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  #1  
September 26th, 2010, 10:48 PM
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I think I'm buying a plane ticket home. DH isn't sure if he's still in love with me or wants to be with me. I told him that if he didn't know then I wasn't staying around while he figured it out. I told him I deserved someone that knew they loved and wanted me. He told me that he didn't know but to just buy my '******* plane ticket' and it's 'your life and I can't tell you what to do'. I just wanted him to fight for me, you know? Fight for me to stay, fight for his family. But we're not enough. This baby will barely know him, and Chloe will only see him a few times a year. Neither of my kids will have a father that is actually there. I'm devastated. Even more devastated that he doesn't even seem to care that he won't have either of his children or me in his life other than for money and maybe a Christmas present.

My mom suggested we at least make another counseling appointment to just have a neutral, third person there so help us sort everything out, even if that does mean splitting up. He won't go.

I don't know how to do this. I feel like I failed and I failed my kids. I couldn't even keep this together. I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be home either. I just don't want to be anywhere.
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  #2  
September 26th, 2010, 11:25 PM
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  #3  
September 26th, 2010, 11:40 PM
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Lauren, I know how you feel, but you can't single-handedly hold together a marriage. That's not even possible. For the last six months I've thought that you deserved someone waaaaay better who would appreciate you. And I know how awful this seems for Chloe and the baby, but it's much better for this to happen now while they're babies. Whatever you decide to do, we'll support you and be here to listen. How do you feel about flying home and leaving it open ended? Like we told you before, you don't need to make a decision now or tomorrow or a week from now. Just surround yourself with family right now.
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  #4  
September 26th, 2010, 11:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chloe'sMommy View Post
I think I'm buying a plane ticket home. DH isn't sure if he's still in love with me or wants to be with me. I told him that if he didn't know then I wasn't staying around while he figured it out. I told him I deserved someone that knew they loved and wanted me. He told me that he didn't know but to just buy my '******* plane ticket' and it's 'your life and I can't tell you what to do'. I just wanted him to fight for me, you know? Fight for me to stay, fight for his family. But we're not enough. This baby will barely know him, and Chloe will only see him a few times a year. Neither of my kids will have a father that is actually there. I'm devastated. Even more devastated that he doesn't even seem to care that he won't have either of his children or me in his life other than for money and maybe a Christmas present.

My mom suggested we at least make another counseling appointment to just have a neutral, third person there so help us sort everything out, even if that does mean splitting up. He won't go.

I don't know how to do this. I feel like I failed and I failed my kids. I couldn't even keep this together. I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be home either. I just don't want to be anywhere.
I know I don't know you really, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Know that you are not a failure, you can not control him or the choices he makes. All you can do is put an offer to work on things out, out there to him, if he chooses not to then that is on him, it is not your failure. You're not failing your children if you choose to stay or to go, you're doing what you need to get into a happy place.

Can you go a counseling appointment alone if he doesn't want to go? It may help for you to talk it out with someone impartial too.
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  #5  
September 27th, 2010, 12:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jess is Write View Post
Lauren, I know how you feel, but you can't single-handedly hold together a marriage. That's not even possible. For the last six months I've thought that you deserved someone waaaaay better who would appreciate you. And I know how awful this seems for Chloe and the baby, but it's much better for this to happen now while they're babies. Whatever you decide to do, we'll support you and be here to listen. How do you feel about flying home and leaving it open ended? Like we told you before, you don't need to make a decision now or tomorrow or a week from now. Just surround yourself with family right now.
I know I can't hold it together by myself. I just want it so bad, you know? He keeps saying he isn't the one ending it, I am. But I'm not. I just can't be with someone that isn't sure. I know I deserve someone that IS sure and that will fight for me. You're right, it is better to do this while they are babies. I remember my parents divorcing and it was hell. I don't feel good about leaving it open-ended like this. I'd feel so much better if the ends were tied up. Then at least I could have some sort of peace instead of this, "well he doesn't know...maybe he does, maybe he doesn't" bull**** running through my head.

I've never flown without him. I don't know how to navigate an airport or board a plane. He's always taken care of everything. I just don't want this. I love him. I don't want to feel like I wasted the last 5 years of my life for nothing (well not nothing, I have DD..). He's been my life. I don't want to do it all without him. My body aches just thinking about not being with him. I wish he wanted it too, as badly as I do. After everything we've been through, I don't feel like I have much of a heart left at all. I feel like he's taken it all from me, not just my heart but everything I am. I feel like a shell, just so hollow.
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  #6  
September 27th, 2010, 03:59 AM
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I had my parents divorce when I was a child so my advice is probably a little slanted from it. If he is going to keep on yo-yoing with your emotions then he is not worth it. He sounds like he is just putting wore stress on you and the babies and you all don't need that. Next I would go to counceling and set up counceling for you and your dd. At this age it may seem weird or silly to start counceling but she is going to need a way to express her anger and all the feelings that go with divorces. It is a hard row to hoe but you will come out of this a better mommy for it.
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  #7  
September 27th, 2010, 05:38 AM
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It's hard to say as I don't know you nearly as well as the other girls, but it sounds like he's not too into the relationship anymore. If I were you, I would buy a ticket and leave. The saying, 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' is true. Maybe a separation is what you guys need. Go and work on yourself and if he truly decides he wants to be with y ou, then you guys can work it out. I probably wouldn't try therapy again as it would feel like I would be beating a dead horse. But totally your choice of course.

You can do ANYTHING alone, you don't need anyone to navigate the airport or to book your tickets...you can do it all. You're an extremely strong woman and you can stand on your own two feet.

Lots of hugs to you, I have no idea what you're going through right now and just wish you all the best.
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  #8  
September 27th, 2010, 05:48 AM
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Stay strong momma. ((hugs)) Thinking of you.
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  #9  
September 27th, 2010, 06:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jess is Write View Post
Lauren, I know how you feel, but you can't single-handedly hold together a marriage. That's not even possible. For the last six months I've thought that you deserved someone waaaaay better who would appreciate you. And I know how awful this seems for Chloe and the baby, but it's much better for this to happen now while they're babies. Whatever you decide to do, we'll support you and be here to listen. How do you feel about flying home and leaving it open ended? Like we told you before, you don't need to make a decision now or tomorrow or a week from now. Just surround yourself with family right now.
ITA
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chloe'sMommy View Post
I know I can't hold it together by myself. I just want it so bad, you know? He keeps saying he isn't the one ending it, I am. But I'm not. I just can't be with someone that isn't sure. I know I deserve someone that IS sure and that will fight for me. You're right, it is better to do this while they are babies. I remember my parents divorcing and it was hell. I don't feel good about leaving it open-ended like this. I'd feel so much better if the ends were tied up. Then at least I could have some sort of peace instead of this, "well he doesn't know...maybe he does, maybe he doesn't" bull**** running through my head.

I've never flown without him. I don't know how to navigate an airport or board a plane. He's always taken care of everything. I just don't want this. I love him. I don't want to feel like I wasted the last 5 years of my life for nothing (well not nothing, I have DD..). He's been my life. I don't want to do it all without him. My body aches just thinking about not being with him. I wish he wanted it too, as badly as I do. After everything we've been through, I don't feel like I have much of a heart left at all. I feel like he's taken it all from me, not just my heart but everything I am. I feel like a shell, just so hollow.
He's obviously trying to shift blame on you. Jess is completely right though- you can't fix anything by yourself. I would leave under the assumption that things are done and just focus on you and Chloe and the rest of your pregnancy going smoothly. Take it one day at a time and try to not worry about next week or next month. Just get through today, okay? Don't overwhelm yourself. I am so sorry things are rough right now. Lots of hugs and positive thoughts going your way!
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  #10  
September 27th, 2010, 08:58 AM
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I know I don't know you from a hole in the wall, but I would have to agree with what the other ladies have said so far. Major hugs to you. Just take it one day at a time.
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  #11  
September 27th, 2010, 10:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jess is Write View Post
Lauren, I know how you feel, but you can't single-handedly hold together a marriage. That's not even possible. For the last six months I've thought that you deserved someone waaaaay better who would appreciate you. And I know how awful this seems for Chloe and the baby, but it's much better for this to happen now while they're babies. Whatever you decide to do, we'll support you and be here to listen. How do you feel about flying home and leaving it open ended? Like we told you before, you don't need to make a decision now or tomorrow or a week from now. Just surround yourself with family right now.
I agree with every word of this.

You are pregnant and emotional and all this is coming down on your head. I am so sorry. He is trying to turn it around on you..that is what manipulators do. I've known plenty and they are all the same.

Good luck. You deserve to be happy with someone that wants you everyday. Hugs.
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  #12  
September 27th, 2010, 10:52 AM
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You've gotten some really good advice already. Hang in there!
I was pregnant with DD#1 when I started the divorce process from my first husband. It's hard with the hormones, everything feels worse right now than it really is.
Take the plane thing one step at a time. Get your ticket online, get a cab to the air port, and once inside the airport there are TONS of signs for directions. Take a few deep breaths.

Honestly, it sounds like his heart just isn't in it anymore. I know how crushing that feels and I'm so sorry you're going through this. But don't feel bad for your LO's. They need a happy mommy, and if mommy is sad a lot because daddy is barely there for her, then they will pick up on that. The best thing you can do for your kids is take good care of yourself. That includes emotionally.
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  #13  
September 27th, 2010, 10:53 AM
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You didn't fail anyone- HE did. He has been pulling this crap for awhile now, if I remember correctly.

You will find out you are tougher than you ever imagined. However, I am still sorry you are going through this, I know how it feels to have your spouse bail when you are pregnant.
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  #14  
September 28th, 2010, 03:41 PM
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How is everything going?
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  #15  
September 28th, 2010, 04:53 PM
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How are you? Did you make a decision? I hope everything is okay.
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  #16  
September 28th, 2010, 05:04 PM
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Lauren, while your husband is being apathetic and selfish, focus on what you and the kids need. He can fend for himself while you make alternate plans. If he has a change of heart while you're making other plans, you can always try to work through things with him.....if you still want to at that time. You didn't fail at anything.
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  #17  
September 28th, 2010, 05:06 PM
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Hope everything is going tolerably for you and that he's possibly pulling his head out of his behind in honor of his family. :/
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  #18  
September 28th, 2010, 06:04 PM
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I talked to my mom. She's contemplating getting a divorce as well. She asked if I'd want to move in with her if she goes through with it (since I wouldn't have a job yet) and I said probably since I wouldn't have anywhere else to go at first.

Right now, DH (Matt) has told me he wants to continue counseling (we've only gone twice) and see where that takes us. I'm still wary, still nervous and worried. I need to think about Chloe and this unborn child before myself and before him, something I haven't ever really done because he's been my life for a long, long time. But my kids and their happiness come before anything, so whatever choice I end up making, it will be with them in mind, not myself.

I know I can leave if I need to, I've found the tickets, have a place to go, and have my parents completely behind me and supporting me. My dad has been calling saying he'd be at the airport to pick me up anytime if I needed him. It's comforting knowing my family supports whatever choice I make.

Right now I'm still here, and I'm not making any promises either way, I just know that in the end, it'll be okay because it has to be. I have kids to take care of, and as long as they're okay, I'll be okay. We'll see what happens.
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  #19  
September 28th, 2010, 07:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Chloe'sMommy View Post
I talked to my mom. She's contemplating getting a divorce as well. She asked if I'd want to move in with her if she goes through with it (since I wouldn't have a job yet) and I said probably since I wouldn't have anywhere else to go at first.

Right now, DH (Matt) has told me he wants to continue counseling (we've only gone twice) and see where that takes us. I'm still wary, still nervous and worried. I need to think about Chloe and this unborn child before myself and before him, something I haven't ever really done because he's been my life for a long, long time. But my kids and their happiness come before anything, so whatever choice I end up making, it will be with them in mind, not myself.

I know I can leave if I need to, I've found the tickets, have a place to go, and have my parents completely behind me and supporting me. My dad has been calling saying he'd be at the airport to pick me up anytime if I needed him. It's comforting knowing my family supports whatever choice I make.

Right now I'm still here, and I'm not making any promises either way, I just know that in the end, it'll be okay because it has to be. I have kids to take care of, and as long as they're okay, I'll be okay. We'll see what happens.

******* but he is jerking you around.

Here's my experience. Once someone says they're not quite sure if they love you, you've lost the foundation. I know you love him so much and hurt when thinking about not being with him, but he's obviously not feeling the same way. Your hurt will fade in time, and one day I know you'll find someone who feels that way about you. You deserve no less.

If it was just this incident, I'd say he's confused and to give it a chance. But this combined with the picture swapping incident tells me that he's missing a maturity bone, and just isn't "there" to give you what you need. That's not a failing on your part, but on his. I don't think he's mature enough to be married or he wouldn't be swinging you and him back and forth like this.
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  #20  
September 28th, 2010, 07:27 PM
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Originally Posted by MissTorrieIfYou'reNasty View Post
******* but he is jerking you around.

Here's my experience. Once someone says they're not quite sure if they love you, you've lost the foundation. I know you love him so much and hurt when thinking about not being with him, but he's obviously not feeling the same way. Your hurt will fade in time, and one day I know you'll find someone who feels that way about you. You deserve no less.

If it was just this incident, I'd say he's confused and to give it a chance. But this combined with the picture swapping incident tells me that he's missing a maturity bone, and just isn't "there" to give you what you need. That's not a failing on your part, but on his. I don't think he's mature enough to be married or he wouldn't be swinging you and him back and forth like this.
You make a lot of sense. Not that you're doing this, but I don't want to be lumped into that group of women who are seen as doormats to their husbands. The ones that are weak and can't survive on their own, I don't want to be viewed like that. That's how I'm afraid I'm coming off, maybe because I see those qualities in myself right now or maybe because that's what I don't want to become.

My head's a mess right now, I don't think I'm in the position of making any decision right now. That's why I want to also go to some counseling on my own. To help me sort out what I do want and what would be best because right now, I don't even know which way is up or what I'm doing tomorrow.
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