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Helping a friend


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  #1  
August 13th, 2010, 06:26 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,090
Gotta Q/scenario for you all, and tell me how you would approach this. Cause I swear I am freaking clueless as how to respond to a friend sometimes, or maybe I am just a pansy because I don't speak up with what I, or her other close friends, think.

Well I became friends with this girl 5 years ago when my best friend at the time introduced us because this girl, we will call her M, was pregnant and in a similar situation I was in with Lily. So we talked, I gave her advice, we became pretty good friends. We have had some bumps in the road throughout the years, but nothing entirely too major. Any "fight" we have blows over and all is well. We only had one major fight, but that was when she was dating Tony and playing with his emotions. Tony and I were best friends before we dated, so her doing that made me pretty angry. But they didn't date long, she understood why I was mad, and all was well. The way she treated Tony does tie into my predicament, or rather questions about her.

So there's a bit of background, and it ties into my problem. First off, I just want to make it clear that I in no way think that my friend is a "****" or "easy" or am insinuating it. I am also wanting to make it clear that I think a girl/guy has a right to do what they want sexually, as long as they are safe and not hurting people in the process (such as having an affair). I am hoping that my questions don't come across like I think otherwise, because I really don't.

So my friend is on this ongoing quest to find a guy. Time after time again she gets screwed over because she continually looks for the wrong guy, but in that exact moment in time she thinks it's right. I understand, heck I've done it too! She went through hell with her daughters father, who was in jail. She ended up marrying his cellmate because they "fell in love" through letters and after only meeting in person twice while he was still in jail, they got married. You can probably guess what happened to that... she ended up with a divorce soon after. She dated Tony and called him "fat and sexually unattractive" and is so hung up one ones physical characteristics that she overlooks the nice guys that genuinely like her, but to her, they are horrid. She has a very set image of what her ideal mate should look like, and anyone that doesn't look like that is essentially a play toy to her. Good enough to sleep with, not enough to actually give the time of day to. This is what upset me so much with Tony and her dating. Yes Tony isn't a skinny guy, but he's a good guy.

But besides him... I swear every weekend she is on this quest to find "the one." This wouldn't be so bad if her actions didn't end up attracting the wrong guys to her. She goes out, finds a random hot guy she likes in the moment, brings him home and sleeps with him, and then gets upset when he doesn't call her back. She is on every dating site known to man, goes on dates and gets upset over the smallest things, texts me trashing the guys during the dates.... but then goes home and sleeps with him. Last week she had this epiphany after a date and says "I didn't sleep with this guy, I actually think he will respect me more after that." I said "Honestly hun, that is probably true. Giving the guy what he wants after a couple hours isn't going to make him want to come back for more." She's a great girl, but ay yi yi, it's like I want to tell her that after every date she has because she always, always makes bad choices.

Last night is an example... she wanted to hang out with this guy, she was straight up and told me she only wanted him for sex. But this guy didn't want anything to do with her and hanging out until she told him she just wants sex. Then he is all about her. Today she texts me saying she felt "nothing" from it and wishes she didn't do it. This happens all. the. time. Every single time she meets someone from the dating sites, craigslist, a club or bar, she sleeps with him that very same night and then wonders what went wrong the next morning when he won't give her the time of day.

So my other friend and I were kind of clueless as to how you approach someone like that.... she asks why no one wants to settle down with her, and we aren't very blunt about it, but we try to hint at maybe why, and it goes right over her head. The few times she agrees, the next night she's out with someone else. She is pretty good with not having her daughter around guys, but her daughter is getting to an age where I wonder if mommy's night time/weekend habits are going to effect her. Her mother is not very happy with what she does when she goes out, but that's a different story. We all try to get it through her head.... and nothing really reaches her.

So.... what would you do? What would you say? Do we need to be more blunt with her, or just let it go? She does ask us why no one wants her, she has had all this surgery done to make her body look "better" which I personally think she looked great before, she has such high standards of guys it truly pushes people away... and I just don't know. I wish I could open her eyes to the "bigger picture" and have her see what she is doing before she gets an STD, or her daughter is affected, or she gets into a bad situation with someone she doesn't know... basically I fear the worst, and not exactly sure how to get that sent to her in a way she won't take offense to it. I don't even know if I should care.

So, ladies of the debates board, what would YOU do, if you were me?
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  #2  
August 13th, 2010, 08:59 PM
foxfire_ga79
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I would be blunt. 5 years is a kind of long time to be friends with someone, and you obviously know each other well. I'm sure she respects your opinion. But you're going to have to make her see that she's doing things the wrong way. Not wrong as in bad, that she's a bad person. But wrong as in she's not going to have the result she wants. I guess the key to that would be to let her know a better way to do it. She's probably dating the only way she knows how. Give her new ideas of ways to meet guys.
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  #3  
August 13th, 2010, 09:15 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,090
Quote:
Originally Posted by foxfire_ga79 View Post
I would be blunt. 5 years is a kind of long time to be friends with someone, and you obviously know each other well. I'm sure she respects your opinion. But you're going to have to make her see that she's doing things the wrong way. Not wrong as in bad, that she's a bad person. But wrong as in she's not going to have the result she wants. I guess the key to that would be to let her know a better way to do it. She's probably dating the only way she knows how. Give her new ideas of ways to meet guys.
Oh we have tried! My best friend has this buddy that she adores and says he's such a sweet guy, so she set her up on a date with M. M saw pictures of him, but said he looked horrible and his pictures looked nothing like him and she was so mad at our friend for setting her up with such a "disgusting" guy. He was a sweetheart, but she said she knows what she deserves and isn't going to settle for any guy that doesn't have those physical characteristics. So he's a nice guy, and I get they didn't click physically, but there has to be a point where she sees that a nice body only goes so far.

We tell her to get away from the bar/club/online dating scene, and try to set her up with known friends or tell her places where we go where good guys are at, but no one fits her criteria. The very strict criteria that usually the *******, only want sex, womanizing guys tend to be. She is VERY blunt with what she thinks of guys that do express interest in her, and it's sad because she is really overlooking nice guys. Guys that would treat her the way she wants to be treated, but she won't give them the time of day.

My friend told her last week that she needs to look at more than just the outside and see who would be good for her child, and she practically yelled at me, so mad saying "I want what I deserve and I won't expect anything less. So until I get what I want I will just get laid and have my fun." I just.... I dont know how to respond to that! I try to approach it nicely, I just can't be that honest with her.

She is just so full of herself it's seriously hurting her chances with anyone. I can be honest to you all, but when faced with her, jeeeze I don't know how to say it. Neither do our other friends. It's one of those things we all say to each other, we tactfully try to tell her, but it is in one ear and out the other! When it comes to being blunt... for some reason it's just really, really hard for me to actually do. I'm too nice
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