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Baby Shower after loss (x-posted) - Updated in first post!


Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
May 29th, 2009, 08:52 AM
..Red..'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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So I talked to my mom last night. She said she doesn't want to through me a shower until after the baby is born because I had a loss right after people started thinking about throwing me a shower. Basically she is scared. So now I'm thinking, gee what do I do? I really needed help getting everything for the baby. Now I have to wait a month or so before I get a shower. I mean no one has to get me anything, but still. My step-daughter really wanted to throw a shower, but now I don't know if she will be able to (she's 11). She was going to ask for my mom's help. Do I help her myself, or try to enlist someone to help out? Ugh. I don't want to seem like I'm throwing myself a shower. That just seems selfish. Although I kinda do feel selfish thinking this. I'm actually just so excited that I want to celebrate (with presents!). What do you all think I should do?

Updated 5/31/09
I mentioned to my sister that my mom was being a little silly. Since my mom is a bit of a psychic, it really is a big deal for her to be wary. So my sister mentioned it to her and so my mom mentioned it to me yesterday. Lucky for me I had called her because we got notice from our landlord that she'd be willing to drop our rent 150 bucks!! (Great news anyhow). She had mentioned the shower thing after I told her about the rent. (which means no moving!) Then I shared how it was a time to celebrate and stuff and she was like ya! You need to do that because you seem so much happier this time. So yay! Shower for me. Probably in August. Woot!!
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Last edited by ..Red..; May 31st, 2009 at 12:21 PM. Reason: Update
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  #2  
May 29th, 2009, 09:02 AM
Pitridge's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I had my baby shower about 3 weeks before Alex was born, I was in many ways a bit mad about it because by them I wanted to have all the big stuff and I did by then have all the big stuff, so I mainly got diapers and some clothes. I would say that if you want to have it now, go ahead and have it, you can help your step-daughter, I don't see why that would be a problem, maybe your dh can also help her. OMG you are already 24 weeks!
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  #3  
May 29th, 2009, 09:05 AM
..Red..'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I know! I'm so excited. Everything is going perfect too! Well I think DH was hoping I'd have the increased libido, but honestly I'm just too uncomfortable. I've got a huge belly!! (well it seems huge to me!!). And I went on the hospital tour.
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  #4  
May 29th, 2009, 09:06 AM
kellyanne's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Tell your mom that you understand her fears but don't think your loss should determine whether you have a shower this time around because it really shouldn't. Maybe have your shower a bit later in your pregnancy, like 35 or 36 weeks? Then everyone should feel lots better about things. Good luck, and you are right, you should be celebrating!
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  #5  
May 29th, 2009, 09:34 AM
mom 2 haley & tyler's Avatar formerly mommy2haley17
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I def think you should go ahead and have one whenever YOU are ready. People should be happy for you and not worry about the past. Help your daughter throw yourself one. I don't see anything wrong with that. I think it's very sweet of her. If people don't like it, they don't have to come. Right? I hope you get one and get all you need honey!
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  #6  
May 29th, 2009, 10:22 AM
L-SBB's Avatar Bébé Cowgirl
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Red! I'm so excited for you - I can't believe you're already 24 weeks congrats!!

I think if you're not concerned about having an earlier baby shower, then just tell your mom that and why earlier might even be better for you (stepdaughter wanted to plan, getting ready for baby timing, etc)...everyone's probably just worried for you, but I agree with Michelle and if you show you're not worried then probably everyone will be thrilled do have it whenever you're ready
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  #7  
May 29th, 2009, 10:51 AM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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If it was me... I would be mad at my mom. You can't live life in fear of what-if's Your mom should be supporting your fears not putting hers on you...KWIM?

Maybe have a talk with your mom and explain to her just how much a baby shower means to you especially after what has happened in the past, not in spite of it. Tell her if she isn't going to give you one your daughter is...and then tell her what date you were looking at. It might just be enough to get her moving on it.

I don't think showers are about the "gifts" but what the gifts mean. I have always totally enjoyed buying shower gifts. What better way to spend money than on a new life I hope you have a great shower with lots of love and goodies no matter who throws it
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On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
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On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
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  #8  
May 29th, 2009, 11:09 AM
dee68's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I didnt have a shower...and I am pi$$ed....lol.....my MIL made it sound like I was going to have one....

anyway, I registered and made sure everyone knew it ! I got tons of stuff which was nice, made everyday like Christmas...lol
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  #9  
May 29th, 2009, 11:23 AM
..Red..'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I did tell her DD wanted to throw one. She said she will come but not be involved with the planning. Bah! You think for how sick she's been she'd want to make sure she participated. She's been admitted to the hospital once this month and had several major procedures because things are right with her. I hope I get a shower and she is well enough (or even here!) to come. I think maybe July 18 might be good. 2 months from my EDD so it should be good. Maybe my sister will help DD...
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  #10  
May 29th, 2009, 11:47 AM
Sabina's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *Bobbie* View Post
If it was me... I would be mad at my mom. You can't live life in fear of what-if's Your mom should be supporting your fears not putting hers on you...KWIM?

Maybe have a talk with your mom and explain to her just how much a baby shower means to you especially after what has happened in the past, not in spite of it. Tell her if she isn't going to give you one your daughter is...and then tell her what date you were looking at. It might just be enough to get her moving on it.

I don't think showers are about the "gifts" but what the gifts mean. I have always totally enjoyed buying shower gifts. What better way to spend money than on a new life I hope you have a great shower with lots of love and goodies no matter who throws it
I completely agree Bobbie.

I had my shower AFTER Benjamin was born and all I got was diapers and clothes and it sucked because he didn't even wear all the clothes he got because there was so many clohtes. Now he was born early and that threw off the plans but some of them were not put together until he was six weeks old. I basically had to buy absolutely everything for him to bring him home and ended so completely broke I don't even know how we bought groceries. It would have helped us so much to have gotten things other then clothes that he didn't even wear. I was planning on ppl buying him stuff and I guess I shouldn't have.

I would seriously explain to your Mom that you really want this and besides - you waited a long time to have this baby and you should be celebrating and enjoying this pg not living in fear.
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  #11  
May 29th, 2009, 02:22 PM
klt klt is offline
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Call your sister and explain the situation. Maybe she can get mom on board. And, you need to tell your sister that it is very important that your DSSs celebrate the coming of the baby rather than living in fear that you may lose it. They went through the loss too. This shower is very important for you all! I think your sister will step up and help your daughters throw a nice get together for you. And, your mom needs to understand that this is part of the healing process for all of you. Your sister can explain how you want her to be part of it. And, if she wants to throw another shower after the baby is born, that is her choice. But, she needs to understand the celebration of your baby and not just the grief of your loss. Make sense? I hope it all works out!
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  #12  
May 29th, 2009, 03:54 PM
..Red..'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Kelty, it's a nice idea, but my sister won't be able to get my mom on board. She will either help or not. She's a bit flakey so I'll be lucky if I can reach her. But if she helps, then she will help. She likes to do that sort of thing if she is not too busy.
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  #13  
May 29th, 2009, 07:48 PM
Vicki...'s Avatar Mommy to Caleb & Ethan
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I hope your sister will help, my family tried that with me when i was pregnant with Caleb, I finally had to tell them that by saying this they actually made me have more fears than i usually had, finally my one sister decided I should have one and I had it two days before my birthday, I think i was about 32 weeks pregnant....I really hope you get your shower, everyone pregnant woman needs that wonderful celebration, it's so great!
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