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I feel so sad :( sorry but I need to get this out


Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
March 14th, 2009, 03:34 PM
princesskate's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: huddersfield, west yorkshire
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Im really freaking out and I dont know why. I like lurking in the DDC's that are having their babies now, yeah im weird, I know. But I was reading some birth stories and looking at pics and I started crying.

I am so scared something is going to happen to my baby now and I wont have a baby to hold at the end of all this. I just want to have a healthy pregnancy, and a healthy baby at the end of it all. But I am scared I wont get that. I dont know why, but I feel that my losses were a punishment for something, maybe I did something wrong? Maybe I am not a good mum, I dont know.

I want to use my doppler every day but I know I cant, it says in the box 2-3 times a week. I love the couple of minutes I get listening to my baby. But on days I dont listen (like today) I freak out. And today I am having so stretching pains and stuff down there, its a but uncomfy but thats freaking me out too.

And this is going to make me sound horrible, but I do love my baby I really do. But I just cant get excited about this pregnany. I am too scared too. There are days where i feel everything is fine and on days like that I buy something - like yesterday. I bought some sleepers. But part of me wishes I didnt buy them, incase something happens.

This is going to make me sound horrid too, but I really envy women who have never suffered a loss before. I dont if they worry like I do, but pregnancy is meant to be happy, not full of fear When I was pregnant with my son, I was young but so excited to meet him and I didnt really ever worry. I wasnt aware of all the things that could go wrong so I wasnt scared and I didnt worry really. I can never experience that again and right now, I hate they way I feel


I want to be excited. I want to buy loads of cute things. I want to hold and love my baby at the end of all this. I want to be happy but I cant


Im sorry if this makes no sense at all. It probabky seems so jumbled up and sounds stupid. But I needed to get it out and I dont have anyone to talk to, well not anyone who would understand

Thanks for reading x
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Last edited by princesskate; March 14th, 2009 at 03:43 PM.
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  #2  
March 14th, 2009, 03:47 PM
..Red..'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Posts: 2,952
Hey Kate, I feel the same way. I don't have a doppler so I don't even get that reassurance. I am just trying to focus on some of the other things that are going well (which honestly isn't much). My DH is healthy and not in the hospital, the girls are doing well in school, and I just got free maternity clothes! Outside of that I just wait till my next appointment. My angelversary though is next week, so I might ask to move up my appointment, but I'll see about that on Monday. It's all I can do to keep sane. I've got this awful cold so I can't do much physical stuff to occupy myself. But know that it is totally understandable and you are not alone.
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  #3  
March 14th, 2009, 04:15 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Kate honey, I think we can all say that we've felt that way. I know I did, and do. I'm envious of those blissfully ignorant pregnant ladies too. I think that one of the worst parts of a loss is not only are you robbed of your baby(ies), but you're robbed of the innocent joy of pregnancy. Like you said, pregnancy is supposed to be happy.

Something I did, though, was to constantly remember that I WAS pregnant that day/hour/minute. No matter what, you are pregnant right now.

I wished so much, when I was pregnant, to just close my eyes and will myself forward in time.


And one last thing (I feel like I'm blabbering): It IS NOT a punishment. You and I have done nothing to deserve this. None of us have. It's not because you are a bad mom. Your children are healthy, beautiful and happy, how can you be a bad mother?
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  #4  
March 14th, 2009, 06:02 PM
Mum2three's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Kate Honey thats ok to feel like that. I know to be honest here I was so scared to Bond with Makenna's pregnancy. I to was so scared that something was going to happen and I was going to be let down once again. We all have that feeling that we are bad moms or something, but we arent. Cause how many more hugs and kisses do your other children get from you compaired to before. Im not going to tell you to relax cause its not that easy. but speaking about it helps more. I to wish that no one had to have fears of losing a child. Its something that God wanted us to go through tho. To open our hearts and reach out for others. to get us out of our nut shell and not to take life for granted. Thats how I've had to tell myself over the years. And in the end when your holding your sweet dear child in your arms your not going to forget about what you have went through to have that child. Just love yourself and your baby. and Things shall work out in your favor. Keep thinking positive!

Gotta keep that Faith!
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  #5  
March 14th, 2009, 06:36 PM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I didn't read the responses yet... but....

Kate.... big deep breath I used my doppler every day with few exceptions. Some weeks I used it up to five times a day. I say get it out and just take a quick listen whenever you feel like you need it. I think a calm mommy is more important to that growing baby.

I think what you are feeling is 100% normal and we have all been there. I wish I could say it gets easier but honestly it doesn't....at least not for me it didn't. I found when I could give in and buy baby stuff, I couldn't buy anything other than preemie or newborn. I just couldn't fathom him actually coming home and being okay. I still worry that something will happen to him, but the freak outs are getting farther apart now.... like only when he is out of my arms. LOL

Take it one day at a time. That is my only real advice. Try to think positive in the moment and not worry about the next. You don't have to be that happy go lucky pregnant woman we all long to be again. PAL just doesn't make that possible sometimes.....but it does make us better mommies.... IMO. We know what a blessing these babies are and once they are here love them all the more knowing what we have lost in the past. Try to enjoy the little milestones in pregnancy and just focus on the next one, not the ones weeks from now. It makes it feel more attainable.... if that makes sense? Baby steps... I guess. This web site is great for making a countdown type thing..... just click on the link at the top to "create your own".

http://www.ehd.org/pregnancy-calendar.php?id=6717

Freaking out is what this board is here for....and why those of us not PG stick around. To help the PG girls get through the freakouts

Lots of I hope by the time you read this you are already feeling better
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step-mom to: Stephany (24) and Krista (21)
step-grandma to: Wesley, Rosemarie, Scarlett



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon.
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

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  #6  
March 14th, 2009, 07:39 PM
cherryblossom88's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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your not horrible i think we all feel that way.
i know i do. its like the innocense of pregnany was stolen from us. and we worry. and try not to get attached. cause were so scared to get hurt again. all we can do is take car of ourselves and hang in there.
hugs
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  #7  
March 15th, 2009, 03:11 AM
madmum_sarah's Avatar formally sarah_the_sane_1
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dont have much time to reply but kate, use your doppler. there is no harm in using it every day. i used it sometimes 3 times a day with sadie (the boys used to fall asleep listening to her)
the stress caused by not using it is far worse than doing so
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  #8  
March 15th, 2009, 04:02 AM
fairy9800's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh hun (((HUGS))) You are not horrible for feeling these things. I think we have all felt them too. I would give anything to be as niave as I was when I was pg with my first 2. I say get out your doppler and listen to that beautiful heartbeat if you need to!!
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  #9  
March 15th, 2009, 06:32 AM
.x~KAT~x.'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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oh Kate!i swear i could have wrote that post! being pregnant is really hard for me to, i feel frightened to talk to people about my baby, just incase it all goes wrong. But you know what, every day that goes by i relax just a little bit more! Im never getting pregnant again LOL
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  #10  
March 15th, 2009, 07:50 AM
Melanie0507's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Kate

I think we all definitely understand what you are going through. I think the ladies have written wonderful responses...pretty much took the words out of my mouth.

But, I do want to emphasize that, at least for me, it does get easier the further along you get. It is so reassuring to be able to feel that precious life moving around inside of you. When I got the point where I could feel him moving, I was no longer afraid to go to my doctors appts. I also felt like I could start buying things for him.

Am I completely at ease? NO! I still find it a little hard to bond with him, just because I am worried about the 'what-ifs', but I just try to take it one day at a time.

I hope you get some comfort out of some of the advice from these wonderful women. Just remember, we are here for you!
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  #11  
March 15th, 2009, 07:52 AM
princesskate's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks ladies. I did read your replies last night, but I was still feeling really down and too upset to reply. I hope you dont think I was being rude, I just needed a bit of time, and some sleep, to get my head back together.

I used my doppler last night and this morning. It was lovely and reasurring to hear the heartbeat. But I still feel scared, dont know why really.

..Red.. I too am finding it hard to do something physical to occupy myself as I am so tierd all the time. I hardly have the energy to get out of bed on a morning never mind anything else. I wish I could stay in bed all the time lol.

Brittanie, when you said Something I did, though, was to constantly remember that I WAS pregnant that day/hour/minute. No matter what, you are pregnant right now it did give me some comfort. I AM pregnant right now, and I am sooo grateful for that. I guess I will just have to take each day is it comes.

Mum2three, this that you said also brought me some comfort - Its something that God wanted us to go through tho. To open our hearts and reach out for others. to get us out of our nut shell and not to take life for granted. I can totally relate to it. Sometimes I just wish a doctor could tell me why i lost my babies though. The ectopic I can deal with, because I know that babu never stood a chance, but the others...I am at a loss with. I guess God chose me to go through that to make me a better person I guess?

Bobbie, thank you so much for saying you used your doppler every day. I was scared to because I read somewhere that it can harm the baby if you use it too much. Now you are living proof that thats bullsh!t lol. You have an absolutly GORGEOUS lil guy to prove that. And that link is so cool, I made my own I did get a little confused a first because when I put my dates in it was saying I am in my 11th week, but then I noticed that the age of the actual baby from conception is shown, not the LMP

Cherryblossom - Thank you. I am glad to know I am not alone in feeling this way, although I wouldnt wish it upon anyone to feel this way. kwim? I guess I just dont feel strange as in I am the only one to feel like this.

Sarah thank you also for saying it is ok to use the doppler, you have a precious lil girl to prove that it doesnt harm baby

fairy- I too wish I could be naive again. Thanks for telling me to use my doppler too, I feel better for using it

Kat- I know what you mean. I am scared to talk about the baby and tell people I am pregnant too, I get scared I will jinx myself and the pregnancy kwim? And I know what you mean about relaxing a lil more each day, I am way more relaxed now than I was before. I dont get as stressed out now, I just have my odd days where I am down/upset

Thank you all. I feel so much better now having got how I feel off my chest. I have no one to talk to really, and it is nice to be able to talk to ladies who sadly know what its like to feel this way, kwim?
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  #12  
March 15th, 2009, 07:31 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Hope you are feeling better.
I have them same fears and the worst part I have a hard time reading about losses even though I need to show support, I have a hard time doing it.
I wish I could the great advice others gave but I like you are going through the same thing. Most people think this is just my last baby but this is the last time for me being pregnant. I had a long talk with my cardiologist before I started TTC this baby that once I got past 16 wks no matter what it had to be my last pregnancy. So this time the fear is 100 times worse.

Hope you are feeling better.
I have them same fears and the worst part I have a hard time reading about losses even though I need to show support, I have a hard time doing it.
I wish I could the great advice others gave but I like you are going through the same thing. Most people think this is just my last baby but this is the last time for me being pregnant. I had a long talk with my cardiologist before I started TTC this baby that once I got past 16 wks no matter what it had to be my last pregnancy. So this time the fear is 100 times worse.
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  #13  
March 16th, 2009, 07:53 AM
tobynscarlett's Avatar TTCAL Co-Host
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Hey honey, I want to ask you something purely out of love. If something did happen to your baby would the fact that you bought him/her anything make it worse? I doubt that it would, as a matter of fact those sweet little outfits you bought would give you yet another precious memory of your baby. I say go out and buy all those cute little toys and clothes when you see them. Don't make yourself think that you shouldn't, you should. I have thought about this, and I have decided that everything is going to be an event with this baby. The first thing I bought with all three of my pregnancies was a baby book. This time, Dh and I are taking my little ones to the store with us to specifically buy the book. I am going to make all of the memories that I can while I am pregnant- the things I did while I was pregnant with Zachary are so special to me now, I just wish I knew how much I should have paid attention to while I was doing them. So, don't let yourself feel guilty for buying baby items, enjoy it and try to see it as your way of showing your baby love before it gets here!!!
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  #14  
March 16th, 2009, 12:03 PM
mom 2 haley & tyler's Avatar formerly mommy2haley17
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Kate honey, I just wanted to give you hugs. We all understand and are here for you anytime.
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  #15  
March 16th, 2009, 10:56 PM
Pound's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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i felt the same way. i never bought any baby stuff til much later. much later. i had a doppler, and i used it more than 2-3/wk some wks when i was feeling really nervous. some times i didn't use it, but some i did prob more than i was supposed to. it was better than stressing about things. for those of us who've had losses pg will never just be carefree and worry free. if checking w/ the doppler for 2 min will make you feel better, i'd just do it. and we've all been there... once you have a loss there is no way to go back and be blissfully ignorant that it can happen again.
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  #16  
March 18th, 2009, 05:44 PM
angelmomjen's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Sorry I am posting so late..just wanted to let you know that Im thinking of you and pray for peace..many HUGS!!
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  #17  
March 25th, 2009, 03:57 AM
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hi there...

i don't normally register on forums even though i'd like to.......but i just had to here, although im really late ands its old now.

i wanted to say what you wrote...esp. the words quoted below, make me feel exactly what i'd want to say, i just know how that feels...wish i could take the pain of that and tell you it doesn't make you horrid or mean. it makes more sense and means so much more than any well articulated piece of writing ever could... its so beautiful to see the human-ness, it makes me want to cry. incase i don't get round to posting again..i wish you all that is beneficial and that which makes you happy and at peace. And wish the same for all others going through pain, whether on this site or elsewhere. (wouldv'e put a smiley...can't find a simple peaceful one..the smile one is too smiley!) x


'Im really freaking out and I dont know why. I like lurking in the DDC's that are having their babies now, yeah im weird, I know. But I was reading some birth stories and looking at pics and I started crying.

Maybe I am not a good mum, I dont know.

And this is going to make me sound horrible, but I do love my baby I really do. But I just cant get excited about this pregnany. I am too scared too.
This is going to make me sound horrid too, but I really envy women who have never suffered a loss before.

I hate they way I feel

I want to be excited. I want to be happy but I cant

Im sorry if this makes no sense at all. It probabky seems so jumbled up and sounds stupid. But I needed to get it out and I dont have anyone to talk to, well not anyone who would understand.'
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  #18  
March 25th, 2009, 07:20 AM
princesskate's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks ladies, I do feel much better about things now even though I am still scared. I am really trying to enjoy my pregnancy now and I am trying to enjoy every day that I am pregnant x
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  #19  
March 25th, 2009, 02:30 PM
klt klt is offline
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Wow, I read your post, and I couldn't have put it better. I feel the same way you do... It even took me forever to join here because I thought I might jinx myself (yep, totally crazy, I know...) It's comforting to hear that I'm not alone in my fears, although I wouldn't wish them on anyone. And, it's great to read the responses from everyone else. I hope you continue to feel better. And, I say, use the doppler...especially if it makes you feel better about everything. Take care!
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