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Am I over-reacting?


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  #1  
January 18th, 2006, 12:23 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am so upset right now and I don't know if I'm entitled to be or if it's the whole pregnancy hormones making me feel this way. I told you all my b/f and were going to start therapy tonight...well I asked him if we're still going and he says, "I don't have it in me"...he's been feleing really sick...complaining that he thinks it may be mono. He's constantly exhausted no matter how much sleep he gets. He's gone from 175 to 158 in a few months. His appetite almost non-existent.
I knwo this and so I want to be understanding but at the same time this is so important to me...I guess I signed up for my needs to come second? he's at work and I asked if he could go home and rest but he syas he can't and has no one to cover basketball practice. I guess it upsets me because I wihs he would have made arrangements to have someone cover so he could rest and keep his committment to go to therapy tonight.
I'm making him pay the therapist $80 for the session regardless. I called and cancelled with her all together telling her I don't want to waste her time when he can't committ to the appts.
I guess I feel like this is for the baby and as always...I feel we don't matter. maybe I'm bringing up the past too much here and allowing that to taint my view right now. I don't know...any advice? i'm totally crying at work...
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  #2  
January 18th, 2006, 12:32 PM
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ok girl first of all. Breathe. I think that you need to talk to him....and make a deal...if you are going to do the family talk he needs to commit to counseling. BUT if he is really that sick tonight then that is fine, but he is responsible for rescheduling and showing his commitment that he's really in for the long haul this time. Let him know it is important to you, and you understand he doesn't feel well, but it's something that you are willing to do for you as a couple.

Now being the stubborn Norina I know, you're going to want to put your foot down and pout, but you can't... you have to just say "we need work on this together, but you have to work with me too" and have it at that.

Love you girly!
Farah
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  #3  
January 18th, 2006, 02:14 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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i've calmed down now..I'm gonna see him tonight so i'll see if i can talk to him about this then...thanks!
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #4  
January 18th, 2006, 03:13 PM
Blessings B's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Norina I do not know you very well, but here is my 2 cents. It sounds to me like your BF has a lot of excuses. When ever you have something you need, it comes to an excuse. I hope you will take care of yourself. You don't need him to be sucessful in therapy. You can only change your own behavior not his. I think that with a therapist you will be able to focus on you and gain some of your power back. I hope you will not give up on you. You have been though so much and focusing on you and healing is not a selfish thing. B
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  #5  
January 18th, 2006, 04:51 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Norina I do not know you very well, but here is my 2 cents. It sounds to me like your BF has a lot of excuses. When ever you have something you need, it comes to an excuse. I hope you will take care of yourself. You don't need him to be sucessful in therapy. You can only change your own behavior not his. I think that with a therapist you will be able to focus on you and gain some of your power back. I hope you will not give up on you. You have been though so much and focusing on you and healing is not a selfish thing. B [/b]
Thanks B...I am in therapy individually...have been for over 2 years now. I wanted us to attend couples therapy in an effort to become a really strong couple and be good parents for our baby. He is so full of excuses, you are right. the problem with him is that he cries wolf so much I don't know when to believe him. That's part of something I was hoping to work through in therapy. I stuggle between being understanding and desiring that my own needs be met...at least sometimes ya know? I know the sicknes thing isn't a farce but today it's the illness and before the illness it was what? him being a plain committment phobe. I frustrate myself I swear. I am planning on letting him know I don't want to have a "family mtg" with his dumb ***** (oops did I say that??) family until we can sit down and discuss it with a therapist first...honestly I don't trust he will entirely protect me because he is so strangely immeshed with them. he says he will but he isn't always a man of his word. We went to church last week and that was the theme...keeping your word. he took it to heart then but today...guess it's power wore off? He seems to feel that work, coaching basketball, and his family all come before me...if I'm gonna have his baby and this relationship is going to work am I being realistic to be the #1 priority in his life...that OUR family be that? maybe I'm asking too much too soon and he needs an adjustment period? We're suppose to go looking for a place to live together this weekend...*sigh* I feel a bit discouraged again.
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #6  
January 18th, 2006, 05:14 PM
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The tiredness and weightloss does have me a bit concerned. I would before anything else have him check in with a Dr. It may just be stress, it may be mono or something else. Regardless of what the cause is, he will be better able to deal with everything else when he is physically feeling more like himself.

Kaz
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  #7  
January 18th, 2006, 06:35 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
The tiredness and weightloss does have me a bit concerned. I would before anything else have him check in with a Dr. It may just be stress, it may be mono or something else. Regardless of what the cause is, he will be better able to deal with everything else when he is physically feeling more like himself.

Kaz[/b]
Hi Kaz...he's had every test run under the sun...blood tests, MRI, brain scan, cat scan. PET scan, bone marrow biopsy, ultrasound on his testicles...the dr's believe the cancer may be returning but if it is it's too soon to tell because all his results are still falling under the "normal" range...although slightly elivated from the last time.
There's been 4 outbreaks of mono at his work (high school)...he had mono as a kid and the virus can resurface if you're under stress or re-exposed. All his symptoms match mono. he has another appt with an internist tomorrow and he's gonna talk with him about it then. I am slightly concerned if he has mono because if I get it and I'm pg...well that's not a good combo.
We just had an arguement over something VERY dumb in my opinion. He compltely screamed at me over the phone because I text message his friend's wife whom he wants me to have nothing to do with (long story but basically she talks a lot of crap about b/f and he asked me to stop being friends iwht her...which I did). basically on new years I was feeling VERY lonely and i was a bit nostalgic about the year before...you see we spent new years with that couple and had so much fun...she was really one of the few people who tried to be there for me when I m/c. I agree she said some pretty mena and inappropriate things about him and thus why I agreed to sever the ties...plus it just made everyone uncomfortable when we were broken up ya know? Anyway apparently his friend told him about the text msgs (which were happy new years, i miss you, someday I'll explain better and her answers were happy new years to you, I miss you too, I look frioward to that day)...B/f had a freaking hissy that I "lied" to him and never told him about this. he made me cry at work...i was so upset I had to leave and I was hoping to work late tonight. I looked up stress and m/c...i feel like e-mailing him the articles I found. ipromised my baby I wouldn't do this to it...get upset like this but I can't help myself right now.
he's gonna call me back when he's "calmed down"...I am so anngry...mind you when this texting thing went on he and I weren't even toghether!
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #8  
January 18th, 2006, 09:45 PM
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Oh, Norina! I'm sorry that there is so much stress in your life right now, especially directly surrounding you and your baby and your futures! Not that it matters, but I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in: This friend was one of the few, it sounds, who was there for you in one of the most painful periods of your life, more so than, say, Nathanael's family. He lets you talk to them and THAT'S certainly not healthy. This friend did nothing wrong, and neither have you by texting her. You're an adult, which means that you finally get to choose your own friends. He hasn't always been there for you (sorry), so again, I don't think that he has much room to judge this woman!

I agree that you should be able to go to a counselor together first before the family meeting. It's a GREAT idea, in fact. You both need a chance to get together on it before you undoubtedly feel bombarded. (Again, going into this knowing that it's going to be, as you said, a s#!t on Norina meeting, you need all the friends and positive people you can get, including that friend.) You need to feel like you can trust him to act as a father and partner and to show that you and your baby together are his top priorities, not his sniveling brother and holier-than-thou mother. (Sorry...again, this reminds me of my family WAY too much...and I'm always in YOUR position!) He's also an adult with adult responsibilities. His mother raised him to go out and seek happiness. He's found it and she should be proud of herself for doing her job. His brother should be proud that Nathanael found a woman who wouldn't kill the brother on the street.

That said, I hope that you're feeling better about the whole thing this evening...was this argument tonight or earlier today? Is he going to go to a counselor? If he and the family and everything else stress you out too much, for your and your baby's sakes, you have every right to pull back and demand more patience and understanding than they're offering.

(((((HUGS))))) to you, sweetie, and I hope you get some well-deserved rest tonight!
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  #9  
January 18th, 2006, 10:01 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks Jessica...we ahd an additional discussion:
Basically he claims to be hurt that I kept this info from him (boo *$%# hoo)...this girl obviously stirred up trouble telling ehr husbadn about the text messages so I'm not all that happy with her...this is kinda what she does and why I pulled away to begin with despite her being good to me personally during the m/c's...she's just a lot of drama kwim? Anyway, i don't want to reunite with ehr...it was a weak moment...one weak moment. it makes me angry that he lets that definemy loyalty to him despite EVEYTHING i do for him...i told him I feel like he's simply looking for an excuse to cause problems between us.
Anyway we kind of just agreed to let it go. He said he would go to counseling another time, he just feels like crap right now. i told him I need to hear and feel I am important to him...he said, "obviously you are Norina"...i said "NO! Not obviously...you need to tell me and show it"...he said, "Norina you are very important to me"...
he jokes around a lot but it bothers me..c.all me insecure but like yesterday i showed up to drop him off a smootie and he says..."so how much did you weight this morning" it's like he plays on my weakness' ya know...I know I've already gain ed a little weight...i told him today it would be nice to hear, "you look pretty or I like that skirt" rather than "how much did you weight this mornign" I sear I probably just made you all hate him ten fold huh?
Ugh sometiems he's sweet...like when he runs his fingers through my hair or he does tell me he likes my hair like that (straight and down)...but it';s so far and few between...i think the whole, 'he's just with you because you're pg" is running through my head right now I think i folled myself into thinking we would just bounce right into being the family I always wanted...
on the other hand it's only been 2 weeks since we found out...maybe I should give him more time to get use to this all?
he said we're gonna go look for a place to live together this weekend...
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #10  
January 19th, 2006, 06:25 AM
hopin4a4rth
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Norina,

I'd be upset too... I think that couple counseling is a really good thing if you need it... and I agree that it sounds like he is making excuses.

Has he been tested for mono?? The weight loss & exhaustion sounds a bit scary.
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  #11  
January 19th, 2006, 08:52 AM
soontobemommyto3
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Norina, you aren't going to like what I'm going to say but I could either tell you want you want to hear or be a true friend and tell you the way I see it.

I think you are expecting him to change just because you are pregnant. That isn't going to happen. Unfortunately babies can't make it all better. I think the same problems you had before are still there and it is obvious in the way he is treating you. Yeah things got better for a week or two but now he's back to the same stuff.

Also he is sick. He sounds like he is suffering a lot physically. Losing that much weight quickly is a concern for sure. I guess you can either cut him some slack for being ill, knowing while he is sick you and the baby can not be first. He will have to be first in his life if he is ill. Or you can continue to get upset because he isn't giving you the life you want. I'm not sure he CAN give you what you want. The perfect husband/father stuff. So far, from what I know about you and your relationship, he hasn't shown that he can. I don't know if it is because he is so sick or if he is just a selfish person.

I'm sure this didn't help. But I didn't want to candy coat an answer for you, you are a smart, strong woman and deserve to be happy. If he can't be there for you, then you need to be there for yourself and the baby. Your baby needs you now, if he is in the picture or not. Know what I mean?

Take care of yourself and your baby first.
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