[♥Ashley♥]

I dont know what I want to say or why im even posting this. I guess I just need SOMEONE, ANYONE to give me some support. I dont have any IRL friends who understand fertility problems, or what im going through. So I have no one who I can talk to when im upset about this stuff, besides my husband who tries to be helpful, but all he ever says is "Itll be okay, itll happen". Im at work and I am trying to compose myself but I keep breaking out in tears. Why is it so hard for me to have a baby? I get it, im lucky that I can get pregnant (EVERYONE says that to me) but thats not enough. Getting pregnant isnt even 1/2 of the battle...and I can never win the other part. The whole thing that is making me feel so bad today is that I was sure I had O'd I had consistent watery cm, then ewcm, then completely dried up. My temps were rising and then today it dropped. Apparantly I havent O'd and all it takes is THAT in a woman who wants a baby so bad and is having problems to make her go off the deep end. Im SO upset. I wanted this to be the cycle. This is the same cycle last year where I got my first BFP, that means it has been a whole year, A YEAR (I know to some thats no time...but thats a depressing milestone to me as im sure it was to all of you who have hit it) and I have no baby...not even a pregnancy to rid me of the sadness I feel.

Im sorry for the vent, I needed somewhere to get my feelings out today. I never, ever, ever in a million years thought this would happen to me, its funny how naive you are before you start ttc, fertility problems NEVER crossed my mind, miscarriage NEVER crossed my mind. And now look at me...three miscarriages later and a whole year and nothing. Maybe im being punished for never thinking anything like this could be me, my life.

[MommaLee]

I'm sorry Ashley...I'm opposite, I had a hard time getting pregnant, but it doesn't make anything easier. I've cried in my office so many times and once in my bosses office because I was so upset about it.

HUGS! I HOPE this is your cycle for a bfp....i would want nothing more for you and all of the other ladies. It's what keeps me on these boards.

[~*Jackie*~]

I'm so so sorry you are having a hard time today, Ash. I really wish I could jump through the screen and give you a big hug. Just know you can vent/cry/scream with us any time at all-- sometimes it makes it a tiny bit better just getting it out.

[♥Ashley♥]

Thanks girls. Im sure as both of you know having the support of all the girls on JM makes ttc alot easier to handle. Im just in a really bad place today, I really feel like my heart hurts. Im about to leave work because I am not productive today...im just sitting here crying on and off.

[~*Jackie*~]

[KMH]

Ashley, I'm so sorry you are having such a rough day. Milestones like one year and two years were very hard for me as well...I felt like I was losing years of my life just sitting around waiting to get pregnant. If it wasn't for my JM friends, I would never have made it through days like that.

I wish I knew what to say to make your heart stop hurting; please know that you aren't alone in this. We all start out very naive and innocent, just thinking that everything will happen quickly and we'll have our little family without even trying. Our struggles bring us a really deep appreciation for things, though, and we will all be better Mothers when the time comes. I hope that your time is just around the corner. ((((HUGS))))

[~Lynda~]

Ashley, don't apologize for venting here, that is what we are for - cause frankly we understand like no one else does!!!! i'm hitting the two year mark next cycle and that's hard to swallow too. I've had 3 miscarriages too!!! so I COMPLETELY know where you are coming from. For me, I just want to know the future. If someone could tell me, OK Lynda, in 14 months you'll be pregnant with a sticky bean, then i'd be ok, even if it took that long... but it's the not knowing if this is what is to be for us, that kills me!!!

big big hugs to you girl. you just have to let your feelings out so they don't stay bottled up inside causing more problems!!! feel free to PM me if you'd like. we've been through alot of the same things.

[snsgirl336]

I'm so sorry that you're having a hard day today. Make sure to lean on these ladies (and the grads too)... they are the absolute best and got me through so much! Try not to worry too much about if you O'd or not- take a look at my chart this cycle. I don't think it would have given me CH's anywhere near my actual O date (I had a trigger) but it all worked out. I'm sure that's not much of a consolation right now, but I don't want you to lose hope!

[midnight_starr]

Ash, I am so sorry.. PM me anytime you want to vent! We can be there for each other, I know I haven't been at this quite as long as you but I have my moments too where I just get down... I hope your day gets better! (((HUGS)))

[KDD]

Ashley you can e-mail me anytime you need to vent or need support.

I'm with Lynda, I could live with the infertility and my loss if I knew exactly when it would happen. Until then I have all of you!

[♥Ashley♥]

Temp went way back up this morning. If I put in two higher temps for tomorrow and Sunday FF gives me CH's for the day when I definitely thought I had o'd! Whoo hoo! SO apparantly I just had a 3DPO dip, which is something i had on one of my bfp charts...just sayin! I have hope again!

Thanks to all of you girls for your comments yesterday, it honestly got me through the day.

[Kari_B]

Big, BIG HUGS!!!!