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A "for the future post" .... Setting boundaries for other people.....


Forum: Trying to Conceive Your First Child

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  #1  
June 20th, 2013, 12:39 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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I'm just curious if I am the only one worried about when we finally have a baby we will struggle with our families not respecting our rules and boundaries.



An example: my family has a habit to give small children food. Ice cream, icing, whipped cream, cookies (baby safe ones). My cousin accidentally got her first taste of ice cream when she threw her toy and I bent down to get it.. and she went for the cone in my hand since I moved it close to her to bend over. Face first into banana ice cream. I was so upset I cried and apologized to my aunt a million times. But when her sister was a baby, my mom gave her vanilla ice cream and whipped cream. She had horrible reflux and wasn't supposed to have ANY solids except cereal in her bottle until the Ped ok'd it.

I really don't feel like I can trust my family to respect the way DH and I have planned on doing things. I'd really hate to get to Canada, have them make me pissy and then us change flights and go home early.



Another example is more serious to me (really, I'd prolly say yes to a taste of vanilla ice cream after 6m if there was no dairy allergy, I just want to be asked first). It's looking like If we do conceive this year, that our baby will be born in Indiana. Possibly in the same hospital Reme was born in. I didn't want a hospital birth, I wanted the MUCH cheaper birth center birth, but that isn't an option there. Dh's entire family lives an hour away.

Anyone else afraid that people are going to flock to the hospital to see you? I don't want anyone there but Dh, a female from my family, or his ex. I'm prepared to pull the "big brother card" and tell everyone that no one gets to see the baby until Reme does. After all the time it's taken to conceive ... I want to spend those first few days holding my baby as much as possible. I don't want to share! I don't want my SIL's showing up wanting to hold my new baby.. out of respect I'd let his parents and grandfather come.. but everyone else can wait a few days.. and while I know babies are great... I'm not like most people who want someone to come hold my baby and that's what everyone I know would do (shouldn't say everyone. My grandmother, mother and aunt would make sure the laundry was done, the dishes were done, I had clean sheets and would hold the baby while I napped or showered and then give it back with out whining.) I know for a fact Dh's family is already arguing over who gets to hog the baby that's due in August.


Am I the only one who worries about this?
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  #2  
June 20th, 2013, 05:32 AM
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You definitely have to set boundaries for others to respect, for your own sanity and the well being of your children.

I don't foresee it being a huge problem, personally, because DH's family is 4 hours away, and my family consists only of my mom, grandma, and siblings. DH does worry about our children's eating habits for sure, he wants me to breastfeed, and doesn't want them having any junk food because he struggled with his weight as a child and as an adult. I try to tell him that because of where we live now, our kids are going to be so much more active than either of us were as children, and get way better nutrition, I mean I ate from a box or got dinner from a drive-thru 5 nights a week when I was growing up. If we are giving them good nutrition 98% of the time, I don't think that the 2% of the time family can spoil them with sweets is going to ruin them... o.O. I may feel differently when we actually have children. Allergies and food sensitivities will definitely be forewarned to anyone we trust to watch our little ones.

In the delivery room I don't even anticipate a problem, it scares me how people's entire families will actually show up at the hospital when a baby is born... and then follow them home with the infant. Little space please?? No one will be there except me and DH. Maaaybe my mom and his parents, they are of course welcome, but who knows whether they would be able to even be there. I don't think anyone is going to try to show up uninvited, one of the perks of having a small family.

Seeing the way other people behave, I think you aren't alone worrying about this stuff. People are crazy when it comes to babies.

*sigh* I try not to think about these things too much... who knows when it will even happen.

Ok... lemme crawl back outta the dumps. Good topic.

You have to set boundaries when actually TTCing, but that's come up on here plenty of times. I don't want everyone's 2 cent advice. (My policy is just keep as many people in the dark as possible, I may even keep the entire pregnancy a secret, if and when it does happen, aside from immediate family knowing of course. We'll see. "When's the baby due?" "What!? What makes you think I'm pregnant!?" Don't want anyone touching my belly.)
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  #3  
June 20th, 2013, 06:20 AM
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I completely understand where you are coming from and your concerns, because I share some of them.

I guess all you can do is be on the same page as your husband and come with a plan to enforce your beliefs. And be confident in your convictions -- finding a way to be polite yet firm is oh so important.

I'm concerned about my MIL. She's very pushy at time, and what's worse, b/c she has worked in a hospital (checking people in when they come in to the ER) she thinks she's a nurse. My mom, on the other hand, is very easy going, respects boundaries, and is not pushy. It's awesome.

But yeah, I try not to get worked up about the other stuff (i.e. how grandparents will feed our kids, how they'll want to push stuff on us, etc). That'll get figured out in due time.
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  #4  
June 20th, 2013, 06:40 AM
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I agree with the other girls, I know that once I do get pregnant and have that baby I will be overly protective and watch them like a hawk. And I agree with you on the "bad" foods, honestly I don't plan to give my child those types of foods, for example my friends child is 3y/o and has no idea what a cookie is because her mom gives her all natural and healthy food, no processed food, which is what I plan to do as well.

So yes you must set boundaries IMMEDIATELY!
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  #5  
June 20th, 2013, 07:13 AM
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I'm pretty worried about the food thing with my in-laws. They just shove junk food at all our nieces and nephews all the time, and I do not want our kid eating it. I'm not sure how I'll handle this one yet!

As for the hospital, I feel the same. Hubby and ONLY hubby. My SIL wanted the same, and she actually just didn't tell anybody lol None of us knew the baby was born until she was home from the hospital lol I think I am going to go that route.
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  #6  
June 20th, 2013, 07:18 AM
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With how many opinions our families have had on our last pregnancy / miscarriage and our general TTC after I have to say that if we ever do have a baby it will definitely be something to worry about.

I agree with the boundaries. I wish I could go back in time and make discussing our TTC off limits. . .
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  #7  
June 20th, 2013, 08:26 AM
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You are NOT the only one who worries about this! I worry about food boundaries AND hospital visit boundaries.

I have the same urge to spend my first few hours/days with me, and my husband, and the baby. I don't want a lot of visitors. From what I've read you're normally exhausted after delivery, breast feeding is a learning process, and you're body is leaking EVERYWHERE. Why would I want family to see me like that? Why would I want people interrupting my bonding time?

I'm hoping that as time goes by that I will be able to relax and remember that all the grandparents don't live in my city. The baby will be a novelty to them. No matter how much I'm going to want to hold my baby I will have plenty of time to do so. And isn't giving up 30 minutes of holding time to facilitate a bond between grandparent and grandchild worth it? I'm not saying I'm going to feel 100% happy if and when people want to visit and want to hold the baby, but I'm hoping that I can remind myself that life is bigger than me + baby. And that baby may need the other family members some day.

As far as food goes, I think I will be strict. For once, I don't think I have to worry about my mother complying with my wishes. Her parents and siblings didn't respect her wishes for how to treat me when I was a baby, and it hurt her very deeply. So she has always told me that she will follow what I say when I have a child. Husband's parents may be a different story.

I have discussed boundaries with my SIL who has faced dilemmas like do you let your child spend the night with grandma who smokes in her condo... and my SIL told me you just kind of get to the point where you don't care what others think because you want to protect your children. So she learned to set boundaries because she wanted to, and it came naturally. Does that make sense?

I'm glad to read that I'm not alone on wanting to BE alone after birth and the first few days.
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  #8  
June 20th, 2013, 09:29 AM
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I definitely worry about it. I know my parents are going to want to be right there as soon as the baby is born. DH and I want time just us after. I think for the most part people will respect our boundaries. I'm the most concerned that my mom will show up on my doorstep every day. We don't have the closest relationship. Sometimes I worry things will get worse because I'll have to stand my ground when our baby is concerned. I'm going to be a strict mama and I know some people in our family aren't going to like that.
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  #9  
June 20th, 2013, 11:29 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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See, I know my DH is going to be useless during delivery. We'd already planned to hire a doula so I don't get angry with him for looking like a deer in the headlights. Medical stuff terrifies him. Only reason we were considering doula is because my mom likely won't make it down, and the few other women who I adore in my life I wouldn't want doing some of the things that a doula will do during labor. Even tho my mom wouldn't do that either, she's the only person out of my whole family who would be tell me to stop being whiny and suck it up. Most everyone else would be "why are you putting yourself through this, just get the epidural!"



I am VERY different than my family. Baby wearing, Food before 1 is just for fun, co-sleeping, Extended rear facing/Extended Harnessing/Extended boostering (which is a HUGE source of contention, they don't see the point.. one Aunt has already said she'll drive down the road with the kid and just switch the car-seat around). They are all very much "It worked 30 years ago, it will work now."

And that's even more different than Dh's family, who are annoyed because Reme told them (this story was HILARIOUS when L told it to me) that he doesn't care if they buy all the grandbabies a travel system, that they CANNOT buy me a car seat, because I am smarter than anyone he knows about them and already have one picked out that matches the Stroller he and Daddy picked out. They can give him the money and we will buy it, but they are not allowed because he doesn't trust them enough. I love this kid, I really do.


While trying to sleep I decided we will elect the big brother clause if we end up having a baby somewhere other than where we are right now. No one sees the baby until Reme does. I'll update Facebook with pictures, but the first call we make will be to Reme's mom, then our parents, and grandparents, then facebook will know. It'll be up to grandparents and parents to notify everyone else, because we'll be going into bonding mode. And anyone who wishes to visit at the hospital must be comfortable seeing my naked boobs. Same goes for the first 3 weeks at the house.

I used to be very anal about smoking around the baby, I still am to an extent. Hands and face washed, new shirt. But no one we know actually smokes in the house, no houses we'd visit anyway. My grandparents might smoke in the house once in a while, but if my nan knew i was coming she'd clean the place from top to bottom. I know they were working on their little back porch area to make it more comfortable in the winter so they could smoke out there because nan was tired of washing and painting the vaulted ceilings in the living room.


I think I worry because I spent most of my life being a people pleaser. I didn't do anything out of the norm because I wanted to fit in and have people like me. Now I'm all "you people are terrible and you're not corrupting my kids!"





And for food, our goal is for our kids not to know anything but milk and water for drinks. Juice used only for tummy issues, and only certain kinds. I really want their first taste of sugar to be when they destroy their 1st birthday cake. I don't want my kids to know what it's like to be fat. I want them to have a great foundation, and a really good start when it comes to eating and being healthy.



I really live behind the "know better do better." it's not easy to do it for yourself once you are an adult. But it's really easy to do it for your kids.
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Last edited by plan4fate; June 20th, 2013 at 11:36 AM.
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  #10  
June 20th, 2013, 11:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by plan4fate View Post


And for food, our goal is for our kids not to know anything but milk and water for drinks. Juice used only for tummy issues, and only certain kinds. I really want their first taste of sugar to be when they destroy their 1st birthday cake.
LOL, My SIL went that route, and my niece didnt' have any kind of sweet food til her 1st birthday.

They really shouldn't have gotten a grocery store cake, and tried a homemade recipe that wasn't so sickeningly sweet...

Because, when she got that first mouth full of frosting she was almost immediately sick from it. I felt terrible, but it was also kind of funny because people were like "She's never had ANYTHING with sugar?!".

But, maybe she'll avoid cake the rest of her life and be super healthy because of it. Who knows.
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  #11  
June 20th, 2013, 01:26 PM
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I struggle with this, big time.

On the baby being born, I want to have DH, the doula, midwife, and my girlfriend who has had two natural deliveries. I do not want people coming to the hospital, and I do not want people visiting at home right after! My parents can come see the baby, but I need a few days at least. DHs parents are insufferable. He can bring the baby to them to meet when the baby is a few days old. I don't talk to my FIL. So hopefully my in laws keep up the trend of not talking to me.

My parents are chain smokers and I know for a fact they smoke in the house when my nieces and nephews are sleeping over. So, for sleepovers, I don't know. I'd like to be able to send my kids over, but the smoking is just so excessive. And food! My god. My nephew was two when he would be riding in his booster seat with an ice Capp and a box of timbits! His favourite snack now to have at their house is Coke and Bear Paws. Ugh.

I have other examples but ill spare you. I'm not sure what to do because my in laws won't be good grandparents.... Regardless of my relationship with the,. They have one granddaughter and they won't even drive an hour to see her. I doubt they'll want much to do with mine. And with my parents being so sugar and smoking friendly.... I feel scared that my kids won't have a grandparent relationship. So I either give it up on the smoking and the crap food, or my kids don't get grandparents. It's a pretty crummy decision to have to make.
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  #12  
June 20th, 2013, 08:10 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnaBonana View Post
I struggle with this, big time.

On the baby being born, I want to have DH, the doula, midwife, and my girlfriend who has had two natural deliveries. I do not want people coming to the hospital, and I do not want people visiting at home right after! My parents can come see the baby, but I need a few days at least. DHs parents are insufferable. He can bring the baby to them to meet when the baby is a few days old. I don't talk to my FIL. So hopefully my in laws keep up the trend of not talking to me.

My parents are chain smokers and I know for a fact they smoke in the house when my nieces and nephews are sleeping over. So, for sleepovers, I don't know. I'd like to be able to send my kids over, but the smoking is just so excessive. And food! My god. My nephew was two when he would be riding in his booster seat with an ice Capp and a box of timbits! His favourite snack now to have at their house is Coke and Bear Paws. Ugh.

I have other examples but ill spare you. I'm not sure what to do because my in laws won't be good grandparents.... Regardless of my relationship with the,. They have one granddaughter and they won't even drive an hour to see her. I doubt they'll want much to do with mine. And with my parents being so sugar and smoking friendly.... I feel scared that my kids won't have a grandparent relationship. So I either give it up on the smoking and the crap food, or my kids don't get grandparents. It's a pretty crummy decision to have to make.
My inlaws are good people (most of the time) but their way of life and my way of life and our views are VERY different. Initially they told me just to go for a c-section because the 10 hour drive the day I'm released to bring the baby to see them would suck if I'd have had to push..... yeah, no joke.

Lora and I talked about it and she said she'll be my back up and INSIST that Reme get to see and bond with the baby before everyone else (and then proceeded to tell my uterus to do it's dang job so she has a baby to come snuggle while she sends me off for a nap). but I got word today we could be in Wisconsin indefinitely (yay!). I doubt I'll use the center I wanted before, but I'll just find another
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  #13  
June 21st, 2013, 10:31 AM
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Hahaha Ash that had me cracking up! "Wait to have a C-Section just so we can be there" lol. Here is my take on what and how I think things are going to happen.

DH said he wants it to be just me and him in the delivery room. I disagree because I think I would be trying to rip him to pieces if my mom and my nana are not in the room. I want to try to give birth without the need of an epidural. People think I am crazy but why not? If I can't handle the pain I can always change my mind up to a point. DH's mom wants to be in the room and I told her that we will cross that bridge when we get pregnant. My nana is going to come fly out for about a month to help us get into the swing of things and help me if I get sick or have a hard time, etc. This also might change because DH is being very very very over protective. I kind of understand where he is coming from though. After TTC for a little while now i want some alone time with just all of us because it will be a very intimate time with our little miracle.
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  #14  
June 21st, 2013, 10:53 AM
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I think it'll be a matter of balancing the in-laws at this point. Whenever we have a baby, it'll be the first grandchild on both sides. Not only that, but with DH's brother being kind of out of the picture, all the grandchildren are coming from us, since I'm an only child. So, there's going to be a lot of excitement Plus, my dad is the only one of the four grandparents who is still working, which means there's a lot more flexibility in timing. They're all still a plane (or very long car) trip away.

I don't know how it will work when the time actually comes - should they all come at once, etc. They like each other, so it might be nice to have them overlap for a few days or whatever. They have been good about respecting boundaries, and hopefully, hopefully, I will be able to stand my ground when needed!!
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  #15  
June 21st, 2013, 11:34 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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I personally think I just need something to worry and fret about at all times so I just latch onto what every is craziest at the moment. LOL.

I checked out my SIL's registry (because I wanted to see if there was anything specific that she NEEDED) and I was really really pleased to see that it looks almost identical to mine, including choosing the exactly same car seats I have in just a different color. And I know she can't see mine, so I have a little more faith at least in her to be around my kid. LOL.
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Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant, Adenomyosis and Polyps.
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
Colposcopy = CIN1+CIN2 cells
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Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015. Vitamins started August 2nd
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