[chelmer]

Ok, so I had a very eventful Thursday at work, something that really hit me emotionally too. I wanted to share with you girls and I guess sorta vent.

Alright, I work at a Surgeon's office and bascially run it along side of the office manager. We are the only two that work in the office. Anywho, I think she is probably is her late 40's or so and has 2 kids who just turned 16 and 17 this year. I need to go into her personality a little bit and say that she is VERRRRY religious. I think her religion is Baptist... All she listens to is Christian talk radio, she goes to church every single night for different activties, and is always praying even before snacks. She is the type of mom that is "up her kids butts" but in a good way, she makes sure they are busy and out of trouble, she has them volunteer several different places, they go to centers during the summer that are focused on doing good things with motivational speakers and all that, basically she is very involved in her kids lives and as teenagers that is a good thing to do so that they stay out of trouble. As far as I know about her husband, he is a very strict father on his kids, doesn't really go to church with the family, and drinks a glass on wine here and there which the lady I work with wishes he wouldn't do, but they seem to be a very good family, and love eachother very much. (Trust me all this info is getting to a point, lol.) Well lately the lady I work with has told me that she has been having trouble with her 17 year old daughter, and I figured it was just basic teenager stuff. She seemed very beside herself which is not normal earlier this week.

Anyways, the lady calls me Thurs. AM and tells me that she is at the DR. with her 17 year old daughter and she is going to be running late and asked if I could please go in early. Of course I agree. About 20 mins after I get there she calls our office and says "I am still running late, I just found out earlier this week my daughter is having sex so I took her to the DR. for a check up and now I am finding out she is pg and they want to do an ultrasound to see how far along she is". I can tell by her voice she is fighting tears, as you can imagine as a VERY VERY religious mother that always is involved in her kids lives, the shock she must have felt finding out her daughter was having premarital sex and is now pg. I told her to be strong and I was thinking about her and she said "I'm trying, I just know her father is going to be so upset, he was already very very upset about finding out she was having sex, and now this." At this point I am getting very emotional, thoughts are running through my head like "***! Why can't I have a baby but a 17 year old who does not want a baby right now gets pg so easily, this family is upset about this bundle of joy and my family would be beyond happy! WHY?!". But at the same time, this isn't really about me so I hold it back. So I hang up with her and about an hour later she calls back and says "I'll be on my way, I'm going to stop by the store and get something to eat". I say ok. Then about 20 mins later she calls back and says "I'm not gonna be coming in at all". I understood. She then asked me if the Dr. we work for was availble to talk (we are a pretty close office and talk to eachother during hard times). I tell her that the Dr. is in with a patient and I will leave him a note to call her when he gets out. Well after a while when our Dr. came to the front I asked him if he had called her. He said "Yes, did you hear the news?, I said yes. Then he proceeds to say "I just don't like how they are handeling it"..well she didnt tell me how they were handling it so of course I say" Well, what do you mean?" and he kinda hesitantly sat there for a moment and said "Let's just say it makes me very sad". So right then and there I knew it had to mean she was having an abortion. I couldn't believe it for many reasons. The first one being my beliefs on it being absolutley wrong, and I don't want to hear about a baby dying on purpose when mine passed away by chance. Another being that the lady I work with feels STRONGLY the same thing I do, being very religious and her religion saying its always wrong. This was just so out of character for her I almost couldnt believe it.

So, at the end of the day I got more of a chance to talk to our Dr. He gave me more details in telling me that it is her husband that is insisting on the abortion (remember, he is not nearly as religious as she is, I keep reiterating on the religious part because she SERIOUSLY is the most religious person I've ever met). The Dr. said he tried to help, he asked her if she wanted him to come over and talk about it with her husband and family...and she said "No, it's not open for discussion" while in tears. I wish there was another way, but the way he made it sound, her husband wears the pants in the family and what he said goes. Our Dr. made a point in saying that if they didn't do what he wanted it would jepordize their entire family relationship. I don't know if he can legally make her get an abortion, but they definitley could pressure her enough to feel like she needs to. And I haven't talked to the daughter so who knows how she feels. All I have to say is if I was in her position and my husband said my daughter had to abort her child I would be like "Ok then.." and take my daughter and say "See ya in 9 months!". But that is just me I dont know how other people are. She also told our Dr. that he is saying adoption is not an option, which I think is because they would be embarrassed for people to see their daughter growing with child. To me, adoption is the most selfless thing you can ever do. Giving life to a child and giving it to someone who longs to love it is such a unselfish thing to do. But apparently, not an option here. I'm thinking maybe they will change their minds, but then I thought "Why did she say she was coming in and change her mind, did she bring the daughter to get the abortion right then?". I don't know how quickly you can jump into abortion or if you need an appt. I don't work on Fridays so I really wont know the outcome till Monday, that is, if she tells me.

I know that if they go through with this it is gonna be on the daughter's conscience for a long time, and the lady I work with as well, becuase it is just soooooo out of character and so against what she really believes in. Of course, TTC and having a loss I was hurting inside that this would be a joyous time for me but is such a sad time for them, and why babies are given to people who dont want them/arent ready and the ones that do want them cant have them sometimes. Not to mention the fact that I am dying to have a baby and they are planning on killing one. I didn't mean to make this about me as it TOTALLY wasn't, but I couldn't help that my heart was hurting.

[dng]

I am right there with you. I am concerned that the 17 y/o will not feel like she has a choice and will end up regretting it and resenting her family. As someone who has been looking into adoption, it makes me sad that it is not an option for them.

UGH..that is just horrible! I hope she hasn't already had the abortion and that the family still has time to reconsider. My best friend has had a few abortions But the one that irks me the most is the one she had in December 2006....it was twins.....she already had a daughter and said she "could'nt handle 2" so she had an abortion at 10 weeks....At the time I "understood" her circumstances, but when I LOST my twin boys, it brought back my negative feelings about what she did She was BLESSED enough to be given those children, and she didn't want them....was angers me even more is that she had ANOTHER baby in September 2007, he was a preemie, but perfect nonetheless.....I just don't get it!!!

Ugh, sorry I didn't mean to highjack your thread, but I could just SO RELATE to you!!! I'm sorry!

[chelmer]

I am right there with you. I am concerned that the 17 y/o will not feel like she has a choice and will end up regretting it and resenting her family. As someone who has been looking into adoption, it makes me sad that it is not an option for them.[/b]

I couldn't agree more, I can't imagine living with pain she may have to go through later on. And I know the lady I work with will suffer from that too if she does not take a stand, I am almost certain. I'm sad they will not consider adoption also, like I said giving a child a chance to an amazing family who will love them very much and support them when you know you cant is an extrememly awesome thing. Although I am hoping for a few of my own, DH and I also dream of adopting a child as well. And I wish you good luck as you look into the adoption process!

UGH..that is just horrible! I hope she hasn't already had the abortion and that the family still has time to reconsider. My best friend has had a few abortions But the one that irks me the most is the one she had in December 2006....it was twins.....she already had a daughter and said she "could'nt handle 2" so she had an abortion at 10 weeks....At the time I "understood" her circumstances, but when I LOST my twin boys, it brought back my negative feelings about what she did She was BLESSED enough to be given those children, and she didn't want them....was angers me even more is that she had ANOTHER baby in September 2007, he was a preemie, but perfect nonetheless.....I just don't get it!!!

Ugh, sorry I didn't mean to highjack your thread, but I could just SO RELATE to you!!! I'm sorry![/b]

You didn't highjack the thread at all, I apprecitate being able to hear your story on why you relate! That must have been very hard on you knowing that you would have been so incredibly happy to have your boys and she chose to end her pregnancy. I can't even imagine. But I am not one to judge and would never discount a person because of their personal choices, and it seems like since it is your best friend still you feel the same way, and thats good. I guess I have just always felt like abortion was a way of saying "If I can't have this baby, no one can", and it saddens me a bit cause there are so many people out there who would love to love that baby! And I can totally feel you on being angry that she got pregnant again! I feel so bad, but to be honest it sometimes tests my faith.
I, too, hope that they didn't go through with that and have time to reconsider. I will let you guys know what she says on Monday, I don't know if she would tell me if they abort it, but then again she may to avoid me asking questions like "how's the baby doing".


I have a feeling that they saw the heartbeat of the baby that day when they had the ultrasound to see how far along she was. I say this because having been pg b4, I know the first thing they ask you is the date of your last period. I'm assuming when they asked her she probably said she hadn't had one in a couple of months, because if she would have said "oh, I had one last month" then they wouldn't do an ultrasound cause they would assume it wasn't far enough along to see anything. You start to be able to see the heartbeat around 5 wks, right? So if she and her mom saw that, you know they are going to remember seeing that little beating heart and that has to make this even more difficult. So sad.

[Hopingfor1soon]

That just makes me sad and sick...that is all I have to say!

[sethsgirl]

And I feel bad in a way for the daughter because like dng said she'll regret it and resent her family for it.

[LaLaRose3]

Just trying to think as positively as possible right now- but MAYBE this is what the daughter really wants, but the mother would not forfeit her religious stance on the matter, so the daughter had her father convince the mom? Just a thought.

[snsgirl336]

What a sad situation! I can't imagine how hard that must be for everyone involved, including you as a friend. I hope that they really think things through carefully and whatever they decide they can find peace with at some point (though I'm not sure that will ever happen for them). It's so nice of you to be so concerned and such a good and supportive friend to them. I'm sure they'll need all the support they can get!

[chelmer]

Just trying to think as positively as possible right now- but MAYBE this is what the daughter really wants, but the mother would not forfeit her religious stance on the matter, so the daughter had her father convince the mom? Just a thought.[/b]

Thats definitley not impossible. Perhaps it happend that way, or perhaps even the father suggested the abortion and the daughter was thinking she wanted to take that route anyway....which if I am not mistaken, you do not have to have parental consent for an abortion, and so in the same way it would seem no one can make you have one either. I just figured it was all the father's decision because it seems like he is a very stern man who is strict on his kids, and just by the way the mother told me on the phone that "her father is just gonna be so upset I dont know what he's gonna do"...It almost sounded like she may have known what he was gonna say. I think the daughter is like daddy's little girl, and I'm sure he is heartbroken. My sister got pg at 17 too, and in my family abortion is NOT an option. My mom was reeeeally upset at first, and, though she may or may not admit it now, was embarassed that her young daughter was pg in high school, which doesnt make her a bad person, shes only human. But eventually my mom became really excited and made peace with it. My sister turned out to be an excellent mother and her daughter is now 10 years old and doing great. So, if they haven't already gone through with it maybe it will go the same way as my family did and just make peace with it, and that 17 year old could make a very great mother if she wanted to. If not, adoption is available. But I guess we shall see what she says on Monday!

[chelmer]

What a sad situation! I can't imagine how hard that must be for everyone involved, including you as a friend. I hope that they really think things through carefully and whatever they decide they can find peace with at some point (though I'm not sure that will ever happen for them). It's so nice of you to be so concerned and such a good and supportive friend to them. I'm sure they'll need all the support they can get![/b]

I'm trying super hard to be as supportive to them as possible, I can't imagine what they are feeling. I know there are so many parents out there, dads especially, that hope and pray something like this will not happen to their "little girls". I'm sure they play that "what if" scenario in their head, but never really think it'll happen. And I think it's the same way with abortion with some people...they may be so against it but then they find themselves with a pg teenager and they sing a different tune because they are faced with the situation. I'm just gonna continue extending my support, and definitley will NOT judge them on whatever they choose! All I can do is HOPE they will let that baby live.

[~*Jackie*~]

Wow- quite the emotional day today! I feel bad for the daughter too, if this is NOT what she wants... and for her Mom because we know how she'd feel about it.. What a tough situation!

[Ash]

So sad....I can't say anymore because I am sure a lot of people would get upset by some of the things I would say.

[Make.A.Wish]

I'll be thinking of her and her family. I hope they make the right choice in the end...

[Justjeni]

I hope that he Mom listens to the daughter and gives the daughter more than one choice. What a sad sad situation. KUP!

[hearts.0nfire]

That breaks my heart. I hope that in the end the daughter will be able to make the decision that she can best live with. Even though I haven't been pg yet I understand completely how you feel. I guess i'm most suprised with the fact that the mom didn't stand up more to not allow the abortion. Regardless my thoughts and prayers are going out to that family.

[Celry]

That poor girl. I can't imagine her having a strong relationship with her parents after this. I think she's going to have some rough times ahead if she doesn't completely agree with their solution. Since this all happened in a day, I don't think they've given her time to decide for herself.

[Rachel Katsouros]

Reading this story breaks my heart...I have sort of a similar situation. My DH sister has four children. She is 33. She has also had "multiple" abortions in her lifetime. I don't know how many "multiple" was. I think starting from when she was a teenager. I don't know the details of it all. I got my info from DH. His sister was one of those people that used abortions as birth control. I think that the only reason she has the four children that she has now is because doctors told her she "couldn't" have any more abortions. OMG! How many do you have to have to reach your limit. That only leads me to believe she had alot!!! *sigh* Now that we have going through the process of TTC for almost a year, I think about his sister often. I know that I am just repeating what so many of you have already said. It's just not fair Why are the people that do not want children blessed with them and those of us that want so desperately to have children have a hard time. Oh... it just makes me so sad. I can't make sense of it all.