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Be Honest? Or Just Stay Quiet?


Forum: Trying to Conceive Your First Child

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  • 1 Post By Gcarr38
  • 2 Post By MelChicago
  • 2 Post By momology
  • 2 Post By left_field

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  #1  
September 18th, 2013, 08:07 PM
hopelessly wishing's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: California
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Wanted to post this earlier. Don't know why I didn't..

But now, I need to ask.. Because with some of my replies I feel bad.

Is it better to be honest when someone asks for it, or is it better to just stay quiet and not answer a question at all?

I know from what I was going through recently, I was on another board expressing my fears about what was going on with me and had a lot of kind words from ladies, but it was also false hope. I know the people on here are not experts and can not tell me exactly what's going on and what's going to happen next, but all I wanted was honesty, even if it wasn't good news.

After I found out it was a blighted ovum from my dr, I started to do research and all if my symptoms were those of a blighted ovum.

After replying to the last pg test pics and mentioned my experience with a positive that disappeared, I feel really bad!! I don't want to discourage anyone. But for me, honesty is better.

What do you Ladies think?
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  #2  
September 18th, 2013, 08:31 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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There is a huge difference between honesty and negativity. And sometimes the line in communicating it is very very fine.

A single pregnancy test, or beta cannot predict the total outcome of a pregnancy in most cases. Sometimes even two isn't an accurate prediction. So while sure, if at 6w you are getting squinters there is something wrong, but a squinter at 12-14dpo doesn't necessarily mean things are bad.
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Matthew&Mark 08/24/2005 9w1d, Mattie Anne 04/07/2008 8w Mel|&Dee 01/19/2010 (8 weeks) and 5 chemical pregnancies
Hope 07/22/2012@4w1d, Konnor 11/24/2012@3w6d,"Emmy"1/15/2013@ 3w6d, Ronen 02/10/2013@3w5d, Joy 07/19/2013@3w6d, "Pea" 09/06/2013@ 3w3d

Me: Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, PCOS, Insulin resistant
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
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Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015
Attempting vitamins for remainder of 2014
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  #3  
September 18th, 2013, 08:46 PM
hopelessly wishing's Avatar Super Mommy
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I totally understand. I think that is why it is so hard for me sometimes. I do not know anyone personally and different people take things different ways.
I feel really bad if I discouraged her. I was not trying to be negative. Any bfp from anyone gets me soo excited.

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  #4  
September 19th, 2013, 01:39 AM
Gcarr38's Avatar Veteran
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Location: PA
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Honesty is great! Don't want false hope and I think it helps with educating people about the different things that can happen ....I'm new to all of this so i certainly don't know a lot about the different things that can happen
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  #5  
September 19th, 2013, 06:37 AM
butterfly721's Avatar TTC #1
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Quote:
Originally Posted by plan4fate View Post
There is a huge difference between honesty and negativity. And sometimes the line in communicating it is very very fine.

A single pregnancy test, or beta cannot predict the total outcome of a pregnancy in most cases. Sometimes even two isn't an accurate prediction. So while sure, if at 6w you are getting squinters there is something wrong, but a squinter at 12-14dpo doesn't necessarily mean things are bad.
You are very wise!
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  #6  
September 19th, 2013, 09:30 AM
momology's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Completely Ashley!! She always says things so well
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  #7  
September 19th, 2013, 01:07 PM
BamaLove's Avatar Veteran
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I like the honesty in things because I was considering taking supplements and the girls here told me to stick to my prenatal and I did The advice is helpful and the knowledge from other is the most I could ever ask for; esp for someone like me who is new to this whole TTC thing
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  #8  
September 19th, 2013, 02:01 PM
Just keep breathing.
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I see both sides.

During my last 2 losses, I had slow-rising betas and too-small ultrasounds. I got really frustrated hearing that "oh, you must have been off with your dates" when I KNEW I was not. I think I could have used some more honest advice, along the lines of "It doesn't look good, all you can do is wait, try to stay calm, distract yourself, etc." rather than "oh, it's probably fine!" (not just from ppl on forums, but also from family, etc.). I could have used the validation and support that yes, it's okay to be scared, find ways to prepare myself to cope with bad news, etc.

But after 3 losses, I've learned- really, really learned- that worrying does nothing. Absolutely nothing. I've learned how to live with doubt, and not let myself spiral into those stories we tell ourselves- one piece of bad news and it's "I'm a failure again, this will never happen for me, this is going to drag on forever, etc." I'm a lot better at just BEING whatever I am- sad, happy, curious, fearful, etc. without inflating it or suppressing it. So, the encouragement, even if its false hope, doesn't bother me as much. I take it as a form of support, even if it's not an actual fact. Like, someone might say, "I'm sure everything is fine!", and it's NOT fine, but I appreciate that they care about me and wish me well.
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  #9  
September 19th, 2013, 02:36 PM
momology's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I agree with what Mel is saying as well.

I think what can make it so hard is until you know for sure it is always worth having a little hope. Even when things aren't looking great. . . I have seen bad betas or bleeding turn into a healthy pregnancy, and great betas or no bleeding at all turn into a loss. The truth is there is that bit of time where you just cant possibly know what the outcome will be. For me, I prefer to have just a little hope to get through that time. With my first pregnancy it was up and down for a while and I am not sure I could have made it with out the hope some of ladies gave me on here even though it did not turn out well. I still had to get through those months - good or bad. I don't think my pain would have been any less if people had been less optimistic for me.

I think honest and supportive are really my goals when responding to anyone. I never want to lie or give false hope. But I do hope to help people through uncertain times until they know either way.
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  #10  
September 19th, 2013, 03:09 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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I try and give honesty, but I always try and give it in a positive light.

I know when I see a squinter on cd 12 it's not going to turn out well for me. But it's just nice to hear others say they can 1- see it and 2- they have their fingers crossed for me. I think if 10 people replied and 2 said that it was going to be a miscarriage.. my feelings would be absolutely trashed.
__________________
~TTC #1 together 2 years and counting ~


Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum
Matthew&Mark 08/24/2005 9w1d, Mattie Anne 04/07/2008 8w Mel|&Dee 01/19/2010 (8 weeks) and 5 chemical pregnancies
Hope 07/22/2012@4w1d, Konnor 11/24/2012@3w6d,"Emmy"1/15/2013@ 3w6d, Ronen 02/10/2013@3w5d, Joy 07/19/2013@3w6d, "Pea" 09/06/2013@ 3w3d

Me: Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, PCOS, Insulin resistant
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015
Attempting vitamins for remainder of 2014
Weight loss goal #1 - 10% body weight 23.4lbs - accomplished July 13 2014
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  #11  
September 20th, 2013, 07:56 AM
Super Mommy to be
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,146
Also you can't read tone in an online message and most people realize this and try extra hard to throw a positive spin on things so as to lighten what they're saying. So adding a 'fingers crossed' or 'don't give up hope until AF arrives' lets the poster know you care and that you aren't aren't bluntly or coldly replying to a post.... sometime a matter of fact lone statement of, 'I don't see a line' or 'I wouldn't get my hopes up' just seems so short and unfeeling.
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Phillipians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
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