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I really just need soemone to talk to (off subject) BF problems...


Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
March 17th, 2010, 07:02 PM
GeekMom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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So, this really has nothing to do with being pregnant after loss or anything. But, I know I can talk to you girls and really be me and I feel like I need to get something out.

So mean and my boyfriend have been together about 2 years now. I know that isn't a long time but its longer and better than any of the rest. I mean we have our ups and downs. Lord knows we fight like cats and dogs.

So this is our 3rd pregnancy together the first 2 , as you know, ending early on. He has told me that he has wanted a family since he was 9. He has told me that he is so happy that I am going to be able to be the mother of his children and that I am the one that is helping him achieve the life he has always wanted. He says that he loves me and he is happy and most of the time he acts that way too.

My deal is...He wanted to have kids, he wants a family, but when i mention getting married he says he doesn't know, and it hurts. It hurts really bad, cause I know that I want to be with him. I know its not been long at all but, I have been through all the crap in relationships I can stand.

He really is a good guy, sometimes he is forgetful and distracted but, he always makes it up in the end. he makes me feel safe and he has helped me let go of a lot of bad things that happened in my past and helped me grow from that. He supports me and takes care of me. Really and truly an amazing guy.

But, I want to be married. Even if I can have the whole 9 yards and the big ceremony. I don't care if we get married in our bathroom! I just...it makes me feel like maybe a part of him is still unsure and i don't want to have kids with someone that is unsure. I don't mean to sound like a whiny kid. I know that most of you are married and I thought that even though it was completely off subject that I would not be ridiculed or made fun of for how I feel.

It just kills me to know I'm pregnant (and finally looks like I am going to stay that way) with the man I love child and yet, he wont make it official. I can't figure out why and when I ask, he just says I don't know cause he is busy from sun up to sun down....I just I don't know I need someone advice or something

Thanks for reading!
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  #2  
March 17th, 2010, 07:24 PM
starrsgirl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Sounds like a commitment phobia for sure! I don't think your boyfriend is the only guy out there like this. For some reason, guys think their whole lives will change if they get married. But I bet having a baby might change his life more!

Have you sat down and really tried to get to the bottom of it? I bet there's another reason besides him being busy. Maybe he's afraid it's expensive? Maybe he's afraid to lose his freedom? I would schedule some alone time now and try to sort it out before baby comes! Good luck!
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  #3  
March 17th, 2010, 07:30 PM
GeekMom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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We've talked about it. Hes fine with having a small wedding or even going to the court house and then doing a ceremony once the baby is here. I think you might be right though, I know he is scared to commit (he has had over 50 girlfriend and hes only 28 and none of them lasted more than 6 months) I have tried many approaches to it.

I just I want what everyone else has...I dont think you should HAVE to be married to have baby, but it is useful having the same last name.

I have dreamed since I was a little girl about being the 50's house wife and mother and he has told me he likes that too. I just I don't know how to ask him why we are getting married with out making him mad or feel pushed.
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  #4  
March 17th, 2010, 07:31 PM
Kary♥RN's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh I can understand why you would to be married. Like Liz said try to talk to him... or is thier someone who is close to him.. like his mom or a good friend that you can bring this up to to see if maybe they can also talk to him?.... KUP.. HUGS
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  #5  
March 17th, 2010, 07:35 PM
GeekMom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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His mom is insane.

I have asked him point blank "How do you feel about getting married?" He will say
" I don't know" and I will ask why he doesn't know and he just says it again.....

rock <me> hard place
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  #6  
March 17th, 2010, 08:41 PM
Gaby&Emmy'sMama's Avatar aka NZ-Emma
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((hugs)) my ex was like this.. loved the idea of us living together, of us having a baby - but the thought of marriage? no thanks...
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  #7  
March 17th, 2010, 09:37 PM
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I don't know why - but getting married was way easier than having a baby or even buying a house for us. I think it's important - and I think you need to work it out before baby gets here.
I don't have any good advise for how to talk to him though! I'm sorry! I just know you need too.
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  #8  
March 18th, 2010, 07:16 AM
krystal g's Avatar Happy to be a SAHM!
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I'm not sure what advice I can give...I think the other girls have said it...you need to get to the bottom of why he doesn't want to get married. My guess (if he's like many of the guys I've known) is it's just a fear of that "lifelong" commitment. I've definitely known men who were fine being in a monogamous relationship but somehow the whole marriage thing was terrifying. I don't understand it, but I do understand your desire to make that commitment. Personally, I would keep on him...make him give you his reasons for not wanting marriage (since he is OK with living together and having a baby he obviously plans to stick around) and go from there. And if he shut down on me with "I don't know" I would keep bugging him. You deserve to have answers and you dream of a marriage and family is every bit as important as his dream of a family and you shouldn't have to sacrifice that.
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  #9  
March 18th, 2010, 07:20 AM
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What examples of marriage has he had in his life? Are his parents together?
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  #10  
March 18th, 2010, 12:10 PM
GeekMom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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She when he explained to me about why he had wanted a family for so long. His mother and father split up when he was I believe 6. He has always blamed himself for that. His mother is not a bad person but, he in no way shape or form wants to marry his mother as the saying goes. She is a work-a-holic and doesn't know how to handle somethings and is very over emotional. I love her to death but, she is nuts!!! His father is a hermit who lives on his own and never really goes out unless its to work and he has stopped dating or trying to find "the one".

So, no he doesn't have the best people to look at for marriage ideas. Honestly my family isn't any better. My mother is in a wheelchair and my father is abusive to her. He yells and calls her bad names when she is unable to do something for herself and he was physically abusive when I was younger to both me and her. The horrible thing is that my mother protects him and to this day wont admit that he abused either one of us.

It just how you phrased it that I am going to ask him. "Is getting married more scary than having a baby?"
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  #11  
March 18th, 2010, 01:14 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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Some guys just need time. I dated my guy for 4 years, long distance, before I realized I wanted to marry him. But he didn't want to marry me or anybody. "Not his thing." And guess what? Our baby is due the day after our 3rd wedding anniversary. I made my intentions clear, and he realized that he actually did want to get married.

I'll bet the moment your BF lays eyes on you holding your little one, he'll be ready.
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  #12  
March 18th, 2010, 04:30 PM
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It took me 3 1/2 yrs to convince my DH to get married. He has only had one stable marriage example and that is his best friend. To him, marriage just wasn't important because he'd never seen anyone treat it with respect. Also, in his mind it was the proverbial door slamming shut. By having a baby with you, he's already agreed to a lifelong commitment to have you in his life. He may truly not be clear on why he doesn't want to get married, the thought may just make him uncomfortable, so it's easier to ignore than explore. The guilt he feels may make him never want to put a kid through the same thing. I think what a lot of people who have this problem don't realize is that married or not, if you split the kid is going to have issues, so he's not saving the kid from anything by not being willing to make that commitment. And it will teach your child that making a commitment like that isn't important if he sets the example of not marrying you. Be gentle but persistent!
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  #13  
March 18th, 2010, 07:55 PM
alethia's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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it sounds like he wants the family but prob has commitment issues esp if his parents seperated and it had a big impact on him. i can def understand your side though too! Every girl wants "her day". It seems like he might need some time to have the marriage thought in his head and process it his way. I know you want him to ask you to marry him because he wants to and is ready.....i'm sure he'll get there, just give him some time!
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  #14  
March 19th, 2010, 10:44 AM
GeekMom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't know what to do with it. He's in some weird funk. I talked to him about it and he did the "uh huh" nodding his head of course he was doing something else.

I told him last night that it made me feel really special to be able to carry his child and I was excited to one day be his wife and I went to kiss him on the cheek trying to be all cute, before I even made it to him I burst into tears and went and hid in out bedroom for a bit.

You guys should know I am only 23 and he is 28. So being with him has forced me to grow up a lot. It's not a religious view or really even a moral view, I just want to be a mommy and a wife.

It just hurts to know that he has loved before and thought of marriage and yet, it seems my chance has been ruined.

It's has also been hard to talk to him because I have been very moody and B***** and I get mad at him (and the occasional inanimate object) and then I cry and its like so random. I know he has a lot to deal with and it is just now hitting him that I am 5 days away from my second trimester. He is really going to be a dad.

I just think that I was put on this earth to make babies and be a house wife, it always what I have wanted too. I know that a lot of you are older than I and that is why I thought to ask in here. You guys are a great help....
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Last edited by GeekMom; March 19th, 2010 at 12:06 PM.
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