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My Brother and SIL have been TTC for over a year now, and then I got pregnant on accident. I am close to my Brother. We are even neighbors. I just never know what to say, or how much to share about my pregnancy or baby plans. I know they love me and are happy for me, but they have hardly acknowledged that I am pregnant, and we pretty much talk about anything but baby stuff. I don't want to obviously avoid the topic because that could be rude too. We get together at my parents almost every Sunday, and we never talk about the baby, or my pregnancy. I wish everyone could be totally excited for me, but we are all walking on eggshells I guess. I want so badly for them to have a baby. My Children need cousins. Now I am just rambling, and not sure what my point is. I wish everyone (in my family) could talk about my pregnancy, and be excited about Tessa's arrival, but I also understand why they can't be, and don't want to cause anyone pain. Anyone been in this boat?
That would be hard, so sorry that you can't be as open and excited about it as you might like to be around them!
My situation is completely opposite! We got married, they got married, we had one baby, they had one baby, we announced we were pregnant, they announced they were pregnant (after swearing black and blue they only ever wanted one!)
I hope you can feel more comfortable or that they conceive and you can share it x x
I would talk to them about it and see what their thoughts are. I am like Happy Song-I've been on both sides of the issue. DH and I were TTC for years, got pregnant (yay) not too long after my sister had her baby (she was TTC for years also) but then we miscarried. We then tried for years, while she was trying again (and she had miscarriages, as did we). She finally got pg 2 years or so ago, while we kept on plodding along with nothing to show for it. It was hard but I tried really hard to be happy for her, knowing how much she wanted it and how much she had gone through to get pregnant again (she ended up having to go the IVF route).
I did talk to her about my feelings about it and she with me and we were able to see where the other person was coming from, if that makes sense.
We tried for 5 years to get pregnant with my daughter. Had a m/c about 3 years into it. It was the hardest 5 years of my life. I know this will sound bad but I hated anyone that was pregnant. I judged them heavily on why I felt that they shouldn't be having children. (Money, relationship, etc) I couldn't be happy on the outside for anyone... even though I really was. Yes it was jealously and even though I knew it at the time I still couldn't get past it. I never asked anyone about their pregnancy. Got annoyed when people would go on and on about it whining and complaining. It was all I ever wanted and could not have. For me, and it sounds like your family, it was best to just not talk about it. After people had their babies I was better. But during their pregnancy for some reason it stung more. You really can't force them to talk about your pregnancy. If you try it will just make things more uncomfortable.
Fast forward 5 years and I got pregnant on my own this time. A surprise baby. So I guess now I am the person that I was jealous of for all of that time.
I'm sure they are happy for you. It's just really hard for them to show it right now.
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I've been on their side. It took us over 2 years to get pregnant. I work in an elem. school with a staff of all under 35. We have at least 5 pregnancies a year. It was very hard to hear about pregnancies at certain points, but you still are happy for them. I'm sure your brother and SIL are thrilled for you, but they have some mixed emotions to sort through. It's tough, my best friend got pregnant during my infertility issues as well as my neighbor who I am very close with and my sister in law. I would congratulate them all, buy them a baby gift, and then go home to my room and cry. Looking back (and it's easier to do this now that hubs and I are pregnant) I am ashamed that I wasn't 100 percent thrilled at all times for all those people, but at the end of the day, you really can't control how you feel.
I know that they are happy for you, they may just have a hard time balancing their feelings. They will come around, especially when that baby is here Just try to be understanding. They have really only been TTC the normal allotted "year" so I'm sure she will be pregnant in no time and that elephant in the room will be eliminated
As far as talking about it with your SIL, if you have a really good relationship with her and she seems ok to talk about it, you can try to sort some feelings out that way. I would just be very careful. I would talk about the infertility stuff if someone asked me, but I really hated talking about it and didn't want to appear rude or unappreciative of their counsel. The words, "It will happen when it happens" was enough to make me vomit on the spot
Last edited by J9+J+C=Complete; July 27th, 2010 at 06:26 AM.
Don't mistake their lack of talking about it for lack of happiness for you, but it may just be really hard for them to discuss it(understandably so). We were really close with our neighbors and honestly, we dreaded teling them we were pregnant with our first because I knew it would be hard on them-they've suffered infertility for 10+ years. She cried when I told her-then she apologized for crying. I told her there was no reason to apologize-yes she was/is happy for us, but it still hurts that they are unable to have a baby of their own. SIL/BIL have also been able to have a baby, but we don't see them as often.
I know after my aunt's baby was stillborn, it took her a long time before she could be around a newborn with having all kinds of anxiety about it. Over time it became easier for her
As much as it is disappointing not to be able to talk about your pregnancy as much as you'd like, I'm pretty sure it doesn't even come close to the heartache they are experiencing.
I am sorry there isn't the new baby excitement happening for you. It really isn't fair to you
I just wanted to add there is a chance she has been going through miscarriages this year and never announced the pregnancies to anyone. Her battle may be harder than it looks on the outside
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I was in a similar situation but not for long luckily. We got pregnant in december without even trying. MY SIL had just had her second miscarriage in a year the previous month and was heartbroken. They have a 4 year old daughter but wanted more kids desperately. So we get pregnant quickly and I didn't even want to tell them knowing it would hurt them but we told them at around 8 weeks or so and they couldn't have acted happier for us. My SIL even came up to visit not long after that and was able to talk openly of her losses and her happiness for us. But I know inside it was hurting her. Well luckily in March they got pregnant and she is now 19 weeks and going strong so we are all very happy.
I can understand people being hurt and jealous on the inside when going through that situation, that is human. BUT family should at least be able to talk about your baby and share in your happiness regardless of their personal situation. It's part of being an adult and being supportive of your family. My two cents.
I've been in a similar but different boat. My late fiance died four months before our wedding day. After about a year, everyone else started getting married -- I'm not joking when I tell you that I went to ELEVEN weddings in just over a year! Some of weddings were for close family members and I was expected to attend. For the girl who got "cheated" out of a wedding, these were hard to accept.
The hardest one to go to was my dad's, as he was getting married for the second time. It was painful for me to watch that happen -- here he was getting married for the second time and I hadn't even been married once. I was so sick of people telling me "oh, your time will come" and "it will happen" -- I wanted to just punch them. However, I sucked it up, smiled, and did my best to be polite.
It's so incredibly difficult to be happy for someone when they have what you so desperately want. However, I never let my disappointment and jealousy impact the other person. It wasn't their fault that Jeff had died and I couldn't take it out on them. Even though I might be dying on the inside, I tried to be happy for them. I never expected them to NOT talk about their wedding stuff.
I don't think you need to avoid discussing your baby -- just be sensitive to their situation. Maybe you could talk to them (or at least one of them) and find out their feelings on the subject. I know for me, I'd rather talk about it with the person than to have it always be the "elephant in the room".
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Last edited by mrsdaiwa24; July 27th, 2010 at 08:03 AM.
you know at first i was not going to respond b/c i thought i had not been in this type of situation before. But as i read everyone's posts i thought to myself that i really have just in a totally different way. My SIL has two kids now. Each time she was pregnant with one I was angry. I was not even trying to conceive. I wanted to have kids though and I guess i felt jealous she had the guts and so I never even really wanted to be part of the pregnancy stuff and tried to ignore it as much as possible. So in the end I think it is hard for people when they are feeling jealous for whatever reason to be able to enjoy something along with you.
I am very sorry…this is not an easy situation to be in. I think you brother in law and his wife are being quite unfair towards you guys. Having a baby is a big deal is one’s life and people around should be sharing this happiness. Hugs…
Thanks for all your insight. At the end of the day... My family ignoring my pregnancy is a lot less painful for me then what my Bro and SIL are going through. I am pretty sure things will be different when the baby is here. Reading your posts made me realize I was being kind of selfish for wanting more attention. It is not like it is my first pregnancy.
I'm just going to keep praying for them.
It took DH and I 3 years to conceive Finn. I cried a lot, but I was never angry or mad at anybody who was pregnant or had children.
My work let's the kids at the daycare come up in the costumes on Halloween. And I would BAWL every year because I wanted a baby and they were so dang cute!
I feel bad for my SIL now. She's not married, no prospects, no children and I know she wants a baby badly like I did. So I worried over telling her we were expecting a 2nd time (and so soon after the first!) -- But I just talked it over with my MIL.
She said Anj would rather have a niece or nephew in the family than no babies at all. Perhaps you could ask SIL's mother about how she's feeling about it.