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Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
August 16th, 2008, 09:32 PM
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So I have realized that I keep going through stages in grief and a new pregnancy at the same time. Since I got pregnant and have announced I am pregnant I have been asked that horrible question over and over at the many dr. appts that I go to, "is this your first". And I have gotten so much better about being able to answer without crying my eyes out. So now I can get those words out of my mouth telling them "no, but our first was stillborn". Then yesterday my mom and I went to lunch with my MIL. Afterwards, my mom said something about how this is going to be my MIL's first grandbaby. It just cut like a knife, although I know that my mom wasn't remembering Abby. She just meant that this will be the first living grandbaby for my IL's. I didn't say anything. I just bit my tongue because really what do you say? Later on after we got home, she said it once again. I guess my face must have said it all because then my mom said " I know I make you upset when I say that, but Rhonda you just have to stop" and then she went in the house as though she was mad at me. ***? She was mad at me for making her feel bad. Well what about the way it makes me feel when she keeps saying its their first grandchild. It hurts and it will always hurt. This wasn't the first time I have heard it, my fil said it once too and now my mom twice, and I am sure it won't be the last time I hear it. I just need time to get "over it".

Abby is the first and always will be the first granddaughter for both of them!! Hannah will be the first living granddaughter. I know they aren't always going to want to say "living grandbaby", but I need time to get used to it. I shouldn't be made to feel bad, for feeling bad should I?

It just cuts so deeply. It wouldn't matter if she was the first or the 5th, I would still have to hear things like this. There is always going to be one baby girl missing. I just don't know how to react to those comments when they hurt so badly.

Sorry for my rant.
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  #2  
August 16th, 2008, 10:52 PM
*Judy*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Ahhhh Rhonda, I am so sorry you are having to go thru this. I will keep you in my t&p, but just know we all have those moments.
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  #3  
August 17th, 2008, 07:33 AM
woohoo502's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I hope as time goes on, people get more empathetic, or it gets easier.
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  #4  
August 17th, 2008, 08:51 AM
Danielley08's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Rhonda...you are a one tough chick if you could bite your tongue...they would probably think I was a crazy woman because I wouldn't be able to handle people not acknowleding my first born...even if she was still born, she was born still...they saw her...she existed and they need to respect that...

I could understand if it was a stranger or someone who didn't know about Abby but c'mon...this is your mom...if I were you I'd sit her down and tell her if she doesn't want to acknowledge that Hannah is the 2nd child...then she just doesn't need to say anything about it...

But this is totally just my opinion and I can be a tad b#$%^y...but I don't like to see my friends hurting


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  #5  
August 18th, 2008, 10:33 AM
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I am sooooooooo sorry Rhonda, that upsets me so much. If she understands and KNOWS it upsets you, then she needs to NOT say it. She needs to respect the way you feel. you should NOT feel bad for feeling bad Please dont let her make you feel that way. If I were you I would really try and talk to her and ask her not to refer to this baby as the first granddaughter. she can say 2nd without having to say living/stillborn or anything. This is the 2nd grand daughter, its not hard to say.

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  #6  
August 18th, 2008, 12:04 PM
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Quote:
Rhonda...you are a one tough chick if you could bite your tongue...they would probably think I was a crazy woman because I wouldn't be able to handle people not acknowleding my first born...even if she was still born, she was born still...they saw her...she existed and they need to respect that...

I could understand if it was a stranger or someone who didn't know about Abby but c'mon...this is your mom...if I were you I'd sit her down and tell her if she doesn't want to acknowledge that Hannah is the 2nd child...then she just doesn't need to say anything about it...

But this is totally just my opinion and I can be a tad b#$%^y...but I don't like to see my friends hurting

[/b]
My mom does talk about Abby though and she asks me how this pregnancy is different. I know she loves her very much and misses her too. Really my mom has been my shoulder to lean on over the past year, but sometimes she just doesn't know what to say. And to be honest I don't know that I would know what to say to someone that has been through this if I hadn't already been there myself.


Thanks everyone. I think I am going to talk to her now that things have cooled down. I think I can talk calmly now about it but I am sure the tears will still flow.
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  #7  
August 18th, 2008, 12:57 PM
Wee3monkeys's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Rhonda, I'm really sorry that you're mother disregards your feelings like that! I don't even know what to say, except that you should sit down and talk to her about it. I see from your most recent post that she does think about Abby; but still, there are some things that shouldn't be said, EVER. "Get over it" is one of them, in these circumstances. Yes, time will help the wound heal, but it will never go away; and as you said, Abby will always be the first. In your heart that needs to be acknowledged, and I think the problem is that some people just don't fully understand the pain and emotions surrounding that kind of loss to be able to fully commisserate and know what to say or how to deal with conversations like that. Does that make sense?

Good luck talking to your mom, hun! I hope it goes well, and she's able to understand where you are coming from!

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  #8  
August 18th, 2008, 01:07 PM
Eleysia's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Rhonda I hope the talk goes well and that she realizes how it effects you
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  #9  
August 18th, 2008, 01:53 PM
jademyst13's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm so sorry I'm sure your mom means well, but we all know that people say things without truly thinking how they will effect us. I hope she can see where you are coming from, it really wouldn't be hard for her to say 2nd grandbaby. What if Abby had lived a even a day outside the womb would she then say this was their first? I doubt it. Abby was and will always be the first baby,and yes I'm sure that she misses her too i know how much my m/c affected my mother.
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  #10  
August 19th, 2008, 06:08 AM
mom 2 haley & tyler's Avatar formerly mommy2haley17
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I hope you and your mom are able to talk this through. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
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  #11  
August 19th, 2008, 07:48 AM
angelmomjen's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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HUGS...I'm sorry that you have to deal with this..I agree with all the other woman, people dont realize what they are saying, what it means. My mom and dad and I have even heard my husband say that we are having the first grand boy baby. No. My first son was the first one. Its a hard hard thing to hear and to defend. They think you are being to sensitive when in all reality they are just being insensitive unintentionally. Grief is so hard and then to have grief and happiness intertwine is just overwhelming. And yes that question "Is this first child" I have been asked that, and had to say yes but I lost him at 22 weeks about 100 times at least. And they said well at least you are making it with this one and I just want to scream. Its so hard, and I am so very sorry. I pray that things come together with your mom, and hopefully she can understand that each of you have diffrent ways to handle grief and elation at the same time, seems like the only way she can celebrate Hannah is to stop grieving over Abby, and that may be her way..but it doesnt have to be forced to be yours.
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  #12  
August 19th, 2008, 02:44 PM
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  #13  
August 19th, 2008, 03:30 PM
victorialv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Aww Rhonda, I am really sorry you are having to deal with this. I know your mom is just trying to help, but I don't think she really knows how. Maybe she thinks you are holding onto unneccessary pain and is trying to convince you to let it go, when really all you want(from my perspective) is acknowledgement of Abby's place in your family.

Did you talk to your mom again? How'd it go?
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