DreamChaser's TTC #1 Journal

DreamChaser · #1 April 10th, 2006, 10:50 AM

Figured I start one. In case anyone else is reading this, here is my background. I just turned 38 years old, my DH and I have been TTCing our first child for about a year now. My cycles were normally around 32 days long (give or take a day), but once we started to TTC they went to around 43 days long - then my September cycle went 79 days and my December cycle 114 days!!!!! Given my age I was really fearful that I may be experiencing Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) (what they will call it if you start to experience menopause before the age of 40).

On March 9th - I went to my Doctor - she ordered bloodwork for all my hormone levels including Estrogen, Progesterone, FSH, Thyroid, Testosterone, etc.... to see if my long cycles could be due to PCOS, a thyroid problem or my worst fear - POF. After two weeks of waiting and several calls to the doctor, the nurse finally left me a message that everything was normal, but my progesterone was low. In researching as to what this might mean, the only conclusion seemed to be it was because I had not Ovulated yet. For me it was like well Duh - but why haven't I? At the time of my appointment, my doctor had also referred me to an OB/GYN for follow up. I made my appointment the same week, but the earliest I could get in was April 3. In the course of time while waiting for my appointment I finally did O - roughly one week before my OB/GYN appointment - how lucky - I hoped that meant I could get another progesterone test to confirm Ovulation and how my levels were.

At my April 3 OB/GYN appointment the doctor didn't have my March 3rd blood results yet (even though they were supposed to be faxed to her), but she said she was going to request them. In talking to me she told me that my long cycles may be due to the stress of TTCing (since that was when they started getting longer) and my weight gain (fat tends to store estrogen). She perscribed Clomid - 50mg to be taken CD 5-9 and gave me a lab sheet for progesterone bloodwork to be taken on CD 19. She also had me do a progesterone blood test that day since I was 8 DPO. A few days later I got the results of my 8 DPO progesterone level - 10.1 - she was happy since they want to see a level of over 10 for an unmedicated cycle (considering I O'd on CD 102 - I thought it was pretty good).

AF started on Saturday 4/8 (the day before my birthday

) - I filled my Clomid prescription then and will start taking it this Wednesday. I also got some more monitor sticks for my Clear Plan Fertility Monitor. I pray that Clomid will work - of course for a BFP, but at the very least, my prayer is that it helps me to O earlier and make my cycle shorter - I pray that I don't have to wait months to try again.

DreamChaser · #2 April 12th, 2006, 08:29 AM

April 8, 2006 Cycle - CD 5 - Day 1 of Clomid

AF is on her way out and I took my first Clomid tablet this morning. Praying that it helps me O - this cycle will be a success if only that happens (but of course I would be happy with a BFP). It is so hard to wait and wait and wait for ovulation - I also pray that I can relax and trust the meds to work - after all I now know that it isn't my ovaries failing me and that should give me peace.

DreamChaser · #3 April 13th, 2006, 11:46 AM

April 8, 2006 Cycle CD 6 - Day 2 of Clomid

AF & her dog Spot are finally gone - woo hoo. Took my second Clomid pill today - nothing new to report there - no side effects yet, but it is probably still too early. I have my monitor ready to go - trying to get back into the habit of turning it on when I get up to see if it wants me to test. Didn't ask for a stick today - but it should in the next few days. Will be interesting to see what happens.

DreamChaser · #4 April 14th, 2006, 06:41 AM

April 8, 2006 Cycle - CD 7 - 3rd Day of Clomid

Just took the 3rd pill, still nothing really to report side-effect-wise. I thought maybe last night at choir practice I might be having a hot flash - we were all on the stage, with the lights and everything practicing for Easter and I was so hot and sweating - turns out everyone was - right in the middle of practice our worship pastor asked for the a/c to be turned on - Ok false alarm.

One observation I made yesterday though - I had some creamy CM (not some unusual amount, but a noticable amount) - normally the day after my period/spotting stops I either have zero or some sticky CM and then creamy. I don't know if it is due to the Clomid or still some residual effects of taking FertilityBlend (which I stopped taking when this cycle begain, since you really should not take it with clomid).

DreamChaser · #5 April 15th, 2006, 07:37 PM

April 8, 2006 Cycle - CD 8 - 4th day of Clomid

Well I took my next to last clomid pill this AM. Still no real side-effects. I am experiencing a large about of creamy CM though - a little unusual for me this soon after AF in this quantity. It is the kind that gets kind of peaky between my fingers - sometimes even slightly streatchy. I hope it is good sign, but I am also trying not to get my hopes up too much - I want to remain calm and not stress myself out.

I admit I have swings of trust and optimisium that the clomid will cause me to O early and then I have times of utter doubt that it will work at this dosage. I constantly remind myself - it is out of my hands and what will be will be and pray for the miracle I so much seek - to O early would be such a blessing to me. After two long cycles (2 periods within the the last 6 months) - I dread another one - but I also fear that I may cause one if I get to anxious about Oing - I need to stay calm and pray.

DreamChaser · #6 April 16th, 2006, 06:48 PM

April 8, 2006 Cycle - CD 9 - Day 5 of Clomid

Took the last of my clomid pills today - now it is just a wait and see if it does anything. I pray that it does and remind myself, it is out of my hands now.

My monitor asked for its first stick today - got a high reading off the bat - it may be the clomid clouding the results, but I did look at FF's chart gallary and there were some charts that started out with a high reading and a peak was still detected a short while later - so here is hoping that is the case for me.

Still no real side-effects and I am still seeing lots of CM - hope this is a good sign!!!!!

DreamChaser · #7 April 18th, 2006, 11:19 AM

April 8, 2006 Cycle - CD 11 

Nothing much to report - no real side effects from the clomid. My monitor is still reading high and my cm is kind of milky (it is white, but on the watery side). I am trying hard not to obsess over every fertility sign, but it is hard - I want to know if the clomid will cause me to o withing a normal time from in stead of waiting over a month to O again. But I know that if I get to anxious over it, I will stress myself and O will be delayed.

I pray for calm and to trust on God's perfect timing - it seems He is always trying to teach me patience - will I ever learn LOL. Fortunately He is patient with me.

DreamChaser · #8 April 19th, 2006, 07:03 AM

April 8, 2006 Cycle - CD 12

My temps seem to be staying around 97.7 -97.8 - a little on the high side, but stable - I wonder what it means. My nipples are very sensitive today - I wonder if that is from the clomid or a sign of gearing up to O (or both). I don't want to get my hopes up too much because that we cause me to stress and I don't need that. It is so hard - the fear of another long cycle is so big. Sigh - I wonder if I will ever get pregnant.

Monitor is still high and my CM is like milky/lotion-like.

DreamChaser · #9 April 20th, 2006, 09:26 AM

April 8, 2006 Cycle - CD 13

My BBT took a nose dive today - don't know how much of that was to due to the fact that I took one of my blankets off last night (it was warmer than it has been) - or it is a good sign. My nips are still very sensitive - unusual - don't know if it is a side-effect or indication of impending O. My CM still is watery, but since it isn't really clear - I am counting it as creamy. My monitor is still reading high and I am starting my OPK's today (I hate holding my pee).

I am really trying not to get my hopes up too much about Oing earlier - I am afraid that I will stress myself out too much, waiting for the signs that I have. Why does it have to be so hard? Most ladies obsess over the 2WW - my waiting to Ovulate is my obsessive point - and unfortunately it just makes it go that much longer. Sigh

ETA - I just realized I joined JM one year ago today - so I guess we have been officially trying for one year!

DreamChaser · #10 April 21st, 2006, 06:58 AM

April 8, 2006 Cycle - CD 14

I am feeling really discouraged - I don't think the clomid is going to cause me to O early this cycle.

I just don't see any signs of it happening soon - my monitor is stuck on high but I think it is because the clomid threw it off, my cm is kind of watery but there isn't the huge quantities of fluid like I have before O and yesterday's OPK was about as negative as you can get - it took the full test time to come up with the faintest of second lines - if I was gearing up to O there would have been a stronger line. I just know in my heart this dosage didn't help me and now I wonder how long I will have to wait this time. Will this cycle go almost 5 months? Or will my doctor give me something to bring on AF soon and then I have to wait again to see if a higher dosage will work.

Why - all I asked was for the clomid to help me O, I am not expecting a BFP this cycle - all I want is an egg and I cannot even get that!

DreamChaser · #11 April 23rd, 2006, 10:50 PM

April 8, 2006 Cycle - CD's 15 & 16

Well so much for clomid causing your CM to dry up - EWCM is here!!!! It looks like it may be working. Saturday's OPK was definately negative, but Sunday's looked pretty positive - may have been a touch lighter - I am counting a a positive though. Lots of EWCM Sunday night!!!! I hope this mean O is hear and not just my body playing a really mean trick.

DreamChaser · #12 April 24th, 2006, 07:29 PM

April 8, 2006 Cycle - CD 17

Definately Positive OPK today (monitor is still reading high - I think it is off) and lots of EW and watery CM - I think we are really close - if not today, then tomorrow. I am just so happy to think that it appears the clomid helped me and that makes this a successful cycle (even if I don't get a BFP). I would love one so much - it has been a year of waiting and if we catch the egg this time we would be due around our second anniversary - that would be so sweet. But of course I think for that reason alone, we won't get a BFP - it would be too perfect - the cycle started around my birthday and would end around our anniversary - too cool - and stuff that cool never happens to me LOL. But I can dream and pray - what a sweet anniversary gift from God would that be? To give me the gift of a wonderful DH in 2005 and the gift of child in 2007 around the same time.

OK - got to quit it - I don't want to get my hopes up to much - after all the signs are only pointing to O - it hasn't necessarily happened - and I said that would be good enough - I don't want to disappointment myself by getting my hopes sky high - but I will continue to pray and trust that the timing will be right whenever He decides to bless us.

I just got to trust in my faith and hope and pray that my prayers will be answered. He knows the future - I don't.

DreamChaser · #13 April 26th, 2006, 06:18 PM

April 8, 2006 Cycle - CD 19

Did I or didn't I that is the question of the day. Today FF has given me my crosshairs and says I am 3 DPO - it looks like it - my temps have steadily gone up the last three days (97.1 to 97.5 to 97.7 to 97.9), I had positive OPKs and my CM was diffently eggwhite before the O date listed - my typical signs - so why do have some doubt? Well I haven't experienced my usual IBS symptoms - as painful as it got at times - I knew I had ovulated and so far I have some gas, but nothing like I usually have. During my September cycle (the first super long one I had) I had a period where FF gave them to me and I didn't have it either - but my temp never went about 97.7 and peaked that a few times - it definately went up to 97.9 this am. Back then I didn't have the same CM pattern and I wasn't using OPK's at the time.

Maybe it is due to the clomid - I don't know. This cycle has been different so far - I got lots of creamy CM right after AF left - then my nipps were very sensitive just as I started a fertile patch of CM and my sex drive was through the roof (DH says I was downright horny) - so who knows. If it is the clomid I will be happy (of course what to do about other cycles - I could get used to this lack of stomach upset).

I don't know - I am happy in a way, but I cannot get too excited - what if I really haven't O'd and my body is playing a very mean trick on me? I guess I will find out soon - technically since today is CD 19 I should have gotten my blood drawn today, but I am waiting until Friday when I may be 5 DPO - since that would match a CD 19 test if I had O'd on CD 14.

DreamChaser · #14 April 27th, 2006, 09:46 AM

April 8, 2006 Cycle - CD 20

Today's temp was........ drumroll please....... 98.1!!!!! Wow I guess I did O. Too early for any symptoms - but I have already deemed this cycle a success since the clomid helped me O and that is what was my biggest concern. I hope we caught the egg this time because it would be so sweet to be due around our anniversary, but I have been down this road so many times in the past year - hoping I would be a BFP because I would be able to tell my mom she was getting a birthday present or I could tell the parents on mothers day, fathers day or it would be close to my birthday, or DH's or any other special day/moment in our lives, so I am not getting my hopes up. If fact it would be so perfect - my period started the day before my birthday and I would be due the day before our wedding anniversary - it is so perfect that it is pretty much guaranteed not to happen.

To be honest, even with the Clomid I wonder if I will ever see a BFP - I guess that is what happens when you have been at this for a year - you come to expect that it won't happen.

I pray that I am wrong and will be blessed with a miracle soon - I know God can do it - I just pray it is His will.

DreamChaser · #15 April 28th, 2006, 12:39 PM

April 8, 2006 Cycle CD 21

Went to the lab to have my progesterone bloodwork done - my doctor said CD 19 (but I could go between 19 and 21) - since I am 5 DPO and I assume she based it on CD 14 ovulation, then it seemed like this was the best day to go. I hope the number is a good one - my unmedicated cycle on 8 DPO was 10.1 - not bad, but at the minimum level they want to see.

My temp stayed 98.1 - I have a new pastime - overlaying my chart with Michelle and Sandy's - I really shouldn't do it - it is still very early and there is no way to tell - my charts start off nice - it is the last half that they start to look ugly. Soon I will be at the dreaded part when I know that I will take my temp and it will be on the downward path - I always love the first have of the 2WW - there is so much hope - it is the last half that sucks.

So I guess I should just enjoy this part while I can - until the hag starts to circle and my temps start to cool down - I know they will - I have just come to expect it.

DreamChaser · #16 April 29th, 2006, 09:32 AM

April 8, 2006 Cycle - CD 22

Feeling really down about our chances this cycle - my temps are still up (98.0) this morning, but my chart just doesn't have that spectacular climb I see everyone else have - so far my hightest temp is 98.1 and all the other charts I see are way above that.

I am 6 DPO today with means I am about half way through, I suspect by a week from now I will find AF knocking at my door. Why is it so hard? I know I just need to trust in God's perfect timing and He knows what is best and I know the day I finally get my BFP that I will see how perfect His timing was in this situation and understand, but it doesn't make it any easier now. But I just have to trust, hope and pray.

DreamChaser · #17 May 1st, 2006, 10:00 PM

April 8, 2006 Cycle - CD 24

Temp up again 98.3. This is by far the best chart I have ever had, but I am trying not to get my hopes up too much. It is only 8 DPO, and while my LP's are usually 12 days long, there is still lots of time for them to go south.

My boobs still hurt - sometimes I get these shock-like pains - weird and I am so exhausted (it is only 9:55pm and I feel like it is midnight). My CM is creamy, but seems to be normal. I have some on and off cramps and sometimes my stomach feels tight - but I not reading too much into them. Being this is my first cycle of Clomid - this just may be how my body reacts.

If my temps are still up and AF is MIA - I will test on Saturday, but my gut feeling is my temps will be heading south soon - what goes up must come down. This is the part of the 2WW I hate - the waiting for the shoe to drop - the descent downward that eventually leads to the whicked witch. I did get an equate test today (since the only HPT I have is the digital), but I probably just jinxed myself. At least I am prepared for it.

Sigh

DreamChaser · #18 May 2nd, 2006, 01:18 PM

April 8, 2006 Cycle - CD 25

Nothing much to report - temp up again to 98.4. I cannot shake this feeling, in fact it is getting more intense that I am headed for a big let down. I wake up each morning scared that the next temp is going to skydive. I have been trying not to get my hopes up, but it is hard - this chart looks like I have a shot, but I know it doesn't mean anything until it is still up there and AF is MIA. All it takes is one day for everything to go south.

I really feel like crying.

I pray my body isn't playing a very mean trick on me.

DreamChaser · #19 May 4th, 2006, 09:48 AM

April 6, 2006 Cycle - CD 27

I give up - I don't think I will ever see a BFP - I had the great looking chart and still BFN - even worse - my temp went down today - just on time. Even more worse - my progesterone results where 8!!!! Can you believe it - a whopping 8 which means next cycle I have to take 100Mg. I almost wonder what is the point. It is never going to happen - all I want to do is cry right now.

This is our only shot - we cannot go beyond meds - I will never be a mom I just know it. I dread Mother's Day - I will get asked at least a gazzillion times - when are you going to have kids - I don't think I will be able to take it.

ETA - 2 BFP's today on the TTC board - that means another boom is starting - AF will be here soon for sure now.

DreamChaser · #20 May 5th, 2006, 08:15 PM

April 8, 2006 Cycle - CD 28

12 DPO - my typical LP - although I have gone as long as 14 - so I expect to see the witch show up anytime starting tomorrow through Monday.

The next entry will most likely be a new cycle - it is just a waiting game for the hag to show up - I am not getting any hopes up I know she will be here soon. To amuse myself I am using up my HPT's - I don't want them in the house, so I will use one a day until they are gone (even when the hag shows up). BTW the ones I have could NOT be anymore negative - you know a nice evap line once in awhile would be fun. Geez.