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We told DH's parents... cue the vent, lol


Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
April 10th, 2011, 08:45 AM
ohnicole's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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My DH and I had decided that if everything looked good at our u/s last week that we would tell our families that I was pregnant. His parents happened to be coming to visit this weekend, so we made our announcement.

They were definitely excited- they are constantly making comments about if/when we have kids, so I know they are happy and excited. But MIL kept saying things like, "Well, you are only 8 weeks, so we will wait another month or two before we really get excited." Or, "Well, you lost the last baby at 12 weeks, so you have another 4 or 5 weeks until it is safe to get excited." Or, "And did the doctor say that nothing bad is going to happen with this pregnancy?" Or, "Make sure you take care of that baby until it is safe in a month or two."

I know they didn't mean anything by it. They are worried just like us. But it is our baby. How does it makes sense to basically keep telling a pregnant woman who has already experienced a loss, "You really shouldn't be excited at all because your baby could die at any moment." Because I don't know that my baby could die at any time? Am I just supposed to be sitting here in constant terror, paralyzed because I am obsessing that my baby might die?

I'm trying really hard to stay positive, and so far I am really proud of how well I've been doing. But this few weeks between 7.5 weeks and 12 weeks is when our angel's heart stopped beating, and I know that it is going to get harder and harder to keep the fear out. As soon as the u/s was over I could tell my DH felt less worried, but I started having moments of panic. I really don't need anyone constantly reminding me that my baby might not make it.

Besides the fact that there is no "safe" time when the baby is magically guaranteed to come home with us. I have an increased risk of late loss from my clotting disorder, but no one seems to acknowledge that. I guess I didn't get the memo that when you get past your loss date everything is magically fine.

This is so long, lol. I guess I kind of wish now that I could spend my whole pregnancy in a bubble, just being happy and not listening to anyone else. It might be denial, but it works for me.
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  #2  
April 10th, 2011, 09:37 AM
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Your MIL sounds pretty annoying! Some people just keep saying the wrong things over and over again, you know??? Ugh.

I know I can't say anything that would totally reassure you, except that, if you want to go into a bubble and just try not to think about the pregnancy at all, that's not a bad things to do IMO. Whatever you need to keep yourself going and keep your head together. And definitely avoid the MIL.... and anyone else who has foot-in-mouth syndrome...
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  #3  
April 10th, 2011, 09:37 AM
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I am so sorry that they are constantly reminding you of how you might still not get to have this baby too. Is there any way that you could have DH just tell them to back off a little. That you both know that something could be wrong but you are pregnant today and you want to enjoy it as much as you can with out the constant reminder that something might go wrong. Once again sorry that they really weren't more supportive.
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  #4  
April 10th, 2011, 10:04 AM
mom2moose
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Some people, especially those perhaps in the older generation, don't really know what to say about m/c's. They were taboo. So they have the tendency to say stupid things. I'm sorry she hurt you. Right now is a scary time for you and will be for a few more weeks. I would avoid your MIL, and anyone else who may say stupid things. I know that no matter what, you're going to worry. I hope you don't let it overwhelm you!! Good luck dear!
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  #5  
April 10th, 2011, 10:15 AM
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Hugs! I think this is why we waited this time to tell anyone 'til we were past the 12 week mark. I know my Mom is still super worried, but she does try not to say anything. I think Jenny might be on the right track in terms of it being a generational thing. M/C just wasn't something that anyone spoke about. She is probably thinking she is trying to spare your feelings, without even realizing that she is hurting you in an entirely different way.

On a totally different note, can I ask which clotting disorder you have? I was diagnosed with prothrombin gene mutation, but I am taking baby aspiring daily in hopes that this will be enough.
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  #6  
April 10th, 2011, 10:31 AM
ohnicole's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks, everyone Luckily (for now at least) we live in a different state than DH's parents so if they are really getting to me, I can just not answer the phone, lol. And I agree, I'm sure she's trying to be nice, but it's just rubbing me the wrong way

Janey, I also have prothrombin mutation! It doesn't seem that common, so I'm surprised you have it too. I am doing daily baby aspirin and Lovenox injections, but my sister had a stroke (she had many more contributing factors than just prothrombin, but it really freaked me out), so I kind of pushed for more aggressive treatment. I think most people don't get the Lovenox with just prothrombin. Are you getting any extra monitoring during pregnancy? I'm wondering what my OB is going to recommend.
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  #7  
April 10th, 2011, 11:37 AM
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Nicole I am glad they are excited but I wish someone could tell your MIL to shut up. It's hard enough yourself knowing things can happen, you don't need someone to tell you it constantly. HUGS!
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  #8  
April 10th, 2011, 11:48 AM
kellyanne's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I agree with Jenny as well, it was definitely very taboo to talk about miscarriages when our mothers were young. My mother was just incredibly uncomfortable talking about it with me. I personally feel that it is important for our generation to do what we can to change that attitude about miscarriage. So even though it is hard, I tell people I've had miscarriages...and if they ask questions, I answer them. I want people to know that just because I have three beautiful children doesn't mean I haven't been through some hard times. And that just because they may be going through hard times doesn't mean they won't have beautiful rainbow babies. That's why I love this board.....this is the place where I realized that...

So, with all that said, instead of ignoring your clearly well-meaning MIL, you could inform her. Just tell her that you know the likely cause of your last loss and you are doing everything possible to prevent it from happening again. Tell her that due to your type of gene mutation there isn't really a "safe" time where everything will for sure be okay. So, you are choosing/trying your best to be excited for each day and she would be supporting you best (which she wants to do) if she did the same.
Hugs!
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  #9  
April 10th, 2011, 12:23 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Just want to give you hugs Nicole.
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  #10  
April 10th, 2011, 01:36 PM
JessP's Avatar Lovin life and family
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I am glad you were able to tell them. I am sorry they felt they needed to remind you that something could go wrong. Its hard enough for us as it is. I am glad that you are feeling good. We are here as you go through these next couple weeks. We all understand. Just remember you are pregnant now and baby is fine enjoy this. Enjoy every minute.
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