I'm done

Jacquie · #1 January 5th, 2006, 09:38 AM

I've had enough. I'm not anxious or actively mad or anything, I've just resigned myself to the fact that it's not going to happen.

I started out thinking that it would happen right away, so we planned to only BD on the days that I was more likely to conceive a boy. It did happen right away, but I m/c'd. Then after a few more months of that mentality, I decided we would increase the BD'ing, and not worry about the gender. I started cycle 8 over the holidays, and I've had enough. I have been temping and checking CP and CF since the beginning. I have the CB monitor, have tried Robitussen and Pre-seed even though I always get CF. I have had 2 m/c's so far, and have had all the blood tests run by my ob/gyn (everything's "normal"). I can't get a referral to a fertility specialist for another 4 months. I'm now drinking Goji berry juice to increase fertility (among other things), and am considering going to a naturopath to see if anything can be done there. I have now tried more things than I would have ever thought possible, and the thought of babies makes me cry. Literally.

I'm sorry for whining, I know that there are lots of women who have been ttc for longer, I have just reached a point for me where I can't keep doing this. I don't mean to say that we're not ttc anymore, but I'm no longer using my monitor or charting. I still take my temp, but I just write it down on a piece of paper and don't pay any attention to it. I don't know how this sounds to everyone, I promise I do still have a sense of humor where all this is concerned, I just lost my positive "It'll happen" attitude. I thought at first maybe I was just having a bad day, but my bad day has now lasted a week and a half...

Thanks for listening

#2 January 5th, 2006, 09:46 AM

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down, Jacquie. I won't pretend I totally know how you feel, since I've never had to deal with m/c; but I definitely know how it feels to get a BFN. It hurts like nothing has ever hurt before.

I am soooo praying for you to get pregnant this year and have it stick. Please don't give up.

ravensunset1980 · #3 January 5th, 2006, 09:58 AM

Oh, Jacquie. I know how you feel. I haven't done a lot to TTC, but I've done what I can. I'm sorry you're going through this. it's not fun, i know. I really don't know if there is anything in the world that I can say to make you feel a tad bit better, but all i can actually give are ((hugs)) even if it's through cyberspace. you're a great girl Jacquie, I luv ya lots, and it breaks my heart reading your post. you know what is best for you. I really hope it happens for you, and soon. i mean, like you said, your doc said you're normal, and that's great. I'm sorry you had m/c in the past, those are always sad to hear/read about. ((hugs)) i can't stop giving you enough hugs. i gave up temping last month, and it was great to relax and not worry, but now i'm more than ready to try everything. LOL. hope all goes well for you. Good luck. luv ya

DreamChaser · #4 January 5th, 2006, 10:01 AM

I am sorry Jacquie that you are feeling down, but I must say I completely understand - I realized the other day how much I have in a way given up hope when my temp spiked one day and I thought about the possibility that I may have O'd and thought "oh great that means AF will be here just in time for our anniversary" - I have resigned myself to the outcome that always happens for me - AF

I am still trying, but I am not as aggressive as I was - it is almost like what is the point - trying hard gets me nowhere. I have never had a m/c so I can only imagine how much more frustrating the whole process has to be for you. Hang in there - I hope and pray you get your sticky BFP soon.

Phoenix Rising · #5 January 5th, 2006, 10:08 AM

Oh sweetie I totally understand how you feel. After 35 months of trying but not charting or temping and just letting nature take its course, then two months of charting and all the stress involved I too am ready to throw in the towel.

I dont know if we will be ttc at all if we dont get pregnant this month. I am too mentally tired. We did everything right this month so if it doesnt happen now I figure its just not going to.

I think of you often and I know your pain after your losses - I have two angels myself.

HUGS

Jacquie · #6 January 5th, 2006, 10:29 AM

Thank you all for your kind replies and hugs. I really appreciate it, and it made me smile, so that's a good thing

Donna, I know exactly what you mean. DH is planning a trip in March, and I told him it couldn't be during the second week because I would be ovulating. Never once even occurred to me that if I was pregnant it wouldn't matter. This is just what I do now, every month, why would March be any different?

It does help, talking to you guys and knowing that people know how I feel. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and I hope everyone here gets their BFP's and goes off to join DDC's.

DH and I had a conversation the other night after BD'ing, and he apologized because he didn't think he was deep enough (sry tmi) to get the little guys all the way in there. I asked him if he enjoyed the BD'ing. He said "Yes, but...", and I said "Don't worry about it. We don't seem to be getting pregnant even under the best of circumstances, so we may as well just enjoy our sex life and not think about it.". I wasn't being pouty or bitter, it was just how I felt. I was kind of surprised I actually let it come out of my mouth though, it was kind of like admitting defeat.

Lisa P. · #7 January 5th, 2006, 10:32 AM

oh hun, I can totally relate to the feeling of defeat...it sucks!!! I often say "after this cy I'm THROUGH!" But then the DH convinces me to try for one more month.

A little piece of advice? GET OFF THE GOJI JUICE.
Could totally be my imagination but when I was on it I was a B**CH!!! I couldn't see the bright side of anything. We call it "Grouchy Juice" in our house now. I'm not saying that the way you are feeling isn't valid because it TOTALLY is. The month I took that stuff was probably our worst ttc month ever. I was foul!! Wierd, I didn't even KNOW it helped with fertility. I was taking it to feel healthier and more energized. hmmm....

Jacquie · #8 January 5th, 2006, 10:42 AM

Quote:

oh hun, I can totally relate to the feeling of defeat...it sucks!!! I often say "after this cy I'm THROUGH!" But then the DH convinces me to try for one more month.

A little piece of advice? GET OFF THE GOJI JUICE.
Could totally be my imagination but when I was on it I was a B**CH!!! I couldn't see the bright side of anything. We call it "Grouchy Juice" in our house now. I'm not saying that the way you are feeling isn't valid because it TOTALLY is. The month I took that stuff was probably our worst ttc month ever. I was foul!! Wierd, I didn't even KNOW it helped with fertility. I was taking it to feel healthier and more energized. hmmm....[/b]

LMAO Grouchy Juice

I love that. Well, I don't think the goji juice is responsible for my feelings of defeat, because I just started taking it this morning, but I will keep an eye out for the foul mood thing - and I'll warn DH! I will keep taking it, since we ordered a case of it, and since I'm willing to try just about anything including rubbing those stupid African fertility dolls.

I don't know if the juice will do a darn thing or not, that's just how desperate I've become. This is what I was told about the juice and fertility:

Quote:

In women, goji is said to have an unmatched ability to restore jing (reproductive essence). In men, goji polysaccharides have been found to extend the life of sperm cells, and also were shown to be potent inhibitors of stress-induced structural degradation and cell death in testicular cells.[/b]

Lisa P. · #9 January 5th, 2006, 10:47 AM

Quote:

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Quote:

oh hun, I can totally relate to the feeling of defeat...it sucks!!! I often say "after this cy I'm THROUGH!" But then the DH convinces me to try for one more month.

A little piece of advice? GET OFF THE GOJI JUICE.
Could totally be my imagination but when I was on it I was a B**CH!!! I couldn't see the bright side of anything. We call it "Grouchy Juice" in our house now. I'm not saying that the way you are feeling isn't valid because it TOTALLY is. The month I took that stuff was probably our worst ttc month ever. I was foul!! Wierd, I didn't even KNOW it helped with fertility. I was taking it to feel healthier and more energized. hmmm....[/b]

LMAO Grouchy Juice

I love that. Well, I don't think the goji juice is responsible for my feelings of defeat, because I just started taking it this morning, but I will keep an eye out for the foul mood thing - and I'll warn DH! I will keep taking it, since we ordered a case of it, and since I'm willing to try just about anything including rubbing those stupid African fertility dolls.

I don't know if the juice will do a darn thing or not, that's just how desperate I've become. This is what I was told about the juice and fertility:

Quote:

In women, goji is said to have an unmatched ability to restore jing (reproductive essence). In men, goji polysaccharides have been found to extend the life of sperm cells, and also were shown to be potent inhibitors of stress-induced structural degradation and cell death in testicular cells.[/b]

[/b]

hmm....B**CH or Baby...I may have to secretly go back on the grouchy juice. I'll hide it in the fridge at work. ha ha....but how do I get the DH to take it? Do you think he'd taste the berries in his coffee???? LOL
Hope your spirits are lifted a bit.

Jacquie · #10 January 5th, 2006, 11:21 AM

Quote:

hmm....B**CH or Baby...I may have to secretly go back on the grouchy juice. I'll hide it in the fridge at work. ha ha....but how do I get the DH to take it? Do you think he'd taste the berries in his coffee???? LOL
Hope your spirits are lifted a bit.

[/b]

You've definitely lifted my spirits (in spite of the grouchy juice)! Thank you

mommie2be1966 · #11 January 8th, 2006, 08:07 AM

Jacquie - I feel your pain. We are starting on cycle #15 with no BFP in sight. On paper 'we' are good to go, my levels are good, Dh's levels are good, it's my darn tubes that are stopping us (my opinion, I still haven't heard from my Dr about this). This cycle that just ended was my first temping, and at least I know WHEN I O.
Get a darn referral to have a HSG done, make sure your tubes are good, and bug, bug, bug for a referral to the Regional Fertility Clinic! I'm also waiting to hear from them as well. I've recently turned 39 and my clock is ticking louder than usual

.

(I know you've heard this before) But, keep your chin up - one day at a time, you never know, it COULD happen without any of the plotting and planning.

Good Luck!