broached the subject - UPDATED WITH NEWS

~Lynda~ · #1 January 25th, 2010, 05:19 AM

well gals, i wouldn't say we had the TALK, but we definitely chit chatted about it (that being medical assistance)... it was my Dad's bday this weekend and we were with family till Sunday afternoon. DH was getting ready to go to a buddies house to watch the football games. He asked me if I wanted to come along and usually I'd say yes, but I said no. He asked if everything was ok and I said no. we started to talk about our lack of success. he said, we just have to relax and it will happen. i told him i didn't think so. so he asked if i wanted to seek help. I said, i'm worried about the expense and he nodded. He told me he was going to check into another insurance option we might have and see if fertility was covered. he said he doubted it, but he'd check. that is where it was left. so i planted the seed!

i feel ok about it. i was hoping it would go a bit better, but i know my DH and he has to be slowly introduced to something he's not all that comfortable. so i've slowly introduced him to it!

~*Jackie*~ · #2 January 25th, 2010, 06:06 AM

It sounds like a successful conversation! He doesn't sound like he's against the idea, which is really good! I hope you both get to talk about it a little more soon!!

♥Ashley♥ · #3 January 25th, 2010, 09:46 AM

Thats great!! I was hoping you'd talk with him soon about it! Im glad he saw you were upset and asked about it!! I hope you have some sort of coverage, so you can get the help you want, need, and DESERVE!

Kari_B · #4 January 25th, 2010, 03:12 PM

Glad you were able to at least get the topic on the table. I hope you guys will have sometime soon to sit down and really hash things out and see where you guys are at with it. Keep us posted!

missy123 · #5 January 25th, 2010, 06:54 PM

Lynda - I am shocked that your DH could focus enough to even say that! My BF is glued to the TV during Football season, let alone the play offs

More serious, I am super happy for you. You got the worst of it out of the way. It sounds like he isn't against it which was where your fears were. Great News!!

KDD · #6 January 25th, 2010, 07:18 PM

I'm glad that you started the process with DH. It's sometimes easier to do it in baby steps with men isn't it?

~Lynda~ · #7 January 26th, 2010, 06:37 AM

yes, baby steps with my DH is crucial!!!! if you hit him with something all at once, he kinda shuts down or reacts in a not so great way. especially if it's something he is really unfamiliar with.

well he came home yesterday and guess what, a co-worker at work heard him asking the admin if there was any fertility coverage on this other plan that they carry through work. The Admin told them that they didn't have that kinda coverage because adding it on to the plan was really expensive (due to the fact that the company isn't large) so they decided not to add it to the plan. Well this guy then approached my DH and said that he overheard the conversation. He told my DH that he and his wife have been doing IVF. He then told my DH that they are already in it for $25,000 with NOTHING to show for it. OMG could he have said anything worse!!!! I can't believe my crappy luck. I then proceeded to ask DH if they were successful getting pregnant only to lose their pregnancies. He said he didn't think they were, but they really didn't talk a whole lot of detail. I told him that we have been successful getting pregnant so I feel like it's not going to be total loss. He asked me - what if we spend all this money and you end up miscarrying again, what then?? I was speechless. where do i go from here?

~*Jackie*~ · #8 January 26th, 2010, 09:13 AM

I replied over in TTCwMA. Just sending another hug!

SavaAngel · #9 January 26th, 2010, 11:44 AM

HUGS Lynda! I think you need to set a limit with DH. Our financial limit is IUI. If that doesn't work then we will stop and consider adoption more seriously/earlier than planned. Sometimes God has a way of telling us what we WANT isn't what we SHOULD have.

Good luck!

LindseyMarie · #10 January 26th, 2010, 12:25 PM

I agree.. sit down and decide what your limit is.... it gives him some control feeling in it.

For us, at this point is an IUI. If we get stationed again near a main base w/ a hospital that does IUI/IVF cheaper on base we'll talk about it again.

KDD · #11 January 26th, 2010, 04:08 PM

I would ask him what his fears are. If they're solely financial then definitely set a limit that he's comfortable with. If it's something else, then deal with that. Good luck!

missy123 · #12 January 26th, 2010, 05:04 PM

The ladies above said what I was thinking. Dont get discouraged yet. Come up with a plan and present it to him.

~Lynda~ · #13 January 27th, 2010, 06:06 AM

well gals, it takes alot to get me discouraged. but sometimes it's just hard cause i dwell on the "that guy had to be standing at the right place at the right time to overhear that conversation" what are the odds and how crappy is my luck.

what i am having issues with is first impressions and this guy gave DH a really bad first impression of the whole issue. I know I can change his mind, but it's going to take alot of extra work on my part. i'm feeling very very tired these days and I will rise to the challenge, but right now it just brings me down. I will walk softly right now and take baby steps. Fortunately I know how my DH is and how I will be most successful. I just didn't need this man to come in and poop on it before we even tiptoed in!

thanks for all your caring responses. they really really help! I will keep you posted!

#14 January 27th, 2010, 08:45 AM

Ok so first of all, shame on that man for even saying that to someone asking about fertility coverage!!! Just because it hasn't worked yet for him doesn't mean he should discourage other people from doing it! Not everybody faces the same infertility challenges and some people do get pg on the first IVF try! I am soooo sorry your DH had to hear that. It's just one person who is probably grieving and took his anger out at the wrong time.

Second, I def think setting a financial limit is good. But before your DH worries about IVF and it's costs, you need to find out if thats something to even worry about. I wouldn't necessarily discuss what procedures you're willing to do yet, just set a money limit to start out with. Then after seeing the RE you'll be able to discuss how far MA-wise you're willing to go, but you need to know your options first.

Good luck with DH and it sounds like from your first conversation with him that in his heart he wants to move forward with this. It's soooo hard for (disclaimer:most) guys to ask for help though! I'm sure that he'll warm up to the idea of seeing an RE, if he's anything like my DH he just needs time to process it in his head, we may already know what we want to do before we even start thinking about it, but it takes them hearing the idea out loud before they can start processing it and then it takes even longer to come up with a decision, sooooo frustrating!!

missy123 · #15 January 27th, 2010, 02:53 PM

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you Lynda. Maybe price out the cost of going through the clomid steps and then the IUI steps and then the IVF steps and let him digest the costs. Maybe he is thinking of a $30,000 price tag in his head when it may just cost $10,000.