Let's see how this goes! I tend to have a twisted sense of humor so hopefully I don't offend anyone. But I am always up for a laugh!

First Joke!

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a
five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like
this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my
wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was
my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's
butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks
like yours!'"

[mom 2 haley & tyler]

LMAO....that's is hilarious!

I don't know any jokes

I looked it up online

How to Shower - Like A Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making a "Whee! Hey!" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror, suck in your gut, look for pecs. Admire yourself in the mirror.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Ensure you leave "special" hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14. Pee (in the shower).

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the bath the whole time.

16. Partially dry off.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire self again.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, grab willy, repeat "Whee! Hey!" sound.

21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

[Mum2three]

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?


The position of the dirt bag


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts

What do attorneys use for birth control?


Their personalities.

[Celry]

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?


The position of the dirt bag[/b]

One of my friends told that joke in a biker bar while we were in college. He walked in, told it and left. I thought he was going to get killed.

<div align="left">This is a bit sexist, but I still think it's funny!

Women's English

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure ... go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

I'm not yelling = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important</div>

[Carmela]

How to Shower - Like A Man:[/b]

There is both a man and woman version to that one. Here is a video that shows both (there is no actual nudity, so you don't have to worry about clicking on the link and seeing things you didn't want to see.) The video has captions so you can read the words as you watch the video.

How To Shower Woman vs Man

[Brenda04]

[b]A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he
observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the
hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".