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UGH... depression :(


Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
February 17th, 2009, 05:00 PM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
I am thinking I have PPD I am 100% not myself. I am having a hard time even enjoying Matthew. I can't help but think if I let myself love him too much he will not be here anymore. My losses are really hitting me hard right now. I miss my angels more than ever. I am scared to death of my sister losing her baby and she has had two u/s and show the baby is just fine. She had one today and is still measuring on time..... 13w3d now. I am just so scared of loss right now. I know these feelings are CRAZY but I am sooo upset lately. I am also upset with the entire birth I had with Matthew. I don't ever want to go through that again. I never thought I would feel soooo glad it is over. I was soooo looking forward to it. Now I feel guilty. I am so tired... I have a hard time even forcing myself to take a shower, let alone get anything done around here.

I have a Dr apt on Thursday...and man am I glad. I think I need some help. All I want to do is and sleep. I think part of it is Dave and I are usually soooo close but now with Matthew taking up all my time I have none left to spend with Dave. I feel like my life is nothing like it was before. I just need a little attention and I can't seem to figure out how to ask for it without crying my eyes out.

So, if you are wondering where the Matthew pics are.... my camera is really lonely while I deal with this. I feel like such a bad mom. I should be snapping pics left and right.... but just can't find the energy.

I promise to be back to the board soon..... I really miss you girls I feel a little better after typing that all out. Sigh. Thanks for listening
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Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

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  #2  
February 17th, 2009, 06:05 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
Oh Bobbie, I'm so sorry you feel this way. You know what? I think bringing Erin home made me realize just what I had missed with Cora, and I felt like I almost had to start over again in the grieving process. So don't feel bad for missing your angels right now. And I'm not surprised that you are needing to come to terms with the birth process too. You had such high hopes, that seemed rather simple, and everything seemed to go wrong for you. So what you're feeling is understandable.

I'm glad you're going to talk to a doctor. Hopefully you'll be able to get to the point where you can just be happy and enjoy your little guy. I'll keep you in my prayers.

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  #3  
February 17th, 2009, 06:07 PM
kellyanne's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Washington
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Bobbie - my heart goes out to you, hun. PPD really isn't fair! Mine didn't kick in for several months after DD was born, but it sounds similar to what you are experiencing. I was so anxious and worried. I worried about ridiculous, illogical things too. I'm glad that you are able to talk to the doc about it. I know it helped me tremendously to talk to DH about it too....once he could understand a bit more, he was much more supportive. Thanks for checking in and please keep us posted on how your meeting with the doc goes.

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3 angels Feb, Mar, Aug of 2008
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  #4  
February 17th, 2009, 06:59 PM
dee68's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Illinois ( originally From New Jersey:)
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I wish I could just reach out and give you a hug !!
what you are going through is completely understandable....and i would have never thought that if I never had Katie.
our bodies and minds go through so very much, the mix of emotions is just overwhelming...and almost never ending at times.

I cried my eyes out also...and argued with Mick when just a simple "I understand" or even a hug would have made all of the difference in the world.

I had a hard time enjoying my baby also....I was terrified, I couldnt nurse, she would just scream and I would cry...I really thought I would lose my mind, and looking back I probably should have talked to someone. I am glad that you will.
exhaustion and hormones just do mean things to us, and it sucks plain and simple sweetie.

Please just know that we are all here and some are just a call or text away

we love you !!!
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  #5  
February 17th, 2009, 07:29 PM
woohoo502's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Illinois
Posts: 6,635
Aw hun, I'm sorry your are going through this. I'm glad that you will be talking to your doctor. I hope they can help you feel better!
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  #6  
February 17th, 2009, 08:22 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Oklahoma City
Posts: 5,660
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. I experienced some of what you are going thru after I had DS. It was so hard b/c I felt like I lost all my freedom. I missed my time with DH and even running out to do something simple like go to the grocery store alone. I felt so alone, like I was the only person in the world when I was up at 3am with a screaming baby and DH was sleeping in bed. I resented him for getting to keep his normal life while mine had been turned upside down over night. I am worried about it again this time around but I'm glad I realize now that is a real possibility. I was in total denial the first time around and didn't even realize what was happening to me at the time.

The best thing about this for you is that you see that you are struggling and are willing to ask for help and find someone to talk to. And lack of sleep does horrible things to your mind and body! It will be ok.. just keep making it thru, one day at a time, and talk to your doc on Thursday.

Hugs to you Bobbie!
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  #7  
February 18th, 2009, 05:29 AM
Danielley08's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Posts: 3,594


First off...definately talk to your doctor...I had NO idea what I was going through was PPD after Keegan but after talking with my doctor he said I had pretty much every symptom in the book...and within about 2 weeks of meds I was like a totally diff person...

I can only imagine how difficult it is having Matthew home knowing you should have had so many other babies to experience the same things with...and what you are feeling seems completely normal for a woman that has been through everything you have in the last 7 years...

You know we are always here for you...

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  #8  
February 18th, 2009, 06:24 AM
*becky*'s Avatar Mommy to Bailey & Camryn
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 6,294
Oh hon, I'm so sorry to hear this!! TONS of hugs for you!!!

I'm glad you're seeing a doctor soon, they will get you the help you need. Hang in there and we're here when you need us.
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  #9  
February 18th, 2009, 07:32 AM
mom 2 haley & tyler's Avatar formerly mommy2haley17
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: TX
Posts: 8,212
Bobbie, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I actually just started taking Lexapro (anti depressant) All I did was sit around here and cry. I couldn't function. I've only been taking it for a few days now, and am starting to feel better. I also was feeling lost. I feel like I have no time for Scotty or Haley anymore. I'm trying to adjust to that though. I'm just having to make time, even though I'm exhausted. I truly hope you get to feeling better soon. I'm here if you need to talk.
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  #10  
February 18th, 2009, 07:46 AM
Mommy2Makenna's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Florida
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Bobbie,

My heart goes out to you (and your family). I don't have any experience in this, but just wanted to give you hugs!
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  #11  
February 18th, 2009, 08:04 AM
*Pamela*
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Awww hun, I wish I could give you a great big hug too. This is so common and I'm so glad it's more recognized now and accepted early on. I didn't really have it with Gabriella, but the first few months are so hard. I actually questioned if I could do it, I feel tremendous guilt. We all know we love our babies more than anything.

I was so sleep deprived that all I wanted to do was sleep and you all know what a cluster feeder I had and whenever she was away, all she wanted to do was eat so when she was sleeping of course I was trying to keep my toddler to his indoor voice, I felt horrible about just wanting her to sleep because I knew what was coming....she would cluster feed for hours or feed every half hour. I so badly just wanted to enjoy her awake and not feeding. She has always been fed on demand and never has to cry for feeding so she has always been taken care of, but I just felt horrible for thinking that. I think the feeding was the most stressful thing. After the c section, it took forever for my milk to come in and I can't tell you how many times I felt like switching her to formula.

Forget any time with my husband......we went from a hug and a kiss and an I love you every night to just falling asleep. I felt like I never spent any time with him or even my other children. It was very hard with Ethanael becasue he is only 3. So it's really hard when you are being pulled in every direction.

To top it off, my husband had nearly 6 weeks off but was only there for me the first week because he spend most of his time in the garage trying to meet a deadline for work. So even more demand on me while recovering to get things done.

My husband and I are pretty much back to where we were, she only gets up once and she loves to sleep in and her feedings are so much better now.

I guess what I'm saying is.....it will get better, this is a huge adjustment for all of you. The important thing is, you are seeking help.

and dont ever think you are a bad mom. I'm not overloaded with pic of Gabriella, just too tired.
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  #12  
February 18th, 2009, 09:08 AM
kalis's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: IL
Posts: 6,523
HUGS to you Bobbie. it is so hard and i know that i had so many of the same, seemingly, illogical fears that Thea would be taken from me. but, thankfully, that has gotten better with time. i am glad to hear that you will talking to your doctor, they will be able to help you out & we are always here for you.
and don't worry about crying your eyes out to ask for a little attention. new moms are so busy caring for baby, that we neglect ourselves and let our DH/SO neglect us also b/c we are too proud or don't know how to ask for what we need too. but i have found it is important to our relationship since we have had the baby to let justin know what i need. if i don't i just feel bad and then get angry with him.
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  #13  
February 18th, 2009, 09:27 AM
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I am so sorry bobbie PPD really sucks and I am so glad you recognize it now because you can get help and get to feeling better faster and get that camera out!!!! itll get better!! as far as the fear goes, I experienced it BIG time, after losing my baby, then my mom right before corbin was born, i felt like he would be taken from me too, that I couldnt experience pure happiness ever. I would go to bed crying and feel positive that he was going to die of SIDS that night, it was horrible, I still feel like that sometimes but its WAY better! we are all here for you girl!
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  #14  
February 18th, 2009, 05:22 PM
angelmomjen's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: South Carolina
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Bobbie,
I know its so so hard sweety. Hormones, pain, sleep depravation and a baby needing SO much all the time, well its so overwhelming. Dont beat yourself up, you love that baby, and you are a good mom. I agree with Britt that bringing your lil one home, really makes you think of all the times you missed, the sweet moments. Im crying thinking of it, because it hurts so bad, and Im so sorry that you or anyone else ever has to feel this pain.
Im sure your sister is going to be fine, and the time will fly by and her lil one will be here with you and her and Matthew to grow together..many many hugs sweety.
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  #15  
February 18th, 2009, 05:45 PM
Melanie0507's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Ohio
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Bobbie

I am so sorry you are going through this. It has been so long since I had ds, so I don't have much advice, but I think all these other ladies have had some great input!!

I am glad you you have a doctors appt tomorrow and hope he can give you something to help you feel better quickly.

Take your time, feel better, and we hope to see you (and some new pics) soon!!!

Love ya hun!!
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  #16  
February 19th, 2009, 06:41 AM
tparum's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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came on here to check on ya and i see this im sry to hear of ppd it sucks big time i went threw it with clayton big time.

and thanking of ya
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  #17  
February 19th, 2009, 08:43 PM
ShannonMVT's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Posts: 10,874
I'm sorry you are going through this Bobbie. I hope your doctor can help and you are feeling more like yourself soon.


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