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Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
March 22nd, 2009, 02:31 PM
tobynscarlett's Avatar TTCAL Co-Host
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I knew PAL was going to be hard, but I never thought it would be this difficult. Since the day I lost Zachary, I have talked to everyone and anyone who would listen about him and about the losses of others. I have now discovered an inherent problem with this method of grieving- If I talk to 60 women and share with them (and they with me) it helps tremendously at that moment. But now I know 60 different ways to lose my pregnancy. I love sharing with others and especially hearing their stories of how they went on to have more children, it's late at night when everything is quiet that those stories come back and I can't help but think "what if that happens to me this time?"

I have only known that I was pregnant for a little over a week now and I have worried myself constantly. Every waking moment I am afraid of losing this one. I haven't even told my family yet, I can't handle making those phone calls to tell everyone I lost another baby. We have an ultrasound scheduled on April 15 (I will be 8 weeks then) and I am having anxiety attacks already. All I can think is that I will hear tose horrible words again "There is no heartbeat." I already know that my blood pressure is going to be through the roof, I am afraid that I will be considered high risk because I know everytime they come near me with an ultrasound or a doppler I am going to be at near stroke levels with my BP.

I know these feelings are normal, I just needed to vent somewhere. I feel like I am living minute by minute and it is driving me crazy!!!
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  #2  
March 22nd, 2009, 03:29 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Hey, it wouldn't be bad to be considered high risk honey! That means you'd get more monitoring (although, I can testify, that having 2 NSTs a week and an u/s a week at the end was bad as well as good).


I told DH when I became pregnant this last time that I know too much. I know to many ways for things to go wrong. So I feel you on that. I think it gets "easier" in that you learn out to deal with it. I always have to tell myself "right now, as far as I know, everything is okay." And I try to focus on that. You have no real reason to think that things are going wrong (other than the fact that you don't have Zachary with you).

Take deep breaths. We're here for you when you need us. It'll be okay.
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  #3  
March 22nd, 2009, 03:40 PM
L-SBB's Avatar Bébé Cowgirl
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Location: Texas
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HUGS Heather....i'm right there with you on the fear and the stressing over everything that could go wrong (as evidenced by my PILE of HPTs I've been taking since Friday trying to see a darker line). A little bit of spotting probably wouldn't have fazed me last pregnancy...and this one now all i can do is think of what it *could* mean.

I like Brittanie's advice, so I'm going to try to take it myself....but we're all here for you when you need some reassurance (HUGS)
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  #4  
March 22nd, 2009, 04:23 PM
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I love being high risk because of all the extra ultrasounds that show me my baby is doing great and the extra appointments that I get the attention the baby needs.
It's hard being PAL, and thinking of how everyone lost their babies. I was in a small group when I was pregnant with DS#1 and I had to distance myself because every little pain or symptom had me having panic attacks. I finally realized I have enough to worry about and I needed support so I didn't think about everyone's loss.

I will be keeping you in my prayers.
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  #5  
March 22nd, 2009, 04:36 PM
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What you are feeling is completly normal . I am almost 20 weeks and I still make extra visit to the doctors office just to listen to the heartbeat... It makes me able to go on another couple weeks to my next appointment. For me I will have this fear until I deliever this little girl of ours. I think that once you have a loss the pregnancy is not very enjoyable. .

To be honest it is going to be hard ,but in the end it will be so worth it.. I will be praying for you !!
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  #6  
March 22nd, 2009, 05:56 PM
tobynscarlett's Avatar TTCAL Co-Host
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Thank you so much girls! I think my biggest problem is that I am a take charge and get things done kind of person, and right now I have zero control over this pregnancy. I will be the first to admit that I have a slightly controlling streak in me so I am going nuts. I do feel a little better after venting here. I can't tell DH everything because he will worry just as much as I do, or he will tell me everything will be okay- that just makes me want to scream "YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!!!!" So then I end up feeling bad that I was mean to him when he is only trying to help I do believe that this is the hardest thing I have ever done.

As for the high risk part, my new OB is AWESOME and will do anything I ask to help ease my mind (even without the high risk tag) The real problem comes in during the actual birth. My DD was a totally natural hospital birth with a midwife and a doula, my DS was an at home water birth with 2 midwives, and Zachary was induced in the hospital (but no pain meds) with a midwife and my doula. I DO NOT want pain meds during my labor and deliveries. If I am labeled high risk they may want to induce me early or try to force me into a c-section. While these are fine if they are truly needed, I would like to stay away from as many interventions as possible. Narcotics make me very very sick (and it's one of those times where I don't want to lose control because of meds). I just don't want the Dr to try to push procedures on me just because my BP was always high when he checked it. My Doula will be with me (she was my midwife/doula for my last 3 pregnancies) and she gets along with the OB wonderfully. But once 'High Risk' is written on my chart it really limits the birth options that I have.

While I respect everyone's opinion I am not trying to make this a discussion about home vs hospital birth. I will do what I feel is best for my children regardless of where they are born. My OB is okay with whatever decision I make, I am just stressed out about getting to the point where I can even choose what type of birth to have. All I want is a healthy baby.
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  #7  
March 22nd, 2009, 09:38 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Oh honey, I think it's amazing that you are strong enough to have birth experiences like that! I'm too chicken to do it at home.

I think you should talk to your doctor about your fears though. And I'll be hoping that you can feel like you have a choice in your birth method.

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  #8  
March 23rd, 2009, 04:39 AM
IAMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I can understand how you feel about hearing other's loss stories. On one hand, it's great to be with a group of ppl that have been through similar experiences, but then on the other hand, it can send you into a whirlwind of worry.

Also, it is very hard to live without control over something that means so much to you. Brittanie always has great advice about living in the moment, and setting pg goals is something you can also control. Set long-term and mini goals, and for each one you pass, celebrate it. I think that setting goals really helps you focus on what is going on right now with your pg.

I also agree with Brittanie about talking to your Dr. about your fears with not having a natural birth. Find out what he has to say, and then you can make your plan.

Lots of Huggs, the worry and fear never completely go away, but over time, it does get better.
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  #9  
March 23rd, 2009, 04:51 AM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Pennsylvania
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I know. I hear all of the different reasons why other people have lost their babies and it makes me feel like even if I do everything right again, it still could happen. Conception, pregnancy and childbirth is all so complex and amazing, but it is also very scary. I will like the extra monitoring during this pregnancy; but then again I liked my doctors and the center I was going to, but I have heard some horror stories about other OBGYNs.

But I feel pretty peaceful, all things considered. There is just always going to be that underlying fear for us, unfortunately.
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  #10  
March 23rd, 2009, 05:20 AM
DoulaMama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I was feeling like this- I've lost 4 babies- so it is hard to believe I'll ever have a live baby, but I just made a consious decision to take control of what I CAN control: my feelings. I vowed to myself to celebrate and love this baby for as long as I am blessed with it, and to be confident that I will give birth.

I'm pprobably right around the same stage of pregnancy that you are- my edd would be 11/27. And especially this early it is hard to school myself into happiness, but I'm doing it.

oh- and I am a student midwife and a doula, but also high risk. I'll still be able to have a homebirth, although I will need to consult with an OB a few times in my pregnant since I have had recurrent loss and uterine surgery. so- high risk in some ways doesn't always rule out the birth you want. An of course no matter what it is your job to be informed and make decisions about your care along with the care provider. And- no matter where you birth you can have a doula! although of course a healthy baby is the ultimate goal there is nothing wrong with also wanting the birth experience that you've imagined and hoped for.
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  #11  
March 23rd, 2009, 08:13 AM
kingdink's Avatar Super Mommy
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Location: MN, but missing WI
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I can totally, totally relate. There have been a few times I thought I would have to be medicated or something because I really felt like I was losing my mind from the anxiety. I was having an incredibly difficult time coping and the only time I didn't think about it was when I slept and even then it wasn't always gone from my mind and I would have to pray for a long time before I could fall sleep. I did take a very long break from JM for that reason. The support here is great, but being reminded constantly of what could happen, I just couldn't handle it emotionally. I am doing much better now, I still am worried about what could happen and there are days where I have a hard time letting go of the fear, but like others I am trying to live in the moment. If I worry and and scared and something goes wrong, I will be devastated. If I am happy and appreciative of every moment I have and something goes wrong, I'll still be devastated, but I wouldn't have wasted all those other precious moments on fear. I know how hard it is to convince your heart of something your head has decided to do, but I need to try. This is definitely one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through and I'm pretty confident that no matter the outcome, I won't be able to go through it again. I wish I were as strong as so many other women on here, I just don't think I am.
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  #12  
March 23rd, 2009, 08:38 AM
tobynscarlett's Avatar TTCAL Co-Host
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Thanks again girls, it really helps to hear from others that are going through the same things.

Cheryl- the problem with a high risk homebirth is that I live in Alabama, where homebirth midwives are illegal. When I had my son I actually had to travel across the state line to Mississippi to give birth at a midwife's house. There is a group called the Alabama Birth Coalition that I am involved with and they have been pushing for years to legalize the certification of direct entry midwives and homebirth. They are closer than ever, but have still been unsuccessful so far.

If I am labeled high risk no midwife around here will touch me with a 20 ft pole!! The only other option I would have is to go to the midwife who practices at the hospital and then I am subject to the OB's (who I CAN'T STAND!!!) overriding her and taking over my care. It happened when I had my loss, they basically walked in and said "your midwife is no longer able to handle your care, we are taking over now" and since I had retained placenta, there was no way I could just leave. I have recently switched to an OB who did his residency in TX and was trained by several midwives in his very early years (like 22 years ago). He is very supportive of the midwives model of care and is giving me the choice between home vs. hospital. BUT, he is still an OB and has to follow the rules so he won't get into trouble. If my BP is too high, it's too high and here comes the big sticker that labels me HIGH RISK. It's crazy I know, but just one of the many many things I am worried about right now.
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  #13  
March 23rd, 2009, 08:38 AM
tobynscarlett's Avatar TTCAL Co-Host
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Thanks again girls, it really helps to hear from others that are going through the same things.

Cheryl- the problem with a high risk homebirth is that I live in Alabama, where homebirth midwives are illegal. When I had my son I actually had to travel across the state line to Mississippi to give birth at a midwife's house. There is a group called the Alabama Birth Coalition that I am involved with and they have been pushing for years to legalize the certification of direct entry midwives and homebirth. They are closer than ever, but have still been unsuccessful so far.

If I am labeled high risk no midwife around here will touch me with a 20 ft pole!! The only other option I would have is to go to the midwife who practices at the hospital and then I am subject to the OB's (who I CAN'T STAND!!!) overriding her and taking over my care. It happened when I had my loss, they basically walked in and said "your midwife is no longer able to handle your care, we are taking over now" and since I had retained placenta, there was no way I could just leave. I have recently switched to an OB who did his residency in TX and was trained by several midwives in his very early years (like 22 years ago). He is very supportive of the midwives model of care and is giving me the choice between home vs. hospital. BUT, he is still an OB and has to follow the rules so he won't get into trouble. If my BP is too high, it's too high and here comes the big sticker that labels me HIGH RISK. It's crazy I know, but just one of the many many things I am worried about right now.
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  #14  
March 23rd, 2009, 10:07 AM
DoulaMama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Florida
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heather- that stinks- I hate that there are still states that refuse to allow a mother to choose her birth place!

do you do a lot of relaxation exercises? that can help, as can diet and exercise, to keep blood pressure down. I hope that whatever happens you have a beautiful birth. This new OB sounds good, at least.
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  #15  
March 23rd, 2009, 10:44 AM
BellaBellski's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I can totally relate!! I'm lucky I switched drs + he's partnered with a high risk OB so I get my u/s done through him instead of the hospital - I would break down if I had to go into that room again and have some "ultrasound tech" do mine again. I'm still really pissed that she acted like everything was fine, even when she told me the dr had to scan.... it was 'just because the pictures arent transferring, no biggy" >.<
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