[Vincent'sMommy]

I guess this post is kind of pointless but I just feel like I have to get it all out. And I know I posted about this a lot when the babies were younger so I'm sorry for bringing it up again.

I don't know what it is but lately I've been very sad about not being able to breastfeed and it's almost been a year since I gave up because it was just not working. I don't really know why all of a sudden it bothers me so much - I guess maybe just because it was this time last year that I was still trying to BF and I keep thinking "If I could do it all over..."

But I can't do it all over and it's something I'll never get back. I see or hear about people nursing their older babies and their toddlers and I so badly want to know what it's like and I wish I could have given Vincent the best, too. I really feel like I never nursed at all, not even that first month. I don't think it's guilt that I'm feeling anymore as much as it is just sadness, like I missed out on something really important, something that I always assumed would be a part of who I would be as a mother.

Maybe it bothers me so much because I know realistically I will never be able to EBF a baby without pumping and I just have a gut feeling that no matter how much I try to BF with the next baby (and I'm gonna try so hard) that it won't work out again. The plan is that I'll be teaching by that time and I know I won't have a ton of time off before I'll have to go back to work and I'm really worried that will affect whether or not I'm able to BF and I am already stressing about having to figure out how to pump at work (if I even get that far). I know I'm crazy for thinking about this when it won't be for another 4 years at least, but I can't help it. I feel like this will always linger with me.

Thanks for listening

[AmandaEliz]

You did give Vincent the best.... lots & lots of love. BFing is great, but not if it gives Mom & baby that much stress. Yes, bonding, blah, blah blah, but it can also be painful. I stressed over my supply so much with Ethan; oatmeal & fenugreek & every other wives tale about supply. It's so important that you enjoy every moment with your tiny baby, don't let sadness take away from that.

Every baby is totall different. Your next baby might latch like a champ. You might produce gallons of milk pumping... you just never know. Don't be sad over something that hasn't happened yet. Anyway, just my 2 cents.

Originally Posted by AmandaEliz

You did give Vincent the best.... lots & lots of love. BFing is great, but not if it gives Mom & baby that much stress. Yes, bonding, blah, blah blah, but it can also be painful. I stressed over my supply so much with Ethan; oatmeal & fenugreek & every other wives tale about supply. It's so important that you enjoy every moment with your tiny baby, don't let sadness take away from that.

Every baby is totall different. Your next baby might latch like a champ. You might produce gallons of milk pumping... you just never know. Don't be sad over something that hasn't happened yet. Anyway, just my 2 cents.

Also, I think sometimes when we really want something and don't get it we go through a mourning period. I know that with Grace I mourned the loss of the delivery that you always hear about. Sounds like you're just mourning the loss of being able to BF. But I agree 100% with what Mandy said.

[Daffodil]

You know, after I started EPing, I sort of forgot about breastfeeding...I mean, I wished I could do it instead of the annoying pumping but it was still WAY better then trying and trying and trying and failing and failing and failing at breastfeeding. And then when I switched to formula it was like, hallelujah, I have time to finally be a mother!

But just recently, with all of Arie's issues with her vaccinations and teething and I think cow's milk intolerance, I just thought, I REALLY wish I could breastfeed her. I think it would just be so soothing (not to mention no cow's milk issue,I at least at the moment) and comforting for her. It almost seems sweeter to me to nurse a baby this age (although I know they twist your nipples and other ouchie things) then a wobbly newborn.

Anyway, I think you have a good chance at nursing your next baby. I've heard that usually your milk production goes up with each subsequent pregnancy.

I think a lot of breastfeeding moms also pump...don't let that discourage you from trying to breastfeed next time.

I was putting more stuff away from the move today and I found a box with a ton of breastfeeding and pumping "gear"...including a "latch assist", designed to draw out the nipple so the baby could latch on. It was kinda bittersweet remember how **** hard I tried to breastfeed her. I know I did my best, but it just didn't happen, and she is healthy (even though not feeling so well at the moment) and thriving and that's something I'm so grateful for.

[preciousgiftsmama]

You are a wonderful mom Concentrate on all the positive things you do for your precious boy instead of feeling sad about what didnt work out the way you wanted.

I understand though, as I was bound and determined to breastfeed Julia since it hadnt worked out with the twins. I EBF for the first 4 weeks, even though she wouldnt latch right, wasnt gaining weight, and we were both miserable with it. It was something I felt so strongly about though and wanted so badly to do for her. Finally I had to give in and stop breastfeeding and start pumping...day and night 24/7 I pumped, for 5 months. As soon as I pumped and she took bottles then she put on weight and all was fine. I knew she was thriving that way but I still felt bad, and then when I dried up and had to put her on formula then I really felt bad. Six years later I know she turned out just fine, we both did Who knows, next time you might be breastfeeding until toddlerhood!

[Jule'sMomInOR]

Michele, there are TONS of moms who don't get BF figured out the first time but are champs at it the second. Go over to the BF board some time and ask about it. I don't think you should assume that you won't get it - take the attitude that you WILL get it no matter what! Go to LLL meetings when you are pregnant, set up appointments with lactation consultants, read books, etc. I have no doubt that you can get it!

As for guilt, there's no reason to waste time with guilt. You are an incredible mom and the fact that you're so bothered by this just reiterates that you want the best for Vincent. No one can be perfect and it's just not productive to dwell on our imperfections.

[Vincent'sMommy]

Thank you guys so much. You all are right on.

Mandy - I know I did the best I could and I'm almost sure that if I kept on trying I would have ended up with PPD and even though I was sad about quitting it did help relieve some stress overall especially with all his other small issues as a newborn.

Heather - For sure, it feels like a loss to me, so I think I understand about not getting the birth you hoped for. Do you ever think about trying for a VBAC someday?

Seema - I agree, it seems sweeter to nurse a baby this age than a newborn to me too. And I think you did such an awesome job with Arie trying so hard and then pumping for so long. I know not a lot of people would do that. I won't let pumping discourage me but I just forsee it as being another big stressor, but even if I am able to pump what I need next time it will be such a huge improvement.

Tyla - I'm so glad you finally had an easier time BF with Ty after the twins and Julia. I really hope that next time is easier and I can nurse until he (or she) is at least 1 or 2.

Mariah - I'm definitely planning on doing all those things next time. I already have a list of things going that I want to do differently next time during pregnancy and birth and hopefully to have a better BF experience.I'm going to prepare as much as I can and have a much better support network in place. I think a lot of our problems were because I didn't have the support I needed last time and couldn't or didn't know how to get it.

[Wifenmomalwys]

Originally Posted by AmandaEliz

You did give Vincent the best.... lots & lots of love. BFing is great, but not if it gives Mom & baby that much stress. Yes, bonding, blah, blah blah, but it can also be painful. I stressed over my supply so much with Ethan; oatmeal & fenugreek & every other wives tale about supply. It's so important that you enjoy every moment with your tiny baby, don't let sadness take away from that.

Every baby is totall different. Your next baby might latch like a champ. You might produce gallons of milk pumping... you just never know. Don't be sad over something that hasn't happened yet. Anyway, just my 2 cents.

With my first, I couldn't ever get him to latch on correctly. I suffered a month through blood, blisters, and mastitis before I decided I just couldn't do it anymore. When I put him on formula, things were much better.
I was leaning back and forth with C whether I should try again. I didn't want to endure that pain again. But I did. I BF for a year while supplemting. My body doesn't produce a lot of milk. I even had the help of medication, which increased it tremendously, but still not enough to do it exclusively.
With Kaylee, I could only do it 6 months. I was super stressed with other things and she was getting the stress from me and I didn't want that. I miss it sooo much and will not be able to ever get it back or do it again unless I get a tubal reversal.

But just give it another try with your next. Things could go so much smoother.

Im glad you posted this because I have lots of sadness over things that I didnt do, or couldnt do like my birth.

I honestly think that your next child you will do a lot better just because you are even more determined now.

I was just talking to my neighbor today about being sad about certain things, mainly because I got a new "baby talk" magazine and the main story was about breastfeeding. To be honest, I am perfectly happy with formula feeding my girls. I have absolutely no regret. The reason why is because formula was best for both of them and although I've never told anyone about why I couldnt bf Kaitlyn (maybe I have) or why I choose not to bf Kaileigh. Maybe some day I will want to share my reason but not right now. I do however have very strong feelings about making it a priority for baby # 3 to be bf. I know that may sounds weird but I have truly learned a lot over the last 6 months and it's a goal of mine now. Along with fully cloth diapering.


I know some people choose to bf because "It's better" or "it makes them smarter" "no sickness" "creates more of a bond" but over time I have realized each baby is different no matter what they have, whether it's bm or formula or both. I think choosing to bf is a personal decision and regardless of what people say, you can still have a very smart, attached(bonded), and healthy baby from using formula. Vincent will love you no matter what, I promise

Sorry that got long, but I want you to know you did what was right and you did all you could. The next time may be easy for you. You never know

[nevergivingup]

Aww Michele Big Don't feel guilty, you are a great mom to Vincent! Like others said you did your best for him, he is healthy and happy and that's what matters. You most likely will be successful with bfing with your next baby because you are so determined. I couldn't bf my 1st son. I was only 17 and thought I was starving him because he was hungry all the time, so I did what was the best I could and gave him formula, and he is a great boy! When I am feeding Aidyen, Raven asks me why I didn't bf him for more than a month, and wanted to know if I loved Aidyen more because I bf him! I had to explain to him that it has nothing to do with that, and that I just wasn't able to. What I'm trying to say is that you are doing great momma!!