[crowdreamer]

Well, I thought it was about time I get all this grief out of my head and into words, even if I am the only person it helps.

Last Friday night I entered Cycle 11 of trying to conceive. My husband and I have been trying since May of 2005. While DH already has one child--my 11-year-old step-son--this would be my first (if only I could succeed). I am 34 years old and will be 35 in one month (April 1). DH is 43.

When I first started this journey, I thought, like most women do (I think), that we would try for a couple of months and it would just happen. That's the way it happened for my best friend, who got pregnant and is having her second baby delivered by c-section next week. That's the way it happened for my sister, both times. In fact, the first time she wasn't even trying, it just "happened".

Yes, ten months ago I had no idea I would be measuring my temperature every day, obsessively reading 20 messages a day from other women searching for clues as to what could be the missing factor in their attempts, waiting anxiously every month to see if any spotting shows or not, spending two weeks out of the month wondering if that pinch in my abdomen was a fertilized egg implanting. I know all the "lingo"--basal body temperature, ovulation prediction kit, laproscopy, polyovarian cyst. I know what all the acronyms mean--AF, CD, BD, B/W, LP, EWCM. I know exactly how long my luteal phase is, exactly when my period should be here, exactly how many days I spot before the heavy part of my bleeding gets here. I know that I ovulate the day in between getting a plus on an ovulation prediction kit and the day my temperature spikes. I know what my temperature is supposed to be before and after I ovulate. I know that one day before I get my period, my temperature drops.

I take evening primrose oil, vitex, and guafanesin (for egg white cervical mucous!). I know how many sperm my DH produces. Later today, I will find out my hormone levels. Later this month, I will have a laproscopy to check for endometriosis and blockages. Next month we will start with intra-uterine injections (artificial insemination) and a fertility drug called Clomid. I use a lubricant called "pre-seed" every month so that DH's sperm aren't killed.

Yes, I am suddenly a fertility expert. But what I don't know, is this: I don't know what it feels like to go through the greatest pain I've ever experienced followed by the greatest joy I've ever experienced. I don't know what it's like to stare into the eyes of another living being and see my eyes staring back. I don't know what it's like to have little hands grab mine and pull me into the living room to make another mess to replace the one I just cleaned. I don't know what it's like to have a tiny voice call me by a different name than anyone else in the world calls me. I don't know what it's like to get a card on Mother's Day. I don't know what it's like to go to a high school graduation and be more proud than I've ever been.

And worst of all, I don't know if I'll EVER experience these things, although I hope I will. I hope to God I will, because I know that out of all the women out there, I know I can appreciate these things, having lived so long without them.

[crowdreamer]

We're headed for Chicago tonight to visit my sister and her family--woohoo! I'm hoping this trip will keep my mind off of ttc for a few days anyway. I'm not even going to bring my basal body thermometer. This will be the first time in 4 months that I haven't taken my temperature almost ever day.

Next week on Wednesday, I have an appointment with my OB/GYN to discuss the upcoming laproscopy, scheduled for the 23rd. She will be looking for endometriosis and/or blockages of the fallopian tubes. At the appointment next week, I will find out my hormone levels, and we'll go over DH's latest s/a.

Friday of next week is when I am supposed to ovulate. I'll buy the OPK's on Tuesday or Wednesday and start using them, and probably get some more pre-seed (sperm-friendly lubricant). I'm already starting to take evening primrose oil and vitex again, to increase my CM.

I was hoping for a Halloween baby, but I'll settle for a Thanksgiving baby.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention--my best friend is having a c-section tomorrow. I won't be here, which is disappointing because I had planned on being present for the birth. But she will have plenty of moral support, and maybe it's better that I'm not reminded of what I cannot do right now.

I will see her as soon as I get back, and I imagine that I will experience some jealousy when I see her new baby. But I am also really happy for her, and happy to provide the support that she needs through her post-partum period.

[crowdreamer]

Well, I am frustrated at the least with my OB/GYN. She scheduled my laproscopy for March 20th (I actually thought it was scheduled for the 23rd but the nurse never penciled it in). At the pre-op appointment, she never asked me where I would be in my cycle at that time. I will be 11 or 12 dpo then.

Nobody ever asked if they needed to give me a blood test to check for pregnancy. When I brought it up, the nurse scheduled me to come in on Monday, at which time I will only be 4-5 dpo. Everything I have read about blood tests says this is too early to tell if I am pg.

So I'm wondering if she is going to test me on the day of the lap or not. I have decided to call and ask about it because I don't want to risk losing a baby if I am pg.

At least we know more about the results of our tests though. My hormone levels are great, no problem with ovulating or anything.

DH's sperm counts are a little low. He will go see a urologist, and we may have to do IUI's to make things work. Or he may go on clomid.

Also, I found out that I have some abnormal cervical cells that were discovered during the last pap smear. My dr. is going to biopsy my cervix at the same time as the lap. to see if they are HPV cells. If so, I need to be tested regularly to make sure I don't get cervical cancer.

We will be going to see my best friend and her new baby tonight. He is now 7 days old. I'm a little jealous though.

[crowdreamer]

I'm having my laproscopy on Monday. I'm not nervous at all though. The only thing that makes me nervous is that my OB/GYN moved it up from the day I was supposed to get AF to 10 dpo. I will have a blood test the day of the procedure, but I'm scared that maybe I will be pg and the test won't show it. I plan to POAS that morning too, just to double check.

I got a prediction from the ivillage parenting boards from someone who is supposed to be psychic, and she said I would get a BFP in June. That would mean 3 months of IUI's before I am successful. I hope she is right, or that if she is wrong that it will happen earlier.

I play the Sims 2 all the time at home. My character on the game has had her child, and it was a girl. We named her Anna Jewell. If I can't have my dream in real life, at least I can act it out on the silly game.

[crowdreamer]

Here I am, 10 days past my laproscopy. My OB found some mild endometriosis, and one of my tubes was blocked, but she was able to force dye through it. The surgery wasn't bad, except that I had to wait 5 hours (more than 2 of those hours were spent in the "holding" area lying on a hospital bed with an IV in my arm). When I awoke, I didn't have any sickness from the anesthesia but had some bad pain from the procedure and was given pain meds in my IV. After that, I was fine with the help of my little friends, Oxy and Contin.

The pain lasted about a week. I still have itching but I'm much better. Last night was the first night DH and I were able to BD without it hurting me. My cervix has been really sore because of the biopsy my OB did during the surgery (came back negative, thank goodness!). But it's finally feeling better.

Had my post-op appointment last Friday. The doc. gave me a shot of Lupron for the endo that she couldn't remove, and wants to give me another shot of it next month. And then I would go on birth control pills for a month to get my hormone levels. That means I can't even TRY to get pregnant for three more months. I am seriously wondering if I can get her to not give me the Lupron next month.

I don't understand why she wants me on Lupron anyway. All it does is help with pain relief, it doesn't clear up the endo or make you more fertile! I have had such bad experiences from hormones. When I was on depo provera for birth control (both times), it took me several months to get my periods back and then my cycles were screwed up for months more. I really hate to think that I might not get my period back right away, and have to wait all that extra time, and for what?!?

My 35th birthday is 3 days away. DH's 44th b-day is the end of May. Infertility sucks. It sucks the life out of you.

On the other hand, there have been some benefits to waiting. I don't feel quite as stressed out as I have been, not charting or wondering if this is "the month" for us. I've come to realize that I have to do something besides obsess over getting pregnant to keep myself happy. And that's a good thing, because someday I WILL be a mother, one way or another, and I need to be happy with myself after the rush of having kids (or adopting) has worn off.

[crowdreamer]

Good news! I called my OB, and asked if I could skip next month's lupron shot and go directly to BCP's, and she said yes! Woohoo! Plus, she just left me a packet of BCP's at the front desk for me to pick up directly, so I didn't even have to pay for them.

I will start taking the pills on April 23rd, and if everything goes right, I'll start taking clomid the end of May and be able to do our first IUI towards the beginning of June. We may just have a BFP right around our handfasting date! Wouldn't that be a great one year anniversary present.

Now if I can just make it through the next few weeks...I've got a trial this week, and a trial next week, and our bankruptcy hearing the following week. I am really stressed out by all this. I can't wait to get out of the practice of law.

[crowdreamer]

Stress is killing me right now. I need to do something about the anxiety or I'm going to bite somebody's head off and I don't want to do that! I am looking into going back to school and changing careers, but until that happens I am stuck doing what I'm doing and I need to find a way to relax. I think I'll see my dr. about anxiety pills or something. Counseling isn't helping either.

I started taking BCP's Sunday, and fortunately they didn't make me sick like they used to do. I didn't throw up or anything! I was all excited because I didn't get AF this month, but then I read that the Lupron causes almost 75% of women to lose their AF's the first month. So I guess that's normal. I took two HPT's just in case, and both came back BFN, so I think it's safe to say I'm not pg.

We'll be coming up on one year of trying the end of May. But we'll also be trying our first IUI soon after that, so that may give me some hope.

[crowdreamer]

Okay, since I can't ttc for another few weeks, I'm going to complain. One thing I hate about this whole thing--"helpful" advice. I have heard it all--I should take B6, EPO, V-8 splash, baby aspirin, Vitex, Fertilaid, I should eat less sugar, no artificial sweeteners, more green veggies. I should stop stressing, I should try such and such positions, such and such times of the month, use pre-seed, use no lube, use vegetable oil, use egg whites, etc. etc. etc. My personal favorite--from my family, who have all been overweight during periods of time in their lives (my mother still is)--I need to lose weight! That will solve all my fertility problems.

Granted there are some people who have tried certain of these things and gotten pregnant the next month. But does that mean that one thing was the "golden solution" that will work for everyone? I've already tried most of them and they haven't worked for me.

Could it just be that my body has problems getting pregnant, period? I mean, that happens sometimes, right?

Sigh. I wish they'd all leave me alone. They're driving me crazy.

[crowdreamer]

Well I'm back TTC, and while it was good to take a break it's even better to be back at it again. We had our first IUI! Last Friday, June 2. I was supposed to ovulate over Memorial Day weekend, and was afraid our OB would be out of town. But, because of the clomid (from what she says), I o'd late, and didn't get a + OPK until Thursday evening around 5:00 p.m. I called the OB's office the next day and they fit me in at 4:30 in the afternoon.

Ok, this may be gross to others, but DH and I had to collect the "sample" at home. We brought it into the office, and they said there were millions and millions of swimmers, that his count was high. The IUI itself hurt, they couldn't fit the first catheter in so they had to try with 2 others. I was cramping and pinching so bad. I cramped the rest of the night after it.

But I am so so very hopeful this month. This has GOT to be it!! We will find out right around our 1st anniversary. I will test on June 14th.

[crowdreamer]

Oh, the wait is killing me!!! I want to not obsess, because every time I have obsessed I've gotten a BFN. But I can't help it! Two more days to go til I can test. Temps are still high, and no spotting yet. I'm somewhere 8-10 dpo, and 10 dpiui. Please let this one be it!

[crowdreamer]

I can't take it anymore!!! ARGGHH!!!! I have to know! I am feeling crampy right now, which is unusual until the first day of AF. But I don't have any spotting even. Good sign, perhaps? Just like every other month, I am reading a lot into every little symptom. Lots of creamy CM, temps are way high still, and very hungry all the time.

Crossing fingers! I'll test tomorrow a.m.

[crowdreamer]

AAAARGGGHHH!!!!! Got a BFN this morning. Plus, I have been making "bathroom checks" every few minutes because I feel crampy, and on the last "check" I got some red streaking. Not a lot, mind you, but enough that I'm starting to feel pretty doubtful. I think it will all be over in a day or so.

[crowdreamer]

Okay, first I have to obsess a little. Here are the signs that AF is coming:

--cramping real bad, for the last couple of days
--spotting yesterday afternoon, now gone
--big temp drop this morning (this is the one that I think is the biggest indication she is on her way)
--tested and got a BFN

So while I think she's on her way, I also want to list the signs that COULD be related pregnancy, because I didn't want to post them on any forums and then have to swallow my hat when it turned out to be false:

--frequent urination today and yesterday
--cramping like AF, but also pinching cramps. Had a real bad cramp last night when I stood up from the couch, so bad that I couldn't stand up straight. Right down below my belly.
--spotting went away
--increased sex drive
--CM is usually REALLY dry this time of the month, yet DH And I were able to BD last night with no lube and it was fine.

So the verdict is still out, but I'm leaning towards AF because of the temp. drop. Although I'm hoping it was just an implantation dip.

Last night I was in the guest bedroom, which would be the baby's room if we could ever have one, ane one thing I realized about this whole infertility mess is that, most couples go through that eager stage before they get pregnant, where they admire cute litttle baby clothes and dream about how the nursery would look. But then they get pregnant and they actually get to DO something about it, plan it out and such. I am stuck, stuck in this loop where every month I start thinking about planning how I would arrange the nursery or what things I would need to buy, but then I never get to actually start on it.

There have been a few times when I've broken down and bought things at a garage sale in anticipation of someday having a child. I bought a stroller, and one of those little baby carrier things you strap onto you. But I've long since stopped buying things, wondering if I was just wasting my money. I hope I know someday before menopause, I don't think I can take another year or 2 or 5 of this. That would be a nightmare.

[crowdreamer]

AF came, last Thursday night. I am disappointed, but not just miserable about it like I thought I would be. I am more disappointed that

1. I have to wait all over again, for the umpteenth time
2. I feel like I threw our money away.

I just learned today from someone who has had 3 IUI's, that washed sperm only lasts 8 hours. So that means if we didn't o the Friday we had the IUI, there's no way it would have worked. So I'm wondering if we need to look into finding a place that does better monitoring, and an ultrasound and such. Because sometimes I get 2 days of + OPK's before I actually o. And this time I probably didn't o until Saturday or Sunday, which would have been too late, and we may not have been able to get the OB into the office over the weekend either.

Now I have to wait another week or so to monitor for o again. We are going to try naturally this cycle, and try to pay down our IUI bill before we try again.

[~Helen~]

Hi hun.

You must stay positive!!! Easier said than done i know!!

Don't feel bad about buying baby things!!!!

I have spent a fortune on lil girl things in the hope that one day we will use them!!!

I'm sure one day we will both be using the things we have bought!!!!

Good luck hun XXX

[crowdreamer]

Thanks for the support.

I have to stop trying for now though. This is really hurting bad, and I don't think I can take it any longer. We've now had 13 cycles of trying, and 8 cycles of charting my temps. One laproscopy, one IUI, and every test you can imagine.

This cycle was particularly hard. AF was due yesterday. I got cramps and started spotting slightly yesterday afternoon. I cried, I was sad, I accepted my fate. Then this morning, the cramps went away, the spotting went away, and my temps were still high. So of course, I tested, and it was BFN. Then the spotting started again.

I can't do this anymore. I can't handle my body telling me there's a chance and then getting my hopes up and then having them dashed to nothing yet one more time.

So, no more charting, no more waiting to o, no more BD'ing 7 days in a row, no more 2ww or 1ww. No more fertility meds, no more pre-seed. I'm just going to live my life like normal and act like I am infertile. I guess I'll just be step-mom for the rest of my life. I can't afford IVF or adoption.

[crowdreamer]

I've calmed down a little since I got AF last week. I had a period of grieving that lasted a couple of days, and now I am feeling better. BUT, I still do not want to continue doing the things I've been doing for so long, that don't seem to be helping at all and continue to stress me out more every month. So I am no longer charging. I will continue to take EPO and baby aspirin every day, because I don't see how it can hurt my health in general. I'll probably start using pre-seed (or no lube at all if there's enough CM) next Sunday and continue that for the week. But no "extra" BD sessions, and no OPK's, and no charting.

Then, if I haven't gotten AF by my dad's birthday (Aug. 13, several days after AF will probably be due), I may test. I can't just wait indefinitely not knowing for sure. I will need to test if AF doesn't show, and I figure that will be late enough.

In the meantime, maybe I can come up with some ways to stop obsessing about this. I'm trying to get interested in other things, I don't remember what I used to do before I started ttc. My life has been revolving around it for what seems like an eternity now.

[crowdreamer]

I am so happy to finally get back here and finish my story. I want everyone to know that, 8 months after my last post, in February of 2007, I finally got my BFP! DH and I had still been "trying" every month, but we did not chart, or use fertility drugs, or have assistance of any sort. I had no real idea when I ovulated. After 20 months of trying, it just happened spontaneously.

So there is a happy ending to this story. And there is an even happier ending. At 10 weeks pregnant, we found out we were having twins! At 28 weeks, my water broke and I spent 2 weeks in the hospital before giving birth to Connor and Aidan on August 3, 2007. They were born at 30 weeks and were only 2 lbs. 12 oz. and 2 lbs. 13 oz. They stayed in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit at the hospital for almost 2 months exactly, which was heartbreaking.

Now they have been home for almost a month, and are gaining weight and doing excellent! They are both over 7 lbs. each. I am living my dream of being a mother, and although I am exhausted, I am loving it so much. They are my dream babies.

Please, please if you are struggling with the same problems, do NOT give up hope! Whatever you do, keep trying! Do whatever you need to do, whether it be "giving up" like I did, IVF, or adoption. I made many friends online who were struggling with infertility, and in the end, almost every single one of them "succeeded" in one way or another. One adopted internationally. One had several IVF cycles but it finally happened for her. Many of them just kept trying and it happened eventually, after numerous tests and procedures. There are a few who are still waiting but I know that it takes years for some, and some take longer than others to seek help.

But it will happen if you want it to. And there are a few who discover that life without a baby is what they needed. If you are not one of those people, don't worry, it will happen for you.

Good luck to everyone here!

I am so happy to finally get back here and finish my story. I want everyone to know that, 8 months after my last post, in February of 2007, I finally got my BFP! DH and I had still been "trying" every month, but we did not chart, or use fertility drugs, or have assistance of any sort. I had no real idea when I ovulated. After 20 months of trying, it just happened spontaneously.

So there is a happy ending to this story. And there is an even happier ending. At 10 weeks pregnant, we found out we were having twins! At 28 weeks, my water broke and I spent 2 weeks in the hospital before giving birth to Connor and Aidan on August 3, 2007. They were born at 30 weeks and were only 2 lbs. 12 oz. and 2 lbs. 13 oz. They stayed in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit at the hospital for almost 2 months exactly, which was heartbreaking.

Now they have been home for almost a month, and are gaining weight and doing excellent! They are both over 7 lbs. each. I am living my dream of being a mother, and although I am exhausted, I am loving it so much. They are my dream babies.

Please, please if you are struggling with the same problems, do NOT give up hope! Whatever you do, keep trying! Do whatever you need to do, whether it be "giving up" like I did, IVF, or adoption. I made many friends online who were struggling with infertility, and in the end, almost every single one of them "succeeded" in one way or another. One adopted internationally. One had several IVF cycles but it finally happened for her. Many of them just kept trying and it happened eventually, after numerous tests and procedures. There are a few who are still waiting but I know that it takes years for some, and some take longer than others to seek help.

But it will happen if you want it to. And there are a few who discover that life without a baby is what they needed. If you are not one of those people, don't worry, it will happen for you.

Good luck to everyone here!

I am so happy to finally get back here and finish my story. I want everyone to know that, 8 months after my last post, in February of 2007, I finally got my BFP! DH and I had still been "trying" every month, but we did not chart, or use fertility drugs, or have assistance of any sort. I had no real idea when I ovulated. After 20 months of trying, it just happened spontaneously.

So there is a happy ending to this story. And there is an even happier ending. At 10 weeks pregnant, we found out we were having twins! At 28 weeks, my water broke and I spent 2 weeks in the hospital before giving birth to Connor and Aidan on August 3, 2007. They were born at 30 weeks and were only 2 lbs. 12 oz. and 2 lbs. 13 oz. They stayed in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit at the hospital for almost 2 months exactly, which was heartbreaking.

Now they have been home for almost a month, and are gaining weight and doing excellent! They are both over 7 lbs. each. I am living my dream of being a mother, and although I am exhausted, I am loving it so much. They are my dream babies.

Please, please if you are struggling with the same problems, do NOT give up hope! Whatever you do, keep trying! Do whatever you need to do, whether it be "giving up" like I did, IVF, or adoption. I made many friends online who were struggling with infertility, and in the end, almost every single one of them "succeeded" in one way or another. One adopted internationally. One had several IVF cycles but it finally happened for her. Many of them just kept trying and it happened eventually, after numerous tests and procedures. There are a few who are still waiting but I know that it takes years for some, and some take longer than others to seek help.

But it will happen if you want it to. And there are a few who discover that life without a baby is what they needed. If you are not one of those people, don't worry, it will happen for you.

Good luck to everyone here!