doctor hold him up. At that point, everything became a blur. I heard him crying, and then I started to cry too. But I didn't cry as much as I thought I would - I was in such awe.
Our beautiful baby boy was born at 3:12 PM on June 18, 2007 - right on schedule! He was 7 lbs 8 oz, 20 in.
So, FF to October 2009. I had gotten the Mirena in June the year before, and HATED it, so decided to have it taken out a couple days before Halloween. The nurse warned me that I would be fertile immediately, so gave me an Rx for bc pills - big mistake! I never take those effectively! Brian and I DTD a few times the first week in November - not even a week after getting my IUD out. And then one day, a couple weeks later, I was sitting on the couch eating and had a fleeting urge to vomit. I remembered that feeling and thought "Nooooooooooo... no way..." I bought another pregnancy test and couldn't tell if I saw a line or not. I texted pictures to my sister and a couple of friends and they all swore they saw SOMETHING but it was extremely faint! I made an impromptu appointment with my Dr's office the next day to get a blood test. They said it would take about 24 hours for them to get back to me.
I was freaking out! We didn't need another baby, we couldn't afford another baby! But... lo and behold, the next day, they called and told me - yup, you're pregnant! Brian freaked out a little when I told him... for the same reasons I did. It took him about a week to accept the idea of another baby. And then he just hoped and prayed for that little girl.
We found out on March 3 - the tech told us she was certain the baby was a girl. I started crying (out of happiness), and Brian just sat there smiling. I could tell he was doing cartwheels inside lol Then we went into the exam room and the Dr told us they had found two choroid plexus cysts on the baby's brain - good feelings were gone, and I started panicking. He said it was usually nothing to worry about, but wanted another more detailed ultrasound to be sure. Well, that ultrasound would have cost us $1200 out of pocket, because we were in between switching insurances, and wouldn't be covered for another 2 months. So we had to wait 2 months to get this ultrasound, and there were days I would sit and cry because, yeah, it was probably nothing, but I had that worry!
We finally got the ultrasound, and of course, everything was fine. Such a relief! I'll tell you though, that was just one of several things that wore on me throughout this pregnancy. I knew from the beginning this baby was a girl because I was just affected so differently than I had been with Josh. I was sicker... more tired... more clumsy and forgetful... more bloated... I just knew!
Leila was due July 31, 2010. Well... July 31 came and went. And I was so anxious and impatient! Josh had come ON his due date! I had a little procrastinator on my hands!
On August 1, I went to my parents' house to go swimming. I decided to push myself a little harder than usual, thinking a little workout may help get things going. Well, within 45 minutes of getting out, I felt that all too familiar soreness in my lower back. If I could have done a backflip at that time, I would have! lol I texted Brian to get my bag and come get me. But I needed to shower and dry my hair first haha
So my first contractions were around 2:45 PM. I got to the hospital around 4:30, and little Leila was born at 7:54 PM. I say little, she was over a pound bigger than her brother was - 8lbs 11oz, 21 inches long!
I know her part was a lot shorter, but I'm extremely tired right now, and I know I've posted her birth story before, so I'll look for it, and try to add a little tomorrow. But it's past my bedtime right now!
Thanks for reading, I know I write a lot, but once I get going, I have a lot to say!
Keeping the November 2008 PR in my Prayers 
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