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  #1  
April 20th, 2005, 07:37 AM
DreamChaser's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hi I am new to the boards. I am 37 years old and newly married. My hubby and I are not "officially" trying, but we are not "not trying" either.

I must confess I feel my clock ticking though. I feel as if odds are against me with my age and my cycle history. My periods have never been "regular" - they have averaged around 30 to 35 days, but have gone as long 45 (only if I get sick or have a lot of stress). My period just started yesterday - 4 days earlier than I expected (I can usually tell by my PMS symptoms - they typically start 12 days before my period, the most severe symptoms last for a period of 5 days and one week after they end, my AF comes). Someone said it may have come sooner because I am becoming Perimenopausal. That hit me hard. I feel like I want to seriously TTC, but I know my husband will not agree. He wants kids, but he feels scared and unprepared right now - so I don't think I can talk him in to trying. I really wish I could tell him how I feel, but he is a sensative guy and I don't want to "bully" him to trying for a child. I have no one else I can talk to about this. I feel so sad and alone. I am afraid I am going to burst into tears the next time one of our friends goes, "so are you pregnant yet?"

I know my fears and concerns are little compared to the pain some of you are going through who are officially trying, but I just wanted to express my fear and sadness to someone. So thanks for listening.
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  #2  
April 20th, 2005, 08:08 AM
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I just wanted to welcome you to JM!! I think you will find everyone here very supportive!

I understand how you feel about not being able to talk to your husband. But, I really think you'll feel better if you at least tell him how you feel. My husband didnt act at all ready for a while either, we even would have little spats about it.

I explained to him that I wanted to become pg before it would become dangerous for me (age wise). I also told him that it sometimes takes a year to get pg. So, by the time I DID get pregnant and actually had the baby....a long time may have passed!! And, if you wait until you feel completely ready for a baby, you will probably never have one!

I am 32 and he is 30, so I'm a little younger than you. However I have already had 2 miscarriages and didn't want to wait too much longer! We just sat down and discussed things. He is very sensitive and understanding too.

It's just different for men! There's a lot more to TRYING TO CONCEIVE for us girls, we think about it day and night...they only really have to think about it during our fertile times.

So, know you have us to lean on! But, I would definitely have a conversation with your husband. Maybe he doesn't realize how important it is for you. You might also schedule a "consultation visit" with your OB/GYN and invite him to come to, so he can get an idea of what all will be involved. That might help clue him in.

Good luck!!!
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  #3  
April 20th, 2005, 08:24 AM
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DreamChaser,

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that you feel alone. One of the great things about this forum, is that you are never alone! There are many women who can relate to the things you are feeling.

I totally agree with AmberL. It's awesome that you want to respect your husband wishes, however, there is definitely a way you can approach him without making him think you are forcing him into having a child. Perhaps you could tell him of your concerns and reasons behind why you'd like to start trying now.

As I word of encouragement, my cycles have always been irregular also and I just found out that I am pregnant! My cycles range from 28-35 days (with the average being 32 days) and last month my cycle was 44 days long!! This month we used an Ovulation Predictor Kit, I checked my cervical mucus, and we used Instead Cups. It worked for us!!!! So, there is always hope.

Let us know how it goes if you decide to talk to your hubby. Good Luck!

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  #4  
April 20th, 2005, 09:33 AM
DreamChaser's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks for the welcome and words of encouragement. It is nice to be able to talk to people who understand. And I would like to add congratulations to praying4#1 on your pregnancy - how exciting (and encouraging).

You guys are right - I need to have a heart-2-heart with him. I know it will be hard. He is the sensative type and will probably actually beat himself up mentally for feeling the way he does. Actually it is more than probably - he will. He already did a few weeks back when we got back from visiting my niece and her new little buddle of joy. He confessed he felt a little concerned watching me hold my new great-niece that I will start wanting one (well he was half right - I wanted one before that). At that time I did let him know that yes I was concerned about "waiting" and told him that if we did wait until we felt ready, we may never have one. But I didn't want to push the idea of trying because I could tell he was feeling really guilty about his feelings.

I think that is the hardest part about it for me. I know his fears and concerns (I have them too). But I know that I cannot wait much longer and given how long it can take to conceive, I know we really should start trying. But I fear if I tell him how I am feeling - he will guilt trip himself and agree only because he thinks he had done wrong by me and is being a selfish, bad husband. I don't want to feel we are trying only for my sake. It is hard, on one hand I want this to be our decision, but on the other I know if I wait for him to come around, it will be at the best much harder or at the worse, too late.

Thanks again for the welcome and encouragement. If you are the praying type say a prayer for me and my hubby. That I can convey my feelings and concerns the right way and that he is receptive.
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  #5  
April 20th, 2005, 09:36 AM
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I can realate to you hubby not wanting to activelt try but not really prevent it either. I am in same boat as you with that. I am not as old as youa re but understand the frusstration of wanting to start ttc and nt being able to. I hope he comes around soon. Good Luck!
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  #6  
April 20th, 2005, 11:24 AM
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I hope your husband comes around for you!

And I wouldn't worry too much about your cycles. I have a friend who is either 37 or 38, has cycles VERY similar to you, was very promiscuous when growing up and never got pregnant even though she didn't use protection. So because of these reasons she thought there might be something wrong and she wouldn't be able to conceive. Well, she was artificially inseminated (she is single and felt like she couldn't afford to wait any longer) and it took the FIRST time!

So don't give up hope! Good luck and baby dust!
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  #7  
April 20th, 2005, 11:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by DreamChaser@Apr 20 2005, 10:33 AM
Thanks for the welcome and words of encouragement.* It is nice to be able to talk to people who understand.* And I would like to add congratulations to praying4#1 on your pregnancy - how exciting (and encouraging).

You guys are right - I need to have a heart-2-heart with him.* I know it will be hard.* He is the sensative type and will probably actually beat himself up mentally for feeling the way he does.* Actually it is more than probably - he will.* He already did a few weeks back when we got back from visiting my niece and her new little buddle of joy.* He confessed he felt a little concerned watching me hold my new great-niece that I will start wanting one (well he was half right - I wanted one before that).* At that time I did let him know that yes I was concerned about "waiting" and told him that if we did wait until we felt ready, we may never have one.* But I didn't want to push the idea of trying because I could tell he was feeling really guilty about his feelings.

I think that is the hardest part about it for me.* I know his fears and concerns (I have them too).* But I know that I cannot wait much longer and given how long it can take to conceive, I know we really should start trying.* But I fear if I tell him how I am feeling - he will guilt trip himself and agree only because he thinks he had done wrong by me and is being a selfish, bad husband.* I don't want to feel we are trying only for my sake.* It is hard, on one hand I want this to be our decision, but on the other I know if I wait for him to come around, it will be at the best much harder or at the worse, too late.

Thanks again for the welcome and encouragement.* If you are the praying type say a prayer for me and my hubby.* That I can convey my feelings and concerns the right way and that he is receptive.
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Here's my opinion. Tell him EXACTLY what you just said to us!! Let him know that you want it to be a mutual decision, that you don't want him to TTC out of a sense of guilt. Don't want him to resent it later. Just be honest about how you feel, Im sure together you will come to some sort of agreement about this!

Good luck!!
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  #8  
April 20th, 2005, 11:44 AM
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Yes I agree with Amber. Communication is so very important. He isnt going to know how you feel until you tel him. If he is just feeling a little scared reassure him th ebest you can. Find out what he is so afraid of ex: not being a good dad, not being able to have kids ect.... Talk to him I sure it make you feel muchbetter and ya never know he might just change his mind. Good luck!!!
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  #9  
April 20th, 2005, 01:20 PM
DreamChaser's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks again everyone. I have been thinking about it and I think I will approach the subject by asking if I can be open and share my feelings with him (which of course is true - he comes from a very open family) and then prefrece that these are my thoughts and feelings, which have nothing to do with him, his thoughts or what he has done. Share why I am concerned and let him know that I have the same fears and worries he has, but that I have these other concerns. I will point out too that his fears and worries are normal (everyone has them), but if everyone waited until they felt they were 100% ready, then none of us would probably be here!

His basic fears are being able to support a family. I probably should let you all know I am older than my husband - so I do make more money than him because I have been working longer. He wants kids, he loves them and is great with them (probably because he is a big kid himself). If I were to get pregnant today, he would be happy -he is not against having a family - he is just comfortable with the thought that we aren't right now and we probably should start to try yet. But if we were do find ourselves expecting, he would be happy.
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  #10  
April 20th, 2005, 01:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by DreamChaser@Apr 20 2005, 02:20 PM
His basic fears are being able to support a family.* I probably should let you all know I am older than my husband - so I do make more money than him because I have been working longer.* He wants kids, he loves them and is great with them (probably because he is a big kid himself).* If I were to get pregnant today, he would be happy -he is not against having a family - he is just comfortable with the thought that we aren't right now and we probably should start to try yet.* But if we were do find ourselves expecting, he would be happy.
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I wish you the best of luck! I am older than my dh too (by 2 years) and also make more $ than he does (by about 10,000).

It sounds like we are peas in a pod!! With everything!! Once he gets used to the idea of you being preggers....he'll be on board 100%

Let us know how it goes!! Good luck!
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  #11  
April 20th, 2005, 01:54 PM
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Dream Chaser you hubby sounds just like my matty!
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  #12  
April 20th, 2005, 03:19 PM
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I think if you tell him and he realizes how much it means to you then he will be for it. If he loved you enough to say he would spend the rest of his life with you, then he should support any decision you feel ready to make. I know that it's a scary time, heck I'm scared too...but it'll also be a happy time, and if you're ready tell him and hopefully he will see that it means the world to you and he will then be for it
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  #13  
April 21st, 2005, 06:18 AM
DreamChaser's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks again everyone. Just an update, we have started discussing it. My wacky AF this month actually has helped to open up the discussion - it gave me a basis for my fears and concerns about running out of time. One thing to note in the discussion - when I expressed concerned that we haven't really tried he said "but we have been trying" - he thought there was no real way to approximate my fetile times - when I told him that I could track my temperature and my CM - he wasn't aware of it. So the seeds are planted - we will see where it goes. I think he is open to it, but we just haven't openly agreed that we are going to take an aggresive approach to trying.
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  #14  
April 21st, 2005, 06:34 AM
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DreamChaser,

That is great that you have begun talking to your hubby about TTC! It sounds like he is willing to hear you out and at least discuss the situation with you. I guess that we do expect our husbands to be as knowledgeable about TTC as we are...and the truth is, most of them aren't! I'm so happy to hear that you have begun discussing this with him.

You're in my prayers! Best of luck to you!
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  #15  
April 21st, 2005, 06:48 AM
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welcome first of all.

you need to talk to your hubsand and tell him how you are feeling. who knows he may feel the same way and don't know how to tell you. and also if you can't talk to you hubsand about this then who is to say you can talk to him about anything serious.
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  #16  
April 21st, 2005, 07:28 AM
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Thanks for the welcome. Yes I know I need to talk to him about my feelings and we have started to talk about.
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  #17  
April 21st, 2005, 08:22 AM
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I'm glad you had a chance to discuss things with him. He sounds like he's very supportive and willing to communicate about things. It's a positive thing that he thought you were "already trying"!!!

It's funny because most men just don't understand what's all involved in ttc! It's not as easy as just bding...the timing has to be just right too!!! Eventually he'll catch up, but at least he's trying to understand!!

Good luck!
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  #18  
April 21st, 2005, 08:43 AM
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YAY I am so glad he is up for really trying. Good luck hun!
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  #19  
April 22nd, 2005, 11:50 AM
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glad to hear that you two have talked about and he is wanting to try to. good luck and baby dust.
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  #20  
April 22nd, 2005, 12:31 PM
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I completely understand how you feel. My husband wanted to wait 5 years. I told him all the consequences for both him & I if we prolonged having our first baby. He finally relized how important it was to me. He understands that neither of us are getting any younger. Plus my family has a history of early menopause. You need to try to sit down & talk with him about how you feel & the affects of waiting much longer. Good Luck.
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