[mistyrg]

What a great place to collect thoughts . . . .

AF started yesterday. My chart was looking AMAZING. I was so sure that last month was it. I normally don't have symptoms or anything to read into. This past cycle, I had sore nips about 10DPO. I had twinges in my lower abdomen, lots of creamy CM, and being very tired. Normally, the week before AF, I am constantly hungry and spot a couple days prior. Now . . . I get absolutely zero symptoms of AF . . . she just starts FULL FORCE the day FF says she will!!! I'm pretty bummed . . . but trying to look on the bright side. I filled my prescription for Clomid yesterday morning and start taking it tomorrow. I am so ready for this journey to be over.

DH found out that he may be going to Afghanistan within the next year. In a perfect world, I would get pg now, deliver, and be pg again before he deploys. That will put us back on my "time line" of having kids. I wouldn't enjoy having a baby or being pg without him here, but I would deal with it so that we have our children . . . . and our future. He only has 3 years until he retires from the Army . . . then we won't have to deal with this anymore.

I do feel blessed to have one amazing little boy. However, I was an only child. Sure, it was great growing up - spoiled and got what I wanted. But my father died 5 years ago (can't believe it was that long), and I never felt more alone in the world when that happened. Grief does strange things to people, and my family turned against me. I felt like if I had a brother or sister, at least I would have ONE shoulder to cry on. But I didn't . . . . for that reason, I refuse to let my son go through that. I want him to have one, two, or eight people to hold on to in rough times and share joy with in good. I don't want to put my child in that situation . . . being alone.

Recently, people have told us that maybe God only wants to bless us with one child, and we should just accept that this could be His will. I can't accept that. I know MANY people who have multiple kids, and they treat them like crap or have other people raising them because they take too much away from THEIR life. So why would God bless them with 3 or more kids, and us with only one?? My husband has afforded me the opportunity to stay home and raise our kids. My son is 3, and he's never been to a sitter. We aren't perfect parents, but we do more for and with our child than most I know. So why would God believe we don't deserve to share our love and joy with another?? I just don't understand it . . . .

Until next time . . .

[mistyrg]

May 1st . . . how quickly this year is going by . . .

I started taking Clomid yesterday. Funny story . . . my son crawled into bed with us in the middle of the night. Normally he does this around 5 or 6am. Figuring it was about time for the alarm to go off, and out of habit, I stuck the thermometer in my mouth. I also took my Clomid before going back to sleep. My husband got up to go to the bathroom sometime later, and he said it was almost 4am when he got up. So I probably took my temp and Clomid around 2am!!! I was just so excited about taking the clomid . . . and figured it was later when my son came into the room. Oh well . . . Today I waited for the alarm to go off before taking temp and Clomid. I haven't had any side effects yet. It does make me a little tired, though. No big deal if I take it at 5am (or 2am!).

We went to the outlet mall yesterday. Found some GREAT deals at William-Sonoma (my favorite store!). I can't wait until we move to Florida and get settled into a new home so I can use my neat new stuff!! Speaking of, only 30 more days here!!! Maybe that'll do it for us. We have both been upset that we had to move to New York since the day we found out and had to leave Texas. We started trying to get pg after being here almost a year. Maybe the stress of being here is too much for us. We both hate it and can't wait to get out of this area. (Nothing verified that more than yesterday at the mall. People here are SOOOO rude.) Once we get to Florida, we'll get pg in no time!!! I can dream, can't I???

That's all I have for now . . .

Misty

[mistyrg]

Nothing new to report. Still taking Clomid. I haven't noticed any side effects. I only have 2 days left of the meds, and supposedly, I'll ovulate 5-8 days after taking the last pill. Once I confirm O, I'm not temping or anything for the rest of the month. I don't want to get caught up like I have in the past. Confirm O . . . then just go about life!! I'll know when AF is due, but my homepage when I log on the computer WILL NOT be fertility friend anymore!!! My background image on my desktop WILL NOT be my temp chart!!! If these three months on clomid are not successful for us, then we will probably have to take a break before I drive us all crazy.

We have to meet the movers today. They are packing up our stuff and sending it to Florida!!! One step closer to getting out of here . . . .

Misty

[mistyrg]

Tomorrow is my last day on Clomid. Hopefully I will O within that 5-8 day window that they say you should . . . shorten my cycle . . . not worry about it because I want a BFP anyway! Side effects . . . guess it makes me kinda moody. But you take it during AF, so not sure if it's AF or Clomid talking when I yell at DH because he pushed the record button on the DVR, and I have to go earse it!!! Oh well . . one more day!!!

The movers packed and picked up all our stuff. I almost started crying seeing all Ethan's baby clothes, cribs, swings, strollers . . . . all this baby stuff I saved, thinking we would be using it again soon. Now, my baby is 3, and that stuff is just old and dusty. I pray that it will be used again by a child of mine.

That's all . . . .

[mistyrg]

Last day of Clomid. And no matter how many times I've explained it to DH, he's like . . . why aren't you taking it anymore?? You don't want to?? Men . . . they have that selective hearing . . .

I keep thinking I'm going to O really quick and miss it due to this Clomid. I know I'm being silly . . . . but the truth of the matter is that I ovulate every month. It may not be until the 18th or 20th day of my cycle, but I do ovulate. So the doc just wanted to put me on Clomid to "help" me O earlier and maybe regulate my cycle (and probably shut me up seeing that we are both healthy, no problems, yet we've been trying 18 months!). If it stimulates already producing ovaries, will they just start spitting eggs out at random?? Normally, I'm pretty dry after AF, but 2 days since she left, and I'm already getting creamy CM. I keep having twinges near where my ovaries are, and run to check CP to make sure it's still LFC . . . thinking it feels like O pains!!! I may start POAS OPK's within the next couple days. But . . . I have the digital ones, and I don't want to waste them. I just really don't want to miss that eggie this month . . . . Decisions, decisions . . . .

DH was off again today, so we spent a few hours at the lake fishing. We all got a little too much sun . . . came home and took a nap!!! This all after we worked out this morning. We've had a good few days, but he has to go back to work tomorrow and work all weekend.

Well, I must go fix dinner . . . .

[mistyrg]

Ugh . . . I had a horrible headache last night. Now it's coming back.

But, as I said . . . looks like I may be Oing sooner than expected. I am already getting partial ferning on my saliva scope. I normally get ferning about 5-6 days prior to O. I'll probably use my internet cheapie OPK's starting today and just use the digital ones once it gets closer to O time. I would LOVE it if this Clomid made my cycles textbook 28 days!! That gives me an extra couple months of trying each year than my 36 day cycle. Better yet . . . just give me a BFP and not have to worry about cycles for say . . . 9 months.

Misty

[mistyrg]

We had such a fun weekend!! Kevin had to go to a bass tournament for the Wounded Warriors Project. Finally, after being in New York for THREE years, we finally met some really nice people!!! People that actually made us take back some of the thoughts and feelings we have had about this place and these people. Not everything, though!! The mayor of a local town took us out on his boat yesterday. We didn't catch anything (but got to see a 30 lb bass!!), but Ethan had SOOOOO much fun!!! And I think we are going to sell our camper and buy a boat when we get to Florida. That'll be a lot more fun . . . . hopefully we'll be able to do it before summer is over. What am I saying . . . we'll be in Florida . . . summer stays A LOT later than here in NY!! We're going out on another boat and fishing on Friday with a couple of the people we met. Should be a lot of fun . . .

Back to TTC . . . . I'm still getting partial to full ferning. OPK's are getting darker . . . but not positive yet. I'm hoping O is just around the corner. My pre-O temps are looking good. They have leveled off . . . now just need that big dip followed by an increase (or just the increase - none of my charts look even similar, so there's no telling what my temps will do!!). Once O is confirmed, I am not temping anymore this month. I get so stressed out with my post-O temps . . . worrying about every tenth of a degree drop, praising every tenth of a degree increase, searching for pg charts on FF to compare mine to. It will be a lot easier on me . . . less stressful. UGH . . . if I O around normal time (not earlier due to Clomid) AF will be due the 29th. We leave for Florida on the 31st. I hate traveling with AF . . . . But, I need AF to start before we leave so that I can get my next refill of Clomid. Once we leave here, we have to wait until we get to Florida to change doctors, and I don't know if the new doc will be willing to be as aggressive as this doc up here is. But, of course, I'm hoping I don't have to worry about any of that!!


Misty

[mistyrg]

Nothing new to report. CD 12 . . . partial ferning today (still not sure I trust that thing!!) . . . slight temp drop . . I had EWCM yesterday . . . I'll OPK later. All the signs are pointing to an earlier O . . . I hope my body isn't starting to fake O symptoms now, too!!!

That's all for now . . . .

[mistyrg]

I'm SOOOOOOO excited!!! I decided to OPK this morning . . . and it was BLAZING positive. So, I did the digital just to see what it would say. SMILEY FACE!!! This was just an hour or so after we BD'd . . . so I am HOPEFUL that we are on the road to catching the eggie!!!

I'm more excited than normal because today is CD 13!!! I normally don't O until CD's 18-20. I guess that Clomid did the trick. Hopefully I released a few good eggs . . . and a couple of DH's little soldiers are hooking up with them pretty soon.



Misty

[mistyrg]

Well, by the temp rise and negative OPK today, I must have O'd yesterday!!! Just need a couple more days of temp rise for FF to give me the date and crosshairs. Then I'm done temping and will be taking it easy. Luckily, my class ends on Monday, so I won't even need to get on the computer as much. I will hide the thermometer and just relax. Hopefully day for AF will come and go . . . . . . And it's due a week earlier since I O'd a week earlier!!! Yippie . . . .

Since about CD 10, I have had dull aches, cramping . . . bloated feeling in my lower abdomen. It was really bad this morning. Enough that I was tempted to make a dr. appt . . . but Kevin will be at work until around 8pm. So Ethan and I are stuck at the house all day long. He is off tomorrow, and if it's still bad, I'll try to go tomorrow. Maybe it was just ovulation pains since my ovaries were jump-started with the Clomid. I'm just hoping and praying that it's not cysts since that could be a side effect of Clomid. It's really got me nervous.

I spoke with Jenny yesterday because tornadoes went through the town Thompson's family lives. She said they were all fine . . . but she miscarried her baby. She was 12 weeks and 1 day . . . just into the second trimester . . . the "safe zone." She was rushed to the hospital last Wednesday bleeding a lot. Her BP was 50/30 at one point. She is fine now . . . well, physically. She is going with the fact that the baby was a girl (based on the hb being fast and chinese calendar saying girl), so she named her Alana Marie. I'm sad for her . . . I don't think I know anyone really close that has gone through that, and it is a HUGE fear for me after TTCing for so long. I hope she and Thompson get through this and can have a healthy baby in the future when they are ready to have another one.

That's all folks . . .

[mistyrg]

Another day of increased temps!! Tomorrow, I should get the official O date and crosshairs in FF. Yippie!!! Then the dreaded 2WW begins. I hope I can be cool, calm, and collected!!! I had no ferning on the scope, CP's MMM, and pretty dry cm. I will probably . . . maybe . . . test next Sunday. I will be 11DPO and have FRER tests. With a 14 day LP, I'll only be 3 days before AF. Maybe I can hold out . . . but I doubt it!! Of course, I would hate to be let down . . . AGAIN. We'll see . . . .

I'm not having the bloating, crampy pain in my abdomen anymore. I am guessing it was just the ovaries working overtime due to the Clomid. I'm glad it's gone away because I was worried about cysts.

We spent the day in Middletown . . . . shopping. Tomorrow is grocery shopping . . . and probably to the mall on Sunday for lunch/dinner at Cheesecake Factory!! We were going to go fishing on the boat, but it has been rainy and foggy all day and isn't supposed to clear up before next week.

Later . . .

[mistyrg]

O has been confirmed . . . with the almost .2 degree jump in temp today. So, I'm done temping . . . and coming on here for a while . . . and being on the computer in general. I have to relax during these two weeks . . . and spend more time with my family. This is our last two weeks in New York as well, so hopefully they will fly by!! I have an assignment due Monday in my class, and it's my last day as well. So I won't need the computer except to check my ebay stuff!!

Sending myself some baby dust . . . I don't want to take Clomid anymore . . . so please let it have worked this cycle. Speaking of, I don't have those pains pretty much at all now. That's a relief. I still need to get into my doc to let him know about them . . and talk to him about the HSG. He had said at one point that we needed to make sure my tubes weren't blocked before starting Clomid. But we never did . . . and that kinda worries me as well. Guess I'll have to take that up with my new doctor once we get to Florida. Hopefully we'll find a great doctor that understands our trials and tribulations . . . and is willing to help us out.

Well, guess I'll be back on in a couple weeks . . . hopefully with good news.

Misty

[mistyrg]

I couldn't stay away too long!!! Well, I have a paper due tonite, and I haven't even started it. Normal procrastinating me!! But, I figured I'd check in.

Nothing new to report here. I'm 5 DPO today . . . only 9 days left!!! No symptoms or signs to read into. I hid the thermometer and haven't temp'd since Saturday. I can tell by how warm I feel that my temp is still up. Just confirming ovulation even more!! I have been tempted to go ahead and temp every few days . . . but I'm trying not to. It won't make me pregnant or hurt me if I'm not . . . I guess I'm just trying to relax and not have anything to look at and say, "Yeah, looks good" like last month!

Kevin is off again today . . . but it's been raining all day long. Yesterday we went shopping. We found the bunk bed we have been wanting to get Ethan. Originally we were going to purchase it at $1300. Then the price went to $900. We were caught up in packing and stuff and never bought it. We found it yesterday now down to $500!!! Hard to pass up . . . but with all our stuff already packed and moved to Florida, we don't have any place to put it!! We may go back just before we leave and pray it's still there . . . but if not, I'm sure we'll find a great bedroom suite for him once we get to Florida and settled into a house. It's such a good deal, though . . . and I have a hard time passing up a good deal!!!

Well, I'm off to finish my paper . . . . . .

Misty

[mistyrg]

Here it is . . . 10 DPO . . . and I haven't tested yet!!! Even though I have sat in the bathroom with a cup of FMU in one hand and a test in the other!!! Great will-power!!! I have made a pact with myself that I won't test until I get my progesterone results back. I called on Friday (had the blood taken Thursday morning), and the lab doesn't do that test at the hospital. They have to send it out to be tested, and the results won't be back until sometime this next week. (AF is due Thursday.) If it's a good number, I'll test the next day with FMU. If it's not a good number, no since in wasting a test!! I don't have an overwhelming feeling of being pregnant or not. I mean, last month, I was SURE . . . this month, I don't feel any different than last . . . and we know that was a dud!!! My nips are KILLING me. I think it's just my body playing tricks on me . . . not sore nips is a normal symptom after O and before AF. Normally, the sides of my bbs below my arm pits is where I get pain before AF. Boy, our bodies sure have a way of screwing with us . . . .

FF says I O'd on CD 13. I put my numbers into a different charting software, and it said I O'd on CD 14. So I'm entering everything into ovusoft right now to see what that tells me. I would hate to find out I lost a day!! These two weeks go by slow enough already . . . no need in taking days AWAY from me!! Dang it . . . ovusoft won't let me . . . trial expried, and I can't trick them!! Oh well . . . I'm going with 10 DPO, and that's final!!! Well, I found a different program. It also said I O'd on CD 14 . . not CD 13 . . . which means I am probably 7 DPO . . . and I had my progesterone tested a day early!! Oh well . . . .

And you know I'm kicking myself for not temping after O!! I wish I had something to look at to validate O date and these two weeks of torture! I am going to temp for the rest of this cycle, just to see what is going on with my temp. I just won't be comparing it to anything other than my past charts!!!

I spoke with Jenn. She took Clomid when they were trying to get PG with Kailey. She had cysts develop (mildly) and had to go on BCP's to get rid of them. When I told her the symptoms I was having, she said it sounded just like the pains she had. Ugh . . . I didn't want to hear that. Guess I should go ahead and make an appt with Dr. Traung before we leave here so that if I have to go on BCP's, I can do it next month since AF would be due pretty soon. I don't want to have to delay ANOTHER month. We're getting closer and closer to the 2 year mark . . . and that REALLY scares me.

That's all for today . . . .

[mistyrg]

Well, 11 DPO, and I broke my pact!!! I tested this morning . . . BIG FAT NEGATIVE . . . guess I'm just a glutten for punishment . . . not to mention probably not pregnant. It always bums me out to test early . . . so why do I do it every single month?? I guess because one month, it's sure to be positive, right?!?!? I'm beginning to wonder . . . .

What a blah day . . . .
I'm feeling pretty down today. I'm so frustrated that it is taking so long to get pregnant. Never once did I think that we would have a problem. I keep thinking, too . . . . if/when I do get pregnant, I'm so scared of having a miscarriage, stillbirth, or some horrific medical problem with the baby. I am not sure which would be worse . . . not having any more kids . . . or experiencing something heartbreaking with one. I am 32 years old . . . I wanted to have all kids popped out (all four of them!) by the time I was 35. I guess it's not my age I'm worried about but Kevin's. He is 40 and doesn't want to be 70 when the last kid graduates. I told my mom the other day, imagine being your age (53) and having a teenager. That's how Kevin will be. (She said it would suck!!) It makes me sad . . . . ESPECIALLY adding this . . . . Kevin's mom died in '99. I don't know how old she was, but I'm going to guess late 40's, early 50's. My dad died in '01 at the age of 47. If EITHER of us has something horrible happen to us as with our parents, our kids will be so young. That scares te crap out of me, not that it was any better being 27 and losing your father. But more than anything, they will need each other to hold on to. (I am my father's only child, and know the pain of feeling alone and like no one can understand your feelings because no one has the father relationship like I had.) Plus, I can't imagine Kevin or I being left alone with just Ethan. I would much rather have a full house to take care of . . . share memories . . . and just have a house full to enjoy. I guess my thoughts of this now is because we just passed the 5 year anniversary of dad's death. And I still get teary eyed thinking about it . . . . He was gone before I met and married Kevin, and of course before we brought Ethan into the world. So, my father never got to be a grandfather (not to any biological kids, at least). And he was so great with kids . . . I feel like Ethan has been jipped not being able to meet him. And my father was jipped not being able to hold and play with Ethan. There's funny stories of my father with my step-sister's kids . . . and it makes me sad that Ethan didn't get to join on any of that fun.

I have another medical issue I won't really explore on here, but I really need to get into the doctor. I have had this "issue" periodically for 10+ years and just never had anything checked, done, or even mentioned it to a doctor . . . actually lied when, during normal exams, docs ask if I ever had this!!! Stupid, stupid, stupid. Now I'm worried that it could hinder my hopes for a BFP. I have to add, I don't think it's bad . . . if it was something on the worse end of the spectrum like cancer, weight loss would be a sign. And I surely don't have that . . . actually gaining weight!!! Which is another issue on it's own . . . and probably a hinderance to my BFP. I would really like to get an entire medical work up. I can't see how I could get pregnant with Ethan the first month, and it take close to 2 years to get pregnant with the second one. I'm also hoping to find a great doctor when we get to Florida. I need to get the HSG test done soon . . . before I agree to take any more Clomid.

Well, I think I should cancel my pity party and get up and moving for the day. It's 11pm, and I have done NOTHING but watch cartoons with Ethan and be on the computer. It's a nice day today, and we should be outside enjoying it.

Misty

[mistyrg]

11 or 12 DPO . . . . Nothing new to report, of course. I didn't test this morning . . . and won't again until AF is late. She won't be, of course . . . . because I just don't have that kind of luck . . . I wish I could be optimistic and hopeful. I just sometimes feel like it's never going to happen. That really depresses me . . . because we'd do just about anything to have at least one more healthy baby. I'm not sure what to do at this point . . . . . we are quickly approaching the 2 year mark . . . after ONE month trying to get pg with Ethan. Just doesn't make sense . . . . .

I called the OB/GYN clinic to make an appt with my doc. I wanted to explain my ovary pains and ask about HSG, next month of Clomid, get my annual, etc. Well, I only had ONE appt on my referral. WTH?!?!?!? How can you have fertility testing and meds and only have ONE allowed appt with that doc?? STUPID . . . . . So, I was getting so upset with the lady. She put in a call for the nurse to call me about the pains. When the nurse called, she said the pains could be cysts, but it's a "normal side effect and should go away on their own." Relief that I don't need BCP's . . . well, not now at least. If they get worse, I could. Let's just pray that doesn't happen. Before the nurse called, I called Kevin crying!!! I'm just so frustrated with everything . . . upset that it's taking SOOOOOOOOOOOOO long to have another baby, when I thought my kids would be 18 months apart . . . all 4 of them. I also wanted my mother's ring to be a diamond, ruby, sapphire, and emerald. How stupid is that?? That I thought I could "order" my kid's birth month's?!?! I would take a peridot, opal, garnet . . . anything at this point!!! I just want one or three more kids to raise. Anyway, Kevin was getting mad with me and said we could just go track down my doc tomorrow since we have to go to the clinic for his appt!!!

Oh, and the clinic kept telling me that they would put in a request from my PCM for an extension on the referral. Yeah, my PCM said after 18 months of trying to "Just relax and take it easy!!!" WHATEVER . . . that man will be no help. If I can get my doc to just give me a refill on the Clomid, I will fill it, and not take it. I'll hold onto it for the cycle after the HSG. I don't think I have access to free meds once we get to Florida because there is no military base close by. I'll have to go to a regular pharmacy and pay a co-pay. So, getting a final "HOORAH" of free meds will be a good idea!!!!

I'm an absolute basketcase. I know Clomid has these effects . . . but I really didn't think taking something 3 weeks ago would still be in my system. I know AF is due Thursday, and that is probably partially to blame. I wish I could say it was a pg symptom . . but I am done with those!!!

Last night, Kevin came home after work, and he smelled so bad . . . I couldn't be in the same room with him. I know that's mean . . . but it was horrible. He slept on Ethan's bed and Ethan slept with me!!! I know that's a pg symptom (heightened sense of smell), but I'm not putting any faith or trust in that these days. Plus, he knew he smelled bad. He smelled it, too . . . so it wasn't just me!!! Why didn't he take a shower, you ask?? I don't know . . . he worked late last night and was sore and tired. He would have had to go over to the showers to take one since we are staying in the camper until we get to Florida.

Everytime I sneeze (which is a lot being spring and having allergies!!!), I feel like my ovaries are going to explode!!! I'm guessing it's just part of the ovary stimulation clomid issues . . . but it's not much fun!!

Yeah . . . the clinic just called and scheduled me for an appt tomorrow!!! Yippie . . . I couldn't be happier. Hopefully the doc will be able to figure something out for us and keep us on track. Maybe he'll order a pg test just to be sure!!! That would be nice . . . no more wasting mine!!!

I need to go get some lunch for me and the boy . . . .