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  #1  
January 30th, 2006, 08:16 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hi ladies...just thought I'd catch ya up to speed since you were all so kind to offer me caring and supportive advice about this whole idea of a "meeting" wiht my b/f's family...well it kinda happened in prompt to yesterday...what happened was my b/f told his mom and sister and a few friends abotu em being pg...he did not tell his brother for fear of how he would react but didn't want to leave him out in the cold for long so yesterday he called and asked him to come over...his brother gave him a hard time and b/f kept saying "please come over" like 100 times which is so not like him...finally he became angry and said nevermind...about 30 min later his brother comes through the door w/his wife. B/f asked him to step outside and they were only there for a minute when they returned (I later learned that b/f asked him why he was being so difficult and that his brother said something "rude" that's all he told me so b/f said nevermind again and walked in the house)...as we're sitting ther b/f tells his brother and wife I am pg and we're getting amrried in a few weeks (we've come to that decision recently). Basically his brother and wife sit in complete silence with the most disappointed looks on their faces...for what seemed forever till his mom (who was in the room) attempted to alleviate the situation by informing his brother that she only found out the day before and that she was happy etc...B/f said to his brother "well we're happy so you don't need to be"...his brother scoffed and said to b/f that he had been "lying" to him because he never told him about he and I being together in the first place...this exploded into b/f standing up...yelling, cussuing, and berating his brother for not being supportive and that it was his attitude which prevented himf rom sharing with him sooner...it got ugly...I'm sitting ther and I start crying (darn hormones! plus I have never seen b/f this angry before)...b/f said to his brother that he has had it with him disrespecting me that he will treat me with the utmost respect that he demands that his own wife receive....his brother asked him to calm down...his mom pointed out we weren't going to be able to have any productive conversation with the type of dialogue that was going on now...b/f finally sat down...we were able to all speak clearly, calmly, and succinctly from that point forward...asking for one another patience...explaining where some past actions came from (basically hurt)...each acknoledging that it could have been handled different from the get go...it was decided that instead of omitting information or lying b/f would simply tell his family when we felt that something was not of their concern. Two main boundaries were set...they were not to interfere/comment on sex anf finanaces 9those are two big button items with me ) and that I asked that we be given the ability to decided what's right for "us" b/f and I with this baby as a family unit because he and I coming from two different worlds need to find our palce as a couple, parents, man and wife...his brother's wife spoke up and stated she empathized much with me being that she too comes from a different upbringing than her husband's family and she suggested to b/f that if I ask him to keep something personal that he keep my secrets..she explained it makes her feel protected and loved...he thanked her for that bit of advice...things became very emotional discussing b/f's health...his sister later joined in this discussion and asked him his "dream"/goal...b/f said "to see this baby born" and broke down crying...Ihe is not a crier mind you...so of course this gets everyone crying...his brother asks us both to look him in the eye...which we do and he says "whatever past issues we had die here for me...i will give you my utmost support and respect"...as he spoke he began crying...
After the discussion took palce everyone kind of sat around for a bit...when his brother left he came and gave me a very long and tight hug and said "congratulations"....
B/f later thanked me for all I said (believe it or not left a lot of the dicussion part out of this post or else I'd be writing all day )
When I went home that night his mom called me...she also thanked me for allowing the dialogue to ensue and for forgiving them for their shortcomings...she told me "I am so proud of you for sticking with it, i know it was hard but you held yourself with such grace)...she said she hoped I felt better...i sadi i did...she told me to crawl in bed knwoing that I and this baby were loved....
So something that started out rather rocky and ugly was able to be worked out...i'm devoted to my family (b/f this baby and I) and thus realize that our circle can become as close or as large as we need it to within the context of everyone being "inside"...
Thanks for listening...
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"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #2  
January 30th, 2006, 08:33 AM
LeedaRenee's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Wow, sounds like things went well. I am glad that ya'll were able to resolve a lot of issues. His mom sounds like a sweetheart, btw. I think once the baby is born, it will help to bring you all even closer together. Also, congrats on getting married!! Are you having a wedding or just going down the JoP? We took the latter route.
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  #3  
January 30th, 2006, 08:35 AM
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Oh Norina, this is such good news to hear. I imagine knowing that the family is behind you and b/f, it will make this pregnancy much less stressful.

Amy
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  #4  
January 30th, 2006, 08:55 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thank you ladies...yes Amy i feel less stressed already and I am happy that b/f is at peace as well...
Renee...we're still contemplating...we were thinking the JoP route and having a cermemony/reception next year after the baby is born...like a renewal of vows...but his sister pointed out that due to his health uncertainty that mayeb we would want to do somethingsmall and offered her best friend's backyard (it's beautiful) and that she would take pictures (she's kinda of an ametuer photographer)...I'm not sure still...any feedback?
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #5  
January 30th, 2006, 09:19 AM
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Norina, I'm so happy for you! I'm glad that things went well and that you were able to have the air cleaned out. I'm SO SO happy that b/f stood up for you and he defended you to his brother. Sometimes that's all it takes (my dh told his sister that she needed to get over her issues with me and I told her I'd be in the family for a very long time).

As for the wedding, something small and nice. That way you always have pictures of something great! Girl I can totally help you out with all of that!! I'm a pro at wedding planning (actually contemplate being a wedding planner during the summers!) So I have your back on that.

I'm very very happy for you!!!

XOXO
Farah
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  #6  
January 30th, 2006, 09:42 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Norina, I'm so happy for you! I'm glad that things went well and that you were able to have the air cleaned out. I'm SO SO happy that b/f stood up for you and he defended you to his brother. Sometimes that's all it takes (my dh told his sister that she needed to get over her issues with me and I told her I'd be in the family for a very long time).

As for the wedding, something small and nice. That way you always have pictures of something great! Girl I can totally help you out with all of that!! I'm a pro at wedding planning (actually contemplate being a wedding planner during the summers!) So I have your back on that.

I'm very very happy for you!!!

XOXO
Farah[/b]
you are so sweet! thanks for the offer...i am sure I will elicit your advice !!
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #7  
January 30th, 2006, 09:44 AM
Prudence's Avatar Super Mommy
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Norina I am so happy that your are in this point of your life right now. I cried reading your post I know the long road you are coming from. There isn't much I can offer to you at this moment but I do want you to know I am happy for you.
Now all you need to do is sit back and enjoy your well deserved life your have.
Congratulations on getting married, it will be beautiful, sometimes smaller is more better, bebe's are small!!
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  #8  
January 30th, 2006, 09:54 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Norina I am so happy that your are in this point of your life right now. I cried reading your post I know the long road you are coming from. There isn't much I can offer to you at this moment but I do want you to know I am happy for you.
Now all you need to do is sit back and enjoy your well deserved life your have.
Congratulations on getting married, it will be beautiful, sometimes smaller is more better, bebe's are small!![/b]
I love your analogy that baby's are small!!!!!!!!!! you are so cute! Thank you for your support! I have gotten through this long road with your friendship...i don't think I would have been able to w/o it
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #9  
January 30th, 2006, 11:18 AM
soontobemommyto3
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I'm so glad that things went well with the meeting! That must be a huge burden off of your mind.

Out of curiosity. I've known you for awhile now, and have been there when your B/F was being a total @ss. What changed his mind to all of a sudden get married and be a family when he was so on the fence about it before? The reason I ask is I am concerned. I hope that you two will continue to get some counseling because you went through a lot and when the honeymoon phase of the marriage and baby is over (and it always ends) you will still have to face those issues that were dividing you before. I know this sounds harsh in light of your sucessful family meeting, but in my heart I don't trust your b/f or his family. I have seen them hurt you too many times to think that they would change after just one conversation.

I hope it all works out wonderfuly, but please continue to work at it with your b/f so that you don't fall back into bad habbits or in a moment of anger bring up past hurtful things. It can happen, I know first hand. My marriage is wonderful, but we have had our moments or rocky/hard times.
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  #10  
January 30th, 2006, 12:00 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I can understand your concern and appreciate it Susan...I know it comes form a heart of love...
I feel that at this moment I have to deal with what life has in front of me...i can choose to dwell on the past, hold onto hurts, be resentful and keep my walls up...or I can try this again with an open heart. I feel my baby deserves me trying this with an open heart. i have prayed about this for weeks...months now...i feel like many of my prayers are being answered. I feel like b/f and I have a special connection and although there were times...and probably will be times to come, that he has handled things in ways I do not support, perhaps this was his wake up call? they say God works in mysterious ways...we are facing a number of very serious things here...marrigage, his heath concerns, the baby...why...why now after all we've been through? I feel it's only my job to embrace it....try it...love in the ways I know how...
B/f has made a sudden turn around, I see that...this is something I had hoped for...for him to let down his walls and see what's in front of him. Now that it's happened I have chosen not to nick pick why? But instead be grateful and thank God for this sudden and welcomed "awakening"...
As for one conversation with his family...I believe things can change after just one talk...I've seen it happen with my clients and now in my own life. Yes we will all have to be cognecent of not falling back into bad habits...they are very hard to break but it';s making the committment to do that that is a very important first step.
I am happy...for once I am happy...I want to embrace it and enjoy it...after the year I had last year if there's one thing I've learned is that this feeling I have right now in my heart probably will not last forever...I'm not going to spend this rare and precious time being scared and guarded...
Mistakes will be made...that I am not naive to. i honestly feel we're dedicated to making this work ...that's all I can ask and move forward with. What will come will come...
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #11  
January 30th, 2006, 04:16 PM
*~Candy~*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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oh hun, sounds like you have traveled down a long road, I am just glad that you guys were able to work through it all and I hope they continue to stand behind you. You need all the support you can receive right now, stress is not good for the baby. I am hear to listen if you ever need to vent.

So glad to hear you are going to get married, how fun!! I love planning weddings...IF you can make it through wedding planning, you can make it through anything (or so i say )
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  #12  
January 31st, 2006, 02:54 AM
gtsscott's Avatar Veteran
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I can't find the cry Smiley!!

So glad everything has finally taken a turn for all of you. Glad to hear that you BIL 2 Be (CONGRATULATIONS BY THE WAY ) finally had that ability to break through whatever his problems were and find a mutual level of respect with you and your Fiance.

Good luck for the wedding, hope it runs smoothly!! Sadly I am in Australia or I would have offered to do your Wedding Photography. It'll be a great day.......OMG I am so excited for you!! LOL I must sound like a nutcase!

Ok, all the best
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  #13  
January 31st, 2006, 05:15 AM
Prudence's Avatar Super Mommy
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Back to the Susan question, I've been looking at it as he finally is thinking for himself. Listening to the right ppl. Not let his family determine how he spends the rest of his life. Maybe deciding for himself that this is what will make him happy.

It is hard to stand up to your family. I am still a bit bitter about my b/f not taking a stand to his. I think it puts a little stress. His step mom called him at work because they finally found out his Sister was prego. She played games with him on the phone. I am proud he never gave into the fight and there game that they play, because its all it is.

Sometimes ppl need to know who is worth the fight. I think it is important my b/f and Norina's to know we are not the ones trying to cause hurt, I think He realizes there really is much less drama taking the right side, and Shouldn't worry so much on hurting ppls feelings that are wrong. If his family loves him truely trying to protect him, out of love, they will let him make his own decsions on what makes him happy. He is a grown man.

Well anyways thats how I saw the post and what was going on. If it makes any sense, I can't type as fast as I think.
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  #14  
January 31st, 2006, 08:30 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Doxielover and gtsscot thank you! gtsscott you didn't sounds like a nutcase t me you made me smile!!

June, thanks for your perspective...we're thinking of getting married 2/10...just at the courthouse, his sister will take a few pcitures in the beautiful rose garden next to the courthouse and then we'll have dinner with immediate family and a few friends each...we will begin planning for a renewal of vows and reception next year on the same date...

i have to call my parents today...very nervous!
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #15  
February 1st, 2006, 05:47 AM
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I am not as up to speed as everyone else, but congrats on his family accepting you which seems like it took a long time. Good for you guys
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  #16  
February 1st, 2006, 08:47 AM
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Oh I'm so glad that went well. I remember what relief I felt after being put in a similar situation with my in laws. Just know now that the hard part is over and things should be getting easier with time.
Congratulations on you wedding! I'm sure it will be wonderful!
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