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Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
May 28th, 2011, 02:37 PM
Cheshire's Avatar Mommy to three beauties!
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"everything happens for a reason" after a loss? I never post here, I had a late first/early second trimester loss several months ago and I'm 15 weeks pregnant now. I know some of you, hi!

I was just talking to a "friend" about how I worry about this pregnancy because of the last and she said "everything happens for a reason but I'm sure it's fine" and I can't help but take that as "Eh, if it dies, it dies but I'm sure it won't."

Does that phrase hurt anyone else? It just depresses me and really frustrates me too. I do believe in God but the God I believe in is not one who has anything to do with baby casualties in His master plan and if I did believe that, I wouldn't say that to someone experiencing a loss. Regardless, the people who've said it to me were not religious...any of them.
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  #2  
May 28th, 2011, 03:01 PM
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I think it's just one of the mindless platitudes that people spout off when they don't know what else to say. I tend to just feel sorry for them when they say stuff like that... in my better moments anyway

It's not the kind of thing that you EVER hear someone say after they have gone through a real tragedy of some kind. Because when you have been through that, you know how senseless, random, and not "for a reason" bad things can happen. But some people are lucky enough to be more naive...
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  #3  
May 28th, 2011, 03:09 PM
Cheshire's Avatar Mommy to three beauties!
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Usually I gave people the benefit of the doubt but in this one, when she was talking to me about my worry about IMPENDING loss, I couldn't and cannot see the rationale in that! "Hey I'm having such and such problem and I'm so worried I will miscarry again" "Everything happens for a reason but I'm sure you're fine" I just can't seem to take that nicely in any which way!
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  #4  
May 28th, 2011, 04:36 PM
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I know this phrase is offensive to a lot of people, and I totally understand why. However, it was one of the only things that helped me through my miscarriage. It actually gave me comfort, and since I really DO believe that everything happens for a reason, it was easier for me to think and hear from another (although only my close friend who already knew how I felt is the one who said it). On the flip side though, I feel like if I had more then 1 loss, I would have a much harder time believing that it happened for a reason. So it's kinda wierd for me.
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  #5  
May 28th, 2011, 05:44 PM
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I hated that statement and still do. And got it a lot both after my losses (four of them!) and during the beginning of my pregnancy with this baby. And I think it really does boil down to people being lucky and naive...to believe that bad things don't happen to good people for no reason. But that sort of thing happens everyday and I don't believe there was a reason for my losses or anyone else's (even though there was for mine...a blood clotting reason, nothing at all to do with God). It just is something they say to guard themselves against hurt and pain in the future. They figure it happened to me, so there must be a reason. But if it happens to them, you darn well know they will feel the same way we do...lost, confused, sad, helpless, etc. And that is when they get how stupid that statement is.

I pretty much just blow people like that off. I can't do anything about it and my trying to explain why that statement is the opposite of helpful does not do any good. Hopefully they will never have to understand that platitude and how it can hurt.
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  #6  
May 28th, 2011, 08:53 PM
JessP's Avatar Lovin life and family
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I am so sorry that you have gone through a loss and have to listen to people be stupid. I hate those statements. I never cared the reason, I just wanted my babies. Congratulations on your pregnancy. We are here anytime you have worries that you need/want to talk about. I hope you have a happy and healthy 9 months.
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  #7  
May 28th, 2011, 09:01 PM
Libby22's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I wish people would keep things to them selfs. I got told once you can always have another baby 2days after my m/c.
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  #8  
May 28th, 2011, 09:16 PM
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I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, but I think it is a completely inappropriate thing to say to someone who has just had a loss! I heard it TONS, and it really hurt. I thought why would God WANT me to miscarry? What possible reason could there be? When I finally had my son though, it was a magical moment! I love him so much and I would have ten more losses to get him!
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  #9  
May 29th, 2011, 07:26 AM
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I hate this statement and have behaved badly whenever anyone was silly enough to say it to me, which is probably why I don't really hear it anymore. Right now I am having to hear "You have to have faith/hope/trust that everything will work out". This statement also makes me behave badly. I think, more than anything else, it is the presumption of people who have not/are not going through the same issue telling you 'how it is' that is the most insulting. What ever happened to a simple 'I'm sorry'? People shouldn't underestimate the power of the basics.
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  #10  
May 29th, 2011, 07:41 AM
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Not many people knew we had experienced a loss until about a year later. We hadn't told anyone we were expecting, mostly because we were in shock that we were at the time. And then by the time we were feeling like telling, we had the loss. SO, I didn't hear that (or anything) at the time. But once we started TTC I only remained positive for about 4-5 months, then every month I was devestated every time AF arrived. For the handful who knew we were trying, I got so SICK of hearing "everything happens for a reason," and "You have two beautiful kids to be thankful for, so if you're meant to have more you will but if not you have to except that that's just the plan for you."

I wasn't willing to accept that...and I am a believer that everything in time reveals it's reason, but not when it comes to babies and TTC. To me there is no "reason" for losses or for people who try for months and years on end with no success. I often thought God had "forgotten me." It took over a year to conceive this bean..and now people actually have the nerve to say, "See, we told you everything happens for a reason.'

Don't say "I told you so" to me! Ugh

I'm sorry your friend was insensitive enough to say that to you, especially over your worries.

We all totally understand your anxiety/worry and we're here to listen and encourage you whenever you need. Try and chalk it up to people who haven't been through something like a loss just cannot get it.

And please no one misunderstand me. I'm very strong in my Faith and my belief in God and the power of prayer. I just don't think He chooses for us to go through these losses and struggles. I don't think there is a understandable "reason" for it, and successfully having another baby after a loss does not "replace" or make okay the precious angels we have lost. They will still always be in our hearts and minds, and they will always be our Angels.
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  #11  
May 29th, 2011, 08:35 AM
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It really is an insensitive phrase which I heard all the time after my loss. People figured because I already had 4 children my loss was insignificant. It really hurt me.
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  #12  
May 29th, 2011, 11:08 AM
ItsFinallyOct's Avatar Super Mommy
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I dont think it's a BAD phrase. You have to think about the other person who is saying it. People talking about DEATH or something painful that has happened to another is something they dont like to do, and I think it's a phrase that is meant with GOOD HEART and spoken to make the discussion short and sweet. If you talk to a parent who has a kid with cancer....or if they have cancer..the automatic answer is..>HE IS STRONG...HE WILL BEAT THIS! or something similar. When darn good and well the person/parent knows the kid will not. I am SURE they get sick of those phrases.

When someone loses a family member etc. The first thing you say is I"M SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. It's easy to say and if you rattle on and on, you worry about saying something Stupid.

I do feel like things happen for a reason with miscarriage whether we accept that ANSWER or not. I'm talking early on...not late losses.


If you want to judge someone's comments...EVER...judge the tone of voice. NOT what they say.
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  #13  
May 29th, 2011, 11:46 AM
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I agree! Mine always felt a little rude just because people would often say well you were only 11 weeks, or you already have 4 children ect. I know in some way they were trying to help but it made me feel alone like I was the only one who cared about my loss!
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  #14  
May 29th, 2011, 06:22 PM
Cheshire's Avatar Mommy to three beauties!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IsItOctYet View Post
I dont think it's a BAD phrase. You have to think about the other person who is saying it. People talking about DEATH or something painful that has happened to another is something they dont like to do, and I think it's a phrase that is meant with GOOD HEART and spoken to make the discussion short and sweet. If you talk to a parent who has a kid with cancer....or if they have cancer..the automatic answer is..>HE IS STRONG...HE WILL BEAT THIS! or something similar. When darn good and well the person/parent knows the kid will not. I am SURE they get sick of those phrases.

When someone loses a family member etc. The first thing you say is I"M SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. It's easy to say and if you rattle on and on, you worry about saying something Stupid.

I do feel like things happen for a reason with miscarriage whether we accept that ANSWER or not. I'm talking early on...not late losses.


If you want to judge someone's comments...EVER...judge the tone of voice. NOT what they say.
Well in my second post I mentioned that the reason it upset me was the fact that she said it about whether or not I miscarry this baby when I was seeking comfort in the fact that I was worried about losing this baby. Do you know what I mean? I had plenty of people say it after my loss and I just ignored everyone.
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  #15  
May 29th, 2011, 11:11 PM
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I totally see why it bothered you! I think it would bother me too if someone said it to me. Weirdly enough - I sort of think it myself - like if I hadn't lost my first two babies I wouldn't have my daughter. It's weird. Bittersweet - but somehow it feels worth it?
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  #16  
May 30th, 2011, 05:27 AM
onedaysoon's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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It hurt me too when I heard this...and I heard it alot, from people who were very close to me even.

That, and "you're still young" and "it was early on" are the 3 things I hated to hear. One of my coworkers even started a few of these sentences with "It's a good thing that...".

I'm sorry for your loss, and congrats on the new pregnancy! Please feel free to stop by here anytime!
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  #17  
May 30th, 2011, 05:35 PM
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I've heard it too many times to count over the last year and I hate it. I even had one person tell me when i had my first loss (at 21 weeks after having already found out it was a boy) "Well, maybe this is for the best because i know you secretly wanted a girl". It took everything i had not to slap her, and of course she was pregnant as well and we'd been due two weeks apart. There is no good reason for all the pain we've all been through.
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  #18  
May 31st, 2011, 11:35 PM
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I say take it day by day your a strong woman and don't let peoples senseless attitudes bring you down! xox
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  #19  
June 1st, 2011, 07:37 PM
RubyRocks's Avatar Rockin' Momma
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Honestly, I live by that saying & when we lost our son at 18w6d, hearing that over & over really helped me get through it.

There is a reason behind everything, whether we choose to see it or not. The loss of a child is heartbreaking to say the least, but there are positives that can come from it. For me it was the reminder of how tomorrow is not promised, & to live each day like it was your last. Our loss was a turning point in my life for the better - that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell sometimes, but I wouldn't be who I am right now without it.

I personally don't think your friend meant any harm, & probably was just at a loss at the "right thing" to say at that point in time.
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