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  #1  
September 15th, 2010, 11:33 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,090
I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place right now, and morally not sure what I should do, or if I need to do anything.

To sum up a long history of my friend... my friend Ash is a great friend, but the girl has problems. She has had multiple substance abuse problems, used to be a cutter (she still may, not sure), and despite her trying to clean herself up she is really just a lost soul. I love the girl to death, she looks at me like an older sister. I have been there to "save" her before, but over the past 2 years or so she has been pretty good and had no real problems. Recently it has come to light that her boyfriend has been mentally and physically abusing her, and all of our friends have tried so hard to convince her to leave, she always stayed. Finally about 2 weeks ago she left him, he kicked her out, she had no where to go.

She contacts my old friend Todd, that I have known for 10 years. Not a close friend but is a good friend and he thinks highly of Tony and I. He knows Ash too, hears her story and decides to save her. Wires her 200 bucks to get a hotel room and some food, and he was going to drive from St. Louis to Denver to pick her up and let her live with him for awhile while she straightened herself out. He is all ready to leave, is talking to me, and then Ash won't answer her phone. I try to contact her, no answer. He tries the next morning, still no answer. He goes to work and asks me to try to find her while he's at work. The last few days she essentially has avoided all of our calls. Todd feels pretty much like a sucker for sending her money, and simply says "Lesson learned, I just hope she's not out buying drugs with it."

Last night a friend called me worried about Ash. He is the only one that has been able to contact her, and she's apparently on a huge meth binge with her loser, abusive boyfriend. I find out the night she wired money she called our other friend high off her *** boasting about the meth she's doing... fully knowing we all hate her doing this. This is just as bad as her coke habit she had years ago (and now I doubt she ever fully kicked the habit).

The problem lies within my friend Todd. Now that I found this out, I don't know what to say. I don't know if it's my place to tell him, I don't know if I should try harder to contact her and get her to pull her head out of her ***, I have no idea what to do. It's only 200 bucks, but that's 200 bucks she used a sob story for to get drugs and go back to an abusive boyfriend. 200 bucks from a friend that was trying to help her out of the goodness of his heart. I love my friend to death, she needs help, but I really don't know what to do. I don't know if I should say anything or let my friend find out on his own. I've known this guy a long time, he trusts me, but Ash also trusts me. Right now Ash needs some help and she doesn't open up to many, I am one person she always opens up to (when she answers the phone), I don't know if saying anything will push her away when she needs someone there for support.

I just don't know what to do Tony is lost as well, this isn't cool of our friend at all, but she needs some serious help for these chemical and physical addictions she has had for years. How to get her to realize that, I don't know. She really fell apart after her boyfriend, and my good friend passed away 4 years ago. The day he died was the day my friend died internally. She hasn't been the same and it's heartbreaking to watch... he was her rock, ya know?

I just don't know. Anyone have any advice? Knowing she got drugs with that money is killing me when I talk to Todd, but at the same time, I'm not sure it's my place.
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  #2  
September 15th, 2010, 11:45 PM
Cereal Killer's Avatar I'm climbin' in yo window
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: next to Chuck Norris
Posts: 7,373
I am just going to shoot straight from the hip:

Ash is not your friend. She may have been your friend at one time but, anymore, her friends are her drugs. They will come before you or anyone else. You and Todd are just an end to a means.

You should tell Todd about this incident. The bottom line is, if you or Todd want to help your friend, you have to show a little tough love and Todd needs to be motivated by the fact that he was manipulated and used by Ash for drugs.

Here is the deal: If you don't demonstrate some tough love and cut this girl from your life, at some point...which, in my opinion, has already been crossed, you become an enabler. At this point, this relationship is toxic. It is in your best interest to eliminate it. Best case scenario, she turns her life around. She pays Todd back and everyone lives happily ever after.
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  #3  
September 15th, 2010, 11:56 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,090
Quote:
Originally Posted by StaceyC View Post
I am just going to shoot straight from the hip:

Ash is not your friend. She may have been your friend at one time but, anymore, her friends are her drugs. They will come before you or anyone else. You and Todd are just an end to a means.

You should tell Todd about this incident. The bottom line is, if you or Todd want to help your friend, you have to show a little tough love and Todd needs to be motivated by the fact that he was manipulated and used by Ash for drugs.

Here is the deal: If you don't demonstrate some tough love and cut this girl from your life, at some point...which, in my opinion, has already been crossed, you become an enabler. At this point, this relationship is toxic. It is in your best interest to eliminate it. Best case scenario, she turns her life around. She pays Todd back and everyone lives happily ever after.
True. I do agree on the enabling. I just feel like almost a protector over her (hence her calling me her big sister) and try to be there for her when she probably does need the door closed on her at times. But man telling Todd is going to suck He was so happy trying to help her, wanting to give her a chance away from this abusive guy, give her a fresh start far from home... and she blew it. The girl is 23 years old, time to grow up, but she hasn't... not even her own family turning their back on her has made her wake up. It's sad to watch, even though my interaction with her has been scarce the past 2 years, every time something happens... I just remembered when another mutual friend lent her money (almost 1000 bucks!) to get her life straight... and she did something similar. I always try to see the good in the person despite them not being a good person... it's a fault of mine, it really bites me in the butt at times because I just want people to have the benefit of the doubt, ya know?

Well I suppose I better buck up and talk to Todd tomorrow, soooo don't want to see him let down though Situations like these really suck. I really wish my friend would get her head out of her *** before she kills herself doing what she does. I also wish she would see what she puts her friends through, because most people have left her for her habits, they all didn't want to see her at her lowest point when she was already so low, it hurts us, and I don't think she truly sees that.
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  #5  
September 16th, 2010, 07:39 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,090
I did talk to my friend, he suspected that she got drugs with it. He said he was able to get a text out of her saying she had "emergency surgery" but that's when I told him what our other friend said, and he said he had suspected it was that. Apparently she also told him prior to this that she was battling with addiction between different substances, but he wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and still try to help her. It's a lesson learned, he isn't hurt by it, but he does wish she would at least clue someone in that she is indeed okay, but there isn't much we can do to get her to realize we care about her and worry when she essentially disappears like this with no answer to where she's going.

So the conversation went better than I thought, he had suspected it but just not wanting to admit it, lesson learned.

Hopefully she will wake up one of these days, before it's too late. Shes like a **** cat, and has gone through 8 1/2 lives already, she really needs to wake up before she kills herself or gets killed with the situations she has put herself into.

Thanks for listening though, I knew I should tell him but felt stuck, I do care about her a lot, but there is only so much I can do for other people until they take the initiative and take responsibility for themselves.
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  #6  
September 16th, 2010, 07:59 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Hudson, MA
Posts: 12,814
She has to hit bottom and you and your friend are just slowing down the process. She's not going to stop because you ask her to, she is only going to stop when she's dead, in jail or has lost everything. It is sad, but that is the way with addicts. They are also the best liars. Cut her off. She can guilt you all she wants and call you big sister, but you are not her protector. She is a grown up and she needs to figure this one out herself.
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  #7  
September 16th, 2010, 08:46 PM
MrsSarah1's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: California
Posts: 2,617
Quote:
Originally Posted by StaceyC View Post
I am just going to shoot straight from the hip:

Ash is not your friend. She may have been your friend at one time but, anymore, her friends are her drugs. They will come before you or anyone else. You and Todd are just an end to a means.

You should tell Todd about this incident. The bottom line is, if you or Todd want to help your friend, you have to show a little tough love and Todd needs to be motivated by the fact that he was manipulated and used by Ash for drugs.

Here is the deal: If you don't demonstrate some tough love and cut this girl from your life, at some point...which, in my opinion, has already been crossed, you become an enabler. At this point, this relationship is toxic. It is in your best interest to eliminate it. Best case scenario, she turns her life around. She pays Todd back and everyone lives happily ever after.

Exactly. Drugs has stolen your friend and she has been replaced by an addict and all the fun things that go along with that. Your "friend" left a long time ago.

i would tell your money loaning friend about the drugs just to prevent future incidents.

But I wouldn't hold this against her. If she cleans up and comes back to earth, you should forgive her. But until then, don't make contact with her. Her only goal in life is to get drugs and she'll do that by any means necessary.
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  #8  
September 17th, 2010, 04:23 AM
*Dayna*'s Avatar Aussie Mama
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,329
Speaking from experience, there is nothing you can do. You can't rush in there and save her. She'll get clean when SHE wants to, and not a moment before.
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