[LindsLuvsSi]

***WARNING VENT AHEAD****
Hope you don't mind me venting my guts out.........I need to get it out.......I wanna SCREAM! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHH


I'm sick of this. I hate feeling this way, but I honestly cannot control it or change it. I've tried sooo much and so hard. Why can't we get pregnant??? Why do they get knocked up FIRST blooming try???? WHy??? Why don't they have to suffer through infertility? WHy do DH & I have to suffer through infertility? Why is it easy for some and not us?? Why do those that have it easy and get knocked up like that why are they so rude, insensitive and rub it in my face?? Why can't everyone suffer the same length of time ya know? Why can't that be the case? Why does it have to be unfair??

This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. I NEVER would have imagined or thought WE'D have fertility issues. Being pregnant, having a baby, being a mommy and having a family has been my BIGGEST dream and goal (besides getting married of course), It's been my dream/goal since I was like 5. And we suffered through a loss and are still trying to achieve our goal and make our dreams come true, while everyone around me is getting my dream come true and my answer to my prayers. We just want our dream to come true and our prayers to be answered already. This TTC journey has been long and hard and we're ready for it to end. Ready to start the pregnancy journey. The journey to parenthood. If we didn't suffer a loss, we'd be 13 weeks along and that just kills me. I don't want to move on to cycle #18 of TTC or 19 or 20 or so on and so forth. I want, hope, pray that THIS cycle #17 is the one. (I'm trying to think positive, but my positivity is blocked by all this insensitive rudeness. I thought they were my friends and nice caring people, but I guess I was oh so wrong. Their rudeness is what's making this hard for me. Saying insensitive things, rubbing their pregnancy in my face. Hmmmm hello?!?!? I have feelings. Feelings that are easily hurt. and acting/talking like that to a person with unexplained infertility who has been TTC over a year is so not
cool. It hurts. I feel as though they are purposely hurting me ya know?

I hate this soooooooooooooo much.
I'm crying my eyes out!!!!
I'm hurting so bad I feel Like I'm gonna barf everywhere.
I wish DH was home to hold me and comfort me.

Man I don't know what to do anymore.....It's so hard to try to block it out...
yesterday it killed me when one of the newbie grads PM'd me and asked for a BFP siggie! I cried!1! I shoulda said no....next time I will. I don't mind making siggies for those of you who feel the same way as me, and I'd be happy to make anyone of you a siggie and a BFP siggie, but that was just icing on the cake. Thinking about it is making me nauseous and sick. I'm almost tempted to take a break from the boards again. I need to clear my head, forget about those rude newbies and just start anew. Cause I think/believe attitude and feelings can/will affect TTC. I don't want this to ruin my chances at catching the eggie this cycle. I'd much rather take a leave of absense for a week from JM and help heal my wounded emotions and focus on the positives and maybe that's what I need to help us get prego??

I do know I'll be away from Saturday to Thrusday, relatives coming in for Easter. I'm hoping the break will do me good and bring us good luck. I'm thinking I'm going to send myself a SS gift and hopefully that'll bring me my BFP too. Since everyone I have had for SS exchange has gotten their BFP that cycle or 1 after. quite ironic huh?? Hoping it works on myself.

Please forgive me for my vent ladies. I've been having hte hardest week and it's only gotten harder for me. I'm sorry for venting, but I needed to let it ALL out. Thanks!!

[Brenda04]

Lindsay I know how you feel I don't understand why this is happening to us too, like you said never in a million years did I think I was going to have fertility problems nobody in my family has them or DH's fam.

If you think you need a break you know that we will all understand it's hard and I swear to god if I see another post of bfp from a newbie I'm going to die that's just the way I feel even if that makes me a horrible person I can't help it but to question why.

I hope you can clear your head and you can focus on yourself and not others I hope you get your bfp this cycle you will be in my T&P

[LindsLuvsSi]

Thank you Brenda! I appreciate it!

[mom 2 haley & tyler]

Lindsay, I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. Maybe this time away will help you relax and enjoy yourself. I so hope this cycle will be it for you and Simon. I will be hoping and praying for you! Please let me know if you need anything. You have been such a "friend" to me here. I'd like to do the same for you if you need it. You take care.

[~April04~]

I agree.. I never thought we'd have any issues. I really thought we'd get pg right away.. I knew I could since I've miscarried before.. but alas we have MFI.. So we're dealing with that.

It has been really hard to go over there.. I feel like every time I sign on someone else gets a BFP. I'm happy for some of them.. but the others its just not fair. They should be posting on the right board. It sucks seeing updates and their tickers/siggies. I was thinking I was the only one who was offended by those.. So I'm glad I'm not alone in that.

I really hope this is your cycle Linds! I'll be thinking about you.

[LindsLuvsSi]

Thanks ladies! I don't think I'll be MIA till Saturday.....I'm too addicted and I love and need ya'lls support!! It helps me!!! I appreciate ya'll!! (man my DH's Texan has rubbed off on me) I need to clean today and tomorrow, so I think i'll be off and on!

[Celry]

Sorry you're having such a rough day. I think the time off may do you good. You'll be around family, so hopefully you'll have support off the board. Maybe the time off will do you good.


Maybe you should take a longer break from the ttc#1 thread. I think that may be wise for at least few days. Anyone who gets pregnant right away doesn't understand what it's like to try month after month with no success. I'm sure none of them are trying to rub it in. They're just excited, as you would have been if you got pregnant right away. As you will be when you get pregnant. Hopefully that happens very soon for you.

Lindsey, you know I understand. I'm not going back to TTC #1 for a long time, it's too hard to see newbie BFP's all around. You can always IM me if you want to talk!

[xanada101]

Oh hon, I'm sooo sorry! I know this is soooo difficult! I too have felt really similar... I was just kinda afraid to voice it. I would never wish infertility on anybody, but I wish people could experience a little taste of the disappointment that we experience each and every month. Then maybe they would have a clue. You know you can vent anytime, cause more than likely we feel the same way.... Lots of hugs!!!

[snsgirl336]

I know we talked earlier Linds, but I just wanted to send you lots of

[tracyanne]

Oh Lindsey! I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I hope tomorrow is a better day!

[LindsLuvsSi]

Awwwwwww you ladies are awesome!!!! Thank you sooooo much!!!!!!! !

[Brenda04]

Thanks ladies! I don't think I'll be MIA till Saturday.....I'm too addicted and I love and need ya'lls support!! It helps me!!! I appreciate ya'll!! (man my DH's Texan has rubbed off on me) I need to clean today and tomorrow, so I think i'll be off and on! [/b]

on the cleaning

I really hope you are feeling better

[Mum2three]

Lindsey, that post broke my heart. I want soooo bad for you and the rest of the girls to get pregnant and become a mommy. Your not alone in this journey, you have us and a wonderful husband that is there for you no matter what. I to suffer from infertility problems, and it took us years to understand it, and what there is to help it. We ended up having our first son, and then it took 4 years after to have out 2nd child, now it has taken over 2 years to conceive this baby. Time is your best friend right now. When i was told the news that i had a fertility problem and DH didnt my world just crumbled right there. I felt bad, i beat myself up over it. But i knew that i couldnt complain that i had to take matters into my own hands. And i did. Later on we found out that i had cervical cancer and i needed treatment right away. and i did. And i asked if it was possible to have children and the dr said no! Well Lindsey it has taken me years to have my children but the wait was worth it. and Im walking Proof that miracles do happen. And i have 2 boys and 1 on the way!! So if i can over come it hun so can you and all the other ladies! Keep faith and stay happy. and in no time you will be holding your own child!

I hope that gave you a positive note to look at.
We are all here for you!!

[LindsLuvsSi]

Lindsey, that post broke my heart. I want soooo bad for you and the rest of the girls to get pregnant and become a mommy. Your not alone in this journey, you have us and a wonderful husband that is there for you no matter what. I to suffer from infertility problems, and it took us years to understand it, and what there is to help it. We ended up having our first son, and then it took 4 years after to have out 2nd child, now it has taken over 2 years to conceive this baby. Time is your best friend right now. When i was told the news that i had a fertility problem and DH didnt my world just crumbled right there. I felt bad, i beat myself up over it. But i knew that i couldnt complain that i had to take matters into my own hands. And i did. Later on we found out that i had cervical cancer and i needed treatment right away. and i did. And i asked if it was possible to have children and the dr said no! Well Lindsey it has taken me years to have my children but the wait was worth it. and Im walking Proof that miracles do happen. And i have 2 boys and 1 on the way!! So if i can over come it hun so can you and all the other ladies! Keep faith and stay happy. and in no time you will be holding your own child!

I hope that gave you a positive note to look at.
We are all here for you!![/b]

Wow!!!!!! Brandy!! Thanks so much for sharing you're full story. That gave me such a positive outlook!!! Just what I needed to hear!! Miracles def. do happen!!!

Brandi that is an incredible story, I love having your inspiration here on the board

Linds, I agree with Cel that I don't think they are intentionally rubbing it in, but it is insensitive. I don't even look over there anymore. I was just checking the private thread, but I am not even checking that anymore. Even if all you girls decided to only post there again, I wouldn't go back. I would sit here and talk to myself and Brandi! And I feel fantastic for not going over there! I am accepting that this will be a long road for us, and I don't feel pressure anymore to "compete" with the newbies. Of course I don't intentionally compete, but you know how it is.

HUGS for everyone!

[LindsLuvsSi]

I'm not going back, just occasionally to run the photo contest, but I may not even do that. No one submitted anything for the next contest anyways, so maybe I'll just move the contest here?!? I like it here!! It's a little slower paced since there's fewer of us, which gives me time to get things done!! And we all feel the same, so that totally helps!!

[IamMom]

Hey Lindsey - I have not been TTC at all yet but I did try just over 6 months for number 1 so I thought I'd check out this board (I know I"ll end up here with number 2 because I have long irregular cycles). Anyway - I felt the same way especially b/c my sister got pregnant with number 2 just before I did and at the time I was so sad b/c she just started trying and she had a 6 month old already at the time - the nerve of her and I couldn't even have one. So anyway - I was on like cycle day 58 when I found out she was preggo (I only knew now it was 58 cause it was 58 days since my last period) I tested like every day BFN every time....so I finally called my doctor and I said "I know I'm suppose to wait a year but something is really wrong here - to not have a period for that long and not be PG. So anyway the last test I took was Sunday, called Dr. monday, she told me to come in on thursday, from a physical standpoint everything looked ok. She asked me to come in on Friday for bloodwork to test my hormones and all that - I thought we had a long road ahead at this point. And then bam - Monday the nurse calls and she's like " you have to get in here for another blood test - the pregnancy test (blood beta test) came back positive" so needless to say 35 weeks later or so my wonderful beautiful DS was born. So just when you think its never gonna happen - it sometimes does! I kept praying and kept trying to focus on the positive things in life - and I'm hoping that is what will get me through TTC #2.

I hope that you have a nice break with family and I hope that you find some serenity in something while you continue TTC.

Thanks for saying what we all want to say or have wanted to say at some point.

[LindsLuvsSi]

Thanks Keri!!! wow, that's crazy you were pregnant but weren't getting BFPs on HPTs. That's so awesome!! Thanks for sharing your story!! Your lil boy is adorable. (Harrison is on our name list )

[carrierose5]

Lindsey,

I follow your posts sometimes because you just struck a cord with me. You are so sweet and I want so badly for you to get your BFP. It isn't fair. We got pregnant immediately with Joshua so it never entered my mind that we would have trouble. It took us soooo long to get pregnant with this one. It was absolute agony. No one could explain it to us. I was ovulating, he was producing, we just weren't getting pregnant. Unexplained infertility is so painful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If one more person had told me to relax and I would get pregnant, I would have slapped them in the face. How the heck do you relax? How the heck do you "just not think about it" or "quit trying and it'll happen."
Well you know what Lindsey, you hang in there. Becuase it can happen. It will happen. You will be such a great mom. To my surprise we got pregnant with twins. Unfortunately we lost one of the babies a few weeks ago. I feel like I am walking a tightrope. Like my body just doesn't work right or something. But I am trusting in it and in God. All I could do before was to keep trying to get pregnant. All I can do now is pray for the baby at the end.

I am praying for a baby at the end for you too Lindsey. I hope I didnt make it worse by posting here while pregnant. I just wanted to spread a little hope to you. When I was ttc, I got to where I thought it would never happen. Like, if it doesn't happen by one year, it wont ever. But I heard other people's stories and saw that there is no timeline on that success. I hope my story provides you with the same comfort and hope for the future.