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An update and some pictures... (x-posted) Update in #14


Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
May 31st, 2011, 07:26 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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I haven't been around that much in a couple of weeks, but I thought I should give a quick update. I am off work now, and have been for a little more than a week. I honestly think that it is a very good thing that I am off, as the stress and work load were beyond my ability to cope right now. It was a bit of a sticky thing, my leaving early, because they weren't yet prepared for me to go.
I have also been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which was a bit of a surprise to me. I knew that I was having a rough time with this pregnancy, but given my history I thought I was doing OK. Not great, but within the expected emotional range. I don't think there is a plan to do anything treatment-wise, but this is the medical reason that I am off work at the moment. As I approach the points at which I loss my son and daughter, I am having increased anxiety etc. The nightmares are terrible and the emotions linger for a long time, so I have decided to keep a dream journal. I am hoping that by writing them down I can empty them from my brain, if that makes sense.
As for baby, everything seems to be OK so far. Most of the time baby helps my sanity by being fairly active. I wish I didn't have an anterior placenta so I could feel even more. At my u/s at 19 weeks, the gender guess was girl, but they weren't 100% on that. They tried again at my 21 week u/s, but baby was still being shy. I have another u/s this Friday, so hopefully we will see more then. I've attached some pictures from my 19 weeks u/s (they didn't give me any at the 21 week u/s) and a bump shot from today, just one day shy of 23 weeks. Sorry for the novel!


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Last edited by ~Laurie~; June 3rd, 2011 at 06:59 PM.
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  #2  
May 31st, 2011, 07:49 PM
mom2moose
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You look great!

Sorry about the PTSD. I was diagnosed with that after my first husband passed away. Are you seeing a counselor? I think the dream diary will help you out a lot. Anytime you have a rush of feelings or emotions, maybe you could write some stuff down.

I hope you get to find out the gender next week. How exciting!! I hope your pregnancy continues to go smoothly. Good luck!!
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  #3  
May 31st, 2011, 07:51 PM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
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Thanks for the update! My FIL has PTSD and I know how hard it is on him. I can only imagine how it is for you. I pray that your precious little one grows healthy and strong and you get your beautiful rainbow baby.

The ultrasound and bump pictures are adorable!
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  #4  
May 31st, 2011, 09:12 PM
JessP's Avatar Lovin life and family
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So glad you are doing well. I think of you often but don't like to bug you as I know you are trying to stay low key with this pregnancy. I think the bump shot and u/s pics are great. Glad you are off work and it is helping. Nightmares are the worst and the lingering doesn't help. I hope the diary helps. We are here anytime you need us. Please lean on us for support. Glad everything is going ok. KUP!!
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  #5  
June 1st, 2011, 05:46 AM
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Glad are home and able to rest more without the added stress of work. I think the journal is a very good idea. I'm sorry for all the stress you are going through...I cannot begin to imagine. We are here to listen whenever you need us. You have a beautiful bump and I love the ultrasound pics of your precious bean. I will be thinking of you!
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  #6  
June 1st, 2011, 06:12 AM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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((hugs)) I am sorry you are going through all the stress but it is totally understandable. Hopefully with you being home this will help.

Your belly is adorable!!
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  #7  
June 1st, 2011, 10:23 AM
L-SBB's Avatar Bébé Cowgirl
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beautiful pics Laurie - and you look great, what a cute bump! Hopefully the PTSD diagnosis, even if you can't receive treatment for it, helps you just in identifying/acknowledging the stress you feel. I think of you often and look forward to your next update!
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  #8  
June 1st, 2011, 10:51 AM
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Thanks everyone for your kind words and support! My mother keeps nagging me about the smallness of my bump. My butt is compensating for the size difference.
The last couple of nights my dreams have been...different. They are still nightmares, but not obviously related to my stillbirths (last night I was in some sort of underground club that had hellhounds and other evil creatures and I was to be dinner for them!), and strange as it sounds, I see this as improvement. LOL. I just hope that, if/when I make it past 30 weeks or so, that I can relax and actually begin to believe that I will get a baby in the end.
I think the PTSD is largely caused by the pregnancy. I felt depressed, sad, guilty etc. before the pregnancy, and I likely will after. I think the stress, panic and anxiety are caused by my worry that it will happen again and by my feeling that I am the only was responsible and the only one that can prevent it. I am feeling overwhelmed by it all, and feel like I just want to get through this pregnancy and deal with my emotional issues after. I am just not sure if this is a good idea or cowardly. Either way, I plan to take it one day at a time! Thanks again! I will probably be around a lot more in the future, so I will be sure to keep you updated.
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  #9  
June 1st, 2011, 02:24 PM
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Awww beautiful pics.. I am sorry you are having such a rough time.. I hope that as you pass these next few wks you will become less stressed and be able to enjoy the pregnancy and relax more.. I can totally understand why it would be hard on you. HUGS!!
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  #10  
June 1st, 2011, 10:28 PM
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Beautiful pics!!!! I'm sorry you are so stressed. I can only imagine. We are here to listen! more s!
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  #11  
June 2nd, 2011, 04:50 AM
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Sorry you are feeling so stressed, but glad you're off from work and able to try to take it easy.

The pics are adorable!!
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  #12  
June 2nd, 2011, 08:08 AM
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Laurie, your pics are beautiful, thank you for sharing........I know that was a HUGE step. I cannot even begin to know your kind of stress with this pregnancy, but hope that you find little moments of comfort and joy in your pregnancy. It was very brave of you to come on here and share with us your fears of this journey, and for that you are a very strong woman in my eyes.
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  #13  
June 2nd, 2011, 08:26 AM
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Beautiful! You are really in my thoughts. I agree that you are such a strong woman. I know we sometimes hate to read that, or hear that. But, after all you have gone through, and yet you are here again carrying another baby. Just amazing. I am praying you get to take home your baby this time, warm and cuddly and snuggly!
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  #14  
June 3rd, 2011, 06:58 PM
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Aww, thanks ladies! I've been told that people think I/we (DH and I) are strong/brave to keep trying, but it always makes me feel like a phony because I think I'm the biggest chicken that's ever clucked! I am not brave enough to give up on my dream, and sometimes I wonder at the toll it takes on my life and family.
Anyway, I had a doctor's appointment and ultrasound today. Everything looks good! I asked what they are checking on the u/s and the doctor said they check the heard circumference and femur length for growth, the amount of amniotic fluid because low fluid can indicate placental problems, and blood flow through the cord. The baby is still a girl and we have a date set for the c-section - September 22nd! Now I just need to make it that far.
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  #15  
June 3rd, 2011, 07:53 PM
JessP's Avatar Lovin life and family
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Wohoo for a C-Section date! And baby still being a girl. How very exciting. You could have your baby before me . I am very happy you are doing so well.
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  #16  
June 3rd, 2011, 08:48 PM
L-SBB's Avatar Bébé Cowgirl
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woot woot! Sept 22nd is a lovely day to be born How often are they doing u/s Laurie? I'm glad you're getting to see her frequently! HUGS
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  #17  
June 3rd, 2011, 09:19 PM
klt klt is offline
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September 22nd is Max's birthday! It's a great day to be born. I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. I'm hoping the dreams become more peaceful and positive as your pregnancy becomes less of a worry. Beautiful pics of your gorgeous baby! I'll continue to think of you and say prayers, even though I'm not on the boards as much as I used to be Take care. Thinking of you!
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  #18  
June 3rd, 2011, 11:49 PM
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Yay!
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  #19  
June 4th, 2011, 04:38 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Yay for a date!!! I'm sort of jealous that you got your csection date before I get my induction date! lol I'm SO glad everything is looking good for you!
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  #20  
June 4th, 2011, 05:09 AM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
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I am so glad to see you have a date! That is amazing!
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