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I need to vent/whine, you name it...


Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
July 19th, 2011, 12:28 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,017
Hi Ladies...we find out the gender of our Bean on the 25th...just 6 days away...and OMGOSH EVERYONE feels the needs to go on and on about how they're SURE I'll be upset if this Bean is a boy.

I've gotten to the point of rude where I just say, "Yeah, just like I'm sure you were disappointed when you found out your baby was healthy but "X" gender."

The people that don't know the history behind getting to this point I am nice to and say, "As long as it's a healthy Bean" with a smile. But my close friends who KNOW what Steve and I went through for this baby (which wasn't as awful as a journey as some, but was hard enough for us) it really P's me OFF!

Why is it so hard for people to accept that I truly just wanted another baby? Yes, I have a list of reasons to "want" a girl, starting with wanting a daughter for when I'm older. And I have an equally long list of reasons to "want" a boy...starting with since highschool I dreamt of having four boys, had them all named and everything.

I want a healthy baby. I want to hold that baby come December and know we made it successfully to the end of this journey (pregnancy). I want the baby coos and cuddles, the baby smell...hell, even the sleepless nights because it means it's all real...FINALLY. Is that so flippin' hard for people to just accept? UGH.

And YES, I'm over-sensitive when it comes to this subject...I know that. I think they would be too if they lost a Bean, then tried for over a year to get pregnant again...with a chemical within that year+, and one additional "possible" chemical.

Okay, thank you for letting me vent!
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“Before you were conceived, I wanted you...
Before you were born, I loved you...
Before you were here an hour, I would die for you...
This is the miracle of love.” -Maureen Mansfield


(6), (3) and a due Dec. 25, 2011 and one up above and forever in our hearts.




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  #2  
July 19th, 2011, 02:27 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Posts: 43,564
Yeah, it's frustrating, isn't it?
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  #3  
July 19th, 2011, 02:33 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,017
It is. Thanks for the hugs. I don't expect people who don't know my history to get it...and I don't get bothered when they ask or assume I was trying for a girl. I guess it's a normal conclusion for a lot of people to draw (and when we first started TTC I agreed to try for a girl for my husband's sake). But, the people who are close enough to me to know our history to get this Bean ought to know better.


In the end, it doesn't matter what anyone says. I know we will love our Bean no matter what...boy, girl, completely healthy or with special needs. I just had to vent.

Thanks for responding, Brittanie!
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“Before you were conceived, I wanted you...
Before you were born, I loved you...
Before you were here an hour, I would die for you...
This is the miracle of love.” -Maureen Mansfield


(6), (3) and a due Dec. 25, 2011 and one up above and forever in our hearts.




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  #4  
July 19th, 2011, 04:39 PM
JessP's Avatar Lovin life and family
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With our first DH got sympathy calls because we were having a girl. People are stupid try to ignore them. I wish people wouldn't assume that what they want is what everyone wants.
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  #5  
July 19th, 2011, 05:04 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,364
That is so frustrating. This soooo hits home with me!

When I had my loss at 21 weeks one of my co-workers actually said to me "Well at least it was a boy - you would have been so much more upset if it was a girl." I totally lost it on her. I think people who don't go through the losses we've all suffered assume we all just want one of each, and maybe back when i had my ds i would have loved my second to be a dd, but after the last 18 months of hell, all I want is a healthy baby!
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  #6  
July 19th, 2011, 05:53 PM
OurSweetLabs's Avatar I LOVE My Boys!!
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: South Carolina
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(((HUGS)))

People just don't get it
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  #7  
July 19th, 2011, 06:19 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
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Oh My.... How sad. People just do not understand!!!

When my 3rd son was a boy people actually laughed at me. They made fun of the fact I wasn't having a girl. At that point I had not experienced loss but I was fuming mad!!

Boys rock!!
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  #8  
July 19th, 2011, 07:45 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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You girls really get everything...not even just loss stuff. I have come to adore you all and the fact you "get this" vent of mine makes me adore you all that much more!

Jess, well said...they should assume everyone wants what they want.

Thanks, Girls!
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“Before you were conceived, I wanted you...
Before you were born, I loved you...
Before you were here an hour, I would die for you...
This is the miracle of love.” -Maureen Mansfield


(6), (3) and a due Dec. 25, 2011 and one up above and forever in our hearts.




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  #9  
July 20th, 2011, 08:13 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,171
People are funny. I get tons of comments, too. But I can laugh at them right now because my hubby and I are taunting each other anyway. But the truth is, we'll be happy either way. Although hubby is going to be SUPER SUPER SUPER protective if it's a girl.
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  #10  
July 20th, 2011, 09:15 AM
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I've gotten a different form of the same reaction. I've had several people ask if this was a surprise baby since we already have one of each. Like the only reason to keep having kids is if you don't have a boy and a girl. It makes me so mad!

I'm sorry people are making assumptions about how you are feeling, especially people who should know better.
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  #11  
July 20th, 2011, 11:23 AM
ashj_1218's Avatar Hiya!
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,830
This really, really bothered me this pregnancy as well. I actually had a couple of flip-outs on people because of it.

Before we had ANY losses I was stupid and selfish. I made no "great" secret that I would adore a little girl since we did have our little boy (but never to the exclusion of more little guys). I do think it is pretty normal to "want" one of each, to experience both sides of the fence. And I am actually somewhat embarrassed that I ever said it outloud to anyone. YES, I would like a girl at some point. That does not mean that I am not delighted to have boys and feel blessed to have healthy little men. I would be incredibly lucky to be blessed with three or four little guys. So things have certainly changed.

I had SOOooo many people comment when we found out Kieran was a boy about "Oh you can try again" or "Well, that is good too." I honestly was thrilled he was a boy. And healthy. I cried because he was healthy and growing and I was getting my dream of having a second child. I had about two seconds of shock because I really thought the baby was a girl, just based on the pregnancy changes that were different. But it was not a disappointed shock, more of an adjustment one.

It really bothered me that people who knew how heartbreaking the 9 months before his conception were (with one 10 week loss and three chemical pregnancies back-to-back) had the gaul to think I was not thrilled with him being a little boy. As though it was somehow "less special" because I was not having one-of-each. I happen to think brothers are incredibly special and love that Liam is getting one. I had one person who said she would be "horrified" if her second child was another boy...in front of me. And knowing the losses I had been through. Needless to say, I don't talk to her anymore (and her poor second child, who is due in November, is another little boy).

People are stupid and insensitive. And they assume the way they are feeling is how you are feeling too. I hope your little bean is healthy and shows you the "goods," no matter what he/she is, I know you will be over-the-moon.
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  #12  
July 20th, 2011, 07:11 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,571
As someone who is expecting her third girl, I totally get where you are coming from. We got similar comments before, and if I wasn't careful with how I worded announcing that this baby is another girl to people, we got some unintentionally rude comments. My neighbor acted disappointed when we told her and said something like, "oh, I was really hoping you're were having a boy." I know she didn't mean anything mean about it, but I had to stop my self from making a rude comeback. I am sincere when I say that I am totally happy with having a third girl- I am used to girls, and I am excited to reuse my daughter's baby clothes that I've had stored away for the past 8 years. Yes, I would have been happy to have a baby of the opposite sex just to have that experience, but I am also genuinely happy with how things turned out.
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  #13  
July 21st, 2011, 10:35 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,017
Exactly, exactly, exactly! I'm happy to see I'm not the only one to experience this. That you all "get me." I hate that we've dealt with some insensitive people, and some non-thinkers. And some of them sound just plain rude.

Would it be nice to experience raising the opposite gender and feel like I "gave" my husband what he's always dreamt of (a little girl)? Yes. Do either of us really care as long as we have a healthy baby to hold come December? No! We prayed together nightly (something we'd always done privately) for a year and 4 months after our loss to please have one more healthy baby to complete our family. With our chemical we were devestated...to the point we didn't confirm a chemical in December. Every time AF showed up it was crushing and when I'd tell my husband, usually through tears, that she showed I'd watch his face fall and he'd say, "Maybe next month."

When we got the BFP for this Bean it was Friday, April 15th...he had a urologist appointment for the following Monday, APril 24th to have a sperm analysis done. He blamed himself thinking he was "too old" now and my ob said to have him tested first because it was less invasive.

These people saying stuff to me KNOW all this. Amazing.

And OMGOSH Nikki that would make me even more mad than what people have been doing. Just because you have one of each you're expected to stop adding to your family? Last we all checked having children is out of love...not out of a "want" of a certain sex. How silly people can be!!!!!
__________________
“Before you were conceived, I wanted you...
Before you were born, I loved you...
Before you were here an hour, I would die for you...
This is the miracle of love.” -Maureen Mansfield


(6), (3) and a due Dec. 25, 2011 and one up above and forever in our hearts.




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  #14  
July 21st, 2011, 12:37 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,564
Quote:
Originally Posted by BeccaBee View Post
When I had my loss at 21 weeks one of my co-workers actually said to me "Well at least it was a boy - you would have been so much more upset if it was a girl." I totally lost it on her. I think people who don't go through the losses we've all suffered assume we all just want one of each, and maybe back when i had my ds i would have loved my second to be a dd, but after the last 18 months of hell, all I want is a healthy baby!
SERIOUSLY??? Some people just need to be utterly slapped. I think ANYONE who has the urge to start a "comforting" with "at least" just needs to just shut up. That means that the baby's death is somehow better than whatever scenario they are proposing. As if there's something worse than your baby dying.
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  #15  
July 21st, 2011, 04:37 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,017
Amen, Brittanie!
__________________
“Before you were conceived, I wanted you...
Before you were born, I loved you...
Before you were here an hour, I would die for you...
This is the miracle of love.” -Maureen Mansfield


(6), (3) and a due Dec. 25, 2011 and one up above and forever in our hearts.




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