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Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
December 29th, 2010, 10:04 AM
MamaRN's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hi Ladies,

I figure no one else will get this but you...

So I am very happy to be expecting again and very excited to have the chance at having another baby, but I am feeling kind of sad today thinking about the baby I lost and I realized I would be 37w3d right now, expecting a baby in just a few weeks.

I guess I feel like I am betraying the baby I am carrying if I still mourn the one I lost, but that I am betraying the one I lost if I don't feel for him or her anymore.

Anyone else get this way?
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  #2  
December 29th, 2010, 10:14 AM
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You know I've heard of many graduates feeling this way... I don't right now maybe because I'm so nervous about being in the first trimester and spotting, everything.

But I can say it's not uncommon... you're mourning your little one, you're not being unfair to the sweet baby you're carrying right now if you're just expressing/ showing the love and feelings you have for him or her. There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling you're a good mother!
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  #3  
December 29th, 2010, 10:36 AM
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I fel this way a lot actually. I was supposed to be having twins this time, but I lost one. I feel bad being so happy about the one I have sometimes because I know I lost the other, and visa versa. Sometimes I also think of some of my other losses too. They would all be born by now! I know how you feel!
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  #4  
December 29th, 2010, 02:36 PM
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I understand!!! I still miss my two lost pregnancies - but I wouldn't have Anabela if they had stayed. It's totally normal! It does not make you bad at all. I was talking to a family friend this christmas about it. She has a 30 yo son - and she still wonders what his twin would have been like. We will love our babies forever. (((hugs)))
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  #5  
December 29th, 2010, 02:59 PM
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I keep thinking the same as the post before me ,if it wasn't for my losses I would not have COnner and Kaetlin... I am 6 weeks pregnant and If I would not of had my loss in June I would be holding my newborn baby right now ,,, I THink what you are thinking is normal
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  #6  
December 29th, 2010, 05:13 PM
~LaurenNoel~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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My due date of the last baby we lost was right around Thanksgiving, and I really struggled with it the same way you are now. *hugs*
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  #7  
December 29th, 2010, 05:49 PM
OwensMommy25's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My EDD for this pregnancy is a year to the day of my D&C when I lost the twins. I think about my twins all the time. They would have been born in august. I almost feel like I'm cheating on them with this new baby sometimes.. Like I'm forgetting about them because I'm pregnant again. It's difficult sometimes and I'm not sure many people in my life understand.
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  #8  
December 29th, 2010, 07:37 PM
MamaRN's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks Ladies, it is good to know that I am not alone and that someone else understands. I don't want to discount my joy at being pregnant again and I know that if I hadn't lost my baby this one wouldn't even exist, and that's a weird feeling. When you think about it that way, how would you choose? I just know that I will never forget that baby and never stop aching for him.

I guess it's just hard sometimes to reconcile those feelings, and the closer I get to Jan 16th, the more I think about it.
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  #9  
December 29th, 2010, 09:02 PM
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I think the hardest part of this journey is learning that the grief and the joy can live side by side. Feeling one doesn't mean you feel the other any less.

Cora was full term, and Erin was conceived 5 months later so while it (obviously) was physically possible for me to have them both, I would have been nursing Cora like the I did Erin and Patrick, and doing so for them is evidence that I would not have conceived then.

The what-ifs are hard. How would you choose? The point is that you can't. It happened. It sucks. You love the baby you lost and the one you have now.

I got sucked into the idea that missing Cora meant that I was choosing her over Erin, but it's not true. It's taken a long time for me to accept things the way they are.
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  #10  
December 29th, 2010, 09:04 PM
Just_Marie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I felt that way when pg with my rainbow baby DS1, its okay to love all of your babies, even the lost ones ((hugs))
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  #11  
December 30th, 2010, 04:36 AM
IAMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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[QUOTE=Brittanie;22562245]I think the hardest part of this journey is learning that the grief and the joy can live side by side. Feeling one doesn't mean you feel the other any less.


I agree with this and it was something I had a hard time accepting until Cecil was older. The whole time I was pregnant with him and after he was born, I felt guilty for my feelings for him like I was not spending enough time grieving for my twins. I know now that greif can live side by side with happiness, just because you feel one it doesn't take away from the other. Brittanie said it very well.
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  #12  
January 1st, 2011, 06:32 PM
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Its very nomal to feel this way. I still miss my loss I think about My angel everyday.
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  #13  
January 2nd, 2011, 12:22 AM
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I felt this way right around our DD for the twins and Christmas time. I expected it around the EDD for them but not for Christmas. I normally love the holiday but couldn't get into the spirit b/c we didn't have the babies to celebrate with. I wanted them here but I also know that I wouldn't have this baby if it weren't for their loss. It is a catch 22. Now that it is a new year and past those dates I am feeling a little bit better but I anticipate it happening again around the day we delivered them, July 6th. The unfortunate thing is that we will hopefully have this baby so I don't want it to affect this baby. I have learned in counseling to identify my feelings, accept them and then work through them. They come and go and if I don't recognize it then it could be more damaging than just feeling the feelings. Try to do something to acknowledge the baby so you can hopefully move forward with the new baby.
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  #14  
January 2nd, 2011, 09:55 AM
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MamaRN, I am right there with you. I haven't been feeling too bad for a few days for but for awhile there it was really bad. My friend who was 2 weeks ahead of me is full-term now, and my SIL (who I am seeing every day now over the holidays) is huge and about 34 weeks. I was a couple of weeks ahead of her with my ectopic. People are getting excited over my little bump (which has just started popping out noticeably) but then sometimes when I see her bump, I feel sad....
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  #15  
January 2nd, 2011, 02:01 PM
MamaRN's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shen7 View Post
MamaRN, I am right there with you. I haven't been feeling too bad for a few days for but for awhile there it was really bad. My friend who was 2 weeks ahead of me is full-term now, and my SIL (who I am seeing every day now over the holidays) is huge and about 34 weeks. I was a couple of weeks ahead of her with my ectopic. People are getting excited over my little bump (which has just started popping out noticeably) but then sometimes when I see her bump, I feel sad....
Thanks Ladies.

Shen I think this has a lot to do with it too. My sister is 35 1/2 weeks PG and has a huge bump and everyone (including me) is getting excited to meet her new son, and I was 2 1/2 weeks ahead of her and would be 38 weeks PG today. And I have a little bump now and people are getting excited too... and I am so happy and excited about this baby, but yeah. There are reminders everywhere of the one I don't have anymore.
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  #16  
January 2nd, 2011, 05:19 PM
LuvMyFurbabies's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I have struggled seeing my friends baby that was a week ahead of me with her EDD. She is healthy and beautiful but everytime I see her I can't help but think I should have 2 of those right now. I can see any other baby and be fine and love on them but when I see hers it is just a constant reminder of what I don't have. God had a way of putting a strain on that relationship since the loss though so I don't see her too much. Which is good and bad. I want to work through the issues I have and have tried to reach out to her but keep getting nothing in return from her. I am trying to be compassionate about the fact that she has a 5 yr old and and newborn at home so she probably can't talk much but we live 5 houses from each other and I have mad an effort to try and see her and spend time with her and she keeps backing out or refusing to get together. I can't help but take it personally. Like I am tainted or something. I know it is my own stuff but I am getting to the point where I don't even want to make the effort anymore. Well I just needed to vent a littl so thanks for listening ladies.
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  #17  
January 3rd, 2011, 10:14 AM
*Kristina's Avatar Miss Mommy
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I know you feel, and I still get that way mostly with my first miscarriage because I got so far (my second miscarriage was here and gone hardly before I even realized it). My first miscarriage was also my very first pregnancy, and when I got pregnant with Roxie (which was hard enough as it was), I felt guilt throughout the whole thing... It still hits me, because I am so happy with all of my babies, that two of my little ones aren't with me and it's hard to handle...
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