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Sorry to have been absent for so long. I have been following your updates and thinking of you all. I am now about 18 weeks and doing ok. I have for a few weeks been bleeding/spotting on and off but the placenta guru has declared my pregnancy intact at this point. Maybe it is the stress of the past few weeks plus the normal anxieties of being pregnant after recurrent losses but I am so down today worrying about all kinds of things that I can't control. For example, I have had a sore throat for a few days that doesn't seem to be turning into a regular cold and am so terrified this is a sign that I have contracted CMV (as part of the work-up for my losses I know I have no immunity to CMV ). This is of course not logical since most CMV infections are apparently asymptomatic. However, I googled CMV (huge mistake) and all the websites warn of horrible outcomes when a mother catches CMV for the first time while pregnant and advise pregnant women to practice "meticulous hygeine" including "avoiding contact with children under 6". This makes me so irritated - how can I do this when I am the mother of the most affectionate 4 year old in history! I know this is totally out of my control and I have no clear reason for believing I have contracted CMV but am so worried. It also doesn't help that I went through a CMV scare when I was pregnant with my daughter when some anomolies were seen on ultrasound so these worries are so familiar.
So.... I think I need a little pep talk. Maybe after multiple losses it is so hard to beleive that I can have another child that I can't stop thinking about all the things that will prevent it. My big ultrasound is next Wednesday and I am praying all will look well.
I wish I had some magic words to make you feel better. I guess just knowing you are NOT alone and the fear is not silly.... it's very real might help. I think most of it have felt it our entire pregnancies.
I think what has worked the best for me is when I get in that funk.... to look in the mirror and keep saying "this baby is going to be okay.....I WILL hold this baby at the end of those 9 months" Look yourself right in the eyes and don't stop until you believe those words. It doesn't matter how hard you cry.... it actually made me feel better to get all those fears out through tears while I was alone.
I still fear something will go wrong...and I am a week away from my EDD. The fear is always there for me and I wish I didn't have this wall up when it comes to loving this child too much, but I can't help it. I love him soooo much but not with my entire being yet. If that makes sense. I know once I hear him cry and hold him those feelings will kick in, but right now I am still afraid.
I just want you to know you aren't alone and we all understand.
__________________ Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (18) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (2)step-mom to: Stephany (22) and Krista (19) step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (1 month)
On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3