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Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
January 5th, 2006, 03:05 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
Hi ladies. I have never posted in this board before.My whole JM experience statred with a DDC and ended in the m/c board....it all started last Feb (I swear I will try and make this as concise as possible when after being with my boyfriend for 7 months and him having been told he was sterile due to massive chemo tx he received (had cancer 3 years ago), I found out I was pg on 2/15/05. We were estactic to say the least! I went on to m/c in March, became pg again...the next time w/twins in April...only to m/c both of them again in May. My heart was broken, I was devastated and I plummetted into a depression I did not know was even possible.
We went through extensive testing thanks to us both having great dr.'s. The fertility specialist we were referred to found that I had a uterine septum. This is what caused the m/c's. Instead of relief in now knowing the problem, i actually went through additional mourning. I had to wait and see if this septum was even correctable. My moods worsened and on 7/21/05 my boyfriend left me stating he couldn't live the way we were any longer. he also claimed that he felt the only way for me to get help was for me to do it on my own since his "help" was not working. And he did try...the way a man would try...trying to get me active, coaxing me to work out with him. Dragging me out of bed every morning for work. But it was true I was miserable.
When he left I felt my world was falling further apart. I didn't eat, couldn't sleep, lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks, and had suicidal thoughts (this occurred as well before he left but worsened after the fact). I ended up checking myself into a hospital for a short stay because I did not feel safe alone...the thoughts were too intense and the means too viable.
When I got out I told everyone and anyone who would listen. Including my family who knew nothing of the pg's to begin with up to this point. Everyone had mixed reactions. my sister was supportive, my mom worried and sad, and my dad was hung up on the fact that I got "knocked up" in the first place...eventually he calmed down with my mom's redirection and became worried about me as well. A few friends rallied to my side. i had been in therapy at this point already for over a year so i increased my sessions. I even told a few people at work about my hard time in order to explain the sudden weight loss and no longer caring about my appearance attire. One co-worker invited me to church and although I was not really religious I went. i needed something...anything...to get me through this VERY dark time. Church began to help. I read A Purpose Driven Life and became more motivated to live...i started Prozac and the depression began to ease.
In Sept my dr operated on my septum and removed it. he told me not to get pg for 3 months. The operation according to him was a success.
Soon everyone went on in their lives...forgetting about me, living alone in my little house with a dog and cat.
My ex b/f and I kept in touch. he made lots of broken promises, "we'll talk about getting back together when you're emotionally stable" "after work slows down" "after football season"(he was a coach)...then this last Dec. he became ill again. More tests were run. We feared the cancer was back. he was diagnosed with Pancretitis. His dr also has found that 2 lymphnodes that they had been watching due to growth patterns had grown a bit more. he is scheduled to have a phone conference with his oncologist tomorrow to determine when they will biopsy these nodes to determine if indeed they are cancer.
Well that brings us to today. I knew after having unprotected sex with him on Christmas Eve that I most likely ovulated early. I was anticipating it happening 5 days later actually because that had been my pattern 2 months prior...however this week i've been having a few pg symptoms; sore breasts, almost threw up doing dishes (seeing the old food), and been urinating a lot. these were all things that happened to me the last 2 times I was pg. So I tested Tues....negative. I was told by a friend to wait and retest Friday. being the anxious i can't wait for anything kind of girl I am, I tested this morning...there was a faint 2nd line! I tested again this afternoon and there was another line. Girls I am pregnant!
Well I was going to wait and tell ex b/f on Friday but he's going away on a retreat with his school (he works at a Christian school) and so i asked him today if we could meet tomorrow. Knowing me as he does he suspected I had something to discuss with him and began prying...he even said, "what? are you pg?" and laughed. i got frustrated over the fact that he wouldn't let up on it that finally i said, "fine ...yes I am pg" and he says, "very funny norina, no seriously what is it you want to talk to me about" And i told him i was serious. he was a complete jerk about the whole thing. Questionsing if it was his (mind you he has continually questioned if the last 2 pg's were his as well because he is completely convinced he is sterile despite the fact that he's had a semen analysis done and it's low, 3 million, but they're there). We had an arguement...I won't go into details as this post is long enough but basically he was a complete ##### later he said that he fears he may never see the baby if he ends up having cancer again. i understand he is fearful. Over the last six months I have done nothing but try adn understand him. i ahve stood by his side when he has pushed me away and treated me poorly. when he found out he was ill I was hopeful and supportive. Just this last weekend he had to work the Rose Parade (his school is on the parade route)...i brought him lunch and dinner as well as some thermals to put under his clothes because it was cold and I didn't want him eating junk food that might aggravate his pancreas. So with that said, I just wish he could see some good in this...i mean it's a baby...Someone to carry on his name. Someone he made with me...someone who will long walk this earth after both of us pass on (God willing). Just a little support yk?
He loves children. i always thought he would make a wonderful dad. i've seen him with his nephew whom he adores...he even trained our dog firmly but with love...I see the good in him, otherwise I would never been so irresponsible to even have continued to have unprotected sex with him. Yes I wanted a baby more than anything...i even thought it would be ok if I did it alone. but now that I'm facing it...i'm scared. I want him to step up. i want us to be a family. I know he has so much on his plate and I can not imagine what it must be like to be him...feeling sick most of the time (due to the pancretits, it makes him very nausaus and causes severe abdominal pain) and facing the possiblity of having cancer yet again. but I believe we can make this work...if only he would let us.
I am sure many people will find that what i've done is "stupid"...my good friend tonight and I had an arguement because she got mad that I let myself get pregnant from him. I will be 30 years old next month. i am self sufficent, I have a master's degree, a steady job, i am responsible, caring, and I want this baby so badly....I believe I will be a good mom...and I did create this baby from love because even after everything...i still really love Nathanael with all my heart.
I just wanted to introduce myself, let you all know where I'm coming from and ask for some support. I received support beyond anything I could have imagined on the m/c forum...they were actually who got me through many hard times.
I look forward to getting to know all of you as well.
Thank you for taking the time to read my sage ...
Sincerely,
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #2  
January 5th, 2006, 03:52 AM
LeedaRenee's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,923
Norina, first of all CONGRATS! I am so happy for you, maybe we will be in the same DDC?

Second, in addition to fearing that he wont get to see the baby, he might also be afraid of another MC. When I told DH I was PG this time around, he paused for a long time and sounded so lack luster in comparison to last time. It all boils down to he doesn't want to get his hopes up. so, what I am saying your bf is probably just trying to protect himself. On a side note, I hope he comes to realize what a wonderful person you are and how lucky he would be to have you in his life everday.

Lastly, you will be a great mom, but dont get too mad at your friend, she only has your best interest at heart.
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  #3  
January 5th, 2006, 08:37 AM
Ethans_Mommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Arizona!
Posts: 2,717
Quote:
Norina, first of all CONGRATS! I am so happy for you, maybe we will be in the same DDC?

Second, in addition to fearing that he wont get to see the baby, he might also be afraid of another MC. When I told DH I was PG this time around, he paused for a long time and sounded so lack luster in comparison to last time. It all boils down to he doesn't want to get his hopes up. so, what I am saying your bf is probably just trying to protect himself. On a side note, I hope he comes to realize what a wonderful person you are and how lucky he would be to have you in his life everday.

Lastly, you will be a great mom, but dont get too mad at your friend, she only has your best interest at heart.[/b]
Ditto, I couldnt have said it better! Just know we are here to support you and I am hoping for the best!
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  #4  
January 5th, 2006, 08:47 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,287
Congratulations Norina! You and your BF have been through more than your share of heartache and you should feel nothing but joy over this pregnancy. Sometimes guys just need a little more time to come around to the idea, especially when it's unplanned, but I'm sure that with time he will be the father you know he can be. I'm glad you finally got the help you needed to get you through, I hope your continued recovery is smooth. Just hang in there, try to ignore people who get you down, because the fact of the matter is, it doesn't matter what their opinions are, you're pregnant regardless of what they think, and you have to make the most of it! Take care....
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  #5  
January 5th, 2006, 12:38 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
Thanks ladies for the support. We met for breakfast this morning and he was better about the whole deal...said he scared to get his hopes up and most importantly is scared I will get my hopes up and this end badly as has been our past. I told him he should just get that out of his head because from day one you are attached. Anyway we had a good chat....he wants to take things "slow"...says us rushing doomed us in last time and he wants us to make it work this time. he agreed to go to therapy asap with me. He asked that we wait to see a heartbeat before telling the "world"...I thought that was agreeable. He said he is and will committ to being my "boyfriend" again regardless of what happens in this pregnancy. he is very nervous about his test results, discussed with me if this is cancer again that we're really in for a long road. He described a lot of what happened last time and says it saddens him that I may not be there with him for the treatment because of the pregnancy... and vice versa, anyway, we have a lot to figure out. He pointed out we don't have to make all our life decisions in a 2 hour breakfast meeting...good point .
I told him that I will no longer entertain the discussion of "is it mine?"...I told him I found it hurtful and insulting and that for the principle of it he does not have to worry I WILL make sure a paternity test is done. He just kinda laughed at me "putting my foot down".
he tried to tell me he's very concerned about my emotions and mental health because of what happened before and now I'll be going off my meds. I explained to him that I have the support on this board that I never had back then...I told him he knows NOTHING about my recovery period because he was NOT there...I told him he doesn't know the discussions I have held with all the women on the pg loss board, he knows nothing of my therapy sessions, nothing of the books I've read, the journaling I have done...
He finally admitted to not knowing "everything"...
Well let's see if his actions match his words this time around. Thanks for listening once again.
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #6  
January 5th, 2006, 03:55 PM
Veteran
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: New Jersey
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Norina-Girl first off congrats I know how much this sweet baby means to you I really do and it is truly a miracle. I think he will come around men are afraid of emotions and he certainly has so many emotions he is going through right now. I am always there for you always!!! I am so very happy for you-I think you are a super person, wonderful friend, this is a miracle and I want to be there for you every step of the way as much as I can through the internet. Have you talked to a Dr? Are you going to have any blood tests done? Now spread that dust over to me I test in 7 days I am hoping to be due in Sept. Huge hugs for you and continued prayers for the bf!!

Debby
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  #7  
January 5th, 2006, 09:52 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
Debby- that is the sweetest reply ever! thank you so much!!! I would love for you to be a part of this with me. that's it you are my new friend ...I will pray for you and i hope we can be in the same DDC...my dd is Sept 19!
B/f was a even better tonight about this...you're right he just needs time to come around. he's going on a spiritual retreat with the kids from his school this weekend so i'm hoping this little break will give him even more time to reflect and accept our miracle for what it is!!
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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