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Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
April 8th, 2011, 08:30 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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...that every time there's a discussion about viability and baby's chances of survival if born early, I automatically think "well, if the baby is born alive in the first place, anyway."


I'm so negative lately and I don't like it.
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  #2  
April 8th, 2011, 08:36 AM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Brittanie - After what you went through with Cora it is to be expected. I think you are being too hard on yourself. S&*& they would still have me in a padded room and white coat if I went through what you did.

(((hugs))) you are super strong and it is ok to feel negative once in a while.
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  #3  
April 8th, 2011, 09:23 AM
JessP's Avatar Lovin life and family
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I do the same thing although not on the exact scale. But all those oh I am at 12 weeks we are "safe" posts drove me nuts. I wanted to be like really you think so, is that why two of my babies are dead?! Totally get what you are going through and I am so sorry that you are going through it.

We are here just let it out sweetie.
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  #4  
April 8th, 2011, 09:24 AM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I feel the same way...Yes babies are viable, but that doesn't mean they can't still die before they are born...Most who haven't been through it, just don't understand.
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  #5  
April 8th, 2011, 09:27 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Yeah, I didn't want to post anything like that in my DDC, but I'm glad I have you ladies or I would be in a padded room!

I need to make sure that with our next/last baby I'm not pregnant around Cora's birthday! I just makes it worse.
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  #6  
April 8th, 2011, 09:31 AM
mom2moose
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I don't think you're negative at all!! The fact is, you're right. Viability means nothing when you suffered through a stillbirth. I don't know how you manage at all some days. I would be crazy!!!! I think you're doing the best you can under the circumstances! Don't be so hard on yourself! You're not Wonder Woman. You're a mom who's scared. No one could fault you or blame you for that!! Praying for you girl!!
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  #7  
April 8th, 2011, 10:51 AM
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HUGS... While I totaly understand where you are comming from, I have to say viability is what got me through my pregnancy. When the girls hit "viability" I felt that if they were born, they would have a fighting chance. I did know that their could still be issues. But this was the way I got through my pregnancy after having three losses.. It was the only way I could get up in the morning and get through the day. I was able to breath a little bit. Nothing is guarenteed, everyone on this board knows this.. we have all had a loss... but I had to grab and hold on to the idea... that IF they were born early... they would be ok... or at least have a fighting chance.

I am so sorry... for what you went through... I can understand, but try to understand that for some... this is a crutch. I have never had a baby born sleeping.. But I have had three early losses and every day through my pregnancy I held my breath when I peed, I poked my boobs until they were brusied to make sure they still hurt.... it suked that I couldn't "enjoy" it. When I would talk about my pregnancy it was IF... until I hit viability.... than I felt like... OK they would have a chance and started talking WHEN, but I always had in the back of my head... yes something could still go wrong.

I hope I didn't hurt or offend anyone.... I just hope you can understand a little where ladies like me are comming from..... HUGS....
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  #8  
April 8th, 2011, 11:15 AM
mom2moose
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Unless I misunderstood something, I don't think Brittanie was saying anything bad about those who wait for "viability". I think she just means that she can't do that, as she has firsthand knowledge that viability doesn't mean everything. Especially in terms of stillbirth. I think she's saying she "wishes" she could look forward to viability and feel safer. I could be wrong though!
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  #9  
April 8th, 2011, 12:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2moose View Post
Unless I misunderstood something, I don't think Brittanie was saying anything bad about those who wait for "viability". I think she just means that she can't do that, as she has firsthand knowledge that viability doesn't mean everything. Especially in terms of stillbirth. I think she's saying she "wishes" she could look forward to viability and feel safer. I could be wrong though!
I am not saying she was saying anything bad... I have known Britt for a long time here on JM.... I am just saying some woman have to grab on to "viability" to get through the day, since it is everything to some... ladies like me. Like I said above, I didn't want to offend... we all have different "crutches" that we hold onto.. and different obsticles we have to get through.
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  #10  
April 8th, 2011, 01:41 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Yeah, Kary, I do understand that perspective. Which is why I don't say anything very often. I wish it reassured me as much as it does others.

I guess it's just all the discussions going on in my DDC (like it is a guarantee) and Cora's birthday coming...just making me grumpy.
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  #11  
April 8th, 2011, 03:02 PM
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Brittanie, I completely understand where you are coming from, I lost Mia at 34 weeks. I am so afraid. At the moment I feel like there is not one milestone that I can hit that will make me feel better. I mean I will admit with Mia, I hit 24 weeks and took a breath of fresh air but she was my first and I was naive. I have a feeling that I will not be okay until I have a baby who is crying in my arms.
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  #12  
April 8th, 2011, 04:30 PM
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((hugs))
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  #13  
April 8th, 2011, 05:30 PM
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I'm sorry. There are certain things that seem to mean different things to different people. I have a hard time posting about babies chances of survival when all I'm thinking is, "yah, they may live but with what problems." I won't breath a sigh of relief until my baby is in my arms coming home with me.

My OB congratulated me on 23 weeks and it took all my effort to stop myself from asking if she was going to relax and not try and get me further. She had originally asked me if I wanted to continue the pregnancy because I may have to deliver at 23 weeks. Some days I wish I could carry around a sign that reads "Open Mouth, Insert foot now".
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  #14  
April 8th, 2011, 05:31 PM
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I struggle with how much to let myself be comforted by naive ideas of "now my baby is safe". But I also realize that even with the baby here and crying in my arms, I would be worried about SIDS, choking, random diseases, etc. I think almost any senseless tragic event can make you lose faith and trust in life to go well and your loved ones to be safe and healthy. The more unexpected and traumatic the loss, the worse the loss of trust. I try to keep a day-to-day acceptance/awareness that things are fine, right now... to live in the moment... and try not to think too much about the future and things I cannot control. It is hard though. Sometimes fear takes over.

I don't blame you girls for being put off by the DDC threads.
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  #15  
April 8th, 2011, 09:54 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shen7 View Post
But I also realize that even with the baby here and crying in my arms, I would be worried about SIDS, choking, random diseases, etc.
It's very true and I have to try very hard not to let myself get really paranoid. But the difference is I can see my kids and make sure they're okay so I think I feel a little more of a sense of control over what's going on with them. But when pregnant? I can't even just look at the baby to make sure everything's all right.

It's the lack of control that makes me wig out, I think.
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  #16  
April 8th, 2011, 10:55 PM
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Hugs for everyone. I am just glad we can come here and all understand. I know that I felt more hope after 14 weeks and now again at 15 weeks I am feeling even more. Its like each week that passes gives me more hope that baby will arrive. I also agree that I will worry until the day we meet our maker. We are moms thats what we do . Sorry that this month is so rough for you Brittanie. I hope it goes quickly.
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  #17  
April 9th, 2011, 06:00 AM
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Hugs Brittanie, I understand.......I fear all my pregnancy, for m/c, still birth, birth defects, you name it......I have NO crutch. I have had several people IRL live through stillbirth, sids, birth defects........I worry for all of it, even though I have only had m/c's. As moms, do we ever have a "crutch"? My 18yr old is off to the Army in one month.....I fear him being "killed" now.....there is no end to our fears, ever IMO. Hang in there and vent away, this is the only way we can deal with all these fears head on, just talking about it and going one day at a time.
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  #18  
April 9th, 2011, 01:34 PM
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Britt I understand what you are saying.. I hardly go into the DDC at all.. In the beginning I didn't want to get too attached, and I never felt at home.. All I do is update pics, and glance around, but I really feel at home here, where you ladies all understand where I am coming from, and we can all be a crutch for eachother.. I am thinking about you and praying for you through this difficult time.. HUGS hun.
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  #19  
April 10th, 2011, 01:55 AM
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  #20  
April 10th, 2011, 07:27 AM
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I feel the same way you do, Brit, but things are changing my perspective this pregnancy. The biggest suspect in my losses is placental failure of some sort, so they are watching me closely for any signs of trouble. My OB said that, if they see any, they will have to decide when to "pull the plug", and yes that is an exact quote. I didn't care for the terminology. Anyway, I am looking at each week as a step closer to beating the boogie man (my personal one, that is), so viability has new meaning for me. At the same point, I know that it could mean nothing at all. I may still lose this little one. So many things in life are beyond our control. I hope this pregnancy passes quickly for you. The constant worry is very difficult to deal with.
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