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Forum: Trying to Conceive Your First Child

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  #1  
June 28th, 2005, 08:41 AM
theycallmelisa
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I've been "mom" to my stepson since he was 7 months old. He is 21 months now, and I love him as if he were my own. I am the only mother he knows, his BM completely left his life when he was only 2 months.

My question is: do you think that you ever have limitations on the amount of love you have for your step kid(s)? When I first became a stepmom, I had the ability to walk away if I wanted to and not worry about child support, parenting, etc... I had to make that decision before we got too serious. I told s/o in the beginning that it was different b/c he's not "technically" mine, and it'd take some time getting used to being a parent. (I personally haven't had any of my "own" yet) He could not for the life of him understand how I could love his son any less just because he didn't come from ME. It's not that I love(d) him less, its that it took alot more time for that love to grow.... Now of course, I'm not having that uncertainty, but I am afraid that when I become pg with my "first" child, I will unintentionally start to choose favourites because of the internal mom to baby connection that you get when you are pregnant. I wouldn't dream of treating the baby any differently than I already do my son, but I'm just worried that my mindset will change unintentionally....

Make sense to anyone? Someone please tell me I'm being silly!
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  #2  
June 28th, 2005, 09:30 AM
barrycarrot's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Bealeton, VA
Posts: 2,010
First let me comend you on stepping up to that role. That little boy is lucky to have you. While i havent been in that exact same situation, i think i'm in a relative similar one. My older brother is married to woman that had a daughter out of wedlock. The daughter was only about 14 months old when they got together and is now 10. I tried to always love her and treat her as a neice from the get go and of course, it wasnt that hard. She was adorable. Over the years, the love has grown more and more and they had a child of their own. I dont personally think that i love or treat her any less than i do their biological child. I do remember my mother mentioning one time, that while she didnt love her any less, it wasnt exactly the same since she isnt her biological grandchild. She to, said it is very hard to explain the feeling.

I think this is really tricky. I guess i do think that maybe even subconsciously we do know that difference is there and can't help the feeling??

I dont know.....tricky question.

Good luck though. Again, i think the little boy is grateful to have you regardless.
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Married to Tim for 5 years (together for 11!)
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Jenna Marie scheduled to come March 25th via c-section!



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  #3  
June 28th, 2005, 09:06 PM
theycallmelisa
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Thank you very much for your response Carrie. It always means alot to hear things like that.
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  #4  
June 30th, 2005, 08:48 AM
LaLa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 11,576
I dont usually post here, but I feel like I should step up and answer

My DH & I are TTC our first child together, but we have a boy each from previous Rs.

My sons father isnt in the picture, and my DH's son comes to us every 3rd weekend.

I met my DH when his son was only 6 weeks old, so Ive been around almost since the beginning. It is HARD being a stepparent.

But, it gets easier with time. You probably have different struggles than me, because your DH has your SS 100% of the time. We have a whole other set of problems. Theres a huge custody/visitation battle, and we are constantly butting heads with DH's sons mother. SHe would rather we NEVER see the baby (hes 2 now). Shes quite bitter about their breakup eventhough it happened before she even found out she was PG.

Its hard. I think youll realize though, that for the most part, you will love the two the same. There may be times when you fnid yourself wanting to favor one over the other. accept that it is part of the role that you play. Its hard. Its never easy. I grew up with a stepfather, and a stepmother, so... i know how it is to be the kid in the middle. Just try to be fair and consistent, and everything will work out fine

I really honestly think that your situation is ideal though - youve been there so long hell never know his life without you, and you dont have another half trying to compete.

Currently, were dealing with DHs sons mother trying to make him not like me. Its hard for him, b/c he will shy away from me when we first get him. Then... after 5 mins, hes fine. She tells him i "took"his daddy, and that its my fault daddy isnt around. I know hes too young now to really understand, but im afraid of how hell act towards me when hes older.

Hang in there, and i commend you for taking on such a role. My DH is in your shoes, and hes done wonderfully

Lala...
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  #5  
June 30th, 2005, 08:49 AM
LaLa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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BTW, even though your son is young, try to include him as much as possible, and i think that will help ease it

I had the same worries when we first started getting a lot of regular visitation, but as long as youre aware that its a possibility, youll be on the look out and youll be ok

Lala...
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  #6  
June 30th, 2005, 10:17 AM
theycallmelisa
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thanks lala,

I know my situation is as ideal as it can be, and for that i'm grateful. part of my S/O doesn't even want to tell michael that i'm not his real mom, but i don't really think thats the right thing to do. Because I'm the only mom michael knows, it makes it alot easier on me too, to know that i AM his only mom, therefore I treat him as if he were my own. I rarely tell people that he's my stepson, its alot easier and just more natural to say "this is my son".

thanks for your response
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  #7  
July 1st, 2005, 02:21 PM
LaLa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2005
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I agree with you, that he should eventually know he has another mom out there even if only biological.
Does your H have any pictures of her? or is there a way you can get some?

My son, as I mentioned, doesnt know his father. Hes been out of the picture since I got pg. Hes seen him less than a dozen times in his life, and most of those (at least half) are purely coincidental (out shopping, etc) since we live in the same small town.

Ill tell you what I did to avoid any awkwardness: I put together a very very small photo album. In it, were small momentos (a card from the hospital, pictures of him from the hospital, etc) and included were pictures of his dad, and his dads family.

Since he was a baby, ive showed him this. So he doesnt remember looking at it for the first time. Hes never questioned much about it until more recently (hes 6 now). BUT, hes old enough to understand that it takes a man and a woman to make a baby. But those arent always the same mommy and daddy that raise the baby. Sometimes people get a mommy or daddy that raises them thats different from the one that helped make him. It also helps that we have a friend/coworker who has adopted, we pointed out thats one case of someone being made by one mommy and daddy, and raised by another mommy and daddy.

Hope that helps... good luck in ttc!

BTW, although i dont frequent this forum, id be glad to answer any other questions or just listen if youve got a rant

Lala...
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