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So I decided to play hooky from work. I was gonna lay around, relax, catch up on housework. Which for the most part I did. I just got my PC back from the shop and hooked it up. It's been gone about 2 months now (my friend is slow) so I hooked it right up to test it out. I saw this disk sitting here, which had no label on it. I was sure it was pictures so I popped it in.
Well, it was some pictures of Sebastian. Ones that I hadn't seen. Ones that the nurses took for me, after he passed, when they were cleaning him up so I could see him one last time. I knew they existed, but they said not to look at them until I was ready....
Well, I guess I wasn't ready I looked thru them all, literally screaming I was crying so hard. Then, for some reason, I felt compelled to go look at his baby box, at all those pictures, his hair clippings, his hand/feet casts, his little outfit...
I have been a total wreck the whole day. I called BF and he was busy at work... i was sobbing hysterically and he was cursing himself for not hiding the disk better. He calmed me down a little. But I couldn't shake the awful feeling. I kept screaming, crying, begging god to PLEASE not take this baby - he already has one of my precious angels, why would he need another? All the while my new little one kicking up a storm inside me. I almost feel like I am allowing myself too much enjoyment. Like I need to go back to being severely depressed.
I don't know what I'm gonna do. I called my mom, she was with a friend, so I didn't want to unload on her. So I just lay here and cried - for my Sebastian and for my new baby, praying that he would not meet the same cruel fate.
Just when I thought the nightmare was over. How the hell am I ever gonna make it to the end of this pregnancy?
OH Robyn, I'm so sorry! But that little kicking inside you will be just fine. I just know it. I don't know if you remember me, I think we were in the October dd board together and I lost my baby. I am now pregnant again!
...you do deserve to be happy. This pregnancy, this baby deserves as much love and excitement and anticipation as Sebastians....He is with GOD now, but you have been blessed with a second chance, you are ALLOWED to be happy about that. You should not feel guilty about moruning your first son and you should not feel guilty about feeling happy or any excitement for Leo (sorry I am going off memory, you guys are naming him Leo right?)
Don't try and analyze how you feel. Just feel. Don't worry if you feel like you are allowing yourself to be too happy. By whose standards? Who cares what the world thinks. Go with your flow. If you are having a great week and things seem good, then embrace that. If you are having a bad week or day and memories and feelings are too tough then go with that until you can pick yourself up from it.
Don't fight against yourself. Let yourself feel what comes naturally, I really think healing is best that way.
No worries about how you "should" feel. Focus more on healing and living each day as it comes. I hope you feel better soon Robyn. (((HUGS)))
I am so sorry that you had to find the pictures like that when you weren't prepared for that. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you. I just know that everything is going to go perfect for that little one inside you and I know its hard for you to think that but try to stay positive. You are so strong for going through what you have and you'll make it through this pregnancy and before you know it you'll be carrying your little one home from the hospital. You so deserve this and you'll get there. I'm so sorry you had a rough day though and felt alone in it.
<span style="color:#333399">JACK MATTHEW BORN NOVEMBER 25TH AT 4:39PM WEIGHING 7LBS 11OZ, 20.5 INCHES
Oh Robyn. I cried for you when I read your post. I'm assuming this is what the "bumping" game you played with Leo cheered you up from? That little man already knows how to take care of his mama
Be happy for Leo - you deserve all the happieness you can muster out of this. I hope someone video tapes you comming home with him, I've been praying for that for you from the first time I heard your story. Yes God has your son, but just think, Leo will always have a big brother looking down on him.
HUGS, I hope you are feeling better today
I am so sorry hun- I don't know what to say besides I am so sorry and that you should enjoy Leo and know that he is in there and healthy as can be and that you are doing everything you can for him to keep him safe. ((((HUGS))))