New Here - TTC nearly 5 years

faithhopelove · #1 February 5th, 2006, 09:58 PM

Hubby and I will be married five years in October. We discovered nearly four years ago he has fertility issues and has been on clomid much of that time. He is military and deployed for a good portion of this time as well so I can't see we were always together at the right moment.

In the last year I have noticed I have just accepted we are not going to have a little one. Having sat month after month in the bathroom bawling my heart out at the first sign of "her". Sitting through meals in tears at the pregnant woman at the next table or that beautiful little miracle she is holding or that precious little toddler singing "wing round the wosey". I just had to step away from the pain. I have noticed over the last few months I avoid hubby during ovulation just to keep from the heart ache.

So here I sit tonight.....AF was due last Wednesday and there is no sign of her. My breasts are sore but not unsual for AF. I have been tired, but again not unusual for the hag. I have less of an appetite and some nausea but again I get this just before she shows. I have had cramping off and on but nowhere is AF to be found. So I have even went so far as to check a pregnancy calculator and find our due date would be October 18th, just 16 days after our 5th wedding anniversary.

Do I have hope, yes and no. I just cannot bring myself to test. I cannot stand to see another BFN. Do you have any idea how much money I have spent on tests over the last five years. Some months two brands, convinced it was the test not me. This does not even count the blood tests and the urine tests at the doctor convinced the HPT was not right either.

I have made about 70 trips to the bathroom today to check. I even had a little practice BD with hubby, just to see if she would show. But so far as I can tell nothing yet. I so want to get my hopes up, but do I dare. It is no doubt going to end up sitting in the bathroom crying my heart out.

Not such a great way to say hi and I am new here but so much emotion is going through my mind and my heart now. It is nearly midnight and I cannot sleep. I keep thinking oh this is it and in the very next thought think no its not, you are setting yourself up once again.

So that being said, I guess I will just wait and see what happens. We have decided Wednesday is the day if nothing happens before then.

Wish us luck.

TexMex · #2 February 6th, 2006, 08:04 AM

I'm so sorry the struggles you have been going through

I will keep you in my thoughts and really hope you see that BFP!

I am sending you tons of

in hopes that it will help

Keep us posted ok?

Jacquie · #3 February 6th, 2006, 08:05 AM

First of all, welcome to JM - the girls here are very supportive and helpful.

Second, thank you for sharing your story, I think that there are a lot of us that can relate. I haven't been trying for as long as you have, but I do understand the feelings that you're talking about. My husband never seems to be in town at the "right" times either, and that just adds to the frustration and heartache.

I'm very sorry for everything that you have been through.

Did you experience any extra stress last month around when you *should* have ovulated? Is there any reason for you to think that you could be late because you ovulated late? If I were 6 days late, I would test (and I never test unless I'm late), but I can DEFINITELY understand your hesitancy in doing so.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and let us know how it turns out. We will be here for you no matter which way it goes, and I'm keeping everything crossed for you!

iamkc · #4 February 6th, 2006, 10:44 AM

Welcome to JM! Like Jacquie said, you'll find that the women here are extremely supportive...but it sounds like you MAY not have to be here long!

I would test. I understand why you have held off, but if you DID ovulate at the right time, then there's a reason for the lateness...hopefully, pregnancy. Do you check your temperature, use OPKs, any of that stuff that would have given you an O date?

I know that you've already spent a lot of money and that the results of HPTs are potentially heartbreaking, but finding out would put your mind at ease.

Please let us know...and, of course, best of luck. I hope that this turns out to be the best anniversary present ever!

faithhopelove · #5 February 6th, 2006, 06:49 PM

Thanks for the welcome but AF showed this morning. I tried to be all brave at first and act like it was nothing but that last about two seconds and just started crying and hubby held me. I had to go to work so I cried some more on the way. By the time I got to work I had convinced myself it was implantation spotting but that soon became obvious it was not the case.

I am incredibly disappointed but not surprised. And once I got to work I just moved on with life as I have the last five years.

I just don't understand why some women can have so many babies and we can't have one. And those that hurt or abuse their babies, it just rips my heart right out from me. We have so much love to give a little one but can't and those that don't give a rats hiney about their little miracles.

I think we need to check into other options. Perhaps fostering or adoption or finding another outlet for our love we have to share.

iwantababy19 · #6 February 7th, 2006, 12:33 AM

WOW! 5 years. Hun you SO SO SO deserve that BFP....Good Luck!!!

groovie · #7 February 7th, 2006, 03:17 AM

Im sorry she showed and that you've been having such a hard time. Life seems so unfair sometimes and it's hard to understand why things happen they do. Good Luck

SurroMamma1 · #8 February 11th, 2006, 05:27 AM

I am so sorry hun that you are going thru this. Me and DH TTC for 3 years before we got PG, which ended in M/C, the despair of even thinking that it would take that long again was devistating. For some reason, it didn't tho. But I want to say that I do understand month after month being devistated and frustrated wondering why God dosen't allow us to be PG....it's not fair. I wouldn't stop trying tho. Have you looked at other options perhaps? Not sure what exactly is out there, but maybe a fertility clinic can help. I know 3 years is a lot less than 5, but I beleive that I understand a bit how you must be feeling. Take care...my prayers are with you