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Forum: Trying to Conceive Your First Child

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  #1  
November 28th, 2011, 09:16 PM
HopeTea's Avatar Cautiously expecting #1
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 903
My husband and had been talking about finally trying for a baby for several months before we decided to start trying in December. December is still two days away, but since my period ended on November 23, we decided to start trying right away. I know it's not likely to have any effect or cause pregnancy this early in my cycle (My cycle tends to run about 32 days), but I was just so excited! Even better, DH had a few days off work right before the weekend, so we were in high spirits and had lots of time together.

The first four days of sex went OK, we did it every single day. But after the fourth time, he half-jokingly said he would really like a break. I didn't consciously feel too bothered by this since I know he is under a lot of stress at work PLUS the added pressure of TTC. But all day yesterday I felt almost depressed. I attributed it in part to the weather (it was a cold & dreary day), but I really couldn't get myself to do much of anything but sit at the computer, and I just had a very heavy feeling. Still, I was prepared to give him a rest day. Then last night he came in and woke me up for sex a couple hours after I went to bed. I felt instantly better knowing he still wanted to, but he ended up giving up after awhile of not being able to achieve orgasm (despite the high work-related stress, he has never had any type of sexual issues).

After that I will admit to feeling pretty low. We have always had a “normal” sex life, but of course sex everyday isn't something we've done since the beginning of our relationship. Still, I felt suddenly like my confidence hit rock bottom. Is it really that hard to have sex with me for five days in a row? If we were on our 2nd or 3rd week, I could better understand, but after only four days? As women often do, I've been thinking nonstop since then. Wondering what's wrong if anything, how I should feel, what I should say, what it could mean, etc. It doesn't make me feel much better than he has time to go jogging almost every morning and also does pushups and things like that. He has energy for that, but not for sex?

I've made sure that he didn't have any reservations about having a baby, so I know it's nothing like that. I'm also not trying to suggest that he suddenly is disgusted by me or anything to that effect. I guess I'm just trying to vent and get advice on how best to deal with this. I know I need to relax and lower my stress level. I'm only 10 days into my cycle now, but soon enough it will be the magic window of opportunity. I don't want to throw away a chance because I'm depressed over what could be nothing at all.

I should also say that I'm typically a very laid-back and happy person with a very low stress-level. I know about breathing exercises, I know how to relax, I have hobbies and things I do to distract myself when I need it. But since yesterday everything has been off! I slept for about 15 hours last night, I want to go back to bed even now, and I feel this odd sense of hopelessness. It's so unlike me that I don't even know what to think! Maybe I'm pushing DH and myself too much because I really want to get pregnant more than anything.

Anyone else had an experience like this or have any advice?
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  #2  
November 28th, 2011, 09:54 PM
Mom2JDub's Avatar (formerly junie22)
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 11,269
With almost 100% certainty, I can tell you that it has nothing to do with your husband not finding you attractive or not wanting to TTC. A lot of men, my DH included, have performance anxiety at times, and TTC pushes that to a whole new level.

Biologically speaking, you really don't need to have sex every day to successfully get pregnant. So I would suggest easing off. Do it every other day or every third day until you know you're reaching your fertile time in your cycle. Then do it a few days in a row. You honestly don't need to BD any more than that.

This being your first cycle, you're both going to be excited and nervous. However, if it starts consuming you now, imagine how you're going to be several months from now, if it takes you a little while to get pregnant.

To ease some of the pressure, I suggest you purchase OPK test strips to pinpoint your ovulation day, track your cervical mucous, and chart your BBT. If you do these things, you'll figure out when you're ovulating, and then you won't place so much pressure on yourself and your DH in the sex department. If you want to learn more about these things, I suggest the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. You can also click on my ticker below, which will take you to my charts on FertiltyFriend.com. You can take tutorials about fertility charting there and set up a free account to get you started.

Feel free to vent on this board anytime and ask questions. And please don't feel depressed about this. We've all been through the emotional highs and lows of TTC, and you will feel better soon. Just hang in there.

By the way, I'm Adrienne (32), and my husband and I are in our fifth cycle of TTC our first child. Welcome to this board.
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  #3  
November 28th, 2011, 10:23 PM
HopeTea's Avatar Cautiously expecting #1
Join Date: Nov 2011
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Thanks for replying, Adrienne. I really appreciate it. Just reading your message makes me feel a little better. It's amazing how sometimes we just need someone else to tell us what we're going through is normal and OK. You're also completely right...if I am a mess now, what will I be like if months pass without success? I think it's something I need to stop worrying about, but it's hard. I know everyone wants to get pregnant right away, but I need to be realistic and just let things happen.

I've been keeping track of BBT and CM, but it doesn't do a lot to ease my worries. Perhaps one of my problems is that I did endless research for weeks, and came away from it overwhelmed by conflicting information and the feeling that no matter what I did, nothing was in my control in the end. I am going to try not to focus on stats and things like that anymore, and try harder to relax!

If luck is not with us in December, I will definitely order an OPK. They aren't sold in pharmacies here, so I'll need to order online (not enough time to get one for this cycle, unfortunately).

Thanks again for your message and suggestions! I'm Jack (27), and I wish you and your husband lots of luck!
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  #4  
November 29th, 2011, 02:55 AM
DaniM0820's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Pottstown, PA
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I agree with everything Adrienne said so I don't really have much to add other than my husband had a little bit of "performance anxiety" during one of our first months TTC when he had never had an issue like that before, so it's completely normal

Te best advice though is don't wear yourself out before O time or you and DH won't had the energy for BDing when it counts

Btw, I'm Dani (25) and DH is Randy (23). We've been TTC for 15 months, but I hope your stay here is short and sweet!
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  #5  
November 29th, 2011, 03:29 AM
HopeTea's Avatar Cautiously expecting #1
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
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Thanks for the message, Dani. I'm relieved to hear that we aren't the only ones having minor issues here and there. Since this is all very new to us, we're probably just feeling nervousness and extra pressure. I hope we get into the swing of things before I drive myself AND DH crazy!

As you and Adrienne have both suggested, I'm going to try to calm down and take it easy with the BD. When I get closer to ovulation time that's definitely going to go out the window, but for now, I'll try to give DH a break here and there.

Thanks again, and best of luck to you and your husband!
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  #6  
November 29th, 2011, 04:41 AM
MillerMom2b's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Cape Cod, Mass
Posts: 270
Hi I'm Ashley 28 and DH, Marc is 30. This is our 4th cycle TTC #1.

We too had similar problems after a few days in a row, and it would leave me depressed. I agree and have started doing everything Adrienne recommended and it really has put both of us at ease. It out the fun back in to it a whole lot too!

Good luck, I hope your stay is short and sweet!
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  #7  
November 29th, 2011, 05:20 AM
KatieKat's Avatar TTC #1
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,570
to what the other ladies said. It can be stressful to you and to DH. That's completely normal. I find myself getting caught up in it sometimes, and DH does as well, so we try to just take a step back, take some deep breaths, and try to gain some perspective. If it doesn't happen this month - there is always the next - or the one after that etc.

I'm Katie and we're just heading into cyle #5 of TTC #1. Welcome to the board and hope you're not around for long because you get a BFP!
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  #8  
November 29th, 2011, 03:31 PM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 12,105
I'm only a few days behind you in our first cycle TTC. I haven't done the BD thing every day (saving that for my fertile week) but I completely understand the thoughts going through your mind. I started a journal here and voiced similar problems with worrying about everything. The others have given great advice, but since we're so close in our cycle I'm happy to be cycle buddies with you so we can talk about where we're at with things and help talk each other of the ledge.

The charting is a good idea, but I'd recommend taking a break from the reading for now. I found that was stressing me out a lot and I've been happier these past few days.
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  #9  
November 29th, 2011, 03:33 PM
HopeTea's Avatar Cautiously expecting #1
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
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Thanks to Ashley and Katie for the most recent messages! I woke up today bright & early, and feeling heaps better than I have been the past few days. I can't tell you guys how much I appreciate the messages!

Good luck to both of you, and thanks again for the support!
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  #10  
November 29th, 2011, 03:51 PM
HopeTea's Avatar Cautiously expecting #1
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
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Hi, Belita! Thanks for the message! Glad to hear I have a cycle buddy!

I noticed the blog section yesterday and was thinking about starting one as well! I learned yesterday (my very first day on this site) how helpful just talking about things can be! I don't really have many people I can talk about TTC with, since DH and I aren't planning to tell anyone until we get our BFP.

I also completely agree about taking a break from reading/researching. I have literally been doing it every single day for weeks! It was fun up until the actual process started, but since then has seemed to do nothing but stress me out.

I've been keeping track of my cycles and checking CM (though not actually noting it) for a few months, and have also recently starting tracking my BBT. I'm hoping being more prepared in that sense will help to calm me down!

Best of luck to you!
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  #11  
November 29th, 2011, 04:29 PM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Posts: 12,105
I did the same thing. The reading was helping me through the waiting part but now it's just fuel for the worrying. I was on birth control until the weekend before Thanksgiving, so I'm learning everything about my body now. Sounds like you're off to a good start!
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  #12  
November 29th, 2011, 05:13 PM
HopeTea's Avatar Cautiously expecting #1
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
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I hope so! I started paying a lot more attention to my body this year after the disaster here in Japan. The stress caused me to start my period 4-5 days after it had just ended, and it went on for 2 weeks! After that it took months for me to get back into normal cycles, which luckily I've been having for the past few months. Hoping everything is good to go for us both!
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  #13  
November 29th, 2011, 05:52 PM
Belita's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh, wow! How was your community impacted by the earthquake and tsunami? I didn't even think of that affecting women's cycles! Glad your body is back to normal!
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  #14  
November 29th, 2011, 06:12 PM
Mom2JDub's Avatar (formerly junie22)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HopeTea View Post
I hope so! I started paying a lot more attention to my body this year after the disaster here in Japan. The stress caused me to start my period 4-5 days after it had just ended, and it went on for 2 weeks! After that it took months for me to get back into normal cycles, which luckily I've been having for the past few months. Hoping everything is good to go for us both!
That's crazy! Hope you and your family are okay and that your community is recuperating/rebuilding well.
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  #15  
November 29th, 2011, 06:28 PM
HopeTea's Avatar Cautiously expecting #1
Join Date: Nov 2011
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We were living in Tokyo at the time, so we were a couple hundred kilometers or so away from the worst of it. Still, it was easily the scariest moment of my life. Quakes in the Tokyo area are usually small and over in a matter of seconds, so I didn't even know how to react. Words just can't describe that day, and the first couple weeks following were really hard. As for our area, there were minor damages to our building and other buildings in the area, fires and a few minor chemical explosions, but overall we were incredibly lucky.

As a side note, I think the disaster was in a way a catalyst for DH and I to decide it was time to TTC. Not right away of course, but a few months later when things started to calm down a little. Things like that just change the way you think about life, I guess.

Thanks a lot for the nice comments.

Last edited by HopeTea; November 29th, 2011 at 06:31 PM.
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  #16  
November 29th, 2011, 07:00 PM
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Im Danita(31) and DH Chad(38) we have been trying to conceive for 7 cycles now... but I understand how you feel. There are times that I feel I have to beg DH to BD when its that time... wanna talk about Turn Off...

Some men just don't feel the same was as their wives. I think we just want it more sometimes then they do.

You will get thru this.. This is a great forum and a great group of ladies to talk to..

Stay Positive
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Last edited by Danita79; November 29th, 2011 at 07:04 PM.
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  #17  
November 29th, 2011, 07:21 PM
HopeTea's Avatar Cautiously expecting #1
Join Date: Nov 2011
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Thanks for the message, Danita. I am doing my best to stay positive, and I can already tell this site is going to be a big help!

Best of luck to you and your husband!
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  #18  
November 29th, 2011, 07:26 PM
IndyMommyWannabe's Avatar Always Hoping & Praying
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,749
!!

I'm Keri-Ann (32) and DH is 38. We've been trying for 20 cycles now...and are dealing with infertility ...and I totally feel ya...i've had months were we have sex maybe twice - and only around O day...

I start to feel like "is it me"?????? but it's not. for us, specifically, he is trying to get his own hormones under control and I've had to learn it's NOT me...but it's because his hormones are whacky.

I'm not by any means saying you guys are dealing with the same thing...but whatever the reason...it's NOT you. he could just be tired and - as i'm sure you're aware, TTC is a HUGE deal. Try to be patient with him. you know he finds you attractive (and yes, while I don't know you, I will 100% say that! )

my only true advice for you...is just be patient with him. There's nothing wrong with you. you WILL get that and if it takes a month or two, that's ok - you're just now learning about your cycles and when to time things and all that.

Also - you don't want sex to become "mechanic" and lose that passion either...that sucks when that happens.

anyways - good luck and come here often! the ladies here are AWESOME!
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TTC since March 2010 (too darn long) - 4 years, 2 months and counting... / Severe MFI / Stage 1 Endometriosis

IVF=ONLY option

October 2012 = Fresh IVF #1 - retrieved 8, 6 fertilized. Transfer 2. Fail.March 2013 = Frozen #1 - Transfer 2 of 4 left. Fail.
February 2014 = Frozen #2 - Transfer remaining 2 - IMPLANTATION!
8 weeks, D&C - blighted ovum - Triploidy


July 2014 = Fresh IVF #2!


"Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us!"

Come visit my blog/journal to learn more about our journey - Our Adventure through Infertility
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  #19  
November 29th, 2011, 07:50 PM
HopeTea's Avatar Cautiously expecting #1
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 903
Hi, Keri-Ann! Thanks a lot for the message! I'm definitely going to try to take things a little easier and give DH a break when he needs it. I definitely don't want sex to turn into a chore!

I'm thinking what I'll try is to just be as close to my normal, cheerful self as I can be, and (despite my mind being on an endless loop of "BABY! NOW!") tell DH that even if it doesn't happen right away, it'll be OK. Maybe this will ease some of the extra pressure he might be feeling.

I'm sorry to hear you and your husband are dealing with fertility issues, but I wish you the best of luck!

As for me, I'll definitely be sticking around!
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