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37 weeks and I hadn't had any big breakdowns... of course I got nervous before the big tests and when I was in a car accident, but even though it all, I had this sense it was all going to be ok.... I was pretty optimistic this time, which is not normal for me.
but then this week, a girl in my DDC delivered her baby, and there were some complications during the birth and after 5 days the baby passed away. And I was looking at the pictures and her son looked so much like Porter, same tubes and vents and IVs and it was like looking at my own pictures all over again. And I keep thinking about what this poor girl is going through, carrying this baby for 9 months thinking she would be bringing home a baby only to have that all change so quickly and all you are left with is an empty crib... and I remember how much that hurt....
and now every time I close my eyes I'm back in those bad days, I'm back in the hospital watching my baby suffer and ultimately losing my baby and feeling helpless and I can't make it stop.
It's like I had it all so neatly packed away, compartmentalized in my mind so I could go on with life, and now that box has been dumped open all over the place. I'm a mess, I can't sleep, I can't focus on anything. We had the babys carseat installed today and the whole time I felt like I was going to throw up... like I was jinxing myself again, and suddenly I'm sure I won't need it, that something will happen to this baby too...
and perhaps what hurts the most is that I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, like I have to just deal with this alone... because my real life friends and family, they don't really understand why some person online that i don't even know would upset me so much. My DH just gets mad at me and tells me to stay off JM and everything will get better but the damage is already done. and I feel like I really can't talk about it online because I don't want to feel like I'm taking away from this girls grief or making it all about me, because that is the last thing I want...
I just don't know what to do anymore I feel like I am completely losing it. and I'm sorry this is so long and rambling and if anyone actually makes it this far, I really commend you. I just needed to get it out, to talk about it for once. because I can't sleep and I can't stop my mind and... I just need to have this baby and bring her home and maybe then I will stop panicking.
oh sweetie i am really sorry you're going through this. i know what you mean, every time i see someone has a late loss it sends me into the same panic mode. i think once you've experienced a loss of your own baby pregnancy and delivery just isn't the same. the friends that i have that are pregnant who haven't had losses are just happy as clams, living in bliss, not constantly WAITING for something to go wrong. my only advice i can offer is prayer. pray for this poor woman and her family, and pray for your own heart as well. it's just so raw and you shouldn't have to face those emotions alone. do you have a good friend or someone you could let it out to and hug? i'm so sorry you've had to deal with the loss that you've had, and prayers to you and your little baby girl for a healthy delivery. God bless
((((hugs))))) This will sound weird - but it's probably good that you are dealing with this now (not say during labour! - I couldn't sit on the toilet because that's where I miscarried LOL) . When you have had a loss it influences the next pregnancy and birth. How could it not? It's not JMs fault - it was lurking in your heart and head and you need to let it out. It's ok to be scared. and it's totally ok to talk about it too. We are here for you!
You know you can't jinx yourself. That's the hard part - you can't actually do anything. Chances are everything will be just fine. Say a prayer of thanks to your little lost baby and another to your growing one. You will all be ok! Big big big
Thank you Kiliki for my first beautiful Siggie!
mom of 2 angels and an earth baby
I know how it feels when you had something nice and compartmentalized and then somehow there's a break in the wall and it all rushes back... it's so hard... but I agree that it is GOOD and HEALTHY that you go through some of this now, before you are in labor, back in the hospital etc. - I agree that that was sure to bring back feelings too even if JM hadn't, and obviously in labor you'll have enough going on already.
I'm sorry you are going through the fear right now, but remember it's not the past happening now, it's the present, and a whole new situation... get some good hugs and have a good cry whenever you want and just get it all out... I'm sending you lots of love and positivity hun!!!!!!!!
Oh hun, I think you're feelings are completely normal. Often times when I hear about a loss- I feel so numb.. I don't want to talk to that person, I withdrawl into my own grief and feelings of loss. Although I've never had a stillborn or a baby die shortly after birth- it must be one of the worst feelings in the world. I admire women with the strength to overcome such things. Just the fact that you were courageous enough to get pregnant again-says alot about your strength. You will get through this, labour and have a healthy baby. You will be in my thoughts.
__________________ Sarah Mom to:
Thanks to Pattyandthemoos For the wonderful siggy!
I'm constantly terrified of a loss. And I had an early m/c at 10 weeks. Erin's story is so sad. I can't imagine going home to an empty crib. I don't know what I would do - I think that I would seriously consider moving.
I did this with both my subsequent pregnancies. It's so hard. I agree with the other ladies, it's not JM, that was all there. I've had some pretty intense flashbacks at the ends of my pregnancies with Erin and Patrick, before and during labor.