[sierrasmommy02tt#2]

I just found this page and thought it would be great to have a diary that i can share with others going through similar situations. I have been trying for about a year and a half, and consistant intercourse for 3 years. Its soo crazy to me that its like this now. I was 16 when i had Sierra (she was a breast fed baby) and about a month or two after she was born i found that i was pg again! I was excited even though it was unplanned. God was sending me another gift. I went in for a U/S the day after and learned it was an ectopic. Immediatly i begged and pleaded for some way to just move my little one to the uterus and try and save him or her. I was devistated of course that was impossible, and i had to go into surgery right away. Before i was put under i asked my doctor to tie my tubes. I didnt want to have to go through this again. Of course he said no. After the surgery i decided i wanted to start trying for another about 1 or 2 months after my ectopic i found out i was PG AGAIN!!! I was soo scared but excited at the same time. God has tried to deliver me another gift! Immediatly i went to get blood HCG test. My doctor said i was 3 months PG i was puzzled. How can that be? I just had an ectopic? Thats not right. Whats going on? I went that same day and had a U/S to make sure my baby implanted in the uterus. we were sucessful!! Eveything is okay. Then the lady says to me i dont know if your ready for this or not BUT..... (oh no please let everything be okay, i cant deal with another heartbreak, God please let me and my baby be healthy) ITS TWINS!!!! I instantly lit up in excitement. Not only did God hear my prayers but he answered them and is delivering DOUBLE!!!! WOW twins!! Immediately we announced our new found news. Two days later the symptoms kicked in i indulged in every moment. 11 weeks later i started spotting which turned to a light period then cramping kicked in then heavy bleeding. What is going on?? No please. Why? why is this happening to me?? At the first sight of blood i called my dr. please help me help my babies. I was monitored until nothing else could be done. My angels went back to heaven. Later i had to have a DNC to clear everything the stress and emotional barrier of it all eventually caused the seperation of me and Sierra's father. Shortly i met James Dh now. After being together a month we both decided we wanted a child and i wanted to take it slow bc of the heartbreaks i had previously experienced. We just had regular intercourse. After we got married i decided to start officially trying and gathered as much info as possible. Nothing has worked yet. Is God mad at me? Did i do something wrong? Am i not worthy of another child? Did i ruin my body by starting soo young? Am a horrible mother and wife and just dont deserve it? What is going on here? How does a girl go from being soo fertile to infertility? Is God testing me? Will i ever experience pregnancy and chilbirth again? Do i even really want it just to be devistated again? Will the stress rip this marriage apart?? should i just relax and let God do his work? Am i asking him of too much?? So many emotions and questions have ran through my head these past few years. i just dont know what to think believe or question anymore. I feel that i am being soo selfish i have sierra why such the fuss? TTC is taking soo much away from her all my energy and attention. Am i neglecting her by giving so much effort to ttc? When im depressed bc AF came and i just lay around to wallow in my sorrow and seclude myself. Thats not fair to her. Am i slowly tearing our family apart by all of the stress that i am bringing upon them?? Stress that is preventable? In all actuality yes every part of our small family is affected by this but not so extreme. Attention is taken from Sierra and Baby James. James and I are caring an extra stress on our shoulders and it causes us to fight. We have almost split up a few times now. The ultimate question will i stop trying? NO!!! Even though the thought arises i just couldnt stop i would wonder every cycle if we were still trying would this cycle have been it. Even though its making me an emotional wreck at times i know in the end it will be well worth it. I wonder if anyone else has been through the same emotions? That is get to know me insert.

[sierrasmommy02tt#2]

well CD 6 AF is gone!! Im taking ovulex and EPO this cycle. Had an HSG March 24th so im still in a higher fertility range from that. Tonite the BDing will begin until i feel that i ovulated. I decided to take a break from temping since baby james broke my bbt it was an accident kids get so curious. LOL No opks this cycle either. Just trying a no help cycle with a little boost from the EPO and ovulex. I think i might start robitussin now too? Today has been so so kids have been fussy and James and i have been arguing alittle today. *sigh* i hate when we do. Still looking for a house. We looked at one today and it was a definate NO! Kids went to a easter egg hunt soo cute. LOL They also had pics with the easter bunny, they were both leary of him LOL their faces in their pics are priceless. Well gotta go finish up dinner.

[sierrasmommy02tt#2]

Well we didn't BD last night. *sigh* arguing again, I fell asleep on the couch around 10pm. This morning CD 7 looks like AF is playing peak a boo this cycle. But she should be completely gone tonite. Who knows if we'll bd tonite i dont know if he's even coming home tonite. Him and baby james went to his moms bc yea again arguing. I dont understand y? well i do but its easter our first holiday that we get to actually spend alone with each other and the kids and he didnt have to do anything but go to church. I woke up at 5:30am and cleaned the house spotless and put the kids easter bunny suprises out hid the candy start the easter dinner and got the kids up and him and let the kids have their fun. All i asked was that he make breakfast, i got the kids ready for church we went it was an excellent sermon, but james and baby james left early bc james really didnt want to be there i come home and after all that cleaning it was messy and we argued he went to his moms so now its me and sierra left to eat this big dinner. *sigh* i dont know whats going on with us just a few days ago we were really connecting and it felt like it did when we first met and he was being so sweet and now this? Well didnt want to even attempt to check cp (gross) lol only when af is gone and i have tons of creamy cm mixed in so the EPO is doing awesome. Also i noticed that while using EPO and ovulex my CP is high soft and open right after AF not too sure why that is but i should probaly start taking advantage of that soon. Well for the most part i had fun with the kids today what little bit that we all got together. LOL i love how i just jump all over the place No organization but i type it as i think it and even though some is off topic i love being able to let some of the stress go bc stress can affect ttc just as much as anything else and it has to go some where

For some reason i feel that James doesn't want this relationship anymore?? He just doesnt seem to happy now a days. Very distant, but i could be wrong? Ill have to find a way to get him to have a serious talk.

[sierrasmommy02tt#2]

okay im 3 days behind lol ive been so distracted well CD 8 9 and 10 each day CP was high open and soft and CM has been between creamy and watery. On CD 9 i had pains on my right side i dont know if they were ovulation pains? I think its kinda early for that considering i ovulate on CD 12 or 13 varies sometimes. Hopefully its not another cyst. Well on CD 8 James and i almost had a nasty break up. *sigh* but we're better now hopefully this is the last fight that gets that bad. I dont know how many more i can deal with. We got a call about a house that should be ready friday. I have clinicals that day so i dont know if ill be able to look at it but i hope so. Its the one i have my heart set on so i hope we get it before anyone else. The kids have been great. Well thats all for tonite.

ETA: This cycle we decided not to chart get away from a stress or two LOL and im not gonna test until AF is due if i can hold out that long lol and the EPO is working great i have to wear a panty liner thats how great it is working. I havent called my GYN yet i decided to wait until after this cycle.

[sierrasmommy02tt#2]

well on cds 11 12 and 13 cp was high soft and open with tons on cm mostly watery one day eggwhite. I think i ovulated cd 13 and on cd 14 cp was high firm and closed and cm was creamy and slightly watery the EPO has been working wonders i have had to wear a panty liner bc its leaking like a faucet LOL TMI!! Things have been going good around here James hasnt been feeling good so bding has been an issue as to whether or not it would be done, but we got it all in. Still looking for a house *sigh* that is exhausting lol and the kids have been great they have their moments but i expect that and i really hope this cycle is it for me. TTC is extremely stressful and i have been debating on whether or not i want to decide to not try and not prevent if it doesnt work this cycle, but i just cant see myself doing that. Once i have my mind set and i want something soo bad im not happy or satisfied until im successful, i am not able to just quit at something. I guess its a good trait to have but an annoying one at the same time lol. i still have high hopes and am very optimistic for this cycle its so much more relaxing not temping this cycle although i do get curious every now and again. I have no pg test so thats gonna kill me lol im 1DPO and already worried abot POAS lol thats why i decided to not buy any until its the day before or of AF. On cd 12 or 13 i was urinating more frequently and immediately i wanted to test lol i tried to get myself to believe that i could possibly be pg from last cycle since my period was light lol i contained myself. im gonna end up in a nut home before its all over lol well its late and james just went to bed so i should join him Goodnight.