I'm a MESS (loss mentioned...not mine)

hubshope · #1 July 19th, 2011, 07:51 PM

The people who live behind me lost their baby boy today. She (Stephanie) was due on July 30th. She went in for her regular visit this morning and found out the baby had passed. She was admitted to Labor and Delivery for an induction...I found out a few hours ago and I've been a mess ever since.

First and foremost, my heart is just broken for Stephanie, Brian (her DH) and Grayson (their 5 year old son). I cannot imagine and do not want to imagine the enormity of their pain right now. I cannot imagine having to explain a loss like that to my boys either.

Second, the fear this strikes in my heart is ferocious! When I was about two months away from my due date with Benjamin my friend Susan lost her baby girl. She had a normal, healthy pregnancy and a normal delivery, but Aubrey never took a breath. I was so sad for her, incredibly sad, and also terrified because prior to this happening to Susan I'd never known anyone personally that it happened to.

This time, however, the fear is that much greater than it was even back then. It was easy, never having had a loss, never having belonged to groups like PAL or TTCAL to say back then, "The chance of that happening is so slim." Nearly 7 years later I realize that it happens more than you assume when you're still in that "pregnant never having had a loss bliss" type of pregnancy. Does that make sense?

Please keep Stephanie, Brian and Grayson in your prayers. They had not been sharing baby names, so I am unsure of their baby boy's name.

momof6lopez · #2 July 19th, 2011, 07:59 PM

How terribly tragic for your friends, Im so terribly sorry for them and will keep them in my prayers tonight....along with their little angel boy. As for you, I know this fear all to well......2 out of my 6 pregnancies that went to term were surrounded by two family memebers whom had still birth experiences. I can tell you that while terrifying, you have to take control of those emotions before they spin out of control. Stay informed, listen to your body/baby, act on anything that does not seem right and know that your doing all you can to deliver a healthy breathing baby. Sadly enough though, even with all that knowledge, it does happen and we have no control of it.

Again, Im praying for all of them, and you as well. I know it will take some time for you to wrap your head around this and I hope that you can at least vent those fears here and get some kind of outlet for your fears.

SkyBaby · #3 July 19th, 2011, 08:10 PM

I'm praying for their family.. that's so horrid..

JessP · #4 July 19th, 2011, 10:02 PM

Many prayers. And I agree with Lori.

silverlife · #5 July 20th, 2011, 12:26 AM

How tragic! I'll be keeping the family in my T&Ps as well as praying that you not have fear from this. (((hugs)))

onedaysoon · #6 July 20th, 2011, 04:36 AM

I have a best friend (my niece's mom), who had a still birth 7 years ago and I was the first person she called. It was horrible and since then it has been in the back of my mind. I try to keep it in the back, but it always comes forward.

I will definitely keep this family in my prayers.

BeccaBee · #7 July 20th, 2011, 05:58 AM

Unfortunately I know of three families who have had losses after 37 weeks and the stories terrified me even before i knew what it was like to have a loss. Now, i realize how fragile pregnancy really is, but it doesn't make me any less terrified of it happening again to me or anyone close to me. The good i try to focus on is that each family went on to have a healthy baby within a year of the loss. I have to focus on that part or I'd go crazy with sadness for these families.

My thoughts and prayers are with this family, and with all of us to be strong and think positively as much as possible.

NsMommy · #8 July 20th, 2011, 07:50 AM

This is awful! I will keep them in my prayers.
This strikes fears in me, too. I was so naive with my son.

hubshope · #9 July 20th, 2011, 07:56 AM

Thank you, Ladies. I know Stephanie and Brian can use all the prayers that they can get right now. My other neighbor Tammy went up to see Stephanie last night so that Brian could come home and put Grayson to bed. She said they seem to be holding up okay, better than she expected. They have explained to Grayson that his baby brother is his special angel and they do plan to try and get pregnant again after they allow themselves time to heal.

I am heartbroken for them. And Lori, you are very right and I found your post very comforting.

missy123 · #10 July 20th, 2011, 10:38 AM

I am so sad for them right now. I can't even imagine the pain they are in; what they are going through. It shook grief through every bone in my body.

I am so sorry for their loss.

ashj_1218 · #11 July 20th, 2011, 11:30 AM

My heart is hurting so much for this family I don't even know. I can not imagine how horrible that pain must be. It is just so sad for them to have to experience that pain at what should be such an exciting period in their lives. I will keep them in my thoughts and prayers

I too am terrified of all the knowledge I have at this point. I know this kind of thing happens for real (as opposed to happening to "those other people") and it makes me realize how precious each moment with our children truly is. It is very hard to hear about it happening to anyone, much less someone so close to you.

SillyKitty · #12 July 20th, 2011, 06:52 PM

I totally understand that secondary fear that you are experiencing. My good friend that went through my first pregnancy with me lost her son to stillbirth just after my daughter was born. It happened just a couple days after her baby shower at 34 weeks. I never felt the same about pregnancy again. Years later when I was pregnant with my second daughter, I wouldn't let my friend throw me a baby shower before 36 weeks because I had this association between an "early" baby shower (in my mind) and the still birth.

I have a friend who currently planning me a baby shower, and the only date that works is when I'm only 32 weeks. Just the thought of having a shower that soon is freaking me out because of my mental association. I have to keep reminding myself that early baby showers do not cause still births.

I am so sorry for your friend's loss, and will keep them in my thoughts.

hubshope · #13 July 21st, 2011, 10:41 AM

I know...it is so hard knowing how delicate pregnancy really is. It is even harder when it happens to someone so close by. Even reading people's tragic struggles on the internet gives you a way to detach...so hard when it's so "real."

Stephanie and Brian named their baby Noah. They have asked those of us asking what we can do for them to give a donation to the local chapter of Newborns in Need in his name, so Steve and I will do that.

At Jess (SillyKitty), I had to have my baby showers early because of the preterm labor with Benjamin. I had one at 33 weeks (when I got to come home...ended up being for only 24 hours) and then when I got pregnant with Nathan my friend gave me a baby shower at 30 weeks (since I'd started preterm with ben about 31 to 31 1/2 weeks). So while I know with a mental association it is hard to look past it, maybe that will help you a little knowing I've done it early with both my pregnancies. ((HUGS))

Brittanie · #14 July 21st, 2011, 12:19 PM

I had to think about this a little while and compose myself before responding. Reading that took me back. I know your friend said they seemed to be doing better than she expected. A lot of people said that about me, and they didn't know that I just couldn't let anyone see how fragile I really was. Nobody but my husband saw me at my worst moments, and even then half the time he was asleep while I sobbed. So give her lots of love, even when she seems to be doing well.

Anyway, many thoughts and prayers going out to them as they figure out what their lives mean now.

hubshope · #15 July 21st, 2011, 04:28 PM

Thank you, Brittanie. I certainly will. I also wondered if perhaps they are a bit in shock, or at least were when Tammy was there. I worry that seeing my pregnant belly will make her upset, but I won't let that worry keep me from showing her lots of love and attention. Tammy said she'll find out if it makes her more sad or uncomfortable, but we don't think it will...I don't know. I don't know her as well as Tammy but have spent time with her and Grayson when we've all been together at Tammy's house or letting the kids play outside in their cul-de-sac (they are behind us).

Brittanie · #16 July 21st, 2011, 04:38 PM

Shock...yes. Definitely.

As for you and your pregnancy, it'll probably depend on the day. I had several pregnant friends. In all honesty, it wasn't until the babies were born that it got really hard, but I loved them so much that I forced myself to go see their babies and it got easier. Being full term, it wasn't the pregnancy that I got stolen from me but the baby herself. I don't know if it'll be the same for her, but if it is, don't be surprised if she pulls away a little after yours is born.

SillyKitty · #17 July 21st, 2011, 06:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brittanie

I had to think about this a little while and compose myself before responding. Reading that took me back. I know your friend said they seemed to be doing better than she expected. A lot of people said that about me, and they didn't know that I just couldn't let anyone see how fragile I really was. Nobody but my husband saw me at my worst moments, and even then half the time he was asleep while I sobbed. So give her lots of love, even when she seems to be doing well.

Anyway, many thoughts and prayers going out to them as they figure out what their lives mean now.

hubshope · #18 July 22nd, 2011, 08:20 AM

Brittanie, I did think of that too and will give her whatever space she needs. I'm sorry too for the upset my post probably caused you.

I put "loss mentioned" but I should have come up with something more "warning" of what it was about. I wasn't thinking in my upset...and sat in bed last night thinking (after I read your post) that the title didn't "warn" enough...

So for that I'm very sorry...and sorry to all of you...it's so shocking and upsetting and not something we all needed to read. Sorry for my insensitivity, all of you.