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  #1  
August 10th, 2010, 12:15 PM
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I'd love to hear some people chime in with their thoughts as to what I should do about my niece and nephew, because it's always drama when they come over. They do things that Lily would never do, and when I discipline them or tell them what they are doing wrong I come off as a hardass. If only I had my morning videotaped with them today I know this will get lengthy, and I'd love if people could chime in with their thoughts.

First off, I have told my sister to discipline Lily when she acts up. It is rare that she does, but when she does I fully expect Lily to be put in time out or have things taken away. We DO NOT physically discipline each others kids, but we have the understanding and okay to implement punishment as we see fit. That's not the issue though...

The issue is my niece and nephew cause chaos in the house when they come over. They do things that Lily would never even remotely get away with. I end up yelling and being mad a lot, because the things they do are just not okay. I then get called a hardass because there is no balance between letting them get away with things and them being punished. But I can't let them get away with breaking the rules of our house or our family just because they aren't at their own home, and now my nephew just blatantly defies me because he says I'm mean to him so he does things he know he shouldn't do, therefore the cycle repeats of me being ticked off and punishing him, which causes him to act out more... lather, rinse, repeat, it's the same stuff.

First to give some background... my niece has some issues. These issues are not brought up in the way I feel they should, my parents agree, we think my sister is blind to what goes on with my niece. She has a very obvious learning disability. She does get some help from the SPED department at her school but she does not have a diagnosed disability, and I think if my sister opened up her eyes some more she could get a diagnosis and more help for her. My niece does have hearing and sight problems, but beyond that, there is a lot of denial. I have nothing against my niece for that, if anything I try to be as patient as I can because I know her brain doesn't work the same as Lily or my nephew. She's slow, VERY immature for her age, when she becomes a teenager my sister will have issues. To be honest I'd be shocked if my niece doesn't become a teenage parent. With her very immature mind, her fascination with being older, her interest in boys already (she's 9, which isn't too young, but still young to me), I just do not look forward to her teenage years. My Mom says the same thing, we are very worried that she is going to make the wrong choices too early. My sister is very much in denial over how my niece is. I do understand it to a point, but at the same time, somethings gotta give.

My nephew acts out from how my niece is treated. My brother in law is very hard on my nephew. He's almost 12, he really is a good kid but he pushes buttons. He is always taking the blame for stuff because my niece is treated differently than he is. She gets away with anything, he doesn't. He is always wanting to come here without his sister because he says it's very hard to be her brother sometimes because of how she acts. I do feel for him in this aspect, I know he has more responsibility than he should. He has normal brother/sister fights, but he is usually the only one that gets in trouble for it. Generally my nephew is a good kid, he is very active in sports (although his Dad pushes him too hard with that), he's good with friends, he's responsible for his age, pretty good in school minus being on a learning plan for some comprehension problems with reading. Nothing major though, nothing compared to my niece. He is very protective of Lily, and when he is with me and good we have a lot of fun together. I watched him all the time when he was a baby, I can tell he very much wants to do things with me and get some attention which I give, but he can be so bad that it makes it very hard to reward him with taking him out and doing fun things when he doesn't listen!

Like today... my niece and nephew came over and I was downstairs and kept hearing my dog bark. I go upstairs and see him trying to put those cone things on my dog that keeps them from biting at stitches. I asked him what he was doing, and he said "I don't know what it is or what it's for." I know this is a lie, because he was trying to put it on the dog and thought it was funny when the dog was reacting to it. I then find out that my stepdad told him previously not to play with it, it wasn't a toy, and don't harass the dog. Since he not only lied, but disobeyed my stepdad, I made him stand with his nose in the corner in a time out. Since I can not spank him, there is no privileges of his to take away here, and I'm not just going to let that slide, that is our general punishment in our house with them. If they are playing wii or anything that gets taken away, or they won't be allowed outside, but generally, a time out is what we do. He scoffs at this, talks back, and then I see him texting while in the corner. I tell him to give me his phone, he refuses. I tell him to put it on the desk behind him, he refuses and puts it in his pocket. This wouldn't fly with Lily and I'd just take it from her, but I can't go into my nephews pockets, so I just let it go. He remained in time out until my parents got home because I was sick of him back talking me from the minute they left until they got home. He got upset that he was being punished because I was being "mean," yet he admitted he knew it was wrong to do that to the dog and to lie. So he knows what he is doing, yet he thinks I'm mean because I expect him to follow the rules of the house.

He does this every. single. time. he comes over. Every time it's a big hassle because either him or my niece get in trouble. My nephew knows how to push my buttons and continues to do it even though he knows it's wrong. Last time he was here he ate an entire box of fruit snacks to himself after me telling him they were strictly for Lily's camp lunches. I asked him why he defied me, and he said "I felt like it." He will leave the wii games out and refuse to put them away so I have banned him from playing the wii. To be nice I don't allow anyone to play games when he is here, but it's sad they can't play it just because he refuses to put things away.

OH! And last time he was here he wanted to go outside with Lily. We live in a townhome and in between the 2 buildings is a big area of grass. I told them to stay on the porch or in the grass area only, nowhere else. So after a bit I look out my window, they aren't there. I go outside and call them, they aren't there. I did a quick run around the building, they aren't there. I go back inside, find out he left his phone here, so I can't call him. 10 minutes pass, no kids out there. I go jog all the way down the street calling them, I run back and go up the other street towards the tennis courts, no one is there. I'm starting to panic at this point, and go and sit inside for about 10 minutes, asked my Mom if we should call the police (might have been an over-reaction on my part, but hey, I didn't know where my kid was at.) She said give it another few minutes first. I then go outside and do one more circle around the building, and see them walking up from way down the street. I yelled at them to get back here, and asked Jacob why he felt that it was okay to leave the area where I told them, and he said "because I felt like it." He has blatant disrespect for the rules here.

So... what would you guys do? How do you get kids to give respect when they just refuse to? What would your discipline tactics be? It's so easy to get Lily to listen, but with them... it's like pulling teeth to get any respect at all.
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  #2  
August 10th, 2010, 12:31 PM
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I don't know if I'd allow them to come over if they blatantly refused to follow my rules. Seems like more work than it's worth honestly. I don't have a whole lot of experience with kids, but it would seem to me like I'd just say, "Okay, you don't like my rules? Then you don't have to come back." I've had to tell my mom that my little sister is not welcome to come over until she decides that she will follow the rules of my house. My brother has always followed the rules here, and until my sister starts acting her age (8) and not 2, then she can just stay home and pout.
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  #3  
August 10th, 2010, 12:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chloe'sMommy View Post
I don't know if I'd allow them to come over if they blatantly refused to follow my rules. Seems like more work than it's worth honestly. I don't have a whole lot of experience with kids, but it would seem to me like I'd just say, "Okay, you don't like my rules? Then you don't have to come back." I've had to tell my mom that my little sister is not welcome to come over until she decides that she will follow the rules of my house. My brother has always followed the rules here, and until my sister starts acting her age (8) and not 2, then she can just stay home and pout.
I'd LOVE for them to not come over if they can't follow the rules, that would be my choice. I don't want to deal with this every time they come over. Problem is that I live with my parents while I'm in school, and so my parents still want to see the kiddos even though they don't listen. My stepdad and I are quicker to say no to them coming, but my Mom is a pushover. Today my sister had court and then school, and so she really needed a babysitter. I can't say no when it comes to that, but other times I typically go stay with Tony because I don't want to have the hassle with them. My Mom is a huge pushover when it comes to them, I understand it's her grandbabies, but they have to listen! And they don't, and it's so frustrating.

My parents came home and had a talk with my nephew and now he's fine, but it's like things have to explode before he listens. We have fun when he listens, but he just pushes my buttons so bad! My niece doesn't usually defy me, but she does terrorize Lily. That's another story for another day **rolls eyes**
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  #4  
August 10th, 2010, 02:15 PM
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I would have taken the phone, pocket or not.

I would also tell my sister if her kiddos can't follow the rules, then they can't come over.

I also wouldn't have let my 12 year old nephew, who I already didn't trust and/or knew he doesn't follow rules, wander around with my child without supervision, unless I knew that MY child would without a doubt follow my rules.
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  #5  
August 10th, 2010, 02:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by glasscandie View Post
I would have taken the phone, pocket or not.

I would also tell my sister if her kiddos can't follow the rules, then they can't come over.

I also wouldn't have let my 12 year old nephew, who I already didn't trust and/or knew he doesn't follow rules, wander around with my child without supervision, unless I knew that MY child would without a doubt follow my rules.
Although I don't ever see my nephew hitting me or hurting me, I wouldn't push his buttons and going into his pocket is not a battle I'd want to do. He's the same size as me, close to being bigger than me, and I wouldn't say I fear him, however, I do fear what he *might* do, ya know? Invading his personal body space isn't something I'd push with him. My niece or daughter, sure, but not him. He's never hit me or Lily or his parents, but him and his sister do get into quarrels sometimes. Nothing major though, but like I said, nothing I would want to push with him.

Like I said, my sister had court and school, she had no one else to watch the kids, and there was no going around it, she HAD to go to court. The kids couldn't go to court with her, so it's one of those situations that I had to do, or my sister could be in contempt of court.

And he wasn't supposed to be wandering around with her, our porch leads to our front yard area which they were supposed to be. Lily should have known better than to walk off with him, but she also knows that she's not allowed to be off the porch unless she is with someone else. So she probably just followed him because she thought she was supposed to, even though she knew better than to go that far. She did get talked to about that, she now knows to stay with him, unless he is going somewhere that would be breaking a rule. He generally is good with her and watches out for her well-being, but lately, gosh he's such a little punkass!

My parents came back from court and had a talk with him and he was a perfect angel after that, I thanked him for being so good and told him that things don't have to be like that, he can be good and we wouldn't have an issue, and he agreed.

My niece, who was a perfect angel the whole time... well as she was walking out she started teasing Lily saying "I stole something of yours" so I had to check her bag. She didn't take anything, she just wanted to push her buttons.

It it isn't one thing, it's another!!!!
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