Lisa P. TTC Journal

Lisa P. · #1 July 11th, 2006, 10:29 AM

Well....I'm finally going to start one of these. My doctor suggested keeping a journal...I'm not sure that he meant a TTC journal but I believe that A LOT of the stress and anxiety in my life is the result of not being able to conceive. I've worked hard at prioritizing my life and letting go of those things that cause me stress and the only thing left is adding to our family.

DH and I met almost six years ago. We were best friends until 5 years ago about this time when we admitted to ourselves and eachother that we were in love.

One year later we owned a beautiful home and were building a wonderful life together with my DS, Riley who was 8 or 9 at the time. About a year after buying our home we decided that it would be wonderful to have more children (of our own--we seemed to be spending so much time with our neices and nephews and enjoying them so much). We tried for several months with no luck. I started to worry that something was wrong because we hadn't been using birth control since we moved in together and it was strange that we weren't pregnant already considering we hadn't been preventing for a long time. Then, while on a ski trip with DH's family, we conceived.

I took an HPT the day AF was due and there was a faint positive. We were so excited. I called my doctor and I got the bloodwork done. The day my dr. called to say the blood test was positive, I started to cramp and bleed very heavily. I lost our baby on March 28th, 2004.

Well, we tried to look at this angel baby as a sign that we could get pregnant. The doctor told us there was no need to wait to keep trying so we were back at it quite soon after the loss. No baby. Finally, in the fall of 2004 DH had an s/a done and I had an HSG done. Both came back normal. *sigh*

So we kept trying.

We also got engaged in August of 2004 so we quit "actively trying" while we planned the wedding although we weren't preventing either (we both hoped that by keeping our minds busy with the wedding we might end up surprised and pregnant....nope).

I had been charting on and off throughout these couple of years of TTC but could make NO SENSE of what the charting meant. In fact, I believe for a while we BD AFTER I ovulated because I though the egg needed to be released in order to fertilize it...duh!

We were married on August 27th, 2005. Right after we were married I bought the book TCOYF and I meant business! I started lurking on JM and started charting again in September....this time I had a better understanding of what I was supposed to be doing.

What is so frustrating for us is that my charts look like the ones in a texbook. Temp drop the day AF is expected to arrive (check), low temps for 4 or 5 days during menstruating (check), typically O'd around CD 10 to 12 (a bit early, I know), LP between 14 & 15 days (check), cycle length: 25 days, AND repeat.

I noticed my CM was lacking...so I drank green tea and took EPO. Wow! That helped. Still no baby for us.

When I went for my yearly exam in January I asked to be referred to an excellent OB/GYN here in my city. My doctor sent the request.

In March of this year my world just came crashing down on me. I had focused so much of my attention on TTC that I had neglected everything else in my life. I hated my job, I fought with my DH and DS, I was gaining weight, I cried all the time, I was angry all the time, and I just sat here in my office on JM feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to stay in bed or hop in my car and drive far, far away.

Finally, when my totally normal and predictable cycles went from 25 days to a 17 day cycle, I went to my doctor. I thought this was my body showing me a sign that I was not all right. My doctor put me on anti-depressants and suggested we NOT make TTC a project fo a bit.

So I quit charting for a while. Stayed away from JM and tried to put the pieces of my life back together.
I still hadn't heard from the new OB/GYN I had been referred to so I called the office myself. They told me that because this dr. was so busy with obstetrics and emegency gyno, he didn't have much time for fertility. He would likely be able to see me some time in SEPTEMBER!!! I wanted to cry. But the receptionist told me she would put me on a last minute cancellation list. Okay, fine.

On June 1st I got the call from the OB/GYN office. Could I be there at 3:45 that day? YES! What was even more amazing was I was supposed to see my family dr at 4:00 that day for a follow up app't so I had all of my charts with me cuz I was going to ask what more he could do for me.

Anyway, I saw the OB/GYN who immediately put me on Clomid.

He said, in 6 months you will be pg.

Hmmm......that was 43 days ago...no baby and no AF.

Lisa P. · #2 July 28th, 2006, 08:55 PM

July 28, 2006

Well, the next day after my previous entry AF decided to show up just in time for our family vacation.
I called my dr. to see about getting another script for Clomid but they didn't get back to me in time so I had to go without it this cycle.

I'm pretty sure this cycle is a bust considering we were tenting with DS during my fertile time. We did manage to sneak in a "dance" or two though.

I'm feeling a bit desperate right now. Of course, when I returned from our vacation I discovered that 2 of my girlfriends are pg. One is pg with her second in less time than we have been TTC and the other just started in Jan. but had a m/c a couple of months ago and is pg again. Why am I the only loser who can't get pregnant? I hate that everyone feels sorry for me or has to treat the subject of getting pg so delicately around me. AND THEY DO!!! It took all the strength I had not to burst into tears when I heard they were pg. It's so ridiculous! OF COURSE, I'm happy for them but it's just another slap in the face when someone else gets pg and I can't.

It just doesn't seem fair. I have wanted to give my son siblings since he was 2 years old but because I was so young when I had him I decided to go to university and get a good career so I could provide for him and more babies in the future. Well, here I am, a school teacher, mother of a 13 year old and happily married but no sign of a baby anywhere. And what scares the life out of me is that we won't be able to have a few babies like we always planned. I've always wanted tonnes of kids but as each month ticks away, that dream seems further and further out of sight.

DH and I have decided to book a consultation for IUI since it can take 4 to 6 months to get in. Ya, I'm excited but a part of me just thinks it's just another thing to give me hope FOR NOW until that doesn't work and we're back to where we started. God, I sound so negative but sometimes it gets really hard to be optimistic all the time when I seem to get kicked in the teeth every month.

I try to talk to some of my girlfriends about it but they don't understand...they all got pg without even thinking about it. I just feel like no one in my "real life" understands what DH and I are going through. They just flipantly say "oh just relax, get drunk and have sex! it works everytime!" Umm....ya', thanks for the tip...BEEN THERE DONE THAT AND IT DIDN'T WORK!!!! Our hearts ache whenever we see little children. We laugh and watch little children play on the beach or run through the park and we smile admiringly with tears forming in the corner of our eyes.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take. If the IUI doesn't work I think we're going to totally give up for a while....no temping, no JM...nothing.

You know how pathetic I am? I freaking loaded up on HPTs and OPKs at the Dollar Tree while we were down in the states on vacations thinking that maybe because I had a truckload of them I would get pg right away and not have to use them. I'm trying to trick fate....jeez!!!

Anyway, CD 16 today...I think I O'd but FF hasn't given me any crosshairs. I've given up even trying to scrutenize my chart...they always end up tricking you anyway.
I have to go for another HSG at the beginning of my next cycle. Looking forward to that like people look forward to a root canal.

Today has not been a good day for me. I need to get my mind off TTC before I go crazy.

Lisa P. · #3 August 8th, 2006, 11:36 PM

It appears as though I was right about when I O'd last cycle.
My cycle was 25 days like it "normally" is.
AF showed up while I was on a girls getaway to the states. She always has to stick her nose where it doesn't belong. Ha ha!
I'm not as upset about AF showing up as I have been in the past. This just means that I can get my HSG done and start another round of Clomid. It also means that I can ask my dr. for a referral for IUI.

I'm just waiting for my dr. office to call me back with the app't for my HSG and to pick up my script. It's wierd but I sense myself starting to feel indifferent about the whole thing. I can't even fathom getting a BFP...it just seems so far out of reach for me yet, trying to get pg and doing all that comes along with TTC has just become common practice in this house.

I feel ridiculous about saying this but, a part of me almost HOPES that they find something on the HSG this time around because then at least we'd have a reason for not getting pg. Unexplained infertility (SECONDARY infertility for that matter) sucks!!!

Anyway, I'm disgusted with myself and how much weight I've gained this past year. I've decided to try to take control over my health once again. DH and I are watching what we eat and I've started walking again. I'm going to sign up for Yoga again this fall and start taking care of myself....body, mind and soul.

ttyl

Lisa P. · #4 August 20th, 2006, 08:52 AM

I have started counting points and after one week I've lost 3 lbs. Woo Hoo! I haven't done any exercise though so that is my goal for this week...get walking!!!

I went for a follicle scan on Friday (CD 13) and my follicles measured around 16 mm so I got 10 000U of HCG shot in my butt. This pretty much guaranteed that I would O within the next 24 to 48 hours. DH and I BD before I went for the scan...then again Saturday afternoon AND I'm hoping to sneak another one in today before he goes out of town for the week. I know when women are inseminated they do the procedure about 36 hours after the trigger shot so I hope we caught the eggie this month. I never dreamed in a million years that I would have to go to such lengths to have a baby. I know that it will all be worth it once we hold our precious miracle in our arms for the first time.

I am scheduled to see my dr. again on September 21st. He has instructed me to "show up pregnant!". Trust me buddy, I'm trying!

If I'm not pg he has agreed to discuss my referral to a Fertility Clinic for IUI. I REALLY hope it doesn't have to get to that point but we'll see.

God has ALWAYS answered my prayers and has taught me the virtue of humility and patience by having me wait for my prayers to be answered. In God's time we will be parents again.