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I am still as angry as I ever was.... even now that I'm pregnant again and things are going well in mylife...
I still find myself enraged whenever I hear of anyone being pregnant or having a baby. What most enrages me is hearing people sob when they find out the sex of their baby and it's not what they wanted Not what you WANTED?!?!? I almost WISH something bad to happen to these people. Then they would KNOW what real anger and sadness is. Sorry if this sounds insensitive, but it's how I feel.....
I have been so emotional lately, and constantly thinking of Sebastian. I wonder, can I love another baby as much as I loved him? I find myself dreading the u/s, because what if tis another boy? I would almost feel safer with a girl, because it seems like another boy would just be too.... too similar to last time.
I dunno, I always thought the anger might dissapate over time.. but sofar, it hasnt. When can I feel better? When can I let go and bond with the new baby? I found myself talking to it last night, and I stopped myself. I told myself that I was being silly and not to get attached
People just don't understand. Everything is supposed to be sunshine and roses. Instead its almost like I am expecting something bad.... I really don't know what to do except take one day at a time.... and wait
I can understand what you're saying... I found out someone I know is due in Sept. and I had this feeling (that I wasn't really happy for her)... so bad, I know-- and I STILL don't know why I am not/was not happy for her. Maybe it's because it's her third child and it's always been so easy for her (she gets pregnant on her first try every time)... Plus, she's already almost to 20 weeks and I would have been past that had I not m/c...
I have definitely not gotten as attached to this one as I had the previous one... I want to feel "safer"... (of course, when is that really the case)...
As bad as it sounds, I sometimes wish some of my friends would have a m/c only so they could TRULY understand what it feels like... I feel like ALL of them have had it SOOOO easy and it has been all roses for them... well not me.
Braden Keith (11/22/06) & Kinsley Brooke (5/20/09)
I know how you feel, I get really pissed when people who shouldn't have babies have no problems at all and then there are women like us who arew deserving and something bad happens. You will love this baby just as much as you loved your son. I had to have a d&c when I was 17 becasue of a birth defect and it was a boy. Got pregnant again with another boy and I loved just as much. I will keep you in my prayers and I hope everything goes well wit this pregnancy.
I am no expert, but i would say that you are still grieving. We all know that anger is a part of it, and it's only been a short while since you loss your Sebastian. I think you are still healing and this anger that you feel is a big part of that process.. I definitly know that feeling of anger when I hear someone else is pg. I especially get mad when they start buying lots of things reallly early on, for some reason. You are absolutely right about people thinking everything should be totally different now that you are pg. People at work do not understand why I was upset about my DD this month, and I know that my DH does not totally get it either.
I dont think you will have trouble loving this baby. I know that I am just now really starting to think of the baby as a person and not something to be taken away from me. I want to start talking to him, but I'm afraid to start that. I dont think I am as attached as I would be if I had not had a loss, but I'm getting there.
One day at a time sounds nice, that's what I like to do and that is what has helped me heal.
anger is a tricky one. Yes it is part of grief and yes we all feel it from time to time, but if you feel it is consuming you, not allowing you to feel happy about anything in your life, you might want to consider some therapy with a very good therapist, one who has experience with loss and grief.
I try not to get angry at others stupidity or ignorance anymore. It just wastes my time and energy. I spent a large portion of my life angry, at everyone and everything. It feels good to not be there anymore. It is worth the effort to help get out of it if you can.
Have you read Pregnancy after a Loss. Wonderful book for everyone here. Helps you know you are not alone with these issues. I also feared I wouldn't bond to my new baby. I still get uneasy when people ask me questions about her, like acknowledging her will cause her to die. It's gotten better and I am bonding more every day. But even in perfectly normal uneventual pregnancies it is normal to not bond until after the baby is born. I never really bonded to my kids until I was holding them in my arms.
I know you are feeling a lot of pain. I hope you can work through it when the time is right.
anger is a tricky one. Yes it is part of grief and yes we all feel it from time to time, but if you feel it is consuming you, not allowing you to feel happy about anything in your life, you might want to consider some therapy with a very good therapist, one who has experience with loss and grief.[/b]
I also agree with LeedaRenee's entire post.
I think you will love this baby more than you can even imagine. She/he will not replace your son but they will be such a blessing and source of sunshine for your life.
Just because you are pregnant now does not mean your grieving process should end. No way to really heal that way. Not forget, but heal. Don't rush it. Good luck. Pregnancy in general is a pretty emotional time. People get upset and experience disappointment on all kinds of levels.
I am there with you when it comes to other people who have no business (in my mind) being pregnant having a baby without any issues, I just get angry and wonder why I am having problems and all we want is a healthy baby!!
As for loving the next one, let me tell you I felt the exact same way all the way through my 2nd pg up until they pulled that baby out and I looked at her!! I realized at that moment that I was able to love her as much as I loved the 1st!!! Everything you are feeling is normal for a pg women!!
I'm still the same way. I just had my first child after a struggle TTC and losing babies, and even as I hold my little one, I'm still bitter towards so many women for getting pg. when they don't want to, or getting pregnant fast, or that kind of thing. It upsets me that I'm like this, but I think it's pretty normal for many women who've suffered in the TTC process.
Waiting for #2!
I understand your anger also. My close friend and I were pregnant and due at the same time. We went on a family vacation in July and when we came home, my baby no longer had a hb and had to be terminated. She was still pregnant and doing well, but I had a hard time being around her because it just reminded me of my loss. I got pg in Oct. and she was still carrying her baby and I felt so bad because I had wished she was in the same situation as me. How dare I wish her to lose her baby!!! How could I want anyone else to go through what I went through so many times? I felt guilty. When she had her baby in March, the day after my birthday, I was overwhelmed with so many feelings. She was so beautiful, and I couldn't believe I had ever felt that way. If I can love her baby as much as I do, I know there is so much love left for my little one.
Anger is part of the normal grieving process and you have to let yourself experience it so you can move on to the next step. Just remember the heart is much bigger than you realize and when you see your baby, you will feel so much love that was meant just for THAT child. The love you have for your other son will still be there.
Hmm.. yes for some reason I still get upset about other pregnant woman. Mostly ppl that are close like inlaws or what not.
My sis-in-law is prego, I am still not interested in having anything to do with it. I am glad she is having one, I always hoped that they would, but I don't want to be around her or anything. Her shower is coming, don't want to go. She is due 2 days after my baby was taken from me. Ugg. I will realy resent it if she has the baby that day. Everyone has already forgot this is my 3rd child.
It is hard to know how to feel. It is hard when other ppl can't acknowledge what you are feeling. It is hard when we think no one is listening, and it is hard because they are not.
It is going to be very hard and the only thing you can do is to let yourself feel. I agree with counseling. I think it would be good for you and the baby if you have some one you can really talk to about things. Get your deep dark fears out of the way, so you can have a clear mind with your second child.
I always knew that when I was ready to have children that I would be sure to get all my problems out of the way. This way I had no reason to dwell and not be able to care for my child. When I was growing up my mother had a lot of unresolved issues and it interfered with how well she was there for me growing up. I did not want this for my children. I helped myself. Until my baby died last year. And I am working very hard at resolution so I can be that Mother once again.
This is all going to take time. Your heart is broken, and it will not mend itself overnight. Love Sebastion and be sure you know you are capable of loving this one as well. We all know that you are.
I could have written your post a few months ago. I would still get jealous when people announced their pregnancies... and had to remind myself that I'm pregnant too! I'm also amazed at how very sad I am still w/ approaching Due dates and the anniversaries of my losses...
You will always be angery. It will just not be so upfront always. But the anger will always be there.
Gavin Thomas 06/01/06
Emma Grace Born Sleeping 8/4/05 22 Weeks
Some people only dream of holding an Angel I actually held one!
Angel Baby 8/14/02
Angel Baby 12/28/04
After I lost my baby, my close girlfriend got pregnant - like a few weeks after. She was about 8 months along and was laughing and said "I think it's so funny how everyone who wanted their babies lost theirs, and here I am and I didn't even want this thing". We were at work, in a retail store. I was almost fired that day. Anger is a big big part of grief for me. I hope you don't try to bottle this up - I did and am paying for it now. I'm a stinking mess with this baby. For your loss being so new, you have been so brave so far. I know I've said it before, but you really are an insperation to me. One day at a time. That's what you said to me, and I think it is the only way we can make it sometimes. My sister went to councling after she lost her baby and it really helped her - actually she still goes, Eloy has been gone for 2 years now. She has found positive ways to remember her baby - we all got baby maple trees on his 1st birthday. This year she is taking her other children to a park to help them plant trees as a way for the kids to celebrate their brother. She said doing things like that were really hard at first, but it helped her so much to not have only negative memories, and to keep him alive by keeping him in their lives.