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  #1  
October 8th, 2008, 12:47 PM
STL_Beth's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Ok, so my bday is on nov 1 and I want to go to PF Changs (quite possibly the best restaurant ever) for dinner to celebrate. I'll be going with my DH and inviting my parents, brother, and his gf (she's practically part of the family). My DH asked if I would be inviting his mom, my MIL and I said no. He asked why not and that she should be part of the family now that we are married. My reasoning is just because she may be related to me now does not make her part of my family. She has done nothing but treat me like crap and I don't feel like sharing a special day with her.

A little back story - DH and I have been together for 6 years, married for 2 of those years. His dad has never been around and he has no siblings, so it was just him and his mom. She feels like I took her baby away and we just don't get along. She has also been diagnosed with bipolar, schezphrenia (sp?) and early signs of dementia, and a lot of crazy things has happened the last couple of years including my husband having to get guardianship of his mom. She is now in a senior apartment complex for low income families.

Anyway - my question is "Do I have a right to say this is my birthday and I can do what I want or am I supposed to be nice and invite her anyway?"
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  #2  
October 8th, 2008, 12:58 PM
Brenda04's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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This is a very rough situation, but I would say that for the sake of your marriage it would be best to just be polite and invite her, I've had to do many things with my in-laws just for the sake of my marriage, and the same thing goes for DH I'm sure he does not like my mom 100% but she is my mom and he has to put up with her the same way I have to put up with his mother
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  #3  
October 8th, 2008, 01:09 PM
alicenwonderland's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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ugh... yeah rough situation. I love my MIL so i can't relate. Maybe you can ask your DH if he would be ok with having a separate "b-day lunch" with her. That way you can enjoy your day. At the same time, it might be easier to just invite her. It's my experience that weird people are less weird when they are in a crowd. Maybe she'll just fade into the woodwork and enjoy just "being". Sorry... that probably didn't help...
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  #4  
October 8th, 2008, 01:29 PM
STL_Beth's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
ugh... yeah rough situation. I love my MIL so i can't relate. Maybe you can ask your DH if he would be ok with having a separate "b-day lunch" with her. That way you can enjoy your day. At the same time, it might be easier to just invite her. It's my experience that weird people are less weird when they are in a crowd. Maybe she'll just fade into the woodwork and enjoy just "being". Sorry... that probably didn't help...[/b]
HAHA...she does not just fade into the woodwork, in fact, I think she is worse when she is in public or in a crowd. I don't think my DH really expects me to invite her, he's just afraid that she might find out which would make her hate me more, which is sad but I don't really care about that. I don't mean to sound like a total ******, but she is very mentally unstable and we have just never gotten along - I've done lots of nice things for her, but most of the time when we are around her, she just complains and drags everyone down. I don't think I'm going to invite her, and if she has a problem with it, she can take it up with me. It's not like I'm waiting for a birthday or christmas gift....she has never given us one of those, in fact, we didn't even get a wedding gift from her.
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  #5  
October 8th, 2008, 01:31 PM
ZaydensMomma's Avatar Aaron Nicole
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It's your choice.
I can't help you in the MIL dept because I LOVE my MIL.

Good luck!!
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  #6  
October 8th, 2008, 01:37 PM
Em2528's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Im sorry you have this relationship with your MIL, again, like some of the other girls, I cant relate because I LOVE my MIL, but I think the desicion is ultimatly up to you...maybe you can do what one of the other girls said and just have a seperate lunch with her one day or something so that you can celebrate your bday at PF Changs with YOUR family. Hope everything works out!
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  #7  
October 8th, 2008, 02:00 PM
hearts.0nfire's Avatar STPR lover
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I agree with Alice that a birthday lunch would be a good idea. You could always explain that you wanted to do this with your side of the family. I understand that sometimes its better to just to invite them, but if you really don't feel comfortable with it then you shouldn't have to.
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  #8  
October 8th, 2008, 02:05 PM
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She doesn't have to know you are even going out with your family, right? I say maybe you and DH invite her to a lunch one day and have dinner with your family as planned.
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  #9  
October 8th, 2008, 03:15 PM
Buttercups's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Sorry about your situation! If I could not cheerfully invite her to PF Chang's because I wanted to, I wouldn't invite her. Doing things out of guilt an obligation may seem like a quick fix, but it's really just making things worse because you aren't being honest with yourself or anyone else.

As far as making her or anyone "feel bad" because you didn't invite her...that's crap. You can't MAKE anyone feel anything. That is their choice.

Bottom line, I would do some soul-searching and determine if it's possible to peacefully ignore the friction you have with this woman and include her in the festivities because you truly want to. Obviously that's the best-case scenario, but if it isn't possible don't invite her and don't feel guilty about it! You didn't do anything wrong.

And if it makes you feel selfish, consider this: you are enabling everyone else at the party to have a pleasant, drama-free evening. You are also practicing boundary creation (I just read the book if you couldn't tell already! ) that will no doubt save your future children some heartache. They won't have to worry about grandma violated mommy's boundaries or violated theirs because you started drawing the line before they were even born.

That was long and sorry if it sounds harsh. I'm putting everything in the context of boundaries right now since coming fresh out of the book. My whole life I've experienced situations like this and 99% of the time I'll do my best to people-please just to avoid feeling guilty or because I'm making myself responsible for other people's happiness and feelings. By the grace of God...no more!

Whatever happens, I hope you have a happy birthday! PF Chang's IS quite possibly the best restaurant ever.
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  #10  
October 8th, 2008, 04:48 PM
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If she is going to most likely make a scene at the restaurant and ruin it for everyone else, I am totally in agreement about not having her at your dinner.

I get along wonderfully with my MIL but my FIL is rather difficult so I would not want him present at my birthday dinner (which is Saturday with my MIL, SIL, DH and SIL's hubby).

Thankfully, MIL and FIL are long divorced so I can invite her and not worry about hurt feelings.

DH and I have talked and determined that due to the way that FIL treats me, he won't be a part of our children's lives because exposing them to someone who is horrid to their mommy would not be in their best interest in my opinion.

Hope you have a great birthday dinner.
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  #11  
October 8th, 2008, 07:51 PM
snsgirl336's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm also one of the fortunate ones who loves my MIL, but if I were you, I would invite her to a lunch with you and your DH. That way, you are including her, yet you get to have your dinner with your family. I hope you figure it out and decide what you want to do!
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  #12  
October 9th, 2008, 06:36 AM
STL_Beth's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks for all the advice. My DH and I actually already go out to lunch with her at least once a week because somebody has to visit her at least once a week to refill her medication, take her grocery shopping, etc and we always go out to eat then as well....sometimes it's just my DH, but other times it's both of us. I think what I'm going to do is not really mention that we are going out to dinner separately with my family to her. And then her bday is nov 13, but we will be out of town nov 8-15, so before we leave, we will go out to eat with her for my bday and her bday combined. I know I make her sound like she is this evil person and sometimes she can act like it, but I have to remember that it's mostly the mental problems she suffers from.
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  #13  
October 9th, 2008, 07:47 AM
mgm78's Avatar Zoe's mom Meredith
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I would not invite her. How would she find out unless DH told her? We have no contact with my mother, who i believe has Borderline Personality Disorder. Her goal in life has been to make everyone as miserable as humanly possible. My motto has been, I am most important in my life, I do what is best for me, and life is too short for toxic people. It is tough and whatnot, but i am emotionally better off. It is your birthday, you make the rules Have a great time at PF Changs!
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